The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club, v. 1 (of 2)

by Charles Dickens

  CHAPTER XXV

  _Showing, among a variety of Pleasant Matters, how Majestic and Impartial Mr. Nupkins was, and how Mr. Weller returned Mr. Job Trotter's Shuttlecock as heavily as it came. With another Matter, which will be found in its Place_

  Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was borne along; numerouswere the allusions to the personal appearance and demeanour of Mr.Grummer and his companion; and valorous were the defiances to any sixof the gentlemen present; in which he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr.Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the torrentof eloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedan-chair,and the rapid course of which not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreatiesto have the lid of the vehicle closed, were able to check for aninstant. But Mr. Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity whenthe procession turned down the identical court-yard in which he hadmet with the runaway Job Trotter: and curiosity was exchanged for afeeling of the most gleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr.Grummer, commanding the sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignifiedand portentous steps to the very green gate from which Job Trotter hademerged, and gave a mighty pull at the bell-handle which hung at theside thereof. The ring was answered by a very smart and pretty-facedservant-girl, who, after holding up her hands in astonishment at therebellious appearance of the prisoners, and the impassioned language ofMr. Pickwick, summoned Mr. Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of thecarriage gate, to admit the sedan, the captured ones, and the specials;and immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob, who, indignantat being excluded, and anxious to see what followed, relieved theirfeelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell, for an hour ortwo afterwards. In this amusement they all took part by turns, exceptthree or four fortunate individuals, who, having discovered a gratingin the gate which commanded a view of nothing, stared through it withthe indefatigable perseverance with which people will flatten theirnoses against the front windows of a chemist's shop, when a drunkenman, who has been run over by a dog-cart in the street, is undergoing asurgical inspection in the back-parlour.

  At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, whichwas guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, thesedan-chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conductedinto the hall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle,and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered into the worshipfulpresence of that public-spirited officer.

  The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror tothe hearts of culprits, and to impress them with an adequate idea ofthe stern majesty of the law. In front of a big book-case, in a bigchair, behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins,looking a full size larger than any one of them, big as they were.The table was adorned with piles of papers: and above the further endof it, appeared the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busilyengaged in looking as busy as possible. The party having all entered,Muzzle carefully closed the door, and placed himself behind hismaster's chair to await his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back,with thrilling solemnity, and scrutinised the faces of his unwillingvisitors.

  "Now, Grummer, who is that person?" said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr.Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand,bowing with the utmost politeness and respect.

  "This here's Pickvick, your wash-up," said Grummer.

  "Come, none o' that 'ere, old Strike-a-light," interposed Mr. Weller,elbowing himself into the front rank. "Beg your pardon, sir, butthis here officer o' yourn in the gambooge tops, 'ull never earn adecent livin' as a master o' the ceremonies any vere. This here,sir," continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressingthe magistrate with pleasant familiarity, "this here is S. Pickvick,Esquire; this here's Mr. Tupman; that 'ere's Mr. Snodgrass; and furderon, next him on the t'other side, Mr. Winkle--all wery nice gen'l'm'n,sir, as you'll be wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooneryou commits these here officers o' yourn to the tread-mill for a monthor two, the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding.Business first, pleasure afterwards, as King Richard the Third saidwen he stabbed the t'other king in the Tower, afore he smothered thebabbies."

  At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat withhis right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard himthroughout, with unspeakable awe.

  "Who is this man, Grummer?" said the magistrate.

  "Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your wash-up," replied Grummer. "Heattempted to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so wetook him into custody, and brought him here."

  "You did quite right," replied the magistrate. "He is evidently adesperate ruffian."

  "He is my servant, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, angrily.

  "Oh! he is your servant, is he?" said Mr. Nupkins. "A conspiracyto defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick'sservant. Put that down, Mr. Jinks."

  Mr. Jinks did so.

  "What's your name, fellow?" thundered Mr. Nupkins.

  "Veller," replied Sam.

  "A very good name for the Newgate Calendar," said Mr. Nupkins.

  This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, andMuzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes' duration.

  "Put down his name, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate.

  "Two L's, old feller," said Sam.

  Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistratethreatened to commit him, instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laughat the wrong man, in these cases.

  "Where do you live?" said the magistrate.

  "Vare-ever I can," replied Sam.

