“Take a seat,” I say to Tobias. “How are your Mom and Clara?” I ask.
Tobias lifts his wine glass and has a sip before placing it on the table. He’s smiling, as if he’s got a secret he’s busting to tell us. “Clara won the lottery. She’s off, who knows where. She Facetimes with me every now and then. But the funniest part,” he pauses and shakes his head. “The funniest part is she said she found herself a boy toy. Two of them, actually.”
I lift my hand to cover my mouth, but the gasp has already escaped. “Two boy toys?” I’m trying really hard not to laugh.
“Get this. One is in his late thirties and the other is in his early forties. She’s having the time of her life. Last week she was on a Greek Island. This week, I have no idea.” He shrugs and smiles.
“Wow, she’s always been so vivacious and loud,” I say.
“You can say that again,” Tobias mumbles under his breath. “Living with her was colorful. But the one thing I knew with absolute certainty, was how she’d always have my back. No matter what, she’ll fight for me tooth and nail.”
The joy in the room quickly dies down, and a serious overtone takes over. I remember what Tobias told me about Clara and what she did to her own son–Tobias’s father. Tobias must be thinking the same thing, because he’s got a faraway look in his eyes. I notice Jared looking between the both of us, confused. “Well, that just killed the mood for the night,” Jared adds, not realizing why we’re both quiet.
“When Clara found out what Dad had done, she near killed him,” Tobias tells Jared.
“I would’ve done the same thing,” Jared says.
“Dad is her son.”
Jared’s mouth opens as his eyes widen. “Well…” he blows out some air and picks his wine glass up. “She’s got some balls. Good for her.”
Tobias turns his head to look at me, and suddenly he smiles. Reaching across the table, he offers me his hand. “She’s got enough balls for both of us,” Tobias says to Jared.
“I ain’t messing with that one. Nope, no way, no sir!” Jared wiggles his finger.
“She bought me the apartment. But I’ve outgrown it, and want something bigger.”
“Oh, that’s why you’re selling. What about school?”
“I finish this year, but I’ve decided I’m going to go to grad school, to get my masters.”
“Are you leaving?” I ask. Suddenly I feel a pain in my chest. We’ve only just found each other again, and now he’s going. I can’t handle this.
“No, the school here offers a master’s program, so, I’ll be staying here.” I blow out a relieved breath. “Come here,” he says to me. I stand and walk around to his side, where he slides his chair out, and sets me on his lap.
I notice Jared leaves the table and I hear the bathroom door close.
“I’m not leaving you ever again,” Tobias says as he brushes my hair away from my face. The pads of his thumbs softly trace my cheek bones.
“I thought you were going again.”
He shakes his head. “I won’t go anywhere without talking to you first. I’m here, Ivy. I’m here forever. Where ever you go, I’ll be there. I can’t leave you again.”
I lean my forehead to his and close my eyes. He gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek. Nothing intimidating or X rated. It’s sweet; he’s sweet. I take in a deep breath, and his familiar aroma of warm apple pie mixed with cinnamon hits me.
“You’re home,” I say while inhaling his intoxicating fragrance.
“I want to be, Ivy. I’ve been working on myself, making sure I’m okay because I want you. I want every part of you.”
This is moving quickly, but he’s my home. There’s no denying it. We belong together. We’ve always belonged together.
“Valentine’s Day is coming up,” he says to me.
“Not for another few weeks.”
“I want to take you somewhere. Will you come with me?”
I nod my head, not needing to verbalize my answer. Of course, I’ll go with him. I’ll go anywhere with him.
“You know something?” he asks. I tilt my head back to look into his eyes. “Yeah you do.” He gives me a cheeky grin. “I love you.”
“I know,” I reply. I’m not ready to give him those words. I know we’re the right fit. Like yin and yang. A perfect combination. Balancing each other. But at the moment, a small part of me tells me I need to protect myself and not reciprocate those words yet. I can feel Azael rearing his ugly head. But I’m stronger now, and I can fight him until he backs down like a puppy with its tail between his legs. Coward.
Tobias leans in and kisses me softly.
We’re meant to be together.
I know that now.
“Are you ready?” Tobias asks.
“Yeah, I am. I’ve got clothes and one of my cameras. Where are we going?”
“Somewhere.”
“Seriously?” I arch my brows at him. “That’s all you’re telling me?”
He takes my suitcase and I pick up my camera bag. “Yep.” He rolls my bag behind him. “Where’s Jared?” he asks.
“I don’t know. He left late last night. Said he was going to study at Josh’s apartment.”
“Since we moved in together, I barely see him. Doesn’t he like his room here?”
We leave the apartment we’re renting, locking the door behind us. Tobias’s apartment sold, and we all decided to move in together. Tobias and I share a room, and Jared has his own. This apartment is three times the size of the one Jared and I had together. “He told me he loves it here. It’s close to school, and close to Josh too.” I smile.
“Oh, I see. So, Josh is more than a study partner?”
“I think Josh is much more than a study partner. Jared hasn’t really said much to me about him. Just how much he likes him, and he doesn’t want to rush into anything.”
