Burn So Bright

by Jennifer Bernard

  The truth was, part of her had been fantasizing about a crazy scenario in which Josh loved her and wanted a life with her. One in which he embraced the idea of a baby and a family.

  Well, now that fantasy had a giant crutch-sized stake through its heart. She’d heard every word Josh had said to his parents, and she’d also heard the panic in his voice. Panic. As if she was going to march out of the exam room and get her settling-down cooties all over him.

  Yes, screw Josh Marshall. She didn’t need him or Logan. She had her friends. She had the McGraws. She had the entire town of Jupiter Point. They’d helped her after her parents left town. They’d help her now too; that was what people here were like. She had her parents, who would probably kick in some savings bonds or something equally useless but well-intentioned. And she had her own savings. It was a good thing she hadn’t bought Casa di Stella after all. Now she could use that money for a smaller, more manageable house.

  Everything had worked out the way it was supposed to after all.

  The clinic released her around dinnertime. Josh’s parents reluctantly put her in a cab after she insisted she was fine. Ten minutes after she got back to her condo, all of Josh’s stuff was packed into his duffel and sitting on her front stoop.

  Snowball watched her with ears perked into full alert mode. “I’m sorry, Snowball, I know you love Josh. But you’re going to have to stay with me. Josh has no business adopting a dog. I promise he can visit you, and you can visit him on the base. We’ll work it out.”

  When she was done ejecting his stuff from her place, she scrawled a note and pinned it to the canvas material of his bag.

  Saved you the trouble of packing. And yes, I did let you win at Monopoly.

  Pretty childish, she had to admit. But, then again, she wasn’t a full-fledged mother yet. Might as well get her juvenile behavior out of the way now, before a baby had to suffer from it.

  She plopped onto the floor next to Snowball, who cocked her head and fixed bright, dark eyes on her. “The nurse said it’s official, Snowball. Ten weeks. Ten whole weeks of a baby is living inside me. Can you believe it? I’m going to be a mother, and I’m going to do the best job I possibly can. Whatever it takes.”

  She scratched Snowball’s head, thinking through all the things she needed to plan over the next seven months. PowerPoint city. So many details, so many plans…

  But first—she swallowed hard. First, she needed to call her parents.

  She dialed her mother’s number, vaguely surprised when she got an answer. Generally she left a message and got a call back days later.

  “Hi, Desiree. It’s Suzanne. I…uh…have big news.” She raced through her announcement, hoping her mother wouldn’t notice the lack of a husband in her story.

  “A baby. My little girl, with a baby.” Desiree’s dreamy tone didn’t hold any judgment. “I think this is wonderful, Suzie.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course I do.” Suzanne heard rustling on the other end of the phone, and someone speaking in Spanish. “You’ll be the best mother. Such a wonderful time in a woman’s life.”

  “Do you think…I mean…” Suzanne screwed up every bit of her courage. “Any chance you could come back…you know, just for a bit, when…?” She couldn’t finish the thought. Every time she suggested that her mom come back, the idea got shot down, right along with her heart.

  “Oh honey, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea—”

  “You’re right. Bad idea. Never mind. Anyway, I just wanted you to know. I’ll send you belly pics as soon as I have some!” As chipper and cheerful as she could manage, she hung up.

  So, not even a new baby would get her mother back to the States. She truly, truly was all alone. With a sob, she closed her eyes, a thousand images from her childhood cascading through her memory. She wanted to be back there in the sweet lost past having tea parties with her mother at Casa di Stella.

  Casa di Stella.

  One more part of her childhood about to be lost forever.

  She opened her eyes and dashed her tears away. She was not a crier, goddamn it. Never had been, not about to start now. “Snowball, there’s something I have to do before I never get another chance.”

  Snowball gave a little yip.

  “Exactly right. How did you know? I need to do some stargazing at you-know-where. Sorry I can’t take you, girl. I’m going to be trespassing, and I can’t drag an innocent dog along while I commit a crime.”