  "Put down that, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, who was fast risinginto a rage.

  "Score it under," said Sam.

  "He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate. "He is a vagabondon his own statement; is he not, Mr. Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir."

  "Then I'll commit him. I'll commit him as such," said Mr. Nupkins.

  "This is a wery impartial country for justice," said Sam. "There ain'ta magistrate goin' as don't commit himself, twice as often as hecommits other people."

  At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look sosupernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately.

  "Grummer," said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, "how dare youselect such an inefficient and disreputable person for a specialconstable, as that man? How dare you do it, sir?"

  "I am very sorry, your wash-up," stammered Grummer.

  "Very sorry!" said the furious magistrate. "You shall repent of thisneglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Takethat fellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow."

  "I am not drunk, your worship," said the man.

  "You _are_ drunk," returned the magistrate. "How dare you say youare not drunk, sir, when I say you are? Doesn't he smell of spirits,Grummer?"

  "Horrid, your wash-up," replied Grummer, who had a vague impressionthat there was a smell of rum somewhere.

  "I knew he did," said Mr. Nupkins. "I saw he was drunk when he firstcame into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excitedeye, Mr. Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir."

  "I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning," said the man, whowas as sober a fellow as need be.

  "How dare you tell me a falsehood?" said Mr. Nupkins. "Isn't he drunkat this moment, Mr. Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir," replied Jinks.

  "Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, "I shall commit that man, forcontempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks."

  And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was themagistrate's adviser (having had a legal education of three years in acountry attorney's office), whispered the magistrate that he thoughtit wouldn't do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that inconsideration of the special's family, he would merely reprimand anddischarge him. Accordingly, the special was abused vehemently, for aquarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley,Muzzle, and all the other special
s murmured their admiration of themagnanimity of Mr. Nupkins.

  "Now, Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, "swear Grummer."

  Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkin'sdinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by puttingleading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in theaffirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smoothand comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and athreat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When allthis was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr.Jinks consulted in whispers.

  The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired tohis end of the table; and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough,drew himself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence hisaddress, when Mr. Pickwick interposed.

  "I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you," said Mr. Pickwick, "butbefore you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion you may haveformed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim myright to be heard so far as I am personally concerned."

  "Hold your tongue, sir," said the magistrate, peremptorily.

  "I must submit to you, sir," said Mr. Pickwick.

  "Hold your tongue, sir," interposed the magistrate, "or I shall orderan officer to remove you."

  "You may order your officers to do whatever you please, sir," said Mr.Pickwick; "and I have no doubt, from the specimen I have had of thesubordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, theywill execute, sir; but I shall take the liberty, sir, of claiming myright to be heard, until I am removed by force."

  "Pickvick and principle!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice.

  "Sam, be quiet," said Mr. Pickwick.

  "Dumb as a drum with a hole in it, sir," replied Sam.

  Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment,at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was apparently about toreturn a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve,and whispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returneda half-audible answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks wasevidently remonstrating.

  At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, hisdisinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and saidsharply: "What do you want to say?"

  "First," said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles,under which even Nupkins quailed. "First, I wish to know what I and myfriend have been brought here for?"

  "Must I tell him?" whispered the magistrate to Jinks.

  "I think you had better, sir," whispered Jinks to the magistrate.

  "An information has been sworn before me," said the magistrate, "thatit is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the otherman, Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir."

  "Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that's the course, Mr.Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir."

  "To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?" said the magistrate, pettishly.

  "To find bail, sir."

  "Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say, when Iwas interrupted by my clerk--to find bail."

  "Good bail," whispered Mr. Jinks.

  "I shall require good bail," said the magistrate.

  "Town's-people," whispered Jinks.

  "They must be town's-people," said the magistrate.

  "Fifty pounds each," whispered Jinks, "and householders, of course."

  "I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each," said themagistrate aloud, with great dignity, "and they must be householders,of course."

  "But, bless my heart, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr.Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; "we are perfect strangersin the town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as Ihave intention of fighting a duel with anybody."

  "I dare say," replied the magistrate, "I dare say--don't you, Mr.Jinks?"

  "Certainly, sir."

  "Have you anything more to say?" inquired the magistrate.