“Good for him. As long as he’s happy. When we get back from…” he pauses for a moment, realizing he’s nearly slipped up and told me where we’re going. “From our vacation, I’ll see if he wants to do something next weekend.”
“I think he’ll like that. But then again, he might be more interested in doing something with Josh.” I wiggle my brows at Tobias.
We head down the hallway to the elevator, where Tobias pushes the call button. “No harm in asking.”
I look down to my small suitcase then back to Tobias. “You made me pack for the cold. Obviously, you’re taking me somewhere colder than here.”
“Yep.” Tobias looks up to see where the elevator is at.
“That’s it? Just, ‘yep’?”
He turns to me with a cute and very cheeky, smile. “Yep.”
“You’re annoying,” I grumble.
“Fair call. I’ll take that. Yep, I’m annoying.” He leans down and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”
“I’d be having fun right now if you told me where we’re going.”
“I’ll tell you when we get there.”
“Ugh,” I snap. “It’s too early. And we’re leaving the apartment at five a.m. Who does shit like this? Normal people don’t. I don’t like being out of bed this early.”
“It’s a few hours’ drive.”
“How many is a few?”
The elevator dings open and Tobias maneuvers our suitcases in before reaching for my camera bags. I shake my head at him. My cameras stay with me. “About seven.”
“Seven hours? And we’re only going for three nights? It better be good, Baxter.”
The elevator travels down to the garage where my car and his motorcycle are housed. Tobias loads the suitcases in the trunk of my car, then opens the passenger door for me. I like driving, but considering I have no idea where we’re going, I have to let him drive to the destination. “Let’s go,” he announces once we’re out of the parking garage.
I look out the window, and watch as the scenery changes. The weather is never freezing where we live. It’s nice. Even in winter, we don’t ofte
n see snow. So, it’s a nice change as we travel north.
“Lake Tahoe?” I say as we take the turn off the highway.
“That’s where we’re going. The snow is melting, but there’s still some left.” He reaches over and takes my hand, gently squeezing it.
“I’ve never been,” I say with a huge smile lighting up my face.
“Good, I like knowing I’m experiencing this with you for the first time.”
I can’t wipe the huge smile off my face. Tobias carefully navigates the roads, and we find our way to a small street facing the lake. “We’re not staying at a hotel?” I ask when he pulls up in front of a quaint log cabin.
“No. Someone Clara met has a house here, and he’s letting us use it.”
I get out of the car and stretch because it’s been two hours since our last stop. “Wow,” I say as I grab my camera and head straight for the lake. Because of all the stops we’ve made, it’s now nearing four in the afternoon and will be dark soon. But the lake, she’s beautiful. There’s a sprinkling of snow lining the water’s edge, and the smell of the pine trees is strong and fragrant. There are pine trees scattered along the street, but as I glance around I notice how they become denser in some areas, and sparse in others. I notice a duck swimming on his own on the lake, so I take my camera out and snap a picture of him as his head goes under the water and his tail rises in the air.
“Hey,” Tobias says while hugging me from behind.
“This is so beautiful. I’d love to come here in the summer for a vacation.”
“I can make that happen if you want.”
“I want.” I keep snapping photos, trying to make the late afternoon light work for me. I walk down by the water’s edge, and find some huge boulders I can sit on. I’m totally in my element. Everything is so breathtaking that I don’t want to miss out on the late afternoon light.
“I’ll take the luggage up to the house, and be back in a few, okay?”
“Yeah,” I sigh as I look out at the magnificence of mother earth. I keep snapping away, taking photos until I hear Tobias return. “You know when it would be just spectacular here?”
“When” He sits on the boulder I was sitting on.
“In fall. I’d love to come here and see the pine trees changing from green to that yellowy-orange color. If we hiked up that way, maybe we’d find a rustic cabin. Oh man, my senses are in overload. Everywhere I look, I want to go exploring. Can we head up and go skiing? Not like I’ve skied before, but how hard can it be? Maybe we can go sledding too? What do you think?”
Tobias is smiling at me as I talk so fast and excitedly. “Just one problem, beautiful. Pine trees don’t change in the fall. But we can do whatever you want. Let’s go up on the slopes tomorrow and ski.”
“Eeek!” I clap as I do a little jiggle dance.
“Do you want to head up there now and have a look around?”
“Hell yes! Let’s go.” I hold my camera firmly in my left hand, and grab Tobias with my right hand pulling him along. “Come on. I’ll swap out cameras and we can go.”
“We better get changed into something warmer, too.” As we walk inside, he gazes down and sees the stem of my tattoo sticking out from beneath the arm of my sweater. “I like this.” He pushes my sleeve up a bit and rubs his hand over my tattoo. “I like how you wound it around your scar.”
“I want something on the other side, too. But I don’t know what I want there yet. Getting tattooed is quite addictive.”
“You’re telling me.” Tobias has added to his tattoos, and is slowly working on getting a sleeve.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“Why are you working on a sleeve for this arm, but that one only has Stay Strong on it? Aren’t you going to add to it?”
