Age of Odin

by James Lovegrove

  As we headed back out to the car a massive yawn ripped through me like an earth tremor. I was knackered. Been driving all day, without let-up, and on my mettle every inch of the way.

  I didn't want to ask him - it went against every instinct I had - but I couldn't see a way out of it.

  "Abortion, will you drive?"

  "You sure?"

  "No, but I don't think I can go on without catching some rest."

  "You said you didn't trust me behind the wheel."

  "Fucked-up as you are, I still don't. But I need to get my head down, and we need to get back on the road while there's still a road to get back on. Just be careful, don't go fast, don't get fancy. Half an hour's shuteye, that's all I want, then we'll swap back over."

  Abortion snatched the keys from my hand and bounded over to the Astra.

  Honestly, it was like being with a kid, not a grown man the wrong side of thirty.

  Which reminded me.

  As Abortion got the car in motion, I fished out my mobile. Shouldn't be calling Gen's but wanted to. Wanted to speak to Cody, just hear his voice, make contact before Abortion and I disappeared into whatever it was we were about to disappear into.

  One bar of signal, flickering. I gave it a shot.

  "Gid."

  "Gen. How you doing?"

  "You're very faint."

  "Reception out here's being knackered by the snow, like everything else."

  "Out here? Where are you?"

  "Fuck knows, frankly. Somewhere way north. Just passed a sign saying 'Beware - Wild Haggises Ahead.'"

  "You're travelling? Are you mad? Have you not heard the Met Office warnings? It's going to hit minus twenty in some parts tonight."

  "Since when have I ever paid attention to warnings?"

  "Seriously, they're saying people could die out there."

  "It sounds like you almost care," I shouldn't have said but did.

  Gen's voice went rigid. I could imagine her eyebrows puckering, that way they did when she was annoyed. "Would you like me to put Cody on?"

  "Go on then."

  Some clattering, feet on stairs, Gen saying "Your father," and Cody groaning, which broke my heart.

  "Yes?"

  "Hey, boy. What's up?"

  "Not much."

  "School today?"

  "No."

  "Snow day."

  "Yeah."

  "Did you get outdoors? Make a snowman?"

  "No." Like: Why would I do something so lame? I'm twelve, you know.

  "Sledging?"

  "Stayed in with my Xbox. Roz bought me this awesome new game. Bushido Midnight. Roz's cool. She played it with me for hours. She's better at being a samurai but I kick her arse when I'm playing as a good vampire."

  "Don't swear."

  "What's that? Dad, I can hardly hear you."

  "I said don't... Never mind. It's great that you had a nice time with Roz. She's a good bloke."

  "Da-a-ad," he sighed.

  But I'd meant it as a compliment. Sort of. "Anyway, look, Codes, you take -"

  "Dad?"

  "You take care, and -"

  "Dad? You there?"

  "And do your homework -"

  "Mum, I think he's gone."

  "And -"

  Nothing. Silence. Disconnected.

  "And," I said into the ether, "tell your mum and that butch bitch girlfriend of hers to stop making me out to be some sort of idiot monster you should forget about. Just because I don't ever see you doesn't mean I don't love you. I'm still your dad, for fuck's sake."

  I slapped the phone shut. Slumped disconsolately into my seat.

  "That's got to suck," said Abortion, bent over the steering wheel. "Your wife's turned into a rug muncher and your kid barely knows who you are. Bummer."

  "Abortion..."

  "Just saying, bad enough you put Gen off men for life, but now you don't even get to visit the child you fathered with her and he's being brought up in a household of dykes, which is surely going to warp him for life. Can you imagine what it's like when the pair of them are on the blob? A normal household, the dad's there to balance things out and take the flak when it's rag week, but -"

  "Abortion," I growled, "shut the fuck up."

  "Okay."

  "Just drive."

  "Okay."

