nowhere

by Marysue Hobika

  Pops returned my smile with one of his own. “It makes my day to hear you say that. I didn’t realize how lonely I was until you moved in and started stomping around and banging cupboard doors. It sure was quiet the past two days.”

  “That reminds me, you didn’t even come to see me while I was in the hospital.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that, kid. I don’t like hospitals.” He shivered.

  “Me either. I don’t blame you for not wanting to come,” I said, forgiving him.

  “That’s not the only reason I didn’t visit you. The truth is I was feeling guilty about driving you to school that day. I’m real sorry I did. I never should’ve let you convince me.” Pops looked ashamed.

  “Oh, Pops, it’s not your fault,” I gushed, wanting to make him feel better. “I would’ve gone whether you drove me or not.” I instinctively touched my side, remembering. “And I would’ve ended up in the hospital regardless.”

  “It is your fault that she’s so stubborn though.” My mom laughed, coming up behind us—she didn’t mention that she was also stubborn. I guessed it ran in the family. “Mike, don’t forget about the rest of your guests.” She nodded to everyone else.

  “I won’t.” I left them to continue making my rounds.

  “Hi, Aunt Carol. Thanks for coming.”

  “Oh, darling, I’m just glad you’re okay.” She gave me a tight squeeze.

  “Happy birthday, cuz,” said Austin.

  “Thanks.” I gave him a quick hug. I didn’t want anyone to feel left out.

  Tyler came over when he saw me talking to his mom and his brother. He’d been sitting with Emma. She stood up to carry the ice cream back inside before it melted. James held the door open for her. “You sure are one tough girl, Mike.” Tyler squeezed my shoulders. “First you have the guts to come barging into the guys’ locker room.” He laughed.

  “I’m glad you can laugh about it now,” I commented.

  “What else can I do?” He shrugged. Maybe Tyler isn’t so bad. “And then you then get appendicitis and make a full recovery. You make it look easy.”

  “Thanks, I guess.” I chuckled. I wasn’t really sure how to respond. It did, however, feel like there was a compliment in there somewhere.

  “I’m sorry I pushed you the other night.” I nodded, accepting his apology. This one felt real, unlike the apology he gave me because James made him. “And the truth is—you could do worse.” He glanced over at James who sat nearby, talking to Pops. “I promise not to interfere again.”

  “Good.” It seemed Tyler and I had reached an agreement. Things really were falling into place here, making my smile widen.

  “You have presents to open,” my mom interrupted, carrying out a small stack. My face flushed.

  “Open our gift first, sweetie,” said Aunt Carol. “It’s the one in the blue wrapping paper. I have to get the boys home soon so that they can get ready for this afternoon’s practice.”

  “Oh, sure,” I stuttered. I forgot that James would have to leave soon. My smile faltered slightly. I hadn’t even made it around to talk to him yet.

  I carefully unwrapped the presents. My aunt gave me a hideous short-sleeve purple blouse that I’d never wear, but I smiled and thanked her anyway. Pops gave me a quirky card that made me laugh, with a check inside. Next I opened a raspberry-colored graphic T-shirt from Emma that I couldn’t wait to try on. The last present in the pile was from my mom, a jean jacket with three quarter sleeves, and a really fabulous art book of the paintings in the Louvre. My eyes teared up as I flipped through the pages. I recognized it as a final gift from my dad. Paris was the last place he traveled to for his job.

  “Thank you,” I said shyly. I was touched by everyone’s thoughtfulness. I hadn’t expected anything. Having them all here was more than enough.

  Suddenly James spoke up, “I didn’t forget your present. It’s just that you’ll have to wait until later.” It was the first words he’d spoken to me since I’d come bursting into the locker room.

  “Okay,” I answered slowly, trying to guess at his cryptic message. I wondered if my birthday wish was going to come true.

  “I thought I’d come by after dinner, like I always do. It needs to be dark out, in order for the present to work.”