  Mr. Pickwick _had_ a great deal more to say, which he would no doubthave said, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate'ssatisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, beenpulled by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediatelyengaged in so earnest a conversation, that he suffered the magistrate'sinquiry to pass wholly unnoticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to aska question of the kind twice over; and so, with another preparatorycough, he proceeded, amidst the reverential and admiring silence of theconstables, to pronounce his decision.

  He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault, and threepounds for the second. He should fine Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrassone pound, besides requiring them to enter into their own recognisancesto keep the peace towards all his Majesty's subjects, and especiallytowards his liege servant, Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he hadalready held to bail.

  Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, with asmile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance, stepped forward,and said:

  "I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes'private conversation with him, on a matter of deep importance tohimself?"

  "What?" said the magistrate.

  Mr. Pickwick repeated his request.

  "This is a most extraordinary request," said the magistrate. "A privateinterview?"

  "A private interview," replied Mr. Pickwick, firmly; "only, as a partof the information which I wish to communicate is derived from myservant, I should wish him to be present."

  The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate;the officers looked at each other in amazement. Mr. Nupkins turnedsuddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, havedivulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? It was adreadful thought. He was a public man: and he turned paler, as hethought of Julius C?sar and Mr. Perceval.

  The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned Mr. Jinks.

  "What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?" murmured Mr. Nupkins.

  Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and was afraidhe might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious fashion, and, screwingup the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side.

  "Mr. Jinks," said the magistrate, gravely, "you are an ass."

  At this little expression of opinion Mr. Jinks smiled again--rathermore feebly than before--and edged himself, by degrees, back into hisown corner.

  Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds, andthen, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam tofollow him, led the way into a small room which opened into the justiceparlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the littleapartment, and holding his hand upon the half-closed door, that hemight be able to effect an immediate escape in case there was theleast tendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed hisreadiness to hear the communication, whatever it might be.

  "I will come to the point at once, sir," said Mr. Pickwick; "it affectsyourself, and your credit, materially. I have every reason to believe,sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!"

  "Two," interrupted Sam, "Mulberry agin all natur, for tears andwillainy!"

  "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, "if I am to render myself intelligible tothis gentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings."

  "Wery sorry, sir," replied Mr. Weller; "but when I think o' that 'ereJob, I can't help opening the walve a inch or two."

  "In one word, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, "is my servant right insuspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit ofvisiting here? Because," added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupkinswas about to offer a very indignant interruption, "because, if he be, Iknow that person to be a----"

  "Hush, hush!" said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. "Know him to be what,sir?"

  "An unprincipled adventurer--a dishonourable character--a man who preysupon society,
and makes easily-deceived people his dupes, sir; hisabsurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, sir," said the excited Mr.Pickwick.

  "Dear me," said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his wholemanner directly. "Dear me, Mr. ----"

  "Pickvick," said Sam.

  "Pickwick," said the magistrate, "dear me, Mr. Pickwick--pray take aseat--you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall?"

  "Don't call him a cap'en," said Sam, "nor Fitz-Marshall neither; heain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling actor, he is, and hisname's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, thatere Job Trotter's him."

  "It is very true, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate'slook of amazement; "my only business in this town, is to expose theperson of whom we now speak."

  Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear of Mr.Nupkins, an abridged account of Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He related howhe had first met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; how he hadcheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration; how he hadentrapped himself into a lady's boarding-school at midnight; and howhe (Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of hispresent name and rank.

  As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of Mr.Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He had picked upthe captain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmed with his longlist of aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel, and hisfashionable demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had exhibitedCaptain Fitz-Marshall, and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurledCaptain Fitz-Marshall at the devoted heads of their select circleof acquaintance, until their bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and theMiss Porkenhams, and Mr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst withjealousy and despair. And now, to hear, after all, that he was a needyadventurer, a strolling player, and if not a swindler, something sovery like it, that it was hard to tell the difference! Heavens! Whatwould the Porkenhams say! What would be the triumph of Mr. SidneyPorkenham when he found that his addresses had been slighted for sucha rival! How should he, Nupkins, meet the eye of old Porkenham at thenext Quarter Sessions! And what a handle would it be for the oppositionmagisterial party, if the story got abroad!

  "But after all," said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, after along pause; "after all, this is a mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshallis a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many enemies.What proof have you of the truth of these representations?"