  She grabbed a sweater and a flashlight, then stuffed her phone in her bag too, even thought it was practically dead after all the day’s drama.

  All she needed was one more night on the roof of Casa di Stella. She needed to say goodbye. And then the rest of her life would begin.

  The fire and fescue compound was a ghost town except for a light on at the forest ranger’s office. The two crew buggies were gone, as was one of the Ford Super Duty’s. The other was parked in its usual spot, but somehow its presence made the lot seem all the more empty.

  Josh roamed the hotshot’s wing for a while—the mess hall, the kitchen, the barracks. It all looked so…small. As if it had shrunk while he’d been recuperating at Suzanne’s. But of course it was small. It was a temporary way station between fires, not a home. And it felt so deserted.

  He should do something. Occupy himself. He stumped into the storage cache and did a quick inventory. Nothing was out of place, nothing needed organizing. No new deliveries were waiting to be unloaded. Nothing to do, no one to talk to.

  Damn, the quiet was getting to him. Thoughts kept crowding in. His father’s words. She was throwing up and bleeding. Something terrible could have happened. The nurse’s words. Suzanne got dehydrated and disoriented. Most of all, his mother’s astonishing statements. I’m sorry…. Most loving little boy in the world…You love that girl.

  Stop it. Damn. He needed a fucking distraction. Someone had to be on duty at the forest ranger’s dispatch. They were staffed on a twenty-four hour basis during the summer.

  He crutched out to the pavement and down to the squat concrete outbuilding where the forest ranger was located. It was a beautiful evening, the air as soft as velvet. He glanced up at the first brilliant points of light peppering the magnificent canvas of the night sky. For a moment, he simply stood and watched in wonder. This happened every night, this magical drama unfurling overhead. He usually ignored it. Too caught up in his own life.

  You’re afraid of getting ripped apart…this is your life, buckaroo.

  Damn, here came those thoughts again. He shook himself and stumped into the forest ranger’s office. The dispatcher, a fifty-ish woman named Lou, huddled over the receiver, which was turned up to full volume.

  “Heya, Marsh,” she greeted him. “You got here just in time.”

  “What’s going on?”

  The radio squawked and she held up a hand for him to be silent. Josh recognized the voice of one of the local Jupiter Point firefighters—Rabbit. “The eagle has landed! Got her through the door in the nick of time. All hands on deck can relax.”

  “What’d I miss?” Josh asked Lou.

  “Rosario Peavy got trapped in an elevator at City Hall. The firefighters came to get her out, then she went into labor, and things got a little crazy. Sounds like they got her to the hospital just in time.”

  “Holy shit. Where’s Tim?”

  “Tim’s been going nuts. He was at City Hall the whole time, talking her through it. Luckily she had her cell with her. They’re both at the birthing center now.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “She’s a trooper. Never lost her cool once.” Lou grinned. “Can’t say the same for the menfolk. I didn’t know Tim Peavy could swear that creatively.”

  She held up her hand as the radio began emitting the staticky sound that meant more information was coming.

  “Quick update before we free up this channel.” It was Chief Littleton. “The Peavys have a new baby. A little girl named Jocelyn. Everyone is healthy and passes along
their thanks for all the help. We might have to scrape Tim off the floor, but he’ll recover. Thanks for the good work, everyone. Now back to work.” He clicked off the emergency channel.

  A lump formed in Josh’s throat. He had a namesake. A little girl named in honor of him. Jocelyn Peavy. Tim must be a nervous wreck. Imagine your wife being trapped inside an elevator with a baby coming. If that was Suzanne…

  A horrifying series of images flashed through his mind, all his parents’ words rushing back to him. Suzanne, throwing up and bleeding…dehydrated…something terrible could have happened… Suzanne falling overboard…tripping over a rope and hitting her head. Suzanne, unconscious. Hurt. Lost. Her bright spirit gone forever.

  He stumped outside, nearly stumbling on the threshold with his crutches. The evening air embraced him, but it didn’t feel comforting this time. It held a chill, like a warning, from the ocean. All the twilight color had disappeared from the night sky and the stars shone with icy brilliance.

