Pudgy and Precocious - The World of Baby LeRoy
Page 5
back on what most babies do when they're upset: cry and bawl till the adults go crazy − that'd sure be just payback in this case!
Hey, but Mom and Dad aren't home... Suppose María did go crazy, and really did put that plastic bag over my head! Nope, better keep quiet. Besides, am I gonna give her the pleasure of knowin' she destroyed my life? No way, José!
12:48:11 PM I chide myself for bein' such a fool: Why didn't I think of this sooner? I'll just fall back on my favorite technique for forgettin' my misery: I'll go to Dreamland!
12:48:35 PM I decide I'm even a greater fool than I had thought: if I go to sleep now, María will think I'm takin' my early afternoon nap, more or less on schedule, which is what she wanted in the first place. I will not give her that satisfaction. Nope! She may have turned off my laptop while still laughin' in my face, but the good thing about computers is, you can always turn 'em back on.
12:49:59 PM My laptop is up and runnin' again, and I decide to drown my sorrows. No, not with liquor − I'm much too young for that. Instead, I'll drown 'em by writin' about it. Then I'll include it in my book, so that all of you can see how I'm bein' treated.
I'll tell ya, if you can't trust a hired shapely Mexican nanny to treat you with a little respect, then this world is in worse shape than even those guys at Fox News think! (Remind me to write to O'Reilly and give him my two cents' worth.)
So there it is: the whole mournful tale. Every word of it true. Sorry if it made you cry − that wasn't my intention. I just wanna get a little sympathy, that's all.
Okay, if ya want the whole truth, I'm secretly hopin' that by puttin' this in my book, some other shapely Mexican nanny might see it, fall in love with my picture, offer to marry me, convince my parents to get rid of María, take her place here at home, and make my life worth livin' again.
Nothin' wrong with dreamin', is there? Which reminds me... gotta take my mid-afternoon nap. Bye!
Some people may like to see chubby little cupids dancin' around merrily as if they didn't have a care in the world, but the truth is, scenes like this make me sick! I guess I'm just envious because I don't have much to be merry about today, and I couldn't dance around even if I wanted to, since I can't walk yet.
In Praise of TV: The perfect Babysitter!
You know, some parents are real dumb. They believe that if you have a baby, you gotta spend a lotta time with him, tryin' to entertain him, talk to him, and in general, to bother the heck outta him till he's ready for his next nap. And to top it off, such parents act like this not because it's fun for them, but because they think it's some kinda duty. In fact, they'd much rather be in some other room, readin', talkin' to each other, or doin' whatever else parents do when we kids aren't hoggin' their time.
What they haven't learned yet is that the answer lies in that wondrous machine that graces every living room in our God-blessed land: I mean the TV set, of course!
Listen, parents, I don't care how much you try to make funny faces to get me to laugh, the truth is, nothin' you could do will ever be as funny as a single episode of an old "Benny Hill" rerun. Do you really think that that "gitchie-gitchie goo!" nonsense you stammer as you tickle my chin will ever make me laugh as much as hearin' Benny make some of his clever, double-meaninged insinuations to a shapely dancing girl, and in a French accent at that? Now, that is funny!
And about those fairy tales you tell me, to entertain me before I go to bed: I don't care what kinda stories you tell me, no tale of yours will ever come even close to bein' as excitin' as a good episode of 24!
Okay, I know, a lot of you parents feel that such shows aren't "appropriate" for us little ones. But let's get real for a minute: some day, before ya know it, Yours Truly, and other babies as well, are gonna be teens, then young adults, and we're gonna be out in the world, facin' eveything it throws in our path. So why not get ready for it as soon as possible?
After all, in reality, terrorists are lurkin' all over the place, just waitin' to do some evil mischief, and that's just what shows like "24" show us plain as day.
And men do love to flirt with beautiful dancing girls, so isn't Benny Hill just givin' us another glimpse of reality, as well as trainin' us to socialize with dancing girls when we get big?
Of course, there are also those shows that parents actually want kids to watch, like Sesame Street, and I'll admit it's not bad, even though I sometimes wish some homeless person would come along, wring that Big Bird's neck and roast him for Thanksgivin' dinner, if only to bring a little action and tragedy into the show! (Not to mention the fascinatin' ethical questions such a plot would evoke, such as: "Does a poor, hungry, homeless person who doesn't have the bucks to buy a turkey have the right to wring a big bird's neck and eat him for Thanksgiving Dinner?")