  "Confront me with him," said Mr. Pickwick, "that is all I ask, and allI require. Confront him with me and my friends here; you will want nofurther proof."

  "Why," said Mr. Nupkins, "that might be very easily done, for he willbe here to-night, and then there would be no occasion to make thematter public, just--just--for the young man's own sake, you know.I--I--should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the propriety of the step,in the first instance, though. At all events, Mr. Pickwick, we mustdespatch this legal business before we can do anything else. Pray stepback into the next room."

  Into the next room they went.

  "Grummer," said the magistrate, in an awful voice.

  "Your wash-up," replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite.

  "Come, come, sir," said the magistrate, sternly, "don't let me see anyof this levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure you thatyou have very little to smile at. Was the account you gave me just nowstrictly true? Now be careful, sir!"

  "Your wash-up," stammered Grummer, "I----"

  "Oh, you are confused, are you?" said the magistrate. "Mr. Jinks, youobserve this confusion?"

  "Certainly, sir," replied Jinks.

  "Now," said the magistrate, "repeat your statement, Grummer, and againI warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his words down."

  The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint, but, whatbetween Mr. Jinks taking down his words, and the magistrate's takingthem up; his natural tendency to rambling, and his extreme confusion;he managed to get involved, in something under three minutes, insuch a mass of entanglement and contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins atonce declared he didn't believe him. So the fines were remitted, andMr. Jinks found a couple of bail in no time. And all these solemnproceedings having been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer wasignominiously ordered out--an awful instance of the instability ofhuman greatness, and the uncertain tenure of great men's favour.

  Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a lightbrown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed all her mamma's haughtiness withoutthe turban, and all her ill-nature without the wig; and whenever theexercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughterin some unpleasant dilemma, as they not unfrequently did, they bothconcurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins.Accordingly, when Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed thecommunication which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkinssuddenly recollected that she had always expected something of thekind; that she had always said it would be so; that her advice wasnever taken; that she really did not know what Mr. Nupkins supposed shewas; and so forth.

  "The idea!" said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scantyproportions into the corner of each eye; "the idea of my being madesuch a fool of!"

  "Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear," said Mrs. Nupkins; "how haveI implored and begged that man to inquire into the Captain's familyconnections; how have I urged and entreated him to take some decisivestep! I am quite certain nobody would believe it--quite."

  "But, my dear," said Mr. Nupkins.

  "Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!" said Mrs. Nupkins.

  "My love," said Mr. Nupkins, "you professed yourself very fond ofCaptain Fitz-Marshall. You have constantly asked him here, my dear, andyou have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere."

  "Didn't I say so, Henrietta?" cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to herdaughter, with the air of a much-injured female. "Didn't I say thatyour papa would turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I sayso?" Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed.

  "Oh pa!" remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here she sobbed too.

  "Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and ridiculeupon us, to taunt _me_ with being the cause of it?" exclaimed Mrs.Nupkins.

  "How can we ever show ourselves in society!" said Miss Nupkins.

  "How can we face the Porkenhams!" cried Mrs. Nupkins.

  "Or the Griggs's!" cried Miss Nupkins.

  "Or the Slummintowkens!" cried Mrs. Nupkins. "But what does your papacare! What is it to _him_!" At this dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkinswept with mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins followed on the same side.

  Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great velocity,until she had gained a little time to think the matter over: when shedecided, in her own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr.Pickwick and his friends to remain until the Captain's arrival, andthen to give Mr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it appearedthat he had spoken truly, the Captain could be turned out of the housewithout noising the matter abroad, and they could easily account to thePorkenhams for his disappearance, by saying that he had been appointed,through the Court influence of his family, to the Governor-Generalshipof Sierra Leone, or Saugur Point, or any other of those salubriousclimates which enchant Europeans so much that when they once get there,they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again.

  When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up _hers_,and Mr. Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkinshad proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off allmarks of their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies, and soonafterwards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate withhis peculiar sagacity had discovered in half an hour to be one of thefinest fellows alive, was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr.Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below, and make much ofhim.

  "How de do, sir?" said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down thekitchen stairs.

  "Why, no con-siderable change has taken place in the
state of mysystem, since I see you cocked up behind your governor's chair in theparlour, a little vile ago," replied Sam.

  "You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then," said Mr.Muzzle. "You see, master hadn't introduced us, then. Lord, how fond heis of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure!"