  Suzanne could have been in serious trouble out there on the water. If anything had happened to her…

  God.

  Suzanne. He loved her.

  He loved her.

  And he’d screwed everything up.

  27

  Suzanne saw no signs of construction at Casa di Stella yet. That was a relief—it meant she didn’t have to worry about a security guard stopping by or workers putting in overtime. She parked in the courtyard and jogged to the front door, which was locked.

  Not a problem. She knew every nook and cranny of Casa di Stella, including the kitchen window that never quite closed properly. She climbed onto a garbage can and slipped inside. The infusion of fluids had done its job and she felt no sign of the exhaustion and lightheadedness she’d experienced on the That’s Amore.

  In fact, she felt crystal clear. About everything.

  She practically ran up the spiral staircase to the third floor and pushed open the trapdoor that led to the attic. A ladder was built into the door; all you had to do was pull it out once the door was open. She climbed into the attic, just as she had a thousand times as a little girl. In the attic, another hidden door led to a tiny balcony. From there, it was just a few steps up an old fire escape to the stargazing platform.

  Mrs. Chu had closed off the platform, most likely as a safety issue. She was probably too much of a rule-follower to enjoy a platform that wasn’t built to code. But Suzanne had no problem shoving aside the barrier the former owner had installed.

  Suzanne pulled herself onto the platform and lay back with a satisfied sigh. The vast array of brilliant heavenly bodies seemed to smile down on her. “Hello, old friends,” she whispered. “Long time, no gaze.”

  The stars shimmered and sparkled. She kept talking, almost as if the stars were listening. They seemed so close, so friendly. As if they really wanted to hear what she had to say. Even though she knew it was slightly ridiculous, she didn’t care. “I wanted my baby to experience this place, because there most likely won’t be another chance. I tried to buy this house, I tried really hard. It just wasn’t meant to be. But I promise that my baby and I will do plenty of stargazing. Also beachcombing, and hunting for sea glass. Playing make-believe. Building fairy houses in the woods. Picking apples, carving pumpkins.”

  She fell silent, all the wonderful memories of her childhood swarming in. The childhood from before the market crash that led to the collapse of everything else. So many of her happy memories took place here in this whimsical old castle. Maybe she’d wanted Casa di Stella so much as a way of recreating what she’d lost. But did she need a building for that?

  Maybe what she needed already existed in her own heart—and belly.

  “I’m going to stick with my baby no matter what,” she told the stars. “I will never leave him or her behind. I promise you that, stars as my witness.”

  The constellations twinkled back at her. She spotted a satellite in orbit.

  “Know what else? Even though none of this is happening the way I planned, that’s okay. I’m fine with that. Actually, I love it. Because I’m going to have a baby and that’s…really great.” The night breeze swept over her skin, giving her a little chill. She hugged her arms around her front, glad she’d brought a sweater.

  She fell silent and listened to the rustle of the wind in the treetops, such a familiar sound from when she used to sleep in the turret bedroom. The cypresses had grown so tall since she’d been gone. They reached almost as high as the platform.

  Then an odd noise caught her attention. She went still, listening hard.

  There it came again. Furtive footsteps across the cobblestones of the courtyard.

  Something about the sound put her on guard. Maybe it was the slow pace, as if the person was stopping every few minutes to make sure they were alone. The step had a deliberate lightness, as if the intruder was trying not to make any noise.

  She opened her mouth to call down to the stranger, then thought better of it. After all, she was trespassing. And she was alone here. What if it was a burglar who didn’t know the house wasn’t empty? What if they decided to climb up to the platform and take her purse? Shivering, she dug into her bag and pulled out her phone. She’d turned it off to preserve the battery, and saw that she’d missed several calls. Josh’s father, his mother, and Josh had all called.

  Even though she was mad at Josh, she wouldn’t mind getting his help right now. She pressed redial, but before the call could go through, her phone died. Great.