  I folded my arms, leant my head against the side window, and closed my eyes. At least the Astra was chugging along all right now. We had plenty of petrol, and according to the directions Abortion had downloaded we weren't a million miles from our destination. I felt the vibration of the engine through the cold window glass. The muffled crunch of snow under our tyres was oddly soothing. One thing I knew how to do, one really useful trick I'd picked up in the army, was being able to nod off in any circumstances. In the belly of a roaring Chinook, in the back of a jolting troop transport, in a bivvy bag, basha or bedroll, on bare ground under starry skies, it didn't matter. I was never bothered by insomnia, never lay awake wishing I was asleep. I could just shut myself down like switching off a computer.

  Blip.

  Gone.

  "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

  Abortion, almost screeching.

  And then a tremendous bounce, a brief throat-filling sensation of weightlessness, followed by an immense thundering kerrrump that shook the entire car.

  My eyes snapped open in time to see the landscape veering in the windscreen, then bands of white and black switching places, ground and sky pivoting over each other like tumbling clowns, and glass shattered, shards sprayed, and Abortion was pleading-screaming, and there was a series of awesome concussions as though the Astra were a drum someone kept beating, and then we were upside down, and there was snow coming in through holes, and I was aware of blood trickling from my brow up into my hairline, and white faded to black.

  Two

  Coming to was a case of admitting unpleasant truths, one by one.

  First, I was freezing cold. Skin numb in places.

  Second, I hurt. Pain spiking outward from several sources, mainly my chest.

  Third, I was suspended from the seatbelt with my head angled against the underside of the car roof, neck cricked horribly, boxed in, unable to move.

  Fourth, it was pitch dark.

  Fifth, help wasn't coming. Because I must have been unconscious for several minutes, maybe as much as half an hour, and if help had been coming it would have got here by now.

  We'd crashed. Come off the road. Rolled down a hillside. Fetched up in a snowdrift at the bottom. That much I could figure out. And if anyone had witnessed the accident they would be down here trying to see what they could do for us. And there was no one out there, no voices, no footfalls. Outside the car there was only silence. Dead silence.

  So, all in all, not good.

  But I was awake, I was coherent, I'd assessed the situation. Now to do something about it.

  "Abortion?"

  "Uhh."

  Better to use his proper name. "Carl. Carl Hill. It's Gideon. Speak to me."

  "Gid?"

  "Can you understand what I'm saying?"

  "Uh-huh. Yeah. Jesus, what happened?"

  "You tell me. What's the last thing you remember?"

  "Umm, driving. Then... skidding."

  "Anything immediately before the skid?"

  "No." In tone that said Yes, maybe, but I'm not telling.

  It didn't matter. Wasn't relevant right this moment. "Okay, Carl," I said, "first things first. We're upside down in a crashed vehicle. I don't think there's a danger of explosion. I can't smell fuel or smoke. Still, we need to get out. I'm kind of stuck. My seatbelt's locked and I'm squashed in on all sides and can't reach the buckle. Can you?"

  "Dunno."

  "Well, will you try?" Striving to keep my voice under control and not bark at him. Because this was his fault. I'd no idea what he'd done, but he'd done something. Something stupid. Something that validated his nickname.

  "All right. Here goes."

  I heard him fumbli
ng. Grunting with effort. Then there was a click, and a thump, and an "owww!"

  "You okay?"

  "Yeah," came the sore reply. "Just undid my belt, not yours."

  Some kind of genius. "Have a go at mine, then."

  More fumbling, another click, and I felt myself coming loose, legs sliding around and down, and suddenly the places where I was hurting all expanded at once, merging, joining forces so that my body became a single solid mass of pain.

  "Gid? Gid?"

  Abortion's voice came distantly to me, as though through fog, getting louder as the pain slowly lessened.

  "Gid, you're injured."

  "No kidding," I gasped. "What gave it away?"

  "Uh, the way you were yelling?"

  I had, admittedly, been screaming like a girl.

  "I think I've got a couple of broken ribs," I said. "Maybe a broken ankle too. Done something to my shoulder. And I've banged and gashed my head - don't think it's any worse than a cut, don't think there's skull fracture, but even so, it throbs like a bitch." Quite an inventory. "Apart from that, just super-duper."

