One of my proofreaders said to me, she felt like either I or someone close to me has been a cutter and I wrote about it from first hand experience. Reality is, I’m sure there are so many people who are close to me who battle their own demons on a daily basis. And I’m even surer they don’t want to talk about it because they’re petrified of what people will think of them.
Mental health is real.
Please, be kind to those who suffer in silence. We never know what they’re going through.
Silence is a tumor. Don’t keep it bottled up, reach out to someone to talk to them. I’ve provided phone numbers if you need them. They’re one call away and they’re there to help you.
Stay strong.
It’s days like today I wish I was dead.
“Lily Anderson, you get your ugly ass out here right this minute. Don’t make me come after you,” Daddy screams.
He’s so angry. I knew the moment I heard him come home from work I was in for it. I was in my bedroom, lying on the floor trying to do my math. He slammed the front door so hard the windows in my room shook.
And then I knew, I knew I was in for it.
“Lily Anderson!” he yells again.
As soon as I heard him yell I ran to my hiding spot. I’m inside the closet in the hallway, wedged as far into the corner as I can get. Mom’s old coat hangs in front of me and I can still smell a faint waft of the perfume she used to wear.
“Lily Anderson!” he shouts. I can hear the anger in his voice and I can already feel the pain he’s going to inflict on me when he opens the closet door. I know what’s coming.
I close my eyes tight, scrunching them up so no light can seep through. I put my hands over my ears so I can’t hear him.
“I swear to God; if I have to find you, you will not sit for a month.”
My knees are folded into my chest. I’m trying to make myself small, invisible, so he forgets I’m here. I’m rocking myself, trying to block out what he’s saying.
School is safe. School is safe. School is safe. I keep repeating the mantra because in a few short hours I’ll be back at school. Maybe tomorrow I can go to the library after school, stay there until it closes and then sneak in after Dad’s passed out, because he’s had too much to drink.
It was never like this before.
I’m twelve years old and I can remember when Mom, Dad, and I were all happy. But that was years ago. It’s been a long time since there’s been any happiness in this house.
Well, before Mom died, and not a day since.
Mom died when I was nine. I don’t remember much about her, except I remember her telling me how ugly I am. How life would be better if I were taken away from them. How I’ll never be anything, because I’m stupid and ugly.
Sometimes I dream happy things. Like me, Mom, Dad and a little blond-haired boy all going for a picnic. The sun beamed down on us as we played outside and laughed. We’d eat yummy sandwiches Mom made for us, and we’d drink homemade lemonade. We’d spend hours outside, laughing and talking and just having fun. Mom would tell me how pretty I am, and how much she loved me. She would play with my hair, braid it, and then we’d go and pick bright flowers to take home and put in a vase. Dad would smile and call us “his girls”, always kissing Mom and hugging me. Dad would put the little boy on his shoulders and run around the park, trying to catch the clouds.
I love those dreams, and I hold onto them; wishing they were real. But I’ve never had a mom like that, and my dad doesn’t talk much unless it’s with his fists, or to tell me how ugly and useless I am.
I feel him walking around the house. The floorboards creak and the vibrations from his footsteps come through the floor to where my bottom is. I close my eyes tighter and try and breathe as quietly as I can.
Please go away, Daddy. Please go away.
My heart is beating so fast. My hands are shaking and I’m trying really hard not to think about what’s going to happen the minute he opens the closet door.
Shhh, it’s so quiet. The only sound is my heart thrumming in my ears. Nothing else. Not a whisper, not a rattle…nothing.
Maybe Daddy’s left. Maybe he’s gone to the pub to have a few drinks. Maybe, just maybe, he’s left...forever.
I take a deep breath and just relax for a moment. My shoulders drop and I finally stop rocking.
Slowly I take my hands down from my ears, and I’m so happy because I can’t hear him yelling at me. I can’t hear him at all.
Gradually, I begin to unscrunch my eyes from the way I’ve tightly closed them. But something’s not right. There’s light coming into the closet.
I don’t even get a chance to open them fully before a rough hand reaches in, latches onto my ponytail and yanks.
