In Search of Lucy: A Novel

by Lia Fairchild

  “Sure, we thought it was great that you were coming. Katie and I are just really glad you’re here…both of you. We also have a fold-out futon in the den if you decide you need more space.”

  “Thanks,” they both said.

  “I’ll let you two get settled, and I’m going to go start dinner. It’s my turn to cook tonight.” Rick walked out and gave a last, “Let me know if you need anything.”

  Anne instantly jumped up and opened her suitcase. There were empty hangers in the closet, and she started to hang up a few blouses. On the shelf above the closet, there were two boxes that looked like storage items, a couple of photo albums, and a stack of folded clothes. The pile looked like a child’s clothes, probably things that Carly had outgrown. Lucy sat down on one of the beds and appeared to be watching Anne, but her gaze was going right through her.

  “Don’t you want to unpack?”

  “I will later. I don’t really feel like it right now.”

  Anne stopped, with a look of guilt about her happy vacation mood. “You’re nervous about being here, aren’t you? About seeing your sister?”

  “I don’t know, maybe. It feels weird being here. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.”

  “Lucy, what you should be feeling is proud. I’m proud of you. And I know Rick and Katie are so thankful to have this chance with you. Everything’s going to be okay…you’ll see.” Anne tossed the shirt in her hand back into her suitcase. “Let’s just unpack later.”

  Lucy got up and mumbled to herself as she walked toward the door. “I think I’d see a lot better if I had a drink right now.”

  “Yes, you did say that out loud,” Anne laughed.

  Back in the kitchen, Rick made good progress on the dinner. He had two big pots of water on the stove, a large one and a smaller one that had already started to boil. There were various plates and bowls lined up on the counter, and the table, which was in a small dining room off to the side of the kitchen, had been set with glasses and silverware only. Lucy noticed right away that one of the seats had a small yellow plastic cup in front of it while all the rest had glass. It was obviously Carly’s seat, but she was taken aback at the reality of being around a child again. So much of her energy had been focused on the anxiety of seeing her sister again that she hadn’t given much thought to what it would be like to meet her only niece for the very first time.

  “If you don’t think it’s too rude of me, why don’t you girls show yourself around while I make dinner.”

  “Not at all,” Lucy offered first.

  “If you’re sure you don’t need any help,” Anne added.

  “Naw, go ahead. There’s not much to see, though.”

  The girls walked around together as if they were attending an open house, examining rooms and eyeing the photos and knickknacks scattered throughout the house. When they got to Rick and Katie’s room, they barely stepped in and glanced around. Neither felt comfortable enough yet to invade their personal space. But as they turned to walk away, something caught Lucy’s eye and she did a double take. They had one of those attached bathrooms with no door, just a walkway. Lucy could see through to the counter and noticed various medical supplies crowded up into the corner of the counter. She couldn’t make out specifically what it was, but it obviously was not hair-spray and makeup. It gave Lucy a feeling of guilt, almost like it was her fault that Katie was sick. She shook the thought from her brain like a just-bathed puppy.

  In the outside bathroom, the one that they would probably use, they smiled at the ocean décor. The shower curtain had shells and starfish on it, and the toothbrush holder was a little umbrella on a stand.

  The last room they came to was Carly’s, with her pink and purple walls and butterfly bedspread. Her name was written with wooden blocks painted different colors and hung on the wall in an arch. Stuffed animals of every variety covered every inch of the room. Her bed was lined top to bottom with the little creatures, just barely giving enough space for her little body. There was a wooden shelf hanging on the wall crammed with about twenty miniature stuffed bears and bunnies. There were even animals along the walls on the floor and piled up in her walk-in closet. Lucy delighted in how wonderful it must be to grow up in such a cuddly room.

  “Look at this cute painting,” Anne said, pointing at a wall next to a window. It was held up by a piece of tape and was obviously Carly’s depiction of her family. Katie was holding a flower in one hand and held Carly’s hand with the other. Her scale of sizes was a little off, and Rick towered over both of them. His arm was around Katie, and there was a huge sun shining above them all.