  "Look, I'm going to get out of here. My side window's gone. There's snow filling the gap but it can't be too thick. I reckon I can dig through and crawl out. Then I'll phone for help."

  "Good plan."

  "Stay put."

  "Not going anywhere."

  It took him several minutes to claw a hole through the snow. As he burrowed his way out, a dim gleam of light crept in, revealing just how badly trashed the Astra was. My side had taken the worst of it. That was why I was all banged up and Abortion was unscathed, and why I had so little room to manoeuvre. The roof was dented down at an angle, to the extent that the passenger-side windows were crushed flat, almost nonexistent. The glove compartment door stuck out like a tongue from a shut mouth. The dashboard was cracked wide open, instruments popping out like eyeballs. The steering column was twisted almost to vertical, the airbag which had saved Abortion from serious harm dangling off it like a used condom.

  I didn't think we'd be getting our insurance deposit back.

  It was agony to laugh, so I stopped.

  Abortion's ugly face appeared at the end of the snow tunnel.

  "Can't pick up a signal," he said. "'No network coverage,' display says. Fucking Orange. Future's bright? Future's shite, more like. I'll head off and find help. There must be someone living nearby, and they'll have a landline."

  "No," I said.

  "No?"

  "No, you can't leave me. In these temperatures, I won't last long. Pull me out and I'll come with you."

  "Think you can walk?"

  "No, but I'll have to. As long as I'm moving, I stand a chance. If I just lie here, by the time the emergency services reach me I'll be a freezer pop."

  "Won't pulling you out be painful?"

  "Almost certainly."

  It wasn't painful.

  It was ten times worse than the worst pain I'd ever known.

  And I'd known pain.

  At the end of it I was mewling like a distressed kitten. I felt like a human-shaped bag of toxic waste. I just wanted to curl up in the snow and die.

  But of course, with my reputation for pigheadedness, that wasn't about to happen.

  While sat up gathering my strength, getting ready to rise, I dug out my phone to see if I could obtain a signal even if Abortion couldn't. But my poor little Nokia wasn't going to be calling anyone ever again. It had snapped along the hinge, and the screen was split in two by a zigzagging fissure. Nothing more pathetic than a piece of dead technology. I sent the phone, both bits of it, cartwheeling off into the snow.

  Abortion then helped me to my feet. Or rather, foot. My left ankle was like splintered celery. It could barely take any weight on it. If he supported me, though, I was able to limp along.

  And we set off. We laboured upslope, following the trail of huge gouges and scrapes the Astra had left in the snow during its bouncing somersault descent. There was debris: a wing mirror here, a taillight there, sprinkles of glass. The contents of our overnight bags had been tossed out of the boot of the car and burst open, all our clothes and toiletries strewn down the hillside, soaked by the snow and beyond salvaging. Finally we reached the top, and the road. Tyre tracks showed where we and the public highway had parted company, the Astra punching through the flimsy wire fence that ran along the verge.

  I blinked snowflakes off my eyelashes.

  "Not having a go at you or anything, Abortion," I said, "but those don't look like skidmarks to me. They don't swerve suddenly. They're almost straight. They look more to me like someone either didn't read the road properly, or someone's mind was on something other than driving."

  Abortion's expression resembled a guilty dog's. "I'm sorry, Gid."

  "What was it? You were skinning up, weren't you?"

  "Only a small one. I've done it a million times before. Mostly I use just the one hand, but for crumbling the grass into the paper you need both, and I waited for a straight stretch to do it, and what you do is you hold the wheel steady with your knees... and... and then you..."

  My look told him not to continue.

  "I'm sorry," he said again, feebly.

  "Abortion," I said, "when this is over I am going to smack you so hard, your balls will still be jangling like bell clappers a week later. But until that glorious moment comes you're the person I need most in all the world. Without you, I'm dead. Do you understand?"

  "I get it. I keep you alive so that you can kill me later."

  "That's pretty much it."

  "You're not a balanced individual, you know that, Gid? Your soul is all out of alignment."

  "Like your face if you don't stop talking and start walking."

