MEMORIAM

by Rachel Broom

  I continued down the path, passing a large school with children playing in the yard. An electric fence wrapped around the yard where a small girl with dark brown hair swung on a set of swings. She was talking to a girl with blond braids. The blonde girl stood up and left. The dark-haired girl hopped off the swings and walked over to the fence where I stood.

  My throat tightened and I backed away, letting go of the fence. It was like an electric shock had run through me. That little girl had my eyes. This was me. The man who’d been following me was still there. This was all me. It was my life. I swallowed and stepped off the border around the schoolyard, walking swiftly down the center path. There was a nursery up ahead on my right where I could see Sam through the window.

  “Sam?” I asked. What was he doing here?

  I broke into a jog. The man followed. My jogging turned into running as I hurried down the path. I glanced to my left and saw a younger version of me playing a piano. My throat was tightening even more. It was hard for me to breathe. The sky was an angry violet, wind picking up debris and sending it everywhere. The path became difficult to see because of the flying debris.

  Suddenly, a body appeared on the ground in the middle of the path. I ran over, my hand covering my mouth. It was an older woman. Her eyes had rolled back in her head. Everything was closing in on me. The man was running after me now. The path had no end.

  I blinked furiously and found myself in a meadow. The little brown-eyed boy was sitting next to me on a blanket.

  “How come you don’t come home as much?”

  “Because I grew up. I have my own place now.”

  “Yeah, but why? You can stay with us.”

  I laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I know, James, but that’s not how grown-up things work.”

  “Why?”

  “Well,” I sighed, “because it’s part of life. We all have to grow up.”

  “I’m already grown up,” he said confidently. “I am just going to live at home as a grown-up for now.”

  I smiled and reached over, pulling him onto my lap. “Come here, you.” I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tight. “I love you.”

  “Yeah, I do too,” he said nonchalantly, staring at the setting sun. I let go of him and watched as he took off through the meadow, soon disappearing through the tall grass.

  “James, wait for me!” I got up and folded the blanket, taking off through the grass. “James?”

  He wasn’t coming. I weaved through the grass. “James!”

  There was no answer. The sun was gone now. The sky was a dark amber and night was setting in. I stopped walking and listened to the silence, waiting to see if I could hear him. “James?” I called out again. “Mother said I have to keep an eye on you! This isn’t funny. JAMES!”

  There was no reply.

  I pushed through a clump of grass and jumped back in surprise to find Sam. “Hey, your mother said dinner was ready. Where is James?”

  “I can’t find him.”

  “What?”

  “He ran off,” I exasperated.

  “We’ll find him.” Sam rubbed my back as we walked. He stopped and I turned back to ask him why but he waved me off. “I’ll catch up. I just want to check something.”

  “Okay,” I said. I felt uneasy. I passed Sam and walked through the grass, losing him behind me. That’s when I heard a gunshot. I panicked and ran back through the grass to find Sam. He was holding a gun, pointed at me.

  “Time to run,” he said with a smile.

  I scrambled through the grass. My mind was spinning. Sam was coming to kill me. He really had been using me all this time.

  I burst through the field of grass, praying I was safe as I ran up the steps of a small country house. The door swung open and I ran in, trying to catch my breath. There was a group of people seated at the table in the room to my left, all watching me. I stepped back.

  “Sorry I-”

  “You’re late.” The boy who said it had shaggy, dirty blond hair.

  The older woman sitting next to him swatted his hand. “Really, Michael. Stop it.”

  I pointed at the woman in confusion. She was the one I had just come across in Stoclo, but now she was alive, sitting here at this table. Her wavy hair brushed against her chin. “You’re....you’re dead. I saw you...on that path.”

  “We saved you a seat.” She pointed to the chair next to her. I glanced back at the front door then went and sat down, shaking all over.

  “But Sam’s coming,” I said.

  The woman laughed. “All right, now we can eat.”

  The little boy, James, who I had seen countless times, was sitting at the table, too. A young girl with hazel eyes and dark brown hair like mine sat next to me.

  She smiled, revealing several crooked teeth. “I lost another one today.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Oh.” I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act.

  “It’s been a long time,” the woman said to me.

  “Has it?” I asked. The woman nodded. There was a pang of nostalgia in my chest. It felt like forever since I had seen her. I wanted to hug her.

  The scene changed again. Now I was at the top of a grassy hill, and James and the young girl were rolling down, letting out bursts of laughter as they chased after one another. The same woman from earlier was sitting next to me. Her hair was greying at the roots.

  “The kids miss you.”

  “I miss them, too,” I said.

  “They thought you had abandoned them for someone else.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “I know. They don’t understand the concept of you living somewhere else.”

  I smiled at James and the girl; they were throwing fistfuls of grass in each other’s hair.

  “It’s been two years since he left. It still feels like yesterday.”

  “We are going to be okay, Mother.”

  She smiled, but I still saw pain in her eyes. “I’m glad you’ve come home.”

  “Me too.” I turned my attention back to the kids. The girl’s braids bounced as she jumped over James as he rolled.