  Lucy felt a bit of pride zap through her as if she had handed down her artistic talents to her niece. “Hey, that’s pretty good.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Lucy!”

  In the doorway Carly stood watching them looking at her painting. When they saw her, she immediately ran over and wrapped her arms around Lucy, which caught her off guard. She wasn’t used to little kids.

  “Hi, Carly,” Lucy said. She gave her back a little pat.

  Not willing to let go yet, Carly said, “You’re finally here…I’ve been waiting and waiting.”

  Lucy pried Carly’s arms from her waist and bent down towards her face. “This is my friend, Anne.”

  “I know,” she said, smiling and looking up at Anne. “You’re a nurse, right? Maybe you can help my mommy.”

  “Well, I’m not a nurse yet. It’s nice to meet you, Carly,” Anne said.

  Just then Katie appeared in the doorway of the room, and all eyes turned her way. Her hair was dishwater blonde, lighter than Lucy remembered. She wore loose capri pants and a baggy T-shirt. It was difficult to tell if she just wanted to be comfortable or if she had lost weight.

  Carly ran over and grabbed her mother’s hand.

  “Look, Mommy! They’re here!”

  “I see that, sweetie.”

  They all stood frozen for what seemed like an eternity, but was only a few seconds, waiting for someone to do or say something. Lucy couldn’t believe how different Katie looked. She’d expected change, but she wasn’t quite prepared to see her sister was now a woman. After all, it had been almost seven years since they had seen each other. But her face looked older than she expected, more aged. She figured it was most likely from being a parent, combined with her illness. “It’s good to see you, Katie,” Lucy said, walking toward her sister.

  “I’m so glad you came, Lucy.” Her voice was soft and quiet.

  The two embraced, and Lucy couldn’t help feeling strange, like she was hugging a casual acquaintance. She pulled away first and took a few steps back, but before she could give the introduction, Katie said, “Hi, Anne, how are you?”

  “I’m great, Katie. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  “Mmm, I smell something good. Let’s go!” Carly smiled and ran out of the room, assuming they were going to follow her.

  “It’s nice to meet you too, Anne. Why don’t we go into the living room. Otherwise she’ll just come back for us.” Katie laughed and exchanged a smile with Lucy as they walked out of the room.

  CHAPTER 33

  Was it a coincidence that Rick happened to be cooking Lucy’s favorite dinner, spaghetti? Either way, it didn’t matter. Lucy’s stomach was filled with Caesar salad, pasta, and one too many pieces of garlic bread. The way Lucy and Anne were scarfing down the food, Rick and Katie probably wondered how long it had been since these two girls had a decent meal. And of course Lucy didn’t question the glass of red wine that had been placed in front of each seat. Rick must have been reading her mind when he spoke up about it.

  “I used to be a big-time beer lover, but we’re a red wine house now. A good dry red actually has little or no sugar. So the health benefits are worth it…for both of us.” He looked at Katie, and the pair exchanged a loving smile.

  Sounds good to me, Lucy thought to herself.

  Dinner conversation revolved mostly around the trip there and discussions on the differences and similariti
es between Texas and California. The topics of the surgeries, and Lucy and Katie’s past, were tiptoed around like landmines. There was also little talk about Katie’s health, mainly because Katie herself kept skirting around the subject.

  At one point Anne had asked her how she was feeling. Lucy could tell Katie’s response was only somewhat accurate since Carly was listening intently at that point. She said she’d had some setbacks lately, but had been feeling pretty good that day. Of course she wouldn’t bore them with the history and details of her illness. Maybe later, once they had settled in and they all got to know each other better.

  Lucy couldn’t help but to wonder about that. As she sat there listening to random stories about Carly as a baby or Rick and his dad’s business, she felt like she was sitting across from strangers. That person, that little girl she once knew, was buried beneath the years, the experiences, and the burdens. Whereas Lucy felt like she was frozen in time, still stuck to that old life. How was Katie able to move on? How did she so easily leave and never look back? The answer was clear: Carly.