“I told you it’d be worse for you if I had to find you,” Dad says, as he drags me out of the closet by my hair.
I’m desperately trying to hold onto my head so he doesn’t rip my hair out. My feet are trying to find traction on the dirty floorboards.
“Please, Daddy. Please. You’re hurting me,” I begin sobbing as I plead with him.
“Then your ugly ass should’ve come when I called you, you stupid bitch. You’re fucking worthless, you ugly idiot,” he says. But now his voice is calm as he continues to drag me toward the family room.
That’s when he’s most scary. When his voice is low and his eyes are filled with hate.
He throws me against the side of the sofa and takes a step back to look at me.
I look up and can see he’s the angriest I’ve ever seen him. “You dumb, ugly piece of shit,” he says, as he paces back and forth in front of me.
“Sorry, Daddy. Whatever I did, I’m so sorry.” I cower into myself, trying to make myself as small as possible.
“You’re just too fucking stupid, aren’t you?” he spits toward me as he brings his hand up to scratch at his chin.
“I’m sorry,” I say again. Tears are falling hot and fast down my cheeks. My head hurts from where he was pulling my hair, but I don’t dare try to rub the spot.
“You ugly fuck.” He kicks a boot into my leg.
The pain is instant and my leg feels like it’s shattered. “Please, Daddy,” I beg again, burying my face into my hands.
But ‘please’ never seems to work.
Nothing does.
I’ve just got to take the beatings, because that’s what stupid, ugly girls do.
Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s not freely given.
There are some people in our lives we automatically trust. We believe everything our parents say and do. We know their actions and instincts are always to protect and teach us.
We learn to trust those with whom we develop a bond of friendship.
Strangers don’t have our trust. We’re wary of them; we keep them at arm’s length until they prove themselves to us.
Trust, once earned, can also be ripped away. That can happen over a period of time or in an instant.
Tonight I’ll discover how cruel the world can be when trust is brutally torn away . . .
Standing in front of the full length mirror, I look myself over. My emerald green gown sweeps the floor while my long, dark brown hair is twisted back into a simple, yet elegant chignon.
“You look beautiful, darling,” Mom murmurs, leaning against the door frame.
Looking to her, I see tears glimmering in her eyes. “Mom,” I say walking toward her.
Her arms open and she folds me into a warm ‘mom’ hug. “Oh look at me! I’m being so silly, Dakota. It feels like it was only yesterday I was watching you crawl around the house in diapers and today, you’re the most beautiful sixteen-year-old young lady my eyes have ever seen.”
Smiling broadly at her, I can’t stem the wetness beginning to well up in my own eyes. “Mom,” I whisper as I blink crazily, trying to hold back the tears.
Mom steps back and holds me at arm’s length. “Let me look at my gorgeous daughter all ready for her junior prom.” She looks me over as I do a
small spin for her, showing off my dress and my hairstyle. “Oh darling,” she whispers while shaking her head. “I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you.”
“You have to say that; you’re my mom.”
“No, I don’t.” She’s shakes her head. “I’m so blessed to have you as my daughter.” Suddenly the few tears Mom’s let escape have escalated to more and before I know it, her whole face is drenched in salt water. I move to hug her again, but Mom pushes me away. “Don’t, I’ll ruin your dress,” she says wiping her tears from her face. “I’m just being a silly old lady.”
“You’re not silly, and it doesn’t matter about my dress.” I hug Mom, and she holds me close to her body.
“Thank you, sweetheart. It means so much to me to be able to hug you today.” Mom’s body relaxes and she takes a deep breath. “You have to finish getting ready before Levi arrives to take you to prom.”
“I need to touch up my makeup and I’ll be out.”
“Okay, I’ll go get the camera ready. Dad said he wants heaps of photos, because he won’t be home from work in time to see you leave.”
“It’s okay, I understand,” I tell her. Truthfully, I’m a little hurt Dad can’t be here, but I know he wants to be and he can’t get any time off from work because he’s taking two weeks’ vacation over the summer break so we can go to Canada to visit Mom’s sister and our cousins.
