Widow, Virgin, Whore - A Novel

by Deanna Lynn Sletten

  Susie came down with pneumonia and was bedridden for a few days, so Darla and Katherine alternated between caring for Allison and her. Katherine enjoyed being with Allison, her quiet presence was warm and calming, even in the face of AIDS. She was always appreciative of the help she received, so much easier a patient than Darla ever was. The two women spent long hours sharing details of their lives. Allison had never been married nor had children, so she loved hearing about Chris and Chelsea and expressed a wish to be able to go to one of Chris' ball games. She had been a physical education teacher before AIDS claimed her strength, and she missed the outdoors and the ability to use her once powerful body for physical activity. Yet, Allison never spoke in a resentful way, only a whimsical longing for the days when life was different.

  "I used to think I could conquer the world," Allison once said, dreamily. "Now I'm just happy to still be in it."

  When Susie felt better, Allison suddenly took a turn for the worse. One evening, when the group arrived at Allison's, they found a worried Susie alone in the living room.

  "Allison didn't feel like getting out of bed today," Susie announced, practically in tears. A chill went up the spine of every person in the room. They all understood the significance of Allison's failing strength. Silently, they entered the bedroom, each of them masking the emotions they felt with a cheerful smile.

  "Heard you were being lazy today," Craig teased as he sat carefully at the foot of her bed. "So we brought the party to you."

  A small smile fell across Allison's pale face, although even such a simple expression seemed to take great effort. "I'm glad you did," she whispered.

  Carl walked to the other side of the bed and lifted her frail hand in his. The others camped around the edge of the king-size bed.

  "Isn't this a great bed?" Allison asked softly. "It's big enough to have a party on."

  Everyone laughed. Carl told her a funny story about the photo session he had that day with two-year-old twin boys, their antics causing her to laugh softly. Darla amused everyone with her story of Bingo night last week and the group of purple-haired, overly pierced rowdies who attended. The group kept the talk light and pleasant. No bitterness or sadness tonight. Yet, somehow, the forced effort at happiness left Katherine feeling depressed.

  Darla offered to spend the night and keep Allison company, and everyone agreed that was a good idea. Susie was relieved, still feeling spent from her own recent illness. Allison promised to come over right after work the next day to relieve Darla.

  As the group left, Katherine bent over Allison. "Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, okay?"

  Allison nodded sleepily. "I think I should go to the doctor tomorrow," she whispered. Katherine's brown eyes locked with her pale blue ones in silent understanding.

  "I'll take care of it," Katherine promised.

  Out in the living room, Katherine spoke up. "Has she ever been this sick before?"

  The three who'd known her the longest shook their heads.

  "Should we take her to the hospital tonight?" Katherine searched the faces in the group and let her eyes linger on Carl's the longest. Of them all, he was the only one who'd already lost someone to AIDS. But he only shook his head as he looked at her, just as bewildered about what to do as the rest of them.

  "I spoke with her doctor today," Susie offered. "He said to just watch her. Unless something unusual happens, there isn't much he can do."

  They all stared at each other solemnly. No one wanted to say what they all so obviously were thinking.

  Everyone said goodnight. Carl promised to come over at lunchtime to check on Allison's condition. Susie's eyes filled with tears as she walked to the door and Katherine gave her a reassuring hug. Craig briefly hugged Darla before placing his arm over Susie's shoulders and walking her to her car. Finally, Katherine and Darla were left alone. Their eyes met, and for the first time in her life, Katherine saw fear flicker in Darla's eyes.

  "Are you going to be okay?"

  Darla nodded. "Sure."

  "Call me if you need me, no matter what time."

  Darla nodded again and walked her to the door. As they stood in the door frame, the cool night air blending with the warmth inside the apartment, Darla stared up at the dark sky. "Is this how it's going to be?" she asked softly.

  It was the first time Darla had ever made reference to her own mortality in a serious tone. Katherine tried hard to hold her emotions in check as Darla's eyes scanned the universe for answers.

  "I don't know," Katherine replied honestly. "Are you scared?"

  Darla's eyes dropped to Katherine's face. She shook her head. "Just wondering," she said.

  As Katherine headed down the stairs to her car, she, too, began to wonder.

  ***

  Darla made up the sofa to sleep on, then checked on Allison. Her eyes were open, staring up at the ceiling.

  Darla approached the bed gingerly. "Allison? Do you need anything?"

  Allison blinked, and shook her head ever so slightly. Darla sat down on the bed beside her.

  "Thanks for staying," Allison said. She lifted a frail hand and Darla took it in both of hers, rubbing it ever so gently to warm it. "I won't be with all of you much longer," Allison said softly.

  "Don't say that," Darla insisted. "You'll feel better after you sleep."

  Allison smiled. Her face had a soft, tranquil look upon it. From somewhere deep within, it glowed.

  Darla studied her, wondering if this would be how her own life would end. She worried more about dying lately since meeting Allison. Before, it had seemed like something remote, but now, looking at the frail woman before her, it was so real.

  "Are you afraid of dying?" Darla asked quietly.

  Allison continued to smile and slowly shook her head. "No," she said softly. "I welcome it."

