“I haven’t seen him since I was nine. And, I’m not sure I can see him today.”
“If you don’t go to his parole hearing, you can’t speak up for yourself. You need to do this.”
He comes over to me, and collapses to his knees in front of me. “I’m not sure I’m strong enough,” he says and leans his forehead on my lap.
“You are, Tobias. You have to stand up in front of the parole board, and tell them what it will mean to you if he’s let out.”
“I can’t do it.” He can, but he’s incredibly nervous. The fact he barely slept last night, tossing, and turning ’til morning isn’t helping. And when he did get a moment’s sleep, he was whimpering and mumbling incoherently.
“You can do this. You’re the strongest man I know, Tobias.” I cradle his jaw in my palms, and kiss his forehead. “I’ll be there, every single step. If you think you need to leave once we get there, we’ll go. But, you of all people know, you need to face him. You need to tell them why he shouldn’t be allowed out and you need to do it with pride.”
“I know,” he says and lowers his head again. He’s hugging me so tightly, it feels like he’s going to squeeze the life out of my legs.
We stay entangled for long minutes. I’m running my fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp as he mentally prepares himself for something that will emotionally tear him apart.
Looking over at my alarm clock, I see the time and know we need to leave if we’re going to get to the parole hearing on time. “Tobias, we have to go.”
“Okay.” He tightens his arms around me, before releasing and standing. “Mom and Clara are going to meet us there.”
“Jared and Dad too.”
Tobias nods his head. “It’s humbling,” he says as he puts his suit jacket on. “Having you, your dad, and Jared there for me. It shows me how important you all are to me, and how important I am to you. I never thought I was going to find that. For a long time, I thought I was destined to be on my own. I never imagined a time when I would have the nerve to tell anyone what happened. But here I am, about to face my abuser and surrounding me will be the most important people in my life. You, your dad, and even Jared, you’ve never judged me. And for me, a man, someone who’s supposed to be strong and stoic, it brings me to my knees. It’s the most grounding and humbling experience of my life.”
“We all support you because we all love you. We’re here for you. We’ll be with you every step of the way. We’re not going anywhere.”
“I know,” he whispers and wipes at a few tears.
He’s the strongest man I know. He’s survived a horrifying childhood, had his trust ripped away by the person who was supposed to be protecting him. And here he is now, trusting us to support him. “I’m honored to be part of this with you, Tobias.” Walking over to him, I give him a hug.
He pulls out of the hug, gives me a small smile and links our fingers together. We leave for the parole hearing.
I’ve never been to a parole hearing, and I’m hoping after today I never have to go to another one. I know I will though, because even if they refuse him parole, he’ll have another hearing next year.
Tobias is beside me, his fingers entwined with mine. I can feel his hand trembling, and his leg is bouncing up and down. There’s a table with five people behind it, facing us, and there are two tables closer, seating lawyers with their backs to us. It’s a lot like you see in the movies. It’s surreal and weird. I feel like there should be a camera in here and any moment, the director is going to shout, “Action.”
A man shuffles into the room in shackles, accompanied by two prison guards. He’s an older man, with a thick, gray mane. He’s tall, with wide shoulders and narrow hips.
Tobias stares forward, but his hand tightens around mine. I hear a small gasp from him.
Turning to look at Tobias, I give him a small nod and try to ease his stress with a smile. He straightens his shoulders and looks straight ahead.
The tension in his hand is crushing, but I can see he’s doing everything he can to hold it together.
The parole board members start talking. They ask Tobias’s dad questions, and I listen to him give them rehearsed speeches and prepared answers.
They look down at their paperwork, then one of them calls Tobias up to give his statement.
As Tobias stands, his father turns to look at him. He gives Tobias a snicker—which Tobias doesn’t see—and I can tell that all his pretty words are nothing more than lies. His gaze catches mine. I sit straighter and glare at him. The tiger in me emerges, and I scowl at him. If he wants a piece of Tobias, he’s going to have to go through me first.
“How’s the penis?” Clara calls out to her son.
You can hear a pin drop. Everyone is silent. Tobias’s father cringes and turns around to face the front. Yeah, that’s right, don’t ever look at Tobias again.
I’m confident that if he’s let out today, Clara will kill him. His own mother will end his life.
“Mr. Baxter, how do you feel about being at this parole hearing?” someone asks. I’m not sure who. I’m too busy plotting his dad’s death in my head.
Tobias’s back is to me. I can’t see his face, which means he can’t see his father, either. I want to go stand beside him to show my support, and give him some comfort. But I can’t. He has to do this for himself, or he’ll forever feel trapped.
Silence blankets the room. Everyone is waiting for Tobias to speak. His words will weigh heavily with the board in determining whether his father is released.
My Dad is sitting on the other side of me. He grips my hand and holds it. “He’ll be okay,” Dad whispers.
Nodding, I know Tobias will be okay. He just needs to open his mouth and speak from the heart. Silently I encourage him. Come on, you can do this.
