The Funeral Planner

by Lynn Isenberg

  “Boy, am I glad I’m on your team,” he says.

  Seven-thirty p.m. Arthur Pintock enters. He greets everyone and hands me the DVD. “This design team is excellent, Maddy. Thanks for turning me on to them. If I ever find a need, I’ll definitely contact them. So what’s our meeting about?”

  “Well, it’s to gather some advice from both you and Richard.”

  Richard looks at me. “You want my advice?”

  “Yes. Do you mind if we take it to the fireplace? Rocky said he’d take over the bar for us.”

  Seven forty-five p.m. I sit by the fire with Arthur and Richard. “I’ve called you both here to ask—” Another e-mail alert hits my PDA. “Excuse me.” I glance at the e-mail, look up and smile. “Kentucky, D.C., Maryland and Delaware are in.”

  “It’s getting bigger by the minute, Maddy,” says Arthur. “How are you going to handle this?”

  “Well, that’s the thing. Day-to-day operations on the funeral and cemetery side are going to require not only someone with a degree in mortuary sciences, but someone with a real understanding of how to deal with people fairly and compassionately, and with long-term experience in the field of operations.”

  “Well, isn’t that your forte, Richard?” asks Arthur. “You not only co-wrote the pamphlet, my understanding is that you’ve owned and ran the Jackson Funeral Home your whole life, until Derek Rogers bought you out.”

  “Me?” says Richard. “That’s a bigger scale than I’m used to.”

  “I don’t see why you can’t do it,” says Arthur. “All you need is the right support staff. Anyone come to mind?”

  I jump in. “I would think maybe some of the locals would be a good place to start and some of the workshoppers like Grace, who’s a natural at planning life celebrations. She really gets it.” I glance at the bar where Lillian, Carl, Rocky, Wally, Sally, and now Roy, Eleanor, Charlie, Daniel, Rebecca, Andy, Milton and Sierra all crowd around. Sierra winks at me. Richard’s and Arthur’s gazes follow mine.

  “I never thought of it that way,” says Richard. At the sight of all of them together he can begin to see the possibilities. “Yeah, I think I could manage,” he agrees. A huge smile takes shape on his face.

  “But I’m concerned about something else,” I say to Arthur and Richard. “All these funeral homes that we’re acquiring—I think they’re awfully dated in terms of their physical structures. I’m not sure we’ll get the maximum benefit out of them for the increase in nontraditional services. They need kitchens and bars and fireplaces, and, well, a whole makeover for a whole new approach. I think we really need someone who brings a fresh sense of design and architecture to the table, to make each building a unique monument, functional and celebration-friendly for today.”

  “Is that why you had me watch that DVD? You want the Designer Tank to create new designs for tribute centers?” asks Arthur.

  “Yes, they would be one element, but there are lots of possibilities. Imagine if other architects and designers got involved… But someone with the right skills and knowledge needs to oversee it.” I look directly at Arthur. “Someone like you…someone who’s looking for the right opportunity.”

  Arthur looks stunned. Then he sits back and smiles. “Yes. I do believe this is the right opportunity, Madison Banks. The right opportunity indeed.”

  Before anyone says another word, Grace Pintock enters the bar. She heads toward me, but as soon as she sees Arthur, she stiffens. “Perhaps I should come back another time.”

  “No,” says Arthur, standing up to greet her. “Stay. Apparently, you and I have a new knack in common.”

  Grace starts to soften but seems a little unsure.

  “Yes. Stay,” I implore. “Have a Tara’s Song. Then you two can play your results out at the bowling alley. You’d be surprised what knocking down a bunch of pins can do.”

  Six a.m., two mornings later. An ethereal mist hovers over the lake as I sit inside the Sunfish alone.

  I talk quietly into the delicate mist. “And then suddenly all the pieces in the puzzle came together, Uncle Sam. You were right. Patience is key. And one set of ethics to live by.” I pause. “I guess it’s time I honor your request.” I pull out the Ziploc bag with Uncle Sam’s remains inside. “I now know that saying goodbye to you in this form just means hello in another. You really did stay by my side. I downloaded this new release for you.” I punch a button on my PDA cell phone. Maurice LeSarde’s “Fishing Free” plays quietly in the boat.

  “Goodbye,” I whisper, and slowly release Uncle Sam into Clark Lake. A ray of soft sunshine reaches through the mist to touch the patch of water around me. I see the miracle and smile. “And hello, again.”

  I hear a bark. In the distance. I make out the shape of a floating object stealthily approaching. As dawn gently breaks through the fog, I make out the form of a dog on top of a kayak.

  Victor and a tail-wagging Siddhartha paddle up beside me. “Good morning.” Victor smiles.

  “Good morning to you. How did you find me?”