  "Ah," said Sam, "what a pleasant chap he is!"

  "Ain't he?" replied Mr. Muzzle.

  "So much humour," said Sam.

  "And such a man to speak," said Mr. Muzzle. "How his ideas flow, don'tthey?"

  "Wonderful," replied Sam; "they comes a pouring out, knocking eachother's heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; you hardlyknow what he's arter, do you?"

  "That's the great merit of his style of speaking," rejoined Mr. Muzzle."Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash yourhands, sir, before we join the ladies? Here's a sink, with the waterlaid on, sir, and a clean jack-towel behind the door."

  "Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse," replied Mr. Weller, applyingplenty of yellow soap to the towel, and rubbing away, till his faceshone again. "How many ladies are there?"

  "Only two in our kitchen," said Mr. Muzzle, "cook and 'ousemaid. Wekeep a boy to do the dirty work, and a gal besides, but they dine inthe washus."

  "Oh, they dines in the washus, do they?" said Mr. Weller.

  "Yes," replied Mr. Muzzle; "we tried 'em at our table when they firstcome, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's manners is dreadful vulgar;and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we found itimpossible to sit at table with him."

  "Young grampus!" said Mr. Weller.

  "Oh, dreadful," rejoined Mr. Muzzle; "but that is the worst of countryservice, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always so very savage. This way,sir, if you please; this way."

  Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conductedhim into the kitchen.

  "Mary," said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant-girl, "this is Mr.Weller: a gentleman as master has sent down, to be made as comfortableas possible."

  "And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the rightplace," said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at Mary. "If Iwos master o' this here house, I should alvays find the materials forcomfort vere Mary wos."

  "Lor, Mr. Weller!" said Mary, blushing.

  "Well, I never!" ejaculated the cook.

  "Bless me, cook, I forgot you," said Mr. Muzzle. "Mr. Weller, let meintroduce you."

  "How are you, ma'am?" said Mr. Weller. "Wery glad to see you, indeed,and hope our acquaintance may be a long 'un, as the gen'lm'n said tothe fi'-pun' note."

  When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook andMary retired into the back kitchen to titter, for ten minutes; thenreturning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner.

  Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had suchirresistible influence with his new friends, that before the dinner washalf over they were on a footing of perfect intimacy and in possessionof a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter.

  "I never could a-bear that Job," said Mary.

  "No more you never ought to, my dear," replied Mr. Weller.

  "Why not?" inquired Mary.

  "Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar vith eleganceand wirtew," replied Mr. Weller. "Ought they, Mr. Muzzle?"

  "Not by no means," replied that gentleman.

  Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the cooklaughed, and said she hadn't.

  "I han't got a glass," said Mary.

  "Drink with me, my dear," said Mr. Weller. "Put your lips to this heretumbler, and then I can kiss you by deputy."

  "For shame, Mr. Weller!" said Mary.

  "What's a shame, my dear?"

  "Talkin' in that way."

  "Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, cook?"

  "Don't ask me, imperence," replied the cook, in a high state ofdelight: and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again, till whatbetween the beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter combined, thelatter young lady was brought to the verge of choking--an alarmingcrisis from which she was only recovered by sundry pats on the back,and other necessary attentions, most delicately administered by Mr.Samuel Weller.

  In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring washeard at the garden-gate: to which the young gentleman who took hismeals in the wash-house immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in theheight of his attentions to the pretty housemaid; Mr. Muzzle wasbusy doing the honours of the table; and the cook had just paused tolaugh, in the very act of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when thekitchen-door opened, and in walked Mr. Job Trotter.

  We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is notdistinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to facts. The dooropened and Mr. Trotter appeared. He _would_ have walked in, and was inthe very act of doing so, indeed, when catching sight of Mr. Weller,he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two, and stood gazing on theunexpected scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazement andterror.

  "Here he is!" said Sam, rising with great glee. "Why, we were that werymoment a speaking o' you. How are you? Where _have_ you been? Come in."

  Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr.Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and locking the door, handed thekey to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a side-pocket.

  "Well, here's a game!" cried Sam. "Only think o' my master havin' thepleasure o' meeting your'n, up-stairs, and me havin' the joy o' meetin'you down here. How _are_ you gettin' on, and how _is_ the chandlerybis'ness likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy youlook. It's quite a treat to see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?"