“My father sexually abused me,” Tobias starts in a low voice. A sprinkling of goosebumps covers my skin. Those words are horrible, and took so much courage to speak. To stand in front of a room filled with strangers and admit something like that must be so hard. “He used my love to manipulate me for his own perverse pleasures. And I didn’t know any better. I was four when he started, and nine when it stopped. The only reason he stopped was because my grandmother, his own mother, Clara, figured out what was happening and called the authorities. There’s no doubt in my mind that he would’ve continued to do what he was doing to me until I got too old for his tastes if my grandmother hadn’t found out about it. He didn’t stop because he was remorseful. He stopped because he was caught.”
Tobias turns to search for me, and I give him a nod, silently telling him how proud I am of him.
“He…” Tobias stops for a second and takes a deep breath. “The words I heard him say to you, about how he’s rehabilitated and sorry for his actions, aren’t words I’ve ever heard from him. He said how truly sorry he is for what he’s done, but at no point has he ever apologized to me. He’s begging you to let him go, and I’m begging you not to. He has no conscience, and no appreciation of what he’s done to me or how much pain I’m still carrying around. If you put him on the street, I can guarantee he’ll reoffend. I know this, because as he was talking to you, he used the same tone he used with me. I used to think he was sincere, and that was how people showed their love. But I recognized the moment he opened his mouth, he was lying and trying to manipulate his way out of this.”
Tobias stops again, looks down at the floor before lifting his head and continuing, “He ruined me. He took something he had no right to take. For many years I blamed myself, because I thought what happened was my fault. If I was shorter, maybe he wouldn’t have liked me. Or, if I was a girl, maybe he wouldn’t have been interested. If I was blonde, maybe he would’ve left me alone. It took me a long time to figure out that it didn’t matter how I looked, what I wore, who I was. I was never to blame. He is a predator. He sexually abused me, his own son, with no remorse or feelings of guilt. What makes you believe he’s rehabilitated when he can’t even say he’s
sorry to me? He stripped away my soul, stomped on it, took my heart, and destroyed it. I’ll never forgive him for taking my innocence.”
I look over to his mom and to Clara, who are hugging each other and crying. My own hot tears are falling, and all I want to do is run to him and hug him.
“I’m not afraid of him anymore. But I’m begging you not to let me down the way he did. Don’t let him out. He doesn’t deserve the chance to destroy any more lives. I was a victim for far too long. Now, I’m a survivor, but the next child may not be as lucky.” He takes a drawn-out breath. The room is completely silent. Tobias has commanded everyone’s attention just by speaking from the heart. “Thank you,” he finally says. Turning, he lifts his chin with pride and makes his way over to me.
He grabs my hand, and holds it tightly.
And now we wait.
But we don’t wait for long, before the decision is made.
“Parole… rejected.”
Tobias’s father groans. We all sigh with relief.
His father is led away the same way he came in. Herded like a dangerous animal in shackles. Exactly what he deserves.
Clara sticks her middle finger up at him as he turns to look at us. “Enjoy being someone’s bitch,” she calls to him. “I’ll send you some Vaseline.”
Soon the room is isolated, except for us and a guard.
Tobias hasn’t said another word. He stands, gives his mom and Clara a hug. Then he turns and shakes my Dad’s hand and gives Jared a fist bump.
“Can we go now?” he asks me with tears brimming in his reddened eyes. He’s holding it together, but only barely.
“We can,” I say, hugging him around his waist and snuggling into him.
We all walk out, and head to our cars. The heaviness is still there. It’ll take a while before the fog lifts and he can finally breathe. And there’s no way I’ll let him down by not being by his side.
We get into my car to drive home, and he finally lets all his emotions go. He breaks down, sobbing. “I didn’t think I could see him.”
“But you did.” More of my own tears fall. This day is emotional, and hard on all of us. “How do you feel?” I ask.
He wipes at his cheeks, and takes a few moments to compose himself. He straightens his shoulders and lifts his head. “Truthfully?” he asks.
“Only the truth.”
With the hugest sigh, and the first genuine smile I’ve seen from him in weeks, he says, “I feel lighter.”
Walking in sand with heels is a bitch, so I take them off and sling them over my fingers. I’ll put them on later for the reception.
“You okay?” I ask Jared.
Looking over to him, I can’t help but see how pale he is. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he groans as he holds his stomach.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Pull it together.”
“Ivy, tell me I’m doing the right thing.”
“I’m going to smack you in a minute. Do you honestly think I’d let you do this if it wasn’t right? You and Josh, you’re perfect together. Don’t be a dick.”
The uneasy tension lifts and he smiles at me. “You’re right, I’m freaking out for no reason.”
“Yes, exactly. Stop being insecure. You and Josh have been together through so much, and you got through everything. There’s no way you two aren’t meant for each other.”
Jared smiles at me again. “He’s a pretty good guy.”
“He’s better than good. He’s your perfect.”
We stand at the makeshift altar on the beach, and watch as guests arrive. There aren’t a lot of people invited, and there are about thirty chairs set up for them. Tobias sits in the front row, proudly watching us.
He stands and makes his way over to Jared. Jared offers him his hand to shake, but Tobias rolls his eyes and goes straight in for a hug. “You scrub up okay,” Tobias teases.
“You’re still fairly sexy. I like the outfit.” Jared points to Tobias choice of clothing.