  What did that mean? Confused, I said, “Sure. That’s fine.”

  Aunt Carol, Tyler, and Austin wished me well and left. Pops mumbled about going inside to sit in his chair while my mom and Emma carried leftover cake inside. It felt a little rehearsed, but I didn’t care. James and I were finally alone.

  Immediately I went over and sat next to him on the swing. Finally it was out turn to talk. I didn’t really know where to begin. He reached out and lightly stroked my cheek with his fingertips, causing goose bumps to arise on my skin. My body responded to his lightest touch.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know you’re upset with me and I don’t blame you. You’re right, I should’ve called on Sunday night to see how you were feeling. I wanted to, but I honestly thought you didn’t want to see me anymore after what happened at Blondie’s. Then you showed up in the locker room giving me hell, and I realized I’d been wrong. I tried to make it up to you by visiting you in the hospital, but my truck chose that exact moment to die. Pops had to give me a jump and then he helped me install a new battery. By the time I got to the hospital, visiting hours were over. I ran into your mom as she was leaving and she invited me over today. She said she thought it would make you happy if I came. So…are you…happy?”

  I looked down at our intertwined hands. “You could’ve called.” I wasn’t angry, but it still hurt.

  “I did, but your phone went directly into voice mail. Then I remembered that cell phones aren’t allowed in hospitals.” He paused. “Can you forgive me for being such a dumbass?”

  My heart softened. It was nothing more than a misunderstanding. And it wasn’t his fault his truck broke down. However, I didn’t want to give in too quickly. “I forgive you, but I’m not happy yet,” I said.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Would this help?” he asked in a husky voice, as he lowered his head and lightly brushed his lips against mine. My heart completely melted. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. I had missed the feel of his lips the past few days. My heart knew I didn’t really have a choice but to forgive him. James made me happy.

  Suddenly my mom came out onto the porch, making more noise than was necessary. James and I pulled apart. I was sure my face was as red as his. My parents had always been affectionate with each other, holding hands and kissing in front of us. We weren’t doing anything more than that, but somehow it felt like we were. “Okay, Mike, it’s time to rest.”

  James stood and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I have to go, anyway. I have practice. I’ll come back later, after dinner, if that’s still okay?” He glanced nervously at my mom. She nodded her head in approval. “See you later.” He bent over and kissed the top of my head.

  I climbed the stairs to my room and lay down on my bed. I sighed. It felt good to be home. The sleepless night and the emotional day had worn me out. I quickly fell asleep.

  I awoke two hours later, feeling well rested. I stretched and went into the bathroom to freshen up. Looking in the mirror, I got an idea. I owed James a self-portrait.

  I gathered my art supplies and returned to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a full five minutes before touching my pencil to the paper. I wanted to get it just right. I started with my eyes, big and brown. I was using a charcoal pencil so I shaded them in to match the depth. There was nothing noteworthy about my nose. It was just in the middle of my face. Next I drew my high cheekbones, shading them in to look like I was blushing. My lips were full. I drew the corners upturned slightly to form a smile. I was always happy when I was with James. My chin was slightly pointed, which was the feature I liked the least about my face. Of course my hair curled in every direction and completely filled in the rest of the paper. When I fini
shed, I stood back and inspected my work. Feeling satisfied, I returned to my room. I carefully sprayed my masterpiece, so that it wouldn’t smudge and set it on the dresser to dry. Later, I’d put it in a frame to give to James.

  After dinner, I joined Pops in the family room to help him with his crossword puzzle, passing time until James arrived. “Are you sure you’re feeling up to answering a few questions?” he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “I’m sure,” I said, sitting down.

  “Did you know, your boyfriend is also good at puzzles?” He grinned.

  “You didn’t?” I exclaimed.

  “What? He didn’t mind.” I raised my eyebrows. “He’s smart. He’s going to go places, that boy. I like him.”

  “Enough, Pops.” He was embarrassing me. “Ask me a hard one.”