“You look so beautiful.” Mom lovingly smiles at me before turning to leave my room.
I sit back down in front of my dressing table, and carefully touch up my hair and make-up. When I’m finally ready, I pick up my small clutch and head out to wait for Levi.
My heels make a clicking sound as I make my way down the hall and into the family room where Mom is already waiting with the camera. My younger sister, Sam, is standing beside her, eagerly watching me walk toward them.
“Dakota,” she gasps as her eyes follow my dress up and down. “You look so . . . wow!”
Sam has recently turned fourteen and I know she idolizes me. It’s obvious in the way she tries to style her hair like mine and copies what I wear. It used to bother me when I was younger, but it doesn’t anymore because I know she loves me and wants to be exactly like her big sister.
I’m considered to be one of the ‘popular’ girls at school. I’m on the cheerleading squad, have great grades, and I’m dating Levi Matthews, who’s on the basketball team. We’re the couple everyone wants to be.
“Let me take some photos out back by the pool,” Mom says.
“You look so pretty, Dakota,” Sammy says again. “I can’t wait for my prom, but you have to promise you’ll help me look like a princess, too.”
“Of course I will. Come on, let’s go,” I call to Sam, who’s sitting on the sofa watching me and Mom.
“You want me to come too?” Her eyes light up as if I’ve given her the best news of her life.
“Well, you are my little sister, and I can’t exactly be in these photos all by myself.”
Sam’s face brightens with joy at being included. She leaps off the sofa and runs straight at me, just stopping before she falls into my arms. “I don’t want to ruin your dress so I’ll just stand beside you,” she says, excitedly bouncing on the spot.
When we get out to the pool, Mom has already positioned herself, ready to take a million or so pictures. “Stand over here, Dakota.”
Sam follows me as I walk to where Mom’s pointing, already snapping pictures. Before long, I have Sam in the photos with me, and Mom continues with the broadest, proudest smile she can muster. “I think I’ve got about three hundred,” Mom says. “I’m certain Dad will love them. Come on, let’s go inside and wait for Levi.”
“Are you nervous about tonight?” Sam quietly asks me.
I’d confided in her that maybe Levi and I would finally go all the way tonight. He’s booked a hotel room, and without Mom and Dad knowing we’re planning to leave the prom early to go there. But I’ve been having second thoughts, and I just don’t think I’m ready for it. “I don’t know if I can,” I whisper to Sam as we keep an eye on Mom to make sure she’s not listening.
“If you’re not sure, then don’t do it. You don’t want to regret it. Just talk to Levi. He loves you, and if you’re not ready, tell him.” She brings her arm up to drape around my shoulders and pulls me in close for a hug.
“Who made you so responsible? You’re supposed to be fourteen, Sam, not logical and level-headed.” We both giggle, because we know Sam has always been the super smart one, the one who can look at a situation and instantly know what’s right and wrong. She’s been like that for as long as I can remember. As I lean in to kiss her cheek, there’s a knock on the door. “Eeeek,” I squeal happily and Sam jumps up and down, clapping.
Mom answers the door, and Sam leans in to whisper, “Just talk to him, okay?” Nodding my head, I bring her in to give her another tight cuddle.
“Hello, Mrs. Bennett, how are you?” I hear the deep gravel of Levi’s voice.
“Don’t you look handsome tonight, Levi? And I’m very well. Please come in. Dakota is waiting for you.” She opens the door further and Levi enters looking so hot. He’s wearing a black suit with a green tie that perfectly matches the color of my dress. His dark hair is nicely styled back, and his suit really emphasizes his broad shoulders. I’m so lucky to have him.
“Oh my God,” Levi breathes when his gaze falls on me. Hungrily, he looks me up and down, and I see him gulp while his eyes appear glued to me. “You look . . .” He shakes his head and shoves a hand in his pocket. Seemingly speechless, he leans in close and under the guise of kissing my cheek, he whispers, “You look good enough to eat.” My heart beats quicker and my cheeks burn with an obvious flush. Pulling back, he smiles at me and hands me a corsage. “I can’t talk, I’m blown away by how gorgeous you are.”