  After everyone was finished eating, they remained at the table, except for Carly, for another half hour. She ran back and forth from various rooms in the house, proudly showing her aunt the things that were most important to her. First, there was Betty Bear, dressed all in pink, including matching shoes and purse. Next was a picture she’d drawn in class of her and her grandpa. She explained that they were supposed to draw a special person in their life.

  “My papa is the most specialest person I know,” she added, handing the paper to Lucy.

  “What a beautiful picture. I like to draw too.”

  “I know, my mommy told me. I like to paint like you too. And guess what else?”

  “What?”

  “You get to see my papa tomorrow.”

  “I do?” Lucy looked over at Katie for confirmation.

  “I hope you girls don’t mind,” Rick put in. “My dad really wanted to take us all out to dinner.”

  “No, it’s fine,” Lucy said.

  “Not at all,” Anne added. “That would be nice.”

  “He wanted to meet you, both of you,” Katie said. “And there’s this restaurant, Guadalajara’s. They have the best Mexican food.”

  Lucy and Anne looked at each other, smiled, and in unison replied, “Sounds great.”

  Carly continued her commuting to and from the dining room, but after about three more interruptions to the adult conversation, Katie stopped Carly and wrapped her arms around her daughter.

  “Why don’t you show Aunt Lucy some more stuff tomorrow, okay? Now go get your jammies on and you can watch one show.”

  “Okay, Mommy.”

  As she ran down the hallway she yelled, “I can show Lucy my Tinkerbell nightgown, too!”

  Katie apologized for Carly’s complete bombardment of Lucy and explained how excited Carly had been the last few days before they arrived.

  “You’ll see soon enough how stubborn Carly can be,” Rick added, getting up from the table. “Don’t anybody move. This was my meal, and I’m taking care of the dishes too.” He stacked a couple of plates together and carried them over to the counter next to the sink.

  Katie must have noticed that both Anne and Lucy had that look of obligation and were just about to say something. “Don’t even try to help him. He’s just as stubborn as Carly. That’s where she gets it from.”

  “Hey, don’t blame me, it’s my dad’s fault,” Rick shot back.

  Rick and Katie swapped smiles and laughed, and then Katie said, “You’re probably right.” To Lucy and Anne she said, “They’re very close. George helps out quite a bit with Carly, so they spend a lot of time together.”

  “That must be nice.” Lucy heard her own voice come out sounding empty, but it was too late to stop it. Then she saw Rick and Katie glance awkwardly at each other, so she took a breath and added in a more positive tone, “She’s a very lucky little girl.”

  Anne made the first move to change the subject. “Well, thanks so much for dinner. I’m so stuffed. It was really good though.” Anne got up sluggishly from the table like she was carrying a heavy load on her back. “I promised my aunt I’d give her a call, so I think I’ll go do that, maybe read a bit before bed.” She had packed a couple of books from the nursing program, but she hadn’t even had a chance to think about them while on the road.

  Realizing that was the perfect opportunity for Katie and Lucy to talk, Rick insisted they head to the den while he did the dishes and kept an eye on Carly.

  Lucy took a seat on the only spot to sit in the den—a small brown leather couch. She thought the room looked like it was fighting to find its identity. It had probably started out as some sort of office, but the older Carly got, the more it transformed to meet her needs. There was a weak looking black desk with an old HP desktop in the corner of the room. Next to that were a couple of black cases that held DVDs and a few old VHS tapes. All the way in the closet from her view she noticed there was a child’s easel standing next to a small wooden tray that held art supplies. It kept her gaze and gave her a feeling of contentment.

  “I know.” Katie must have read her mind. “It’s pretty cool, huh? I was never an artist like you, but Carly’s a natural. And she just loves it.”