  "Quite," said Mr. Muzzle.

  "So cheerful he is!" said Sam.

  "In such good spirits!" said Muzzle.

  "And so glad to see _us_--that makes it so much more comfortable," saidSam. "Sit down; sit down."

  Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside.He cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, and then on Mr. Muzzle,but said nothing.

  "Well, now," said Sam, "afore these here ladies, I should jest like toask you, as a sort of curiosity, wether you don't con-sider yourselfas nice and well-behaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used a pink checkpocket-handkerchief, and the number four collection?"

  "And as was ever a-going to be married to a cook," said that ladyindignantly, "the willin!"

  "And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery line,arterwards," said the housemaid.

  "Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man," said Mr. Muzzle, solemnly,enraged at the last two allusions, "this here lady (pointing to thecook) keeps company with me; and when you presume, sir, to talkof keeping chandlers' shops with her, you injure me in one of themost delicatest points in which one man can injure another. Do youunderstand me, sir?"

  Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in which heimitated his master, paused for a reply.

  But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemnmanner:

  "It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted up-stairsfor several minutes, sir, because _my_ master is at this momentparticularly engaged in settling the hash of _your_ master, sir; andtherefore you'll have leisure, sir, for a little private talk with me,sir. Do you understand me, sir?"

  Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter disappointedhim.

  "Well, then," said Mr. Muzzle, "I'm very sorry to have to explainmyself before ladies, but the urgency of the case will be my excuse.The back kitchen's empty, sir. If you will step in there, sir, Mr.Weller will see fair, and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bellrings. Follow me, sir!"

  As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards thedoor: and by way of saving time, began to pull off his coat as hewalked along.

  Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperatechallenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into execution, than sheuttered a loud and piercing shriek
, and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, whorose from his chair on the instant, tore and buffeted his large flatface, with an energy peculiar to excited females, and twining her handsin his long black hair, tore therefrom about enough to make five or sixdozen of the very largest-sized mourning-rings. Having accomplishedthis feat with all the ardour which her devoted love for Mr. Muzzleinspired, she staggered back; and being a lady of very excitable anddelicate feelings, she instantly fell under the dresser, and faintedaway.

  At this moment, the bell rang.

  "That's for you, Job Trotter," said Sam; and before Mr. Trotter couldoffer remonstrance or reply--even before he had time to staunch thewounds inflicted by the insensible lady--Sam seized one arm and Mr.Muzzle the other; and one pulling before, and the other pushing behind,they conveyed him up-stairs, and into the parlour.

  It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Esquire, _alias_ CaptainFitz-Marshall, was standing near the door with his hat in his hand, anda smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation.Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who had evidently been inculcatingsome high moral lesson; for his left hand was beneath his coat tail,and his right extended in air, as was his wont when delivering himselfof an impressive address. At a little distance stood Mr. Tupman withindignant countenance, carefully held back by his two younger friends;at the further end of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and MissNupkins, gloomily grand, and savagely vexed.

  "What prevents me," said Mr. Nupkins, with magisterial dignity, as Jobwas brought in: "what prevents me from detaining these men as roguesand impostors? It is a foolish mercy. What prevents me?"

  "Pride, old fellow, pride," replied Jingle, quite at his ease."Wouldn't do--no go--caught a captain, eh?--ha! ha! very good--husbandfor daughter--biter bit--make it public--not for worlds--lookstupid--very!"

  "Wretch," said Mrs. Nupkins, "we scorn your base insinuations."

  "I always hated him," added Henrietta.

  "Oh, of course," said Jingle. "Tall young man--old lover--SidneyPorkenham--rich--fine fellow--not so rich as captain, though?--turnhim away--off with him--anything for captain--nothing like captainanywhere--all the girls--raving mad--eh, Job?"

  Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, rubbing his hands withdelight, uttered the first sound he had given vent to since he enteredthe house--a low noiseless chuckle, which seemed to intimate that heenjoyed his laugh too much, to let any of it escape in sound.

  "Mr. Nupkins," said the elder lady, "this is not a fit conversation forthe servants to overhear. Let these wretches be removed."

  "Certainly, my dear," said Mr. Nupkins. "Muzzle!"

  "Your worship."

  "Open the front door."

  "Yes, your worship."

