“You do know you can’t keep doing this,” I heard him say.
“Do what?”
“Keep working at this pace. I’m worried they’re going to need an empty bed next to Annie at this rate.”
“Mmm,” the lovely tone of his voice was only adding to the comfort and lullaby state I was entering. He might think I was working too hard, but I didn’t. I’d spent years acting like Lady Muck, doing nothing of value or significance but not anymore. I had time to make up for and I was finally doing something rewarding.
“Lottie baby, are you gonna go to sleep without kissing me goodnight?”
“Mmm.”
“Night baby,” he whispered against my cheek and placed a kiss on the corner of my lips, I don’t remember anything after that, dream land took me.
*****
Oli
It was getting more and more difficult to carry on my life from Sunnyside, I’d been delaying and dragging my ass as much as possible, but it was no good, I had to head back to Hawsktown. My businesses were not going to run themselves. Lottie was too fucking busy to think about anything these days but I figure, or rather hope she’ll understand that I can’t be here with her indefinitely. I was putting off having that conversation because I knew there was no way she could come home with me, I couldn’t rationally expect her to choose me, or us, over this place and her rapidly growing responsibilities.
End of subject, there was no choice to be made.
I didn’t know when they’d discharge Annie from the hospital and Lottie was so busy running around that I hadn’t even had chance to tell her about the staff I’d hired to help out around here. I figured Lottie could get them settled and up and running ready for when Annie came home. If Lottie had people here that she could trust to work with Annie, maybe, just maybe she’d think about making the decision to come home.
I’d already left one call for Uncle Davis about the books and accounts for this place, but it was becoming more and more obvious that Annie was just a mother figure here rather than a business owner. Looking back over the business history it became obvious that Paul Groves spent a crazy amount of time making sure this place was solvent and viable. If I didn’t get a grip of this shit quickly, then the whole place could end up in the red and then what would happen to the kids. Maybe this was what Lottie’s dad saw in me, this was the reason he wanted me close to Carter for his trust fund, so I could keep an eye on everything going on behind the scenes. I was perfectly fine with that and if that was the case, it would just cement the big idea I’d had and the plans that were already in the making.
My phone vibrated and came to life on the nightstand, so I bundled up all the papers deciding sleep was in order after I’d dealt with whatever it was.
Jonas: Sheriff is about to make an arrest in the Groves case.
Fuck, more bullshit to deal with.
Me: Who?
Jonas: Pool boy. They’ve got some evidence that places him at the auto shop. Charges may not stick, text you when it happens.
Me: Cheers.
My cell phone began vibrating continuously as I was debating whether to tell Lottie this news, I was leaning towards, no. If it happens then I’ll tell her, but right now she’s got enough on her plate. Climbing out of bed quickly, trying not to wake Lottie, I head for the bathroom to take the call, “Hey dad, how’s things?”
“They’re… difficult son.”
Well that’s a fucking awkward way to start things, as usual, nothing good ever comes from answering your phone late at night, “I don’t follow.”
“There are some rumors going round the country club about you.”
“Aren’t there always, what this time?”
“Your friend Ms Michaels is telling people that you’ve been... rough with her.”
“What?” Jesus, that fucking woman is turning out to be the devil reborn.
“I don’t know the details, I’m trying my best to ignore them, but either way the general consensus is that she’s been an abused bit of side action, whilst Charlotte has been blissfully ignorant, taking up the prime girlfriend slot. It would also seem that she is gaining support and sympathy. That girl is quite the actress.”
“You know she’s full of shit, don’t you dad?”
“I like to think so, but it seems people remember her sporting some serious bruises around the time of Paul and Laura’s wake.”
“Jesus Christ! I do not need this and neither does Lottie.”
“I know I just wanted you to be ready because if she carries on with these accusations, the Sheriff will get involved, he cannot be seen to ignore such things. You may need to come home sooner rather than later.”
“OK, message received and understood,” I replied in frustration.
“Night Oliver, give my regards to Charlotte,” he told me and hung up.
When I went back into the bedroom Lottie was half awake, “Everything OK?” At least I think that’s what she said, her voice was muffled by the pillow she was wrapped around.
“Yeah, go back to sleep.”
What the fuck goes through Claire’s head is beyond me. Apart from the obvious that is, making my life a nightmare, I have no idea what she’s hoping to gain. In very real terms, I’m failing to understand why I put up with her for as long as I did. If the truth be told, rough and dirty anal sex seriously isn’t worth the hassle right now.
I looked back over at my girl, this was something else she didn’t need and there was no way I was going to tell her. In the morning I was going to have to leave her and be deceitful about it, just so I could shelter her from more shit. I fucking promised myself I wouldn’t tell her lies, but I can’t think of any other way to do this, not if I I’m going to get some space to put this shit to bed. It feels conniving and shady to encourage her to stay here, but maybe it is the right thing and taking care of these kids will keep her busy and give me the perfect cover to go home and take care of my past.
My past needs to become the past, and fucking quickly, before I can give this woman all of me, including my future.