In any case, what I'm tryin' to get across here to all you parents out there is that TV is indeed the perfect babysitter: put on a good show, and your brat'll stop bawlin' in no time. He'll settle down, get engrossed in some dumb show, and you won't hear a peep outta him till the evening news comes on.
And imagine all the new words he'll learn! True, some of 'em shouldn't be repeated here, but there can't be much wrong with expandin' your little one's vocabulary, for after all, even dirty words are words, and without words, your kid'll never learn to express himself.
Oh, and a request: make sure you have at least two TVs in the house, one for you moms to watch your dumb soap operas, and another so that we babies can watch the old Benny Hill reruns.
By the way, moms: I guarantee you that your husbands would also love watchin' Benny Hill, so if you wanna get in good with your spouse and your baby, buy some Benny Hill DVDs today!
Shameless Beggar's Corner
Yeah, it's me, Baby LeRoy, reduced to beggin'n, believe it or not - and lovin' it!
After all, it is for a good cause. You see, the reason why I'm askin' you for money is because there are millions of poor people worldwide, and many of 'em are starvin' to death. That sure doesn't include me, 'cause as you can see in my pictures, I'd be more likely to croak due to overeating rather than undereating. But seriously, now: there is a fantastic charity that dedicates itself to feedin' needy people in many countries. And if you look into it, you'll see that this organization is always given high ratings by those "watchdogs" who are always on the lookout for crooks. Don't believe me? Then go to
"Action against Hunger". And maybe you'll also want to have a look at "Charitynavigator"
There, you will not only see that "Action against Hunger" is a serious outfit: you can also download the relevant IRS forms, so that you can deduct your donation from those "exorbitantly high taxes" (as Dad says) that you are probably payin' every year.
So do a good deed: Donate! ...to earn yourself a good spot in Heaven ...to make other people think you aren't such a rat after all ...to make yourself feel good...yeah, OK, those are all fine reasons. But do it mainly to help save lives!!!
Don't be a tight-wad: bring a smile to a baby's face (mine, of course), by goin' to www.actionagainsthunger.org, and sendin' 'em a little money today!
Gettin' in the last Word...or two!
Gee, it's really been fun tellin' ya all about me, and my life. As boring as it is sittin' or lyin' around in a crib or a playpen all the livelong day, the thought of havin' a bunch of you big people out there in the world share my ennui (fancy French word for "boredom") sure makes my burden a lot easier to bear!
Now, before you close this eBook and go back to your own borin' activities, lemme give you a valuable tip about how you can find other great eBooks − some that'll delight you, and others that'll teach you all kinds of cool things. Oh, and some of 'em are totally free! Ready? OK, here goes....
Visit the site www.dboltoncreations.com right now, and check out the books! And when you get there...
Author's Bio
David Bolton is a writer, teacher, speaker, musician, actor and astrologer. His interests include history, psychology, politics, philosophy, quantum physics, cla
ssical music, hypnosis, and all areas related to self-improvement.
David is the author of many books, all of which can be seen at his site, www.dboltoncreations.com. Here are a few of them...
"Language Learning - Outside the Box!". A follow-up volume to the popular free eBook "Secrets of Successful Language Learning", ""Language Learning - Outside the Box!" goes much further in presenting excellent, and eminently practical advice on how anyone can learn another language as quickly, and effectively as possible - and above all, with a minimum of financial investment!
"Understanding Astrology" Free at www.dboltoncreations.com
This eBook gives concise, yet complete explanations of all the essential areas of Natal Chart interpretation: the signs, houses, planets and aspects, and then gives a concrete example of how to combine these factors during the process of chart interpretation. In addition to the book, you can also download a demo version of "Omnicycles" software. Even the free demo will let you calculate an unlimited number of Natal Charts, and print them out if desired. It is thus the ideal companion to the "Understanding Astrology" eBook.
"Six ridiculously Simple, yet amazingly Powerful Techniques that will help You to Lose Weight
The key to weight loss is forming the right mindset - a new way of seeing yourself that will automatically get you to shed pounds,