  “I have a GPS, remember? Out here it’s called Sid.”

  “Well, in that case, what took you so long?”

  “Norm Pearl’s private jet had to make an unexpected stop in Los Angeles. So while we were there I pulled a few things out of storage, like my kayak.”

  “Is that how you covered so many states so quickly?”

  “You seem to forget that I can be almost as resourceful as you can.” He looks at my sailboat resting in a dead calm. “There’s no wind. How were you planning on getting back to shore?”

  “Patience…that the universe would provide.” I smile.

  “A man and a dog in a kayak?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Lucky for you, I come prepared.” He ties a rope from the back of his kayak onto the bow of my boat. Siddhartha jumps into the Sunfish with me.

  I pet Sid. “Yes, we’re quite lucky,” I tell her. “What other goodies do you have?”

  He tosses a Ziploc bag into the boat. Inside is the morning edition of the Financial Street Journal. “Page one, front and center,” he says with confidence.

  As Victor paddles us back to shore, I read the latest installment by George Toffler, titled “Jackson, MI—Mecca for Personalized Tributes: How a Small Town Became Proof of Concept.” He outlines my arduous, grassroots journey to build a company with a little town of artists and heroes known for creating memorable events that celebrate the life of its people (and its pets), how a small town created a Funeral Fund from pamphlets and workshops on grief counseling and experience design, including the role of Richard Wright and the Eagle’s Nest. And he breaks the news of Arthur Pintock’s resignation from Pintock International to join Lights Out Enterprises as chief design officer. He adds that Arthur Pintock has declared a mandatory action for every viable candidate who wishes to succeed him at Pintock International. The action? The intended successor must go through the Lights Out pre-need program. Pintock believes that the results played out by this action will reveal the successor, because how a successor plans to die will tell him how they plan to live—and how they plan to live will tell him how they plan to lead. Toffler ends on Lights Out’s expansion plans with Madison Banks, Richard Wright, Arthur Pintock and Victor Winston at its helm.

  I feel a bump and turn around. We’ve reached land. Sid leaps into the shallow water. Victor glides his kayak onto shore. I toss the paper down and jump out to help pull the sailboat in.

  “What do you think?” he asks.

  “I think it’s great. Don’t you?”

  “I’m not sure if it should face north or west.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He glances toward the other side of the property. I look up to see the patina sculpture of Uncle Sam standing between the deck and the shoreline. My mouth drops open. “Oh my goodness! How did you…get this here?”

  “I told you. I had to pull a few things out of storage.”

  I run up to the sculpture. I run my hand along its
contours. “Did I ever tell you the story of when Uncle Sam and—” I stop. There inside the memento holder is the illfitting wedding ring Victor tried to give me in the bowling alley. I look up at him.

  “Now will you marry me?” he asks.

  I put the ring on my finger. It’s a perfect fit. “Yes, I’d love to marry you.” I beam.

  “How about a kiss to seal the deal?”

  “I can’t wait,” I reply. He takes me in his arms.

  “Where would you like to get married, Maddy?”

  “Right here.”

  “I’m not surprised.”

  “Victor? You know what? With or without Lights Out, and with or without this ring…I’m the richest girl in the world.”

  “Why is that?”

  “My self-worth has finally capped my net worth.”

  He smiles at me. “What took you so long?”

  Everyone’s Exit Strategy

  The Lights Out expansion plan goes through and prospers, including the acquisition of Tribute in a Box at a highly reduced rate.

  Richard Wright and the town of Jackson run the operations from the newly remodeled Jackson Funeral Home, its striking renovation delivered under the guidance of Arthur Pintock.

  Maddy, Victor, Arthur and Norm start The Tribute Network, a cable network dedicated to life celebrations, informative programming on care for the dying, grief counseling, diversity of social customs surrounding death, as well as available options for pre-need and time-of-need experiences. Some of the program titles we develop include Lights Out Around the World Tour (a show about customized tributes in different cultures); Designer Funeral Homes (Arthur Pintock’s works-in-progress); DIY—Do It Yourself Funerals (where to get customized gravestones, what to know about cremation, casket-buying, green burial opportunities, et cetera); Pet Tribute Stories; What to Know about Pre-Need; Grief Wellness, Life Celebration Fashions and more.

  Daniel Banks gets a book deal on Authentic Tribute Poems from Agam Publishing. Andy convinces Daniel to let him take some of the profits and invest it. He invests in products he likes and makes the money multiply…apparently Maddy’s talk on dollar cost averaging left a mark on Andy.

  Eve Gardner’s FT 101 takes off and wins the Challenge a Vision Prize in school. She no longer searches for an MBA husband to support her. Instead she takes the boy from the bizarro student film she made and turns him into her vice president of operations.