  We walked. To be precise, Abortion walked, I stumbled alongside him. No cars passed. That would have been asking too much, to have someone drive by for us to flag down and cadge a lift from. It wasn't likely anyway, not on an evening like this, so far off the beaten track. Even a farmer on a tractor would be too much to expect.

  Two things we had going for us. One: we had warm clothing on. We were dressed for the weather, just about. That was a lucky break.

  And two: we had Abortion's directions. They'd been in his pocket. And they informed us that two or three miles up the road, perhaps a little more, was the place we were aiming for.

  Asgard Hall.

  All we had to do was keep our eyes peeled for certain landmarks. Specifically, a set of black rocks which were supposed to resemble a sleeping giant.

  What I didn't want to consider right then was that, with nearly a foot and a half of snow freshly fallen and more coming down by the second, a set of rocks was going to be hard if not impossible to make out, however big they were. That was a thought I had no wish to address, or share with Abortion. Us not being able to find Asgard Hall simply wasn't an issue. We had to find it. Otherwise we were screwed.

  Instead of contemplating future unknowns, I directed my mind onto past knowns. To keep me from dwelling on the pain as much as anything. Every lurching step I took jarred my ribcage and made it feel as though talons were digging into my side. Rather than wallow in the misery of that, I decided to wallow in the misery of rehashing the conversation Abortion and I had had that led us, ultimately, to the SNAFU we were now in.

  We'd been down the pub. That was where we always met, at The Seven Bells just off Battersea High Street. It was neutral territory for both of us. Nearer Abortion's flat than mine, but then I'd been barred from almost every drinking establishment in my area owing to, ahem, past infractions, so it wasn't as if I had much choice but to board the bus from Wandsworth and head Battersea way. Abortion himself was a regular sight at most of his local boozers but The Seven Bells was the only one he didn't do any work in. He'd reserved it as recreation only, so he always kept his mobile off when he was there, and he wasn't pestered by a constant stream of scabby teenagers coming up to him to score. It was an old man's pub, traditional, a relic: no jukebox or fruitie,
snug, dark, with flock wallpaper and horse brasses, the air still retaining a faint whiff of tobacco even though nobody was allowed to smoke there any more. Above all it was quiet, the background conversation seldom rising above a murmur. A lot of the clientele just sat on their own, nursing beers and bitter memories.

  "So I've heard this rumour," Abortion said. We'd been silent ourselves for a while, eyes not meeting, two blokes who had less in common than they'd care to admit but very few others to call friend.

  "Oh yeah? This the one about Beyoncé and Prince William again?"

  "No, although I swear that's true. Heard it off a man who knows someone who works at the palace. Apparently the guy, he's a valet or something, and he's got the condom to prove it, and he's going to flog it on eBay."

  "Ooh, a used condom with dried royal spunk in it. What's the reserve on that going to be? Twenty pence I'd guess."

  "You could clone your own royal baby out of it."

  "Like Jurassic Park, you mean?"

  "Something like, only without the dinosaurs. No, I'm talking about another rumour. A whole new one. One that's got to do with people like you and me."

  "Losers?"

  "Ex-service. Discharged. Looking for work."

  "I'm not looking for work. I have work. I have a job selling reconditioned printer toner cartridges and it pays handsomely, thank you very much."

  "No, it doesn't."

  "All right, it doesn't, but with that and my half pension I get by."

  "And what about the child maintenance?"

  "Okay, so I don't get by. I can barely makes ends meet. So what? Anyway, you have work too, so why would you be looking around for something else?"

  "I sell dope. That's not work. That's a hobby with benefits. And the money's shit, actually. There's hardly any product coming in right now, what with the crops getting hammered by the bad weather, but people still aren't prepared to pay more than they're used to. Never mind that I tell them about supply and demand, they just won't wear it. So who's getting squeezed? Who's barely able to turn a profit? The middle man, that's who."

  I refrained from pointing out that he would up his income if only he stopped smoking so much of his own stash and kept more of it available for purchase. No great shakes as a businessman, Abortion, bless him.