“Thank you,” I say while looking down at the vibrant pink rose. “Will you pin it on me?” Taking it out of the clear plastic container, I hand it to Levi to pin on my dress.
“You two look so cute together,” Mom gushes and I hear the camera clicking.
Both Levi and I turn to look at Mom, who’s busy staring at us from behind her active lens. “Okay, well, we should get going,” Levi announces once the flower is pinned to my dress.
“Have you got your keys?” Mom asks. I double-check my clutch and nod my head. “If you can’t get home, call me and I’ll come to get you. And no drinking,” she says the last part in her firm ‘mom’ voice, while pointing her finger.
“I won’t, Mom.” Levi opens the door while I give Sam and Mom another hug.
We walk out the door hand in hand and head toward the car Levi hired. “Oh wow,” I squeal excitedly. “A limousine!” The long black car waits out on the street in front of my house, and the uniformed driver is standing beside it with the back passenger door open for us. “Oh my goodness,” I murmur as I excitedly clasp my hand to my mouth.
“Nothing but the best for my girl.” Levi holds me close against his body. “I love you.” He leans down and brushes his lips across mine. “I’d do anything to put a smile on your gorgeous face.” His fingers flex against my hip as he makes me a silent promise about tonight.
My heart is pounding inside my chest, and I feel as if a swarm of butterflies have taken up residency in the pit of my belly. When we reach the car, he holds out his hand to help me slide in first. Once I’m settled inside the back of the car, Levi slides in beside me and the driver gently closes the door, then goes around to the front to get into the driver’s seat.
“How are you feeling?” Levi asks quietly. I know the question is more about our plans for after the dance, rather than the dance itself.
I lift my head to see the privacy partition is up, separating us from the driver. “I’m not sure I’m ready, Levi,” I openly admit. With my blood thrumming loudly through my veins, I hold my breath and watch Levi’s reaction to my words.
“Oh.” The hopeless defeat in his voice makes me squ
irm in my seat with guilt.
“I’m so sorry. But I don’t think I can give you that tonight.” This is the first time I’ll be having sex, and even though I know I love Levi, something is telling me to wait.
“Yeah, okay,” Levi responds dejectedly and sits back in his seat. He turns his head and looks out the window, while his left leg bounces up and down. “I thought you loved me, Dakota.” He doesn’t turn his head to look at me, and the knot in my stomach tightens even more. He’s disappointed in me, but I’m not ready to give him my virginity. I can’t do something that doesn’t feel right.
“Can you please wait for me?” I move my hand to touch his arm, hoping he won’t hate me.
He takes a deep breath and slowly his shoulders move up and drop as he expels the air. Levi turns to look at me. His features don’t seem harsh, “Of course I can wait,” he responds and leans in to give me a small kiss on the forehead.
Suddenly the butterflies leave my stomach and I let out a ragged breath. “I’m sorry if I’ve lead you on.” I slide my hand down to his so we can link our fingers.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ve been together for seven months now and I thought it was time. But I can wait, I suppose.” He trails his fingers up and down my bare arm while leaning in to kiss my temple. “It’ll be fine,” he mumbles against my forehead.
We arrive at the prom and can hear the thumping of the music from the street. As we walk in, I let out a soft gasp, taking in the brightly colored decorations transforming our usually drab gym into a place of magic.
“Let’s get a photo together,” Levi says as he pulls me toward one of the four photo booths already set up.
“Like we haven’t had enough.” I laugh, referring to the scene with Mom as Levi leads me to a booth.
We spend a few moments taking pictures, and head over to where our friends are sitting.
“Hey,” Jordan sings out as she stands and gives me a hug. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks, Jordan, but your dress is killer! Crap, check out how low that V is.” I point to where the point of the V stops, inches above her navel. Jordan is one of my best friends. There are four of us in our group; Jordan, Lindsey, Mariah, and me. We’re incredibly close, and have no secrets between us.
Drowning Page 28