He grinned. “It’s that serious?”
“It is.”
The way I said it, the way I looked at him made him nod, made him stand, made him go into his closet and then come back wrapped in his bathrobe.
He’d done that much too quickly, not giving me enough time to come up with a story that would portray what I had to tell my husband in a brighter light. Now, I’d be forced to just go with the straight truth.
When Hosea sat back down, I took a breath. When he reached for my hands, I was so grateful.
He said, “This is a safe place, Jasmine. You know that.”
I did. That was one thing that I knew for sure with Hosea Bush. Through the years, he’d shown me nothing but unconditional love, even through our trials. And so I had no fear sharing this, it wasn’t something that would drive him away — especially since it was twenty years ago.
Still, I hated revealing who I used to be to Hosea. He knew that I’d been a liar, he knew that I’d been an adulterer (though he only knew about Brian. I hadn’t given him the slew of married men I’d been with). And then, there was the ultimate sin — I’d tried to pass off Jacqueline as his daughter. But all of that had been not only forgiven, but forgotten. Now, I tried my best to live up to what Hosea saw in me.
But what I had to tell him was a reminder … of my old self.
I wasn’t going to prolong this pain, though. I needed to get this out as quickly as I could. “Before you met me, Hosea, I wasn’t the best person.”
“Well, to be honest, Darlin’, you had some challenges when we met, and after we got married, too.”
He spoke with a smile and his words were meant to add a bit of humor to make this easier. But I couldn’t even smile because the truth, even in jest, really hurt. Looking into my husband’s eyes, I said, “I need to tell you what happened with me and Kyla. I have to tell you why it’s a miracle that she’s even here in our apartment.” He took my hands as if he were trying to give me courage and like always, I was filled with so much love for this man who sat next to me and who stood by me always. “I was in a really bad place after my divorce from Kenny. It just seemed like there had never been anything good about my life. I know now, that wasn’t true, but I didn’t know it then.”
He nodded, another gesture to encourage me.
But it wasn’t enough; I needed more air, too, so I inhaled. “I coveted everything, Hosea, especially everything that my best friend had.”
“Kyla.”
I nodded. “I’d known her practically my whole life, she was like my other sister, really. In a way, I was closer to her than Serena because we were the same age. But the thing was, Kyla had everything. I’m telling you, she never even had a bad hair day in her life.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It’s not, but you couldn’t have told me that then. And once I divorced Kenny, her days seemed to get brighter. Her husband opened that clinic, her daughter was a star even when she was seven and eight, and Kyla didn’t have to work.” It bothered me a little that I remembered all the facts of that time so well. “A jealousy rose inside of me that I couldn’t have controlled, even if I understood it. It was weird, I loved Kyla, I really did. But I wanted what she had — even if I had to take it from her.”
He began nodding his head slowly like he knew where this story was going and the old me would have stopped right here. I would have found some reason not to go on. But because of who I really wanted to be, I continued, “That was when I did one of those things that now, looking back, makes me so ashamed.” I inhaled, then exhaled the truth, “I seduced her husband. I slept with Jefferson.”
Hosea was still bobbing his head and for a moment, I froze. Had I made a mistake? Till now, I’d been able to tell him anything, everything. But over the years, I’d revealed my past to him in a drip-drip-drip fashion. And maybe it had all become too much. Maybe he was finally drowning in my truth and it was now too much to bear.
The way he sat there, saying nothing, just nodding, I wanted to take those words back. Dang! Why had I told him anyway?
But then, he responded: he lifted his arms and wrapped me inside a hug that I didn’t know I needed until I rested my head on his shoulder.
My voice trembled when I said, “She’s never forgiven me and I don’t think that she ever will.”
He leaned back. “Did you ask for her forgiveness?”
“I did, but … there’s still this chasm between us, this break that no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to fix.”
“Well, Darlin’, she’s been here for what? It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. Give her some time. Yes, forgiveness is supposed to be instant, but you know, we ain’t the Lord, and some of us need time to work it out.”