Once upon a time, Tobias would’ve reacted differently to Jared telling him he’s sexy, but now, I think he revels in it.
“Yeah, I picked it out myself,” Tobias proudly announces.
“Seriously?” I scoff. “You wanted to wear a suit, I told you not to. I picked your wardrobe out.”
Tobias steps into me and swoops me up in a hug. “She thinks ‘cause she’s the best man, she can say whatever she wants.”
“She can say whatever she wants,” Jared defends me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Josh’s mom waving to me. Josh is here. “You need to sit, because it’s about to start,” I say to Tobias.
Tobias sits beside my Dad. Jared’s gaze goes straight to the back, where he sees Josh walking toward him. I can’t keep my eyes off Jared. His every feeling is so plain on his face. He’s smiling as he watches Josh walk toward us; his eyes are filled with tears. The joy emanating from him, makes me so happy.
Josh comes to stand beside us and the celebrant starts the service.
As I hold their rings, I start to wonder what it would be like for Tobias and me to get married. I’ve always dismissed it before, and we’ve already been together for nearly seven years now. He’s talked about it and hinted at it, but I’ve never felt the need.
But standing here on the beach at sunset, with all the pretty colors of the sky reflecting off the calm water, and seeing how happy Jared and Josh are makes me wonder if this is the next step in Tobias’s and my relationship.
Jared and Josh both have written their own vows, and as they speak their words of love and commitment, I long for marriage myself. Maybe I’m caught up in the moment and I’ve succumbed to the wedding vibe. But, maybe, this is what I really want.
When the ceremony is over the photographer, a friend of mine who works at the magazine with me, asks us for some photos as a group before she takes photos of just Jared and Josh.
I stand back, and watch as she uses the rest of the light to capture some amazing photos of them. I wish I was doing their photography, but Jared wanted me to be his best man, or best woman, as we both decided my title to be.
“What are you thinking about?” Tobias asks as he hugs me and we watch just how happy Jared and Josh are.
“About us,” I say.
“What about us?”
“Well, I think we should get married,” I say.
Tobias steps back and searches my eyes. “Are you kidding me?”
“No, why would I be kidding you?”
“Because you said you never wanted to get married. And you said it a lot of times, which led me to believe you really didn’t want to get married!”
“I know, but I want more of what we have. I want more of us. And I want it to be legal. You’re doing what you love, helping sexually abused children, and I’m doing what I love, working at the magazine, flying around the world whenever they want me to go on shoots. So, now I want to do more of what I love, and I love you.”
“You’re killing me, Ivy. I’ve hinted, I’ve mentioned it, hell I even proposed, and you’ve always said ‘no.’ Now that I don’t have a ring, you tell me you want to get married?”
“I don’t need a ring. I just need you. And a piece of paper.” Tobias’s face splits into the biggest grin I’ve ever seen on him. Stepping back so there’s a few inches between us, I get down on one knee and look up to him. “The past seven years have been terrifying, and exciting, and thrilling. In those years, we’ve had our ups and our downs. But the one thing I’ve always had is your love. I know I can get through anything if you’re by my side. Tobias James Baxter, will you marry me?”
The smile on his face says it all.
He swoops me up and twirls me around. “Yes.”
The hour will come when we all must face our demons. Sometimes those demons are real, and sometimes only you can see and hear them. Strength will prevail, as long as you can hold on for one more moment.
Because it’s in these moments when courage, loyalty, love, and strength tr
iumph.
Stay strong.
National Suicide Prevention Life Line USA 1800 273 8255
Samaritans UK 116 123
Calm UK 0800 58 58 58
Life Line Australia 13 11 44
Beyond Blue Australia 1300 22 4636
Drowning.
I felt like I was drowning while writing this book. Ivy, Tobias, and Jared’s story isn’t too different from yours or someone you know. It was difficult for me to stay in such a heavy head space, and to make sense of the feelings my characters (Ivy in particular) were having.
Although we didn’t get a point of view from Tobias, he was constantly drowning in his own thoughts of self-hatred. Having the shadow of abuse hanging over him, clouded his normal.
This book has been the heaviest one I’ve written, and the research involved in this has opened my eyes to mental health. It was also heavy, because shortly after I started writing it, my father passed away quite suddenly. I myself wasn’t in the best of places, and listening to Ivy’s story made my heart hurt even more for her, and for my loss. It’s taken me nine months to complete this story. With a whirlpool of emotions drowning me, and characters who’ve had to deal with so much from a young age, I was careful to give you a story based on their lives, and not my own.
But, every story I write, a piece of me is embedded in it. A part of my soul has touched the lives of these characters, and their souls have touched mine.
‘Drowning’ to me is so important. I want to let our youth of today know that they’re not alone. I want them to read this and identify with Ivy’s strength, so they know they can overcome whatever is happening in their lives.
Ivy was one cut off dying, and after doing the research for Drowning, I found suicide is the biggest killer of Australian youths. Australia isn’t a minority. In America, nearly one in five people suffer from mental health. How many suffer in silence? How many people think there’s a stigma attached to mental health? We need to change, and we need to not be embarrassed of ourselves.
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