  "How can you say that?" Darla protested. "There's so much to live for. You're still so young. Don't you want to keep living? Aren't you afraid of all the things you'll miss?"

  Allison turned her head to look into Darla's blazing eyes. Hers were liquid pools of serenity. With all the strength she could muster, she squeezed Darla's hand. "I'm so lucky I've lived this long. I've known some wonderful people and enjoyed every moment. I've been sick for a long time. I'm ready to rest."

  Allison closed her eyes and dozed off peacefully, but Darla sat holding her hand for a long time thinking about what she'd said. From deep inside her, her admiration for this quiet woman grew.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Katherine showed up at eight the next morning with fresh clothes for Darla. While Darla showered and dressed, Katherine helped Allison dress for the doctor's appointment she'd made for her.

  Allison was so weak, just changing her clothes as she sat up in bed wore her out and started a coughing fit that frightened Katherine immensely. After Allison calmed down, Katherine and Darla carried her out to the sofa. Katherine went outside and pulled the van right up to the foot of the stairs for easy access. Then, holding Allison up, her arms around both of their shoulders, they attempted to carry her down. It was hard going. Although Darla had grown stronger, it still took a toll on her weakened muscles to help lift Allison. Katherine took the brunt of the weight, and tried to keep balanced. Halfway down the stairs, they had to stop and sit so Allison and Darla could catch their breath.

  Below, a man stepped out of his car and walked to the bottom of the steps, staring up at the three women. Katherine looked him over quickly and decided to risk the chance.

  "Could you help us a moment? We need to carry our friend down to the van parked there."

  He was a short man with a thin build, but he could have easily managed to carry Allison's slight weight alone. He shot them a suspicious look from under his bushy brows.

  "She the one who has AIDS?" he asked, scrunching up his pointy face.

  Katherine pursed her lips. "What difference does that make? She's sick, and we need help."

  "Nope. Won't touch no one who has AIDS."


  Katherine glared at him, and with renewed strength and determination, she and Darla managed to carry Allison down the rest of the steps on their own as the man stood and stared.

  "Get out of our way!" Katherine spat at him.

  He shuffled to the side of the steps, making sure the women didn't even pass through his air space as they carried Allison past him. Katherine threw him an evil glare that made him slink off like the snake he was.

  Once they had Allison lying comfortably in the backseat, they drove off. The clinic was adjacent to the hospital, so the doctor had asked them to meet him in the emergency room for Allison's check-up. After leaving her in the care of a nurse, Darla and Katherine went to the waiting room down the hall and collapsed into plastic, padded chairs.

  A while later, a short man with a dark beard and a white overcoat came into the room and walked over to them. "Are you the two ladies who brought Allison Chambers in?" he inquired.

  Katherine stood up. "Yes."

  He extended his hand and she shook it. "I'm Dr. Warner, Allison's doctor. I've admitted her to the hospital for now. She'll probably have to stay a couple of days. She's been placed on an IV for fluids. We're hoping it will make her feel stronger."

  Katherine nervously glanced back at Darla who was still sitting, then returned her eyes to the doctor. "Then, she'll be okay in a few days?" she asked hopefully.

  Dr. Warner took a deep breath as if in preparation of a long lecture. He let it out slowly. "Allison is very weak. Her T-cell count is very low and her viral load has soared over the past few weeks. All we can do now is keep her comfortable."

  Katherine's brow creased. "What exactly are you saying, Doctor?"

  "Allison is dying. She may be with us a few more days, weeks, or at the very most, a month. I can't promise any more than that."

  Katherine closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She had known this day would come, but she'd hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

  "I know Allison doesn't have any family and that her friends have been taking care of her," the doctor continued. "If it's possible, I'd like to get those who are most involved with her care to come here tomorrow so we can have a care conference. Allison has expressed a wish to spend her last days in her own home, so I need to work with all of you to make that possible."

  Katherine nodded solemnly. "I'll ask everyone to come in when you're ready."

  "Fine. We can all meet in her room tomorrow night around seven."

  Katherine nodded again. It all seemed too unreal to speak out loud.

  ***

  The solemn group assembled in Allison's hospital room the next evening all had long faces and tired eyes. None of them had slept much since Katherine had informed them of the doctor's words. Darla stood, stone-faced, in the back corner of the room, squeezed against Craig who had his arms circled around her waist. Carl sat on the bed beside Allison, holding her hand while Susie sat in a chair by the bed, a dazed expression on her face. Katherine stood behind Susie's chair, bracing herself with her hands firmly on its back.

  Allison sat propped up in bed, wearing a lacy bed jacket over her gown that Katherine had brought for her from her apartment. Her face had gained some color, and her eyes seemed brighter. She was the reason for the grim assembly, yet she looked happy.

  "We need to discuss Allison's care for the next few weeks," Dr. Warner began. "Allison has expressed a wish to remain at home, so she will need constant assistance to do so."

  "For how long?" Allison asked innocently, as if she might suddenly recover.

  "Indefinitely," the doctor replied gently.