Chapter Twenty Eight
Don’t tell me how I knew, but I just knew.
The Oli I woke up to this morning was not the same guy who I saw the previous day or night, he seemed miles away and completely preoccupied. Something had changed, even the way he kissed me this morning was different. It felt tense and routine, not even remotely tender, like the way he kissed me the night before, but I was half asleep and exhausted then so I could be wrong.
The more the time passed, I knew I was right. I could just fucking tell things had changed.
The first giveaway was the way he made love to me, don’t get me wrong it was full of its usual intensity, I’d even say, fantastic, but his eyes were off. Normally, he was all for worshipping and savoring every inch of my body, but this time it was like he couldn’t look at me or maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time. Seeing him consciously have to look away from me to keep his momentum up was awful, not a side of Oli I was used to, it hurt.
Even though it was intense, it lacked his control and demand, it felt like his moves were calculated to provide satisfaction, but there was no heat, intense feeling or explosion. The more I think it over, the more the fucking word duty keeps popping into my head and it’s making me feel queasy. For the first time ever, something was happening that I couldn’t explain, when he was thrusting inside me with a measured percussion it was for him alone and not me and that’s not Oli, he’s not selfish. I tried to demand a bit of ferocity but he wouldn’t concede. All the times we’d made love before had been with an urgency that felt like we couldn’t contain it, our need for each other was so great, like we needed to release the pressure to survive. Now it felt… mundane and like he was bored with me.
I’ve spent hours locked in my own head trying to come up with an explanation, we’re both in strange surroundings, living a temporary life that has been forced upon us, or rather me but I struggled to stop my brain from rushi
ng to the most obvious conclusion, he doesn’t want this.
Just because I was relishing the challenge that this disaster has forced upon me, it didn’t mean that Oli did. I gave him no choice and selfishly carried on regardless.
I wasn’t stupid, a new relationship didn’t need these pressures, but if I walked away from Sunnyside now, I’d be the old Lottie, the Lottie I hated and the girl I’d fought so hard to bury for years. Leaving here now would prove everyone right, but most of all myself and I wouldn’t survive that disappointment. I was tearing my hair out wondering how I was going to survive giving up Oli but for the sake of those around me and myself, I had to let him go and have the life he wanted.
In a heartbeat, I’d made the best decision for him, Oli’s home wasn’t here and neither were his businesses. He’d never asked for this and I wasn’t going to make him choose, or at least verbalize the choice that I know he’s already made.
After breakfast, when all the kids had been dispatched to various learning and education places I decided to talk to him and get it over with, “Can we talk for a minute Oli?” Once again, he was buried under a mountain of paperwork in the small office, next to the kitchen and my immediate problem was that I didn’t know how to go about this. The eye roll I thought I caught him trying to conceal at my disturbance only made me more nervous. Just because it was my decision and I was forcing myself to let him go, didn’t mean it wasn’t going to rip me apart.
“We have about an hour before the new people arrive,” he told me like I was his secretary interrupting him.
“What people?”
“A cook, a care assistant and a qualified care manager.”
“Why?” I asked quietly, feeling put out, this place was my responsibility and he’d obviously intervened because he thought I couldn’t do it myself. I was starting to feel bristled that he hadn’t at least discussed it with me.
“You’re running yourself into the ground. Think back to last night, hell every night this week, you’re virtually collapsing in bed and you need help. Long term, Annie is going to need some help.”
Half of my brain was telling me he was right, the other half was truly fucking annoyed that he felt he had the right to do this and just because I’d been too tired to give him his piece of ass before he went to sleep at night. In true old Lottie style, my pissed off side beat the logically side, “You had no right to make that decision, or any other, without consulting me.”
“Let’s not do this OK?” The response he gave me was not what I was expecting and it was classic Oli answer, the old Oli that would be talking to someone like Claire Michaels. I was expecting him to let me moan for a bit and then make me see sense and reason. In all of this, my main problem was that I couldn’t actually be sure what let’s not do this he was referring to. Was it us he was not planning on doing, or the fight over the hired help? I was rapidly becoming too afraid to find out.
“Look, this isn’t what…. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, I…”
“I get it, it’s time to go. You need to leave, I understand.” I decided to give him his out. I wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty when he finally finished the sentence he was struggling to put together. I refused to be made to feel bad for taking care of the only family I had left.
“I do, but…”
“No, that’s understandable, thanks for doing this with me for as long as you have.” I didn’t need to spell it out to him, it was clear enough and my voice was intentionally controlled, there was no fucking way I was going to let him see how much this was killing me. If there was one part of old Lottie to keep around, it was the façade feature of maintaining dignity.
“Damn it, I didn’t want it to be like this.”
Oh my God, I knew it.
He’d been thinking of ending it, he’d had enough. Sitting here now he was starting to look like a cornered animal and then I realized or remembered rather, Oli doesn’t do this. He doesn’t need to scrape girls off, he just ignores them until they get the message. Clearly it’s pretty fucking difficult to ignore someone when you’re virtually living with them and because of that, his usual tactic wasn’t working. He didn’t how to do this.