I waited a beat. “So … you don’t think twenty years is enough?”
He chuckled. “And how much time would you need if someone had done that to you?”
That was a good question and I was glad that Hosea didn’t expect an answer because I would have had to tell him the truth. I would have had to tell him that forgiveness would never be an option if any woman stepped to him that way and that he and our kids would have to come to prison to minister to me.
He wrapped my hands inside of his once again. “You’ve done your part. You’ve asked for forgiveness and you’ve repented.” He paused and gave me kinda a side glance.“You have repented, right? You’re not going to sleep with your new best friend’s husband, are you?”
I rolled my eyes, not even going along with this little attempt at a joke. “My best friend is Mae Frances. She’s not married.” “Well, I don’t know what she’s doing down there in Smackover, talkin’ about that’s her summer place. Who has a summer place in Arkansas?”
When he said it like that, I couldn’t help but crack up.
He kept on, “In the last year, she’s spent more time down there, than she does here in New York.”
“That’s true,” I said through my laughter. “But how in the world did we start talking about Mae Frances?”
“I wanted to see you smile, Darlin’.” Then, his tone returned to his serious ministerial baritone.“I’m just sayin’, you’ve done all that you can do. The rest is on Kyla.”
“I just want to prove to her that I’ve changed.”
He shook his head. “The Bible doesn’t say anything about you having to prove yourself for forgiveness. Just be honest with her and be yourself. Beyond that, there’s nothing that you can do. God has to change her heart.”
I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should tell Hosea about the plan that was at the formulating stages in my mind. About the woman who’d been with Jefferson the other night.
But I held back because I knew my husband. I didn’t know if there was anything there, I didn’t know if there was really a story behind this woman and Jefferson, but I didn’t want Hosea talking me out of it before I got started. So, I kept it to myself — for now. He said, “Listen, all you can do is be there for Kyla in the way she allows you to be. You’re not gonna be able to do anything to force it.”
I lowered my eyes so that I wouldn’t be telling a bold-faced lie to his face. “I know.”
“You know what I want to do now?” he asked, but didn’t pause. “I want us to pray so that this won’t be so heavy on your heart. God has already forgiven you, Jasmine. Now, you have to forgive yourself.”
“I just wish Kyla would.”
“Well the truth is, God is the only one you gotta worry about, ‘cause as nice as Kyla seems to me, she doesn’t have a heaven nor a hell to give to you.”
If I hadn’t still been filled with shame, I would’ve given my husband three snaps and two twirls on that one.
He said, “But … I understand how you’re feeling, and I want to pray that you will release the guilt because you know that’s not of God.”
My husband lowered his head and then, I did the same. “Father God, we come to you this morning with hearts filled with praise and thanksgiving �
�.”
My thoughts wandered. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to pray; I needed this because I wanted to release the heaviness that I’d carried for twenty years. It’d been such a burden to bear and I knew that prayer would help. But I had a chance to assist my prayers, to move things along a little faster because prayers without works were dead.
Now, I knew the scripture wasn’t exactly that way, but the premise was the truth. I could wait for something to happen or I could go out and just do what I do.
So as Hosea prayed, one half of my brain prayed with him and on the other side, I tried to figure out my next steps. And what I would do if I found out that woman was having an affair with Jefferson. How would I handle that? How would I protect Kyla? Then once I solved this whole thing, maybe in addition to God, Kyla would be able to forgive me, too.
***
“And, I told Holly, that I was going to be the one to play Jesus’s mother, Mary in the Christmas play because Jesus was really black and since there’re only five black girls at Caldwell and I’m the only one in drama, she could just give up that idea of getting that part.” I drummed my fingers atop the kitchen table as I sat with Jacqueline and Zaya. They chatted as they ate their breakfast but my mind felt like a galaxy of shooting stars, thoughts bouncing from one end of my brain to the other. “Mama!”