  All eyes turned to Allison for her reaction, but she merely nodded her understanding. She looked as if she didn't fully understand the reason behind this care conference.

  "Allison's T-cell count is almost non-existent," the doctor continued. "Now that one portion of her immune system has shut down, the other part of the system will begin working overtime to attack her body."

  Allison's failing eyes suddenly registered understanding. "You mean, I'm dying?" she asked in her whispery voice. Carl rubbed her hand gently as all eyes watched her intensely.

  "Your body is finally giving up the fight," Dr. Warner replied.

  "How long?" Allison wanted to know.

  "You won't see summer's end," he replied softly.

  The brief silence that descended upon the room seemed to last a lifetime. Susie let out a small gasp and tried to hold back tears. Darla held her head low, eyes to the floor, while Craig pulled her closer. Carl and Katherine's eyes met and locked, each trying to hold on to what little strength they had left.

  Surprisingly, it was Allison who broke the silence. She held out her free hand to Susie, the hand being fed with IV tubes, and said softly, "Don't cry, dear. Everything will be okay." Once again, Allison made everything better.

  "What do we need to know?" Katherine asked the doctor.

  "Allison's eyesight will grow worse, until her vision is blurred. Her muscles will continue to break down, as will her nervous system. She will be unable to move without help. She might feel numbness in her legs and feet. Eventually, dementia might set in."

  "Dementia?" Darla asked, her brow creased. "What's that?"

  "She might begin to see things that are not really there, called phantom vision. You may hear her talk to people who are not in the room with her. She will hallucinate images and voices."

  Katherine saw the fear fill Darla's eyes and understood exactly what she was thinking. What might happen to Allison could happen to her, too.

  The doctor continued. "Eventually, Allison won't be able to eat at all. Her system will reject food, it won't even be able to process the intake of calories. We will keep her on IV fluids for as long as she feels it is necessary to keep her hydrated. She might become comatose."

  "And then what?" Craig wanted to know.

  "Then it is up to Allison as to how long she will want to continue."

  The silence in the room felt thick.

  "Allison, you need to make a few tough decisions while you are still able," Dr. Warner said. "Like, whether or not you want to be revived if your heart stops. And when you want us to stop fluids and medication."

  Susie looked horrified. "You mean, one day just decide to let her die? Just give up? That's cruel!"

  "No, Susie, this is reality," Carl spoke up for the first time that evening. "We need to know what Allison's wishes are before the time comes. These decisions should be hers."

  Susie began crying softly and Allison rubbed her shoulder gently. "It's okay, Susie. I'm not afraid," she said soothingly.

  Allison told the doctor that if anything happened to her, she didn't want to be revived. She wanted to have all fluids stopped if she went into a coma, and there would be no life-support machines.

  The doctor suggested the group make up a time schedule to provide Allison with round-the-clock care. At Allison's request, they ended the session with a prayer to give them the strength to go on.

  "Don't be sad for me," Allison told them before they left the room. "I'm ready for this."

  Katherine had no doubts about Allison's ability to cope. It was her own strength she questioned.

  ***

  Allison went home to waiting friends and bouquets of flowers, neither of which she could see clearly, but both of which she enjoyed. They settled her in her bed that became the home's central hub of activity. They would all gather around her enormous bed that her frail body took so little space on and laugh, talk, visit, and eat. And there Allison laid, the center of the room, the center of everyone's attention, enjoying the sounds of the voices that were so familiar and comforting to her.

  A schedule was made up in which everyone took turns to stay and care for Allison. Darla, Susie, Craig, and Carl took turns spending nights on the sofa, and Katherine relieved them during the middle of the day. Although they all worried about Allison the most, they had to care for their own health, too.

  Allison ate very little, but she tried. She was placed
on an IV fluid twice a day to keep her hydrated. Three times a week, a home health care nurse came and checked her vital signs, inspected the PICC line in her arm, and left bags of fluids for the others to hook up when necessary. And although she had the best of care, the friends watched sadly as Allison slowly faded with each passing day.

  Two days after Allison was brought home, Katherine received a call from Barry at The Seattle Times asking if she could continue on with the series of articles on AIDS. "The response has been huge," he told her. "We're getting calls and letters from people thanking us for running the articles and asking for more information about the disease and available resources. We're even getting letters from people across the country who have read your articles in other newspapers. Your articles are making a difference, Katherine. You should be proud."

  Katherine was. She agreed to extend the weekly articles indefinitely, for as long as there was information to write about.

  Allison asked her to continue writing about her situation until she was gone. "I want people to know how I lived and how I died," she told her in that ever present whispering voice.

  On the days that Katherine spent with Allison, she wrote every important detail in her notebook while Allison dozed. Katherine left nothing out in the event it might later be useful in an article. Every word they exchanged, every medical detail, every thought and feeling Allison experienced. Her notes, she came to realize, were not only important to her writing, but also a way of remembering every detail of Allison's last days and a way for Katherine to cope with slowly losing her. Placing the words on paper was therapeutic for Katherine, and helpful to the others in the group, too. They'd each read about the day's events in Katherine's words and feel a little closer to their friend, and a little more ready to accept what the future held for her.