  “Okay. You asked for it.” He looked over the page. “Author Edgar Allen____?”

  “Poe. That was easy.”

  “Angel’s topper?”

  “Halo.”

  Before he could ask me another question, I heard James pull in and I jumped up. “I just remembered I left something upstairs.”

  Pops chuckled. “Slow down before you get yourself all worked up,” he demanded. “I don’t want you getting sick on us again.”

  It warmed my heart the way Pops looked out for me. “Don’t worry, I promise not to overdo it.” I walked slowly out of the room.

  “I’ll make sure he doesn’t go anywhere,” he called after me.

  I smiled. “Tell him I’ll be right down.”

  From upstairs, I heard James knock on the screen door. When I came down the stairs, James and Pops were talking in the front hall. My face lit up when I saw him. He was looking as handsome as ever, wearing a plaid button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, jeans, and cowboy boots. His sandy hair was tousled and his green eyes were clear and bright.

  “Ah, to be young again,” Pops said wistfully, observing us. “You two going out on the porch?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Have fun,” he said, returning to his chair.

  We walked outside and sat down on the swing. I held my package out to him.

  “What’s this?” he asked, taking it from me. “I thought it was your birthday. I’m supposed to be giving you a gift?”

  “Just open it.”

  He tore it open. His eyes went wide and turned a deeper shade of green. He studied it closely before commenting. I held my breath, waiting. Quietly, his voice full of awe and admiration, he said, “I love it. I can’t believe you drew this for me. It’s beautiful, just like you. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “It’s the nicest gift anyone’s ever given me.” His eyes proved that he was telling the truth.

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I have a present for you too, but we have to wait until it gets dark out.”

  “Why?” I asked, intrigued.

  “I can’t tell you. That would ruin the surprise. And I thought you liked surprises.”

  “I hate surprises,” I stated emphatically.

  “Really? You seemed to enjoy your surprise party today,” he gently reminded me.

  “I did, didn’t I?” I laughed. “Okay, maybe I don’t hate surprises. I just hate waiting.”

  “Don’t worry, it’ll be worth it,” he reassured me.

  We passed the evening hanging out on the porch, talking and enjoying each other’s company. I snuggled into the crook of his arm, fitting perfectly. I had a hard time remembering why I thought my old life back in San Francisco was so great. I had everything I needed right here. Eventually dusk turned to darkness.

  James stood and said, “Stay here. I gotta get something out of my truck.”

  He returned with a rectangle shaped present that looked like it might be a book and a large black case. “I hope you like it,” he said, handing me the present. “Sorry about the wrapping paper, that’s all I could find at my house.”

  “It’s perfect.” It was wrapped in comics from the newspaper. It was obvious he had done it himself. I couldn’t have been happier, even if he’d showed up with a present that looked like Martha Stewart had wrapped it.

  Like James, I tore open the present. It was a book on star constellations. “Thank you. I love it,” I exclaimed. The book made me feel closer to him.

  “That’s not the whole present,” he said, laughing.

  “It’s not?”

  I watched as James opened the black case. Inside was a telescope for stargazing. “This is mine. I brought it over to show you the real stars that are outlined in the book.” He assembled it swiftly and then took my hand. “Come on. Let’s set it up where there won’t be any trees in the way. It’s such a clear night, it should be perfect.” We walked over to a clear spot by the green house. In no time, he set it up. “I remembered that you said the stars on your ceiling kept the nightmares away, so I thought maybe if you saw the real ones up close they might comfort you at night too. I hope you don’t think it’s a corny present,” he added in a whisper.

  “Of course not.” I wrapped my arms around him, reached up on my tiptoes, and kissed him so that he’d know how much it meant to me. “It’s the best present ever.” I kissed him again, deeper this time. I ran my hands through his soft hair while he held me close. Our tongues teased each other, darting in and out of each other’s mouths. We pulled away, breathing heavily.