He didn’t know how to end us.
“Oli, honestly, it’s fine,” I began, it being so far from fine that I wanted to claw my own fucking heart out of my chest in an effort to stop the pain. I knew my features had taken on the passive, non committal look I used with him so many times in the past, “I shouldn’t have snapped at you about the help, I was being grumpy. Thank you for thinking of it when I didn’t.”
I saw his frame go ram rod straight, “I’m fucking this up. You’re misunderstanding me,” he tried again.
“No, there is nothing to misunderstand and I appreciate you have to get back to the real world and get on with things.”
I saw him breathe a sigh of relief and walk towards me for a hug, “Thanks for this,” he mumbled and enclosed me in his arms. I stuffed my head into his neck and clenched my eyes shut until I was strong enough to face him again. His body felt different now, no longer tense but more relaxed and it hurt that I knew he was feeling such relief at the prospect of escaping me. As I took my last hug and inhaled trying to commit his body’s smell to memory, I looked past him and saw his bag was packed and ready to go. He was already planning this, he was going to go whatever and I just made it easier, I gave him the easiest fucking out ever and he took it with both hands and was running.
The spineless motherfucker knew he was going to have to have some awkward chat or argument, probably destroy me and then walk out, that’s why he was so nervous. I felt sick remembering our love making because it was only that for me, for him it was a goodbye fuck, something to ease his conscience and a duty fuck.
“You’d best get on the road,” I told him sternly because if he didn’t leave soon he’d see what he was clearly expecting, heartbroken Lottie and then he’d have to deal with tears. That was something else he’d never been good at, comforting disappointed girls who couldn’t let go of him.
“We’ll be OK, things will go back to normal soon,” he said with an ease that I knew he believed. Honestly! Talk about twisting the fucking knife, things would never be normal for us.
With my emotions on lock down, I muster up my bravest smile and let him have it. New Lottie does not need a man to define her, especially one that doesn’t want to stick around New Lottie will not beg and plead, it was good, no, fucking amazing whilst it lasted, but once again, the planets or some twisted fucked up version of fate has seen fit to stop me getting my happily ever after.
“Tell Carter I’ll call him soon and I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to say bye in person. Let me know when Annie gets home and I hope the agency send some great staff to help out.” And there it is, his final play, resort to business mode.
“Me too,” I mutter, maintaining the mother of all Groves type control on my limbs, faculties and emotions as he places a kiss on my forehead and leaves Sunnyside buildings for good.
The minute I hear the engine on his Escalade pull away from the curb, I slide down the back of the front door until my body is small enough to fold and hug itself. My efforts to contain the sobs which are competing for escape from my body becomes too much and it’s a fight I can’t win, I let them free and the noise is frightening. Flo always told me that emotions are best dealt with so you can close the door on the hurt and move on. Keeping them inside only makes them fester and shrivel you up from the inside the more you try and bury them. Thank fuck no one is here, I feel and sound like a wild animal. I don’t want these people to see me breakdown like this, these kids have enough to deal with, they don’t need the only responsible adult they have crumbling around them.
It feels like an eternity passes and with each outburst, I say goodbye to him and farewell to my dreams. I hold onto the only positive I can come up with, I’m free to leave Hawkstown.
I’ve been given a chance to make a life with Carter and Annie and I no longer have
to war with myself over choosing them over Oli. I try to be thankful for that.
I wipe my tears away and freshen up my face with enough time to hear the doorbell ring. The new staff has arrived and I’m choosing to see them as the help we need, rather than it being Oli’s attempt at a parting gift. It’s another glimpse of the old Oli, using his money to redeem the guilt over changing his mind about us, an attempt to hide his shame and disgrace after we both declared our love for one another.
The words he said to me, the things he did with me and to my body will be locked away inside my heart for eternity. My only chance of recovery is to focus on the good and throw myself into this life. I refuse to think of it as another new chapter, another new start. I’m sick of new starts and new chapters. Just for once, I’d like to begin one that will stick around and grow with me because in all honesty, I have no idea how people continually pick themselves up, time and time again and I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
“Welcome to Sunnyside,” I say with a smile plastered on my face, opening the door, ready to greet these newcomers to my world.
Chapter Twenty Nine
*****
Oli
“Jesus Christ, she cannot be that busy,” I snapped at my phone as I got Lottie’s voicemail, yet again, when I tried to call her.
“Who?” asked Sonny, we were sitting in Jonas’s back yard, having a few beers after grilling some steaks with the gang. Correction, the gang minus Lottie and it felt just as weird as last time.
“Lottie! Who do you think I mean ass hat?”
“She’s not taking your calls?” chimed in Flo, also clearly surprised. However, what was surprising was how these two seemed to be together constantly. They were practically attached at the hip, for all to see, apart from Sonny. Her nervousness to just go for it, was forever cementing her place in the friend zone.
“Or answering my texts, nothing. She’s not even been there when I’ve skyped Carter. I thought hiring help would help ease shit, guess not.”
Fated Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 3) Page 21