  “You know, it’s days like these where I wish I could freeze time and make them stay young forever.”

  I watched this woman...this woman who was my mother; her aging body, her frail hand resting against the warm grass. She was getting old, I realized. She wasn’t always going to be around for me or any of the children. It had suddenly grown quiet. The birds stopped twittering. Down at the bottom of the hill the children had disappeared.

  “James? Julia?” I stood up, alarmed. My mother was gone, too. “Mother?” I placed my head in my hands and clenched my fists. “Why?” I whispered. “Why did you leave me like this?”

  Tears sprung to my eyes and slid down my cheeks, landing in the grass.

  “We can’t stay forever,” my mother said, even though she was nowhere in sight. “We all have to learn to let go.”

  “It’s not fair. We had so little time together.”

  “I’ll see you again.”

  “No you won’t. You’re gone, and I’m here to pick up the pieces.” I let out a strangled sob and hid my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking as I cried. I wrapped my arms around my waist, hoping that if I held tight enough then I would not fall apart.

  It was then that I heard a different voice yelling at me. “Look at me!” it said. I cried even harder. I didn’t want to look.

  “I c-can’t do it.”

  “I’m right here. Open your eyes.”

  I raised my head. There was a large mirror sitting in front of me. I stared at the reflection of me. My eyes were bloodshot and my frame was thin. I reached out and touched the mirror, sliding my hand over those tear-stained cheeks, slight smile, and wavy hair.

  “Me,” I whispered.

  “I’m here for you. I’ve been here the whole time.”

  “I thought I lost myself.”

  The reflection of me shook her head. “I’ve been here for you.”
/>   “Why won’t you show yourself?”

  “I have. We are the same, Vi. You never changed.”

  “But my memories, they’re missing.”

  “You’ll find them again. You just have to look in the right places.”

  I bit my lip and turned away from the mirror, picking myself up from the carbon floor and examining the small bedroom I was in. I went over to the window and looked at the ocean, the waves crashing up against the jetted rocks. I breathed in the sweet salty air and listened to the waves, running my hand along the windowsill where a variety of coarse shells were laid out. The wind played with my hair as I listened to the seagulls crying overhead.

  When I exhaled, I was in a hallway. I heard voices, laughter. Those voices sounded familiar. I saw movement up ahead and walked down the hall, stopping when I reached the end. The same woman, my mother, was standing in a kitchen. James and Julia were seated at the table across from the kitchen coloring pictures.

  “I’m making your favorite,” my mother said.

  I held back tears. Was it strange that I could not remember my own favorite kind of soup? “What kind?”

  “Clam chowder.”

  “Right,” I said, trying to keep a smile on my face. I came over to her and reached my arm out, hoping that I could rest my hand on her shoulder. My face fell when my hand went straight through. I could not touch her. All of these people, they were not real.

  “Mother?” She did not turn around.

  I made my way over to the table. I wondered if James and Julia could hear me, or if I was mute to them as well.

  “Julia?” She kept coloring. I wanted to cry. My own family could not hear me. Out the window past the setting sun was the Head. He was crossing our lawn. No, please. Don’t hurt them. Not my family. They were all I had.

  He reached the patio. I grabbed James and yanked him away from his chair, dragging him over to the hallway. I called out to Julia and my mother but they did not answer. I ran back, reaching for Julia. My hands went straight through her. I cursed and ran over to my mother, trying to grab her. Why could I grab James and not the others? The Head was opening the back door.

  I scooped James up in my arms and ran out of the room. He started to cry. I hid his face in my shirt as I heard my mother scream. The Head must have gotten her, but there was nothing I could do. James was the only one I could save.

  My eyes fluttered and I found myself staring at the ceiling of the Memoriam room again. Trent was next to me, his hand on my wrist.

  “Sorry, your treatment was stopped.”

  “What?”

  “It stopped halfway. I don’t know why.”

  It felt like the longest Memoriam session I had ever had. On top of that, I was reeling from the images I had just seen. So many of those things.....most of them were memories that the prison must have taken. They had to be.

  Trent detached the cords from my body and I was released from the chair. He helped me get out and I stood next to the chair, holding it for support. Your final mission will commence in fifteen minutes. Meet in the weaponry. I frowned. Final mission? What was that supposed to mean?

  “I have to go. I have another mission,” I let go of Trent and stumbled over to the door. I was trying to comprehend what I had just seen, which was, and most likely still is, my family.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “We can fix those,” Sam said. “I can search the secretary’s office and figure out how to break in and activate the system. Vince, thanks again for all of this.”

  “It is the least I can do for Violet. Both of you deserve freedom.”

  “We all do.” Sam noticed Vi had stopped talking.

  “What is it?” Vince asked.

  “I have another Memoriam session.”

  “When?” Sam asked.

  “In fifteen minutes.”

  “You can work on trying to find an alternate way other than the lift to get down to the weaponry, okay?” Vince said to Vi.

  “Okay.”

  Sam could tell she was nervous as she stood up to leave. He reached over and squeezed her hand. “You’ll be okay.”