“Huh?”
“You’re not listening to me.”
That made me focus my attention, or at least my eyes on my daughter. “Yes, I am.”
“Then, what did I say?” my pre-teen challenged me like she was a grown woman.
“Uh ….”
“I can tell you everything she said, Mama,” my nine-year-old heart came to my rescue. “She said, she told Holly ….”
Then, my son went on to tell me the exact words Jacqueline had spoken. But not even that was good enough for my diva. “Yup, that’s what I said, but you should have been listening, too, Mama.” “I’m sorry.” I covered her hand with mine, looked up, then jumped up. “Kyla!”
I didn’t know how long she’d been standing there, but the way she was staring at my children, it seemed she’d been there for a while.
We stood there in the midst of a few passing moments and I wished that I could read her thoughts. After I left Hosea, I’d knocked on her door, but when there was no answer, I joined my children for breakfast the way I always did.
I said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”
Moving toward her, I beckoned her to come into the kitchen. “Come on, sit with us. What do you want to eat? Mrs. Sloss can make you whatever you want.”
Kyla took slow steps toward me, but her eyes were fixed on Jacqueline and inside I moaned. How was I supposed to help Kyla forget about my past when Brian’s face was connected to my daughter’s body?
But I didn’t sound as if I’d had any kind of apprehension when I said, “Kyla, I’m so glad you’re getting a chance to meet my children.”
Before I could say more, Jacqueline stood and marched over until only a few feet separated her from Kyla. I studied my daughter, hoping that she didn’t see the wonder in Kyla’s eyes.
I told my daughter, “Jacquie, this is one of my best friends. I grew up with her in Los Angeles. This is Auntie …”
Kyla interrupted with, “Kyla. Just call me Ms. Kyla.” Then, she pulled my daughter into a hug.“It’s so nice to meet you, Jacqueline.”
The way Kyla stopped me told me that she didn’t want that kind of connection to my children and that made my heart ache. But I played it off, standing straight, standing strong.
“Hi, Ms. Kyla,” Jacqueline said as she returned Kyla’s hug. Then, Zaya stood and did the same. Kyla stood back and holding both of their hands, she stared at my children some more, although this time, she was careful to give equal time to my son.
“It is so nice to meet both of you,” she said. “Do you have any children?” Jacqueline asked. Kyla nodded. “I do. I have a daughter.”
Jacqueline’s eyes brightened as visions of a new friend danced in her head.
I said, “But her daughter is a little bit older.” She tilted her head. “How old?”
Kyla responded, “Nicole is thirty.”
“Thirty,” Jacqueline and Zaya exclaimed as if they couldn’t imagine such an age.
Then with eyes wide, Jacqueline asked, “You have a daughter who’s thirty?”
Kyla laughed. “I do.”
“Wow!” Zaya said. “So how old are you?”
“Son!” I jumped in. “It’s not polite to ask a woman her age,” I said, as Kyla laughed.
“That’s right,” Jacqueline said, her tone filled with the exasperation of the embarrassed big sister. “Everyone knows that.”
“Sorry,” he whispered.
“Oh, that’s all right.” Kyla put her arm around him. “I wouldn’t mind telling you my age, but I’m not sure you can count that high.” He looked up at her with wonder, as if he were trying to imagine what number could that be? She squeezed his shoulders, assuring him, then turned to me.
“I took a shower and changed my clothes.” She swept her hands down the length of the maxi dress that she wore under a denim jacket. “So, I was thinking that I should get back to the hospital.”
“What about having something to eat?”
She shook her head. “I’m fine. I can’t eat anyway.”
“Okay,” I said. “Let me get the kids out the door and I’ll go with you.”
“No, Jasmine. You don’t have to do that.”
“Of course she does.” Hosea’s voice came into the kitchen before he did and when he entered, I noticed the way Kyla smiled at him, a genuine one that rose from her lips to her eyes rather than the polite, but plastic grimace that she gave to me. “Good morning.” My husband squeezed Kyla in a hug. “So, you’re ready to get back up to the hospital?”