  She joined Lucy on the couch, turning her body sideways and cranking a knee up on the cushion. That’s when Lucy saw it. It was startling at first, but she realized instantly what it was sticking out from beneath Katie’s top. A thin, clear plastic tube, casually hanging there like earphones from an iPod. She imagined something like that would become second nature, but that it also had to be a constant reminder to Katie that her body needed help. Katie relied on the insulin pump to keep her feeling like she could lead a somewhat normal life. It gave her freedom.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Lucy asked when Katie realized what she was looking at.

  That simple question alone caused Katie’s eyes to well up. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know how or why any of this happened the way it did. You were everything to me growing up, and then suddenly, I didn’t have you anymore.”

  “That’s because you left, Katie.” Lucy looked away, ensuring she wouldn’t be swayed by Katie’s tears. That was who she was, and she wanted to have her say. “You made that choice.”

  “I’m sorry, Lucy. I know I’m the one who made the decision to leave, but I honestly felt like it was my only choice at the time.”

  “You could have stayed…with me. I could have helped you.”

  “C’mon, Lucy, let’s be honest. Would you really have wanted me there? Me and a baby to take care of?”

  “Yes.” She turned back and was looking straight at Katie now. “Of course I wanted you there. I took care of you, and I could have taken care of Carly too.”

  “But it wasn’t your responsibility. It was mine…and Rick’s. If it wasn’t for him, I’d—”

  Lucy stopped her by putting a hand on her knee. She could see the emotions building up in Katie and knew it wasn’t good for her. Besides that, she was beginning to wonder if maybe it wasn’t that Katie had left, but how she left and never looked back. “I can see he’s taken good care of the two of you. That’s all that matters now. We should just leave all this behind, at least for now, and focus on what’s ahead of us.”

  Katie grasped Lucy’s hand. “No. There’s something else I have to say to you. I do think I made the right decision back then. But…I know the way I left hurt you.”

  Lucy couldn’t find the words to respond. She was hurt, but she wanted to let it go. To be free from it all.

  “I was immature and ungrateful, and I will never forgive myself for how I treated you, especially after all you did for me, Lucy. For that…I’m really sorry.”

  All Lucy could say was, “I know.” She was confused. She thought about when Katie first left. She was hurtful, but it was more than that. Katie wasn’t just leaving Lucy, she was leaving Lucy to deal with their mother. Alone. It was
the first time Lucy realized her own selfishness. With Katie by her side, she’d had the strength and motivation to make things bearable at home. She was strong for Katie. Once Katie was gone, Lucy’s whole mentality changed, and every day was a struggle. The impact of that insight cranked her heartbeat way up. Her natural fighting instinct kicked in, and she fought back the tears. Instead, she reached out and embraced her sister. “I love you, Katie…and I’m sorry too.”

  Clinging to her big sis, Katie replied in a whisper, “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  “But I do.” Lucy separated herself from Katie but looked her straight in the eyes. “I was selfish. I didn’t want you to go.”

  Katie smiled with understanding.

  “But look at you now. You have this beautiful family.” Her voice was convincing and proud. “And Carly. She’s a happy, healthy little girl. You are doing a great job…and you didn’t need any help from me.”

  “But I do now, Lucy. You were always there for me when I needed you, and you’re here now.”

  “Now…and always, little sis.”

  CHAPTER 34

  Rick had sure earned his husband points that night. After getting all the dishes into the dishwasher and cleaning the table and counters, he successfully got Carly’s teeth brushed and got her into bed. No matter how much of a daddy’s girl she was, Carly always wanted Katie to brush her teeth and tuck her in first. Rick told her she would be helping her mommy a lot if she let him do it this time. He knew Katie would be exhausted and would appreciate swapping bedtime roles with him.

  Rick was the one who usually sat on the couch when it was bedtime and yelled, “Let me know when I’m up.” Which meant he basically wanted to fly in for a quick hug and a kiss when all the logistical stuff was done. There was the last-minute potty trips, the drinks, arrangement of stuffed animals, and whatever else Carly could think of to prolong the inevitable. This wouldn’t be the first time Rick had to take over, though. Carly was quite mature for her age, and she was well aware of the fact that sometimes her mommy wasn’t feeling well enough to do all things she needed and wanted.