  "Leave the house!" said Mr. Nupkins, waving his hand emphatically.

  Jingle smiled, and moved towards the door.

  "Stay!" said Mr. Pickwick.

  Jingle stopped.

  "I might," said Mr. Pickwick, "have taken a much greater revenge forthe treatment I have experienced at your hands, and that of yourhypocritical friend there."

  Job Trotter bowed with great politeness, and laid his hand upon hisheart.

  "I say," said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, "that I might havetaken a greater revenge, but I content myself with exposing you, whichI consider a duty I owe to society. This is a leniency, sir, which Ihope you will remember."

  When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job Trotter, with facetiousgravity, applied his hand to his ear, as if not desirous to lose asyllable he uttered.

  "And I have only to add, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly angry,"that I consider you a rascal, and a--a ruffian--and--and worse thanany man I ever saw, or heard of, except that pious and sanctifiedvagabond in the mulberry livery."

  "Ha! ha!" said Jingle, "good fellow, Pickwick--fine heart--stout oldboy--but must not be passionate--bad thing, very--bye-bye--see youagain some day--keep up your spirits--now, Job--trot!"

  With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in the old fashion,and strode out of the room. Job Trotter paused, looked round, smiled,and then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick, and a wink toMr. Weller, the audacious slyness of which baffles all description,followed the footsteps of his hopeful master.

  "Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Weller was following.

  "Sir?"

  "Stay here."

  Mr. Weller seemed uncertain.

  "Stay here," repeated Mr. Pickwick.

  "Mayn't I polish that ere Job off, in the front garden?" said Mr.Weller.

  "Certainly not," replied Mr. Pickwick.

  "Mayn't I kick him out of the gate, sir?" said Mr. Weller.

  "Not on any account," replied his master.

  For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked, for amoment, discontented and unhappy. But his countenance immediatelycleared up; for the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing himself behind thestreet door, and rushing violently out, at the right instant, contrivedwith great dexterity to overturn both Mr. Jingle and his attendant,down the flight of steps, into the American aloe tubs that stoodbeneath.

  "Having discharged my duty, sir," said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Nupkins,"I will, with my friends, bid you farewell. While we thank you forsuch hospitality as we have received, permit me to assure you in ourjoint names, that we should not have accepted it, or have consented toextricate ourselves in this way, from our previous dilemma, had we notbeen impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to London to-morrow.Your secret is safe with us."

  Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of themorning, Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies, and notwithstanding thesolicitations of the family, left the room with his friends.

  "Get your hat, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick.

  "It's below stairs, sir," said Sam, and he ran down after it.

  Now, there was nobody in the kitchen but the pretty housemaid; and asSam's hat was mislaid, he had to look for it; and the pretty housemaidlighted him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. Thepretty housemaid, in her anxiety to find it, went down on her knees,and turned over all the things that were heaped together in a littlecorner by the door. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't get at itwithout shutting the door first.

  "Here it is," said the pretty housemaid. "This is it, ain't it?"

  "Let me look," said Sam.

  "_You don't mean to say you did that on purpose?_"]

  The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor; as it gave avery dim light, Sam was obliged to go down on _his_ knees before hecould see whether it really was his own hat or not. It was a remarkablysmall corner, and so--it was nobody's fault but the man's who builtthe house--Sam and the pretty housemaid were necessarily very closetogether.

  "Yes, this is it," said Sam. "Good-bye!"

  "Good-bye!" said the pretty housemaid.

  "Good-bye!" said Sam; and as he said it, he dropped the hat that hadcost so much trouble in looking for.

  "How awkward you are," said the pretty housemaid. "You'll lose itagain, if you don't take care."

  So, just to prevent his losing it again, she put it on for him.

  Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked prettier still,when it was raised towards Sam's, or whether it was the accidentalconsequence of their being so near to each other, is matter ofuncertainty to this day; but Sam kissed her.

  "You don't mean to say you did that on purpose?" said the prettyhousemaid, blushing.

  "No, I didn't then," said Sam; "but I will now."

  So he kissed her again.

  "Sam!" said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the banisters.

  "Coming, sir," replied Sam, running up stairs.

  "How long you have been!" said Mr. Pickwick.

  "There was something behind the door, sir, which perwented our gettingit open, for ever so long, sir," replied Sam.

  And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first love.