“I am. I’m so grateful.” She glanced at me. “I needed the break.” “Well then, maybe you should stay a little longer,” I said, hoping that she didn’t hear my hope. “You should try to eat something.” Hosea said to me, “Kyla can get something at the hospital, right?”
When Kyla nodded, I did, too. I guess I was trying a bit too hard and my husband was pulling me back.
Then, he said, “So why don’t you two do this, go on to the hospital, I’ll get the kids off to school ….”
“Daddy, I don’t need anyone to get me off ….”
He ignored our daughter. “And then, I have to check in at the church, but I’ll be up there in a couple of hours to support you in any way that you need.”
I watched Kyla exhale and do that genuine smile thing again. “Thank you.”
“All right, then, so,” I said. “Well, we can get going,” I told Kyla. “I called the car service,” Hosea said to both of us. “They’re downstairs, but you don’t have to rush.” “No, I’m ready to go now.”
Hosea said, “I’ll carry your suitcase down for you.”
That was the first time I noticed it. Kyla’s suitcase at the edge of the archway that led to the kitchen.
“Oh,” I said. “Why are you taking your suitcase? Aren’t you staying here?”
“I don’t want to impose.”
“I told you,” I took a step closer to her, “it’s not an imposition.
We want you to stay.”
It was the way she took a step back that told me that what she wanted was to leave.
Hosea said, “Okay, another suggestion. You can leave your suitcase here and then tonight, depending on how you’re feeling and what you decide, I’ll bring it wherever you need it.”
Kyla didn’t even hesitate. “Okay.”
As I hugged my children goodbye, Kyla hugged my husband.
She said, “Thank you, Hosea. Thank you for everything.”
I left her in the kitchen saying goodbye to my children as I dashed into the bedroom to grab my purse. Kyla wasn’t turning to me, but at least, she had Hosea. She was depending on him and I understood that. It was the same
way that I’d depended on Jefferson all those years ago.
As I grabbed my purse, I said a little prayer, giving God thanks that Kyla Blake wasn’t anything like Jasmine Cox Larson.
chapter 10
Kyla
This didn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I couldn’t stop the tremors. Not my hands, not my legs. I wasn’t trembling because of fear. Before we’d left, Hosea had taken my hand and standing in a circle with their children and Jasmine, he had prayed for me and Jefferson.
When he’d finished, Jacqueline and Zaya had hugged me and told me that they hoped Mr. Jefferson got well soon. They didn’t know me nor my husband, didn’t really know what had happened to him, yet, their words were sincere. They had the heart of their father and I’d walked out of their apartment and into the waiting black Sedan with such peace.
But now, it felt like a bit of peace inched out of me with each block we drove. Because though I had left three of the Bushes behind, the fourth one was sitting next to me.
My eyes were on the window, watching the cars that rolled along beside us. It wasn’t nine yet, so I guessed rush hour was the reason for this crawling traffic. But even as I kept my gaze away from Jasmine, I felt hers on me.
I knew Jasmine only wanted to help. That was why she insisted on accompanying me and I hadn’t objected because Hosea had agreed. But her presence wasn’t aiding me in any kind of way.
Truly, I wanted to find some way to wash away my thoughts of the past. I wanted a tsunami of memories featuring all of Jasmine’s good deeds to overcome me, forcing me to forget so that I could truly forgive. But that felt like such an oxymoron to me — Jasmine and good deeds.
“Are you all right?” Jasmine touched my arm.
For the first time, I faced her and did my best to give her a smile. “I’m good. Thank you again for ….”
“You don’t have to keep saying that, Kyla,” she interrupted me. “I just did what I was supposed to do.”
I nodded even though I wanted to ask was that how she justified what she’d done with Jefferson? Was that what she was supposed to do?
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