  Maurice LeSarde records a cult-favorite CD of Tara’s songs, and launches a successful comeback in the youth market.

  The List of Happily-Ever-Afters

  Arthur & Grace Pintock reunite with a second wedding at the Jackson Bowling Lanes and produce an anniversary tribute fitting for Tara à la Lights Out style.

  Daniel & Rebecca fall in love again and forgo all plans for divorce.

  Sierra & Milton become engaged.

  Norm & Elizabeth Pearl happily raise an adopted baby girl from China and continue to expand the Golf Camp Academies.

  Alyssa Ryan & Davide elope.

  Wally & Sally move in together.

  Maddy & Victor have their wedding on Clark Lake—a two-day event filled with stories, emceed by Eleanor and Charlie, with customized poems by Daniel, scrambled eggs, Neshama sausages and a live concert by Roy Vernon and Maurice LeSarde. FT 101 Designs handles all the wedding attire. Maddy and Victor soon after buy the house next door to Uncle Sam’s and make their home together on Clark Lake.

  Victor’s parents have a celebratory tribute for Shoshanna and love Victor in the present.

  Unhappily-Ever-Afters

  Bobby Garelik loses most of his investment in TIAB, save for the small amount he makes back on the sale to Lights Out. The good news is, he becomes a primary investor in the Tribute Network (www.TheTributeNetwork.com), which saves Shepherd Venture Capital from going under.

  Jonny Bright goes to prison for five years for investor fraud.

  Derek Rogers is sued in a shareholders derivative case. His “veil of ignorance” defense strategy fails and he goes to jail for twelve years. In prison, he receives a gift from Maddy—a copy of The Canterbury Tales—and highlighted in yellow marker is “The Reeve’s Tale”—with Cliffs Notes declaring the deceiver is finally deceived.

  Dedicated to the continuing spirits of

  my father, Gerald W. Isenberg,

  my brother, Steven Isenberg,

  and my dear friend John Laurence

  To my mother, whose laughter and courage

  light up the path of life.

  I wish to thank my wonderful, supportive friends and family, who provided me with idyllic places throughout the United States and Canada in which to write this novel. Thank you to Eileen Isenberg; Bobby and Laurie LaZebnik; Adam Taylor, Leah Solo Taylor, Alain Cohen, Evelyn Baran, Lea and John Sloan, Steve Wright, Laura Banks, Ellen Binstock, Virginia Herndon, Cynthia Gibb and Suzy Borson.

  With extra special appreciation to those who have inspired and supported this work: Lori Helman Pogoda, whose offhanded comment inspired the kernel for the idea; Mary Hanlon Stone, who readily offers those early and necessary second opinions; Corie Brown, whose every word is a cherished pearl of wisdom; Lawrence Mandel, who shined the light; Jack Susser, who listens with steadfast encouragement; Chelsea Low, for her intuitive astute insights.

  I’d like to thank Mark Porro and Kim Leaonard for their incredible help with the publication process! And special thanks to Elna Leonardo and Tao for supporting me through the entire process of publishing four novels and a digital series!

  In writing this novel, it is my goal that The Funeral Planner helps demystify social fears associated with bereavement and provides a shift in perception for enhanced experiences to ease the burden of grief. Therefore, I invite you all to share your life celebration stories by visiting “The Funeral Planner” at www.lynnisenberg.com.

  I also hope this story provides some insight and appreciation for the unsung heroes of the caregiving profession as well as leadership skills for dedicated individuals who wish to start their own independent business within the balance of life.

  “We believe creating meaningful ways to pay tribute to a loved one begins with compassion and is shaped by the understanding that each life is truly unique.”

  As North America’s largest provider of funeral, cremation and cemetery services, the Dignity Memorial® network is the name families turn to for compassionate and professional final arrangements. Dignity Memorial providers care for more than 300,000 families each year and understand the importance of thoughtful, personalized arrangements. Offered through a network of more than 1,600 funeral, cremation and cemetery providers in the United States and Canada, the Dignity Memorial brand is your assurance of quality, value, caring service and exceptional customer satisfaction.

  We believe creating meaningful ways to pay tribute to a loved one begins with compassion and is shaped by the understanding that each life is truly unique. For us, there is no greater responsibility than honoring and preserving the story of one’s life.

  www.dignitymemorial.com

  Legacy.com®

  Founded in 1998, Legacy.com is an innovative online media company that collaborates with more than 900 newspapers in North America, Europe and Australia to provide ways for readers to express condolences and share remembrances of loved ones.

  As the leader in the online memorial and obituary market, Legacy.com is visited by more than 14 million users each month. It partners with 124 of the 150 largest newspapers in the U.S. and features obituaries and Guest Books for more than two-thirds of people who die in the United States.

  Legacy.com® Where life stories live on.®

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