  Leaning his forehead against mine, he said, “I’m glad you like it.”

  “Show me how it works.” I was still trying to slow down my racing heart.

  “Absolutely. I know I already showed you the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper,” he explained, his voice filled with the same passion as when he talked about football. “I wanted to show you how cool they look when you see them through the telescope.” He pointed it at the sky and adjusted several dials. “Here, take a look,” he whispered.

  “Amazing. The night sky is beautiful.” I’d never looked through a telescope. Now I understood why James found this so comforting and calming. I’d have to look out my window the next time a nightmare woke me up. I was sure it would help. I felt closer to James then ever. He was sharing a piece of himself with me.

  We spent the next half hour looking through the telescope at the different constellations. He showed me how to use the telescope and I even located the Little Dipper on my own. “I found it. The Little Dipper,” I said with excitement. “Take a look.” I made room for him.

  “Good job. You’re a quick learner.”

  “You’re a good teacher.”

  He smiled.

  “I’m sure I’ll sleep better now, knowing that these stars are right outside my window. This was such a thoughtful gift.”

  “I’m so glad you like it.”

  “I love it. Hey, you never told me why you have trouble sleeping?”

  “That’s a story for another day,” he answered, avoiding my question. His posture had become stiff. “Today’s all about you. It’s your birthday.”

  “Exactly. Please tell me,” I placed my hand on the side of his face. “I want to know.”

  Slowly he nodded. “Sometimes I can’t sleep because my house is too noisy.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “My mom and dad argue a lot. My room is next to theirs and I can’t sleep when they’re shouting. It can get really ugly.” Does his dad hit his mom? Is that what Tyler’s comment meant the other night?

  “I’m here, if you ever want to talk about it.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot to me.” He took my face in his hands and pressed his lips against mine. I felt his invisible wall all but disappear.

  “I love you,” I whispered, in between kisses.

  “What?” he asked, surprised. Tonight was the first time I’d told him. It had been true for weeks, but I hadn’t had the courage to say it out loud. “Say it again.” He smiled.

  “I love you, James Muldoon,” I repeated loud and clear, wanting to shout it to the world.

  “I lo
ve you too,” he whispered, pulling me even closer to him. The rest of the world ceased to exist when I was with James. He began kissing my lips until they felt bruised and swollen. Then he trailed kisses down my neck to the sensitive spot behind my ear. I felt him hard against my leg and I moaned as I pressed against him, wanting more.

  “This isn’t right,” he said, pulling away. He took a step back, running his hands through his hair. He looked like he was struggling to get his hormones under control.

  I moved toward him, gently placing my hand on his arm. “I love you James. I want to be with you.” I thought about the wish I’d made earlier when I blew out my candles.

  He took both of my hands in his and placed them over his heart. “You don’t know how happy it makes me feel to hear you say that. But I can’t make love to you right now.”

  “Why not?” I asked, choking up. Tears welled in my eyes.

  “Please don’t cry.” He gently wiped a tear away with his fingertips. “It’s not what you think. I want to be with you, more than anything.” There was pain in his handsome face as he explained, “You scared the crap out of me when you collapsed at school. You just spent two days in the hospital having an emergency appendectomy. I won’t do anything that might cause you pain. I can’t. I love you too much. If anything happened to you, I’d never forgive myself.”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right,” I readily agreed, feeling bad for upsetting him. “The doctor did say to take it easy for a couple of weeks.”

  “I promise you, Mikayla, I want to make love to you. My strength is tested every time we’re together, but I want to do the right thing.”

  “What if I promise to behave until I’m healed?” He looked so distraught I would have suggested just about anything if thought it’d help.

  He chuckled. “Thanks. That would make things a little easier.”

  “Okay,” I replied, hoping I’d be able to follow through.

  “It’s getting late. I should pack up my telescope and head home. I told your mom that I wouldn’t keep you up late. She wants you to get enough rest.”