  She sucked in a long breath. What next? She crawled on her belly to the edge of the platform and peered in the direction of the footsteps. Three stories down, she spotted a dark blob next to the house. Was that a person or a rose bush? Or a person in the rose bush? What was he doing? Looking for a key? Stopping to smell the roses?

  And what was that weird smell?

  She sniffed, her nostrils prickling. It smelled like a gas station.

  Then several things happened at once. A flame flared to life, then another. The dry vines of ivy caught fire. The dark figure rose to his feet and jogged across the cobblestones toward the pillared entrance of the drive.

  And Suzanne realized she was completely screwed.

  Josh had called Suzanne, but gotten no answer. He was about to call a cab when his phone rang. Not Suzanne, though—it was his father. “Son, just wanted to tell you we’re heading out of town. We’re at Suzanne’s place right now. Wanted to check on her and say goodbye. You might want to get over here.”

  His gut clenched. “Why? Is she okay?”

  “She’s not here, and your stuff’s sitting outside. But there’s a dog in here barking its head off. Sounds like something’s wrong. We tried calling Suzanne’s cell but didn’t get an answer.”

  “Okay, Pop. I’ll take care of it.” Josh hesitated. His parents had taken care of Suzanne in her moment of need. They’d gotten her to the clinic, and he hadn’t even thanked them. In fact, he’d been a dick. As maddening as they were—as crazy-making, as frustrating—they had very possibly saved Suzanne and her baby. “Listen, uh…I was a little thrown back there at the clinic. Never thanked you guys for taking care of Suzanne. So, uh…thanks.”

  Rock paused before answering. “It was our pleasure, Josh. Kind of brought us together, in a way. Your mother was a champ out there. I’m not saying we’re getting back together, so don’t get your hopes up. But we’re going to drive back in the old Caddy together and try to figure out a way to show a little more respect to each other.”

  Would a “hallelujah” offend his dad? “That…uh…sounds like a good plan, Pop. Good luck and drive safe. If things get heated, pull over.”

  “Roger that. See ya next time, son.”

  For the first time, that prospect didn’t fill Josh with terror.

  But right now, he had a bigger worry. It would take a cab at least half an hour to get out here. Snowball wasn’t a dog who barked at nothing. If she was upset, there must be a really good reason why. He stumped back to the hotshot area
and grabbed the Super Duty keys from the pegboard. The Super Duty was an automatic shift, so he ought to be able to handle it.

  It was too awkward trying to switch his good foot back and forth between the pedals, but he worked out a two-footed method that was jerky as hell. With his left foot hovering over the brake, he used his cast to press the accelerator. He tried not to think about the potential damage being done to his healing bone. Pressing down was one of those motions he was supposed to avoid.

  But bones could heal. If Suzanne was in trouble, it was worth the risk.

  By the time he reached the city limits, he had the technique down pretty well, though his leg was sending him a constant dull message of protest. It was a good thing he’d spent big chunks of his life doing PT. He knew how to manage pain.

  At Suzanne’s condo, he found exactly what his father had described. His duffel sat outside, with a note pinned to it. When he read it, he had to laugh—and wince. As he’d feared, Suzanne had overheard his rant at the clinic. And she’d responded in a perfectly Suzanne way. He had to find her and apologize…no, he had to grovel. Beg her to give him another chance. Tell her how much he loved her.

  He stuffed the note in his pocket and unlocked the condo. Snowball came hurtling toward him.

  “Hey girl, hey there, what’s the matter? Do you need a little pee break? Come on out here on the grass. Come on, that’s a good girl.”

  But she had no interest in peeing. She danced around him, giving little nips and barks.

  “Are you hungry?” He peered through the door toward the kitchen. Her food bowl was overflowing. Definitely not hungry.

  “Something’s obviously bugging you, girl, but I have no idea what.”

  He pulled out his phone and dialed Suzanne’s number again. No answer. He shot her a text, but got no response.

  When he looked up from his phone, he saw Snowball was gone.