  She walked over to the door and stopped. “Wait for me, will you?”

  Vince smiled. “Of course.”

  Vi opened the door and shut it quietly behind her.

  “She doesn’t look well,” Vince said.

  Sam sighed. “She hasn’t for a while.” He leaned back against the wall. “This Memoriam is just torturing her. They should leave her alone.” Sam was quiet for a minute. “How long have you been a hunter, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Almost a year?” Hesitation was in Vince’s voice. “I have lost track of time. I do not believe it exists here.”

  “Yeah.” Sam was worried about Vi. She seemed so scared when she left. He wished he could make it stop somehow but the only way was to get her out. At this point it didn’t matter if she remembered him or not. Sam still hadn’t told Vi about ‘them.’ It was painful enough to have her forget him the first time. He decided it was better to keep her alive without recollection of him than to have her dead. Sam didn’t want Vi to feel obligated to love him if she knew about their past relationship, but at the same time it was getting to the point where it didn’t matter; he was sure she was already in love with him.

  “Are you worried about Vi?” Vince asked.

  “I’m worried for a lot of reasons.”

  “You can see fear in her eyes. I think it is because of Memoriam. You know how it works, right?”

  “Not really. I mean, I’ve heard bits and pieces but she’s never explained its entirety to me.”

  “It’s the cruelest form of brainwashing in my opinion. The program is designed to blur the lines between reality and dreams. It sorts through your memories and detects your fears. When combined they create new memories out of the two that could exist in another world-”

  “-which can be confused with this one,” Sam finished. Vince nodded.

  “She doesn’t deserve this, you know.” Sam thought of Vi and the day she was brought into the base. She was in hysterics. The base refused to let her see James, despite her begging. It took Sam a long time to calm her down. He never wanted to see her like that again.

  “You know there’s something...I haven’t told her. About her past,” Sam said.

  Vince raised his eyebrow. “You mean the memories that were taken from her?”

  “Yeah. It’s been a battle for me to figure out what to do…” He let out a shaky breath. “How do I say this?” Sam paused. “Vi and I were going to be married.”

  Vince’s eyes widened. It all made sense now. “How long have you two been together?”

  “Almost a year. When the war broke out we went into hiding together.”

  Everyone knew that getting married was a big deal. Most people did not marry throughout their life; they usually chose a partner. It made things easier if the relationship failed or the couple wanted to keep things casual. Being married was considered old-fashioned and most people did not believe in it anymore.

  “You’re the first person I’ve told,” Sam said. “I don’t have the courage to tell her. I don’t want to make her feel like she has to love me.”

  “So she doesn’t know anything about your relationship?”

  “No.”

  “Do you plan to tell her?”

  “I just don’t see the point anymore. I mean, my feelings haven’t changed. I don’t think hers have either.”

  “No offense, but how can you be sure she feels the same way as she did before? She has no memories of you two, or of being in love.”

  Sam had known this was coming. It was something that haunted him every time he woke up next to Vi. It killed him to picture her with someone else, but he knew it was always a possibility.

  “Sam, correct me if I am wrong, but I believe it would be in your best interest, and hers, to tell her. You could help her piece her life together. It’s not fair for her to go along not knowing who she truly is.�
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  “But do you really think that’s the best thing for her? It will only make her depressed about the memories she’s lost. I mean, what if she never remembers her family? She doesn’t need that guilt.”

  “You can’t be selfish here. I know you are only thinking of her, but I think she would like to know.”

  “I’ll tell her, just not now.”

  Vince folded his arms. “It must be rough being around her when she can’t remember you.”

  “You have no idea. The first few weeks were the hardest. I kept wondering why she wouldn’t listen to me. It was like I was invisible....I got so angry because I wanted her to remember. I still get angry sometimes.”

  “I’m sorry,” Vince said. “I do not envy you.”

  Sam waved him off. “It’s been a secret until now. I count myself lucky that we ended up in the same base after all the shit we went through. I still have the ring I gave her.”

  Vi had given it back to him when they first came into the base, before she was forced in the tubes and bullied by skryers. She made Sam swear he would return it when they both escaped.

  “So you were in hiding together?”

  “Yeah. And her little brother.”

  “What happened to the brother?”

  “That’s...” His eyes stung. “That’s what kills me the most. Vi doesn’t remember. Two months ago we planned to escape. We’d almost made it, but we got caught. I told Vi to leave without me so that she could save James. The last time I saw him was when he climbed over the outer wall. I don’t think Vi remembers what happened to him. He could still be out there on his own for all I know.” Sam sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I just hope he’s alive, and if he is I hope he can hold on until we find him.”

  “Sam, I think there is something else you should know before you and Vi escape. If anything, tell her for me so that she can piece her story together.” Vince paused. “It was my combination that found Vi.”

  Sam wasn’t sure whether he should be angry and or happy. His first instinct was to hit Vince. “You...you brought her in?”

  “I want you to know that I would have fought for her freedom if I knew. When it comes down to it, none of us really has a choice. It’s the Head who decides.”