“I’ll never tattoo anything else on this arm, because this is my reminder of what I’ve survived. It’s my strength when I’m weak. I don’t want anything else on this arm, just those two words. Except for you, they’re all I need to keep me grounded. To remember that the past is something we can’t change, but we can do whatever we want in the present if we just stay strong.”
“It’s funny how I used to look at those words and think they were perfect for me.”
“They’re perfect for anyone who’s going through challenges. Staying strong is hard to do, but as long as we live through the night, the next day always brings new possibilities.”
I open my suitcase and take out some warmer clothes. Stripping my sweater off, Tobias’s gaze instantly goes to my stomach. He’s seen me naked plenty of times, but I honestly struggle with the scars. He makes me feel beautiful, but I know my scars are ugly.
Subconsciously I splay my hand on my stomach.
“Don’t do that, Ivy.”
I look away from him. My stupid head is arguing with me. These scars will be with me until I die; I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. They tell a story of a girl who was once drowning in darkness. She didn’t know how to cope, so she cut. I should wear them with pride that I was able to overcome all the negativity. But with Tobias staring at me the way he is, I can’t help letting self-doubt creep into me.
“You have to stop doing that,” Tobias says as he sits on the bed.
“What?” my voice cracks. I know what he means but I’m trying to pretend I’m not attempting to cover myself up. Obviously, I’m not fooling him.
“You do it all the time. You try and cover yourself up around me. When you come into our room to change after a shower, you turn your back to me so I can’t see all of you.”
“No, I don’t,” I say. But, yes, I know I do.
He runs his hand through his hair and stares sympathetically at me. “Ivy, you know you do it.”
“They’re ugly,” I whisper as I look down to my feet, still trying to cover myself.
“They’re you. Without those, who knows if we’d be here today? Please, don’t be ashamed of them. I’m not. I think they’re nearly as beautiful as the woman who wears them.”
He makes me feel beautiful. No, that’s not right. He forces me to look at myself and see beauty, not a girl with a broken past.
Slowly, I drop my hands from my stomach.
His eyes bore into my body. My heart rate increases, as I begin to find my strength.
Tobias stands from the bed, and saunters over to me.
I pull my shoulders back, and lift my chin. Standing proud, I lock eyes with his, and watch as he lifts his hand and gently traces the patterns on my stomach. He drops his gaze, staring at my stomach.
The way he’s touching me so gently coaxes me to enjoy this moment.
His attention is on my stomach, on the crisscross lines and shapes I’ve carved into myself.
“This one here…” He bends his head and trails a line of kisses from one end to the other of a scar. “You cut yourself when you were sad.” I look down at the line he’s talking about, and remember exactly when I made it. He’s right, I was sad. I was unhappy with Azael, and his broken promises. He was promising me to go away and never return if I only cut a little deeper. “And this one here…” he kisses a smaller, less angry-looking scar, “…you made it because you thought no one was listening.”
Tears spring to my eyes. He’s right, I did cut because I thought I was invisible and I’d never be seen. When only the stars seemed to care. Yes, I had Dad and Jared, but I never thought they’d understand. Tears roll down my cheeks as Tobias continues to kiss my stomach.
“And this one…” he draws over the discolored, puffy line with his finger, before kissing it from one end to the other, “…this one you did because he told you to.”
“Please,” I beg as a sob rips through me, causing my chest to tighten. “Stop,” I barely manage to whisper.
Covering my face with my hands, I cry into my palms.
“You’ve come such a long way, Ivy. These scars are a part of you. They’re a roadmap to your soul. Don’t let them become your soul. You’re so much more than t
hese scars, they make you the strong, confident, stunning woman you are today.”
He takes my hands away from my face, and embraces me.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter as more tears fall.
“Don’t be sorry. Be strong. And be proud. You survived, and now you’re thriving.”
He lightly kisses my mouth. His entire body is overshadowing mine. Not in a creepy way, but in a way I know he’ll forever be here for me when I have my weak moments.
He loves me.
“Tobias,” I say as I pull away from the kiss.
“Yeah.” He skims his nose down my jaw line. His tongue slides out as he licks and kisses my throat.
“I love you,” I finally say. I haven’t said it before. I’ve thought it, but never had the courage to say it out loud.
“I know,” he responds as he hugs me against his taunt body and keeps exploring every exposed inch of my body.
These past five months have been a whirlwind.
Jared moved out of our apartment and in with Josh. I tried to persuade him to stay here, but he and Josh have fallen head over heels in love with each other. Josh is studying to be a nurse too, so it’s only fitting they’ve found each other. And really, they’re quite perfect together. Josh is quiet and reserved, and he calms the excitable Jared down.
They’re mint and chocolate rolled into one. Both are great on their own, but together they’re perfect.
Tobias is studying like crazy because he wants to be the best psychologist he can be. But for the past couple of weeks he’s been even more stressed than normal.
Tobias paces in front of me as I get dressed for today.
“You okay?” I ask.
“I think so.” But I know he means no. He’s far from okay, because of what’s going to happen in a few hours.
“Sit down,” I say and pat the bed. He sits beside me and immediately starts fidgeting. He’s nowhere near okay. “Talk to me.”
Tobias jumps up and starts pacing again. I can only imagine how stressful this is for him.
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