Past Remembering

by Catrin Collier

  ‘I’d be grateful.’ He stepped inside.

  ‘Would you like company?’ Bethan asked Alma tactfully.

  ‘Please.’

  ‘Here let me.’ Diana took Billy, starting as though she’d had an electric shock as Ronnie brushed against her and lifted Eddie from Bethan’s arms.

  ‘We’ll keep everyone out of the way, Beth.’ He walked ahead of Diana into the dining room.

  ‘Tea, Captain? If you’re hungry we can offer you some eggs and fried potatoes.’

  ‘Real eggs?’

  ‘We keep chickens, not that they lay well in this cold weather, but we have some to spare.’

  ‘I can’t remember the last time I ate a real egg.’

  Bethan went to the pantry, took one out of the bowl, thought of Charlie, hoped the captain had brought good news and took two more.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly. You have children.’

  ‘And you fight to protect them.’

  ‘It’s good of you to say so, but I haven’t done much fighting for a while.’ He unbuttoned his greatcoat, folded it neatly and laid it on the end of the bench set before the table. Bethan pulled out the chair closest to the stove for him.

  ‘But you did fight alongside Feodor?’ Alma ventured.

  ‘We occasionally worked together. Are you ill?’ he asked tactfully, glancing at her smock.

  ‘Expecting a baby.’

  ‘Feodor didn’t tell me.’

  ‘I wrote to him, I don’t think he got my letter. Have you heard anything?’ she asked nervously.

  ‘Nothing since he went missing. I can tell you very little about his last known movements or location.’

  ‘I understand. All I want to know is if he’s alive or dead.’

  ‘The truth is, Mrs Raschenko, we simply don’t know. This isn’t an official visit. I had to go to Cardiff on business and I asked the CO if I could stop off here.’

  He opened his briefcase and removed a brown paper parcel. ‘This is everything Feo left behind on the base.’

  Alma’s hands shook as she untied the string and tipped the contents on to the table. It didn’t seem very much to show for a life. A silver cigarette lighter and case. His gold wristwatch. Her photograph in a pocket-sized leather wallet. ‘He didn’t have another one,’ she murmured as she opened it.

  ‘We have a rule, Mrs Raschenko. Nothing personal can be taken on a mission.’

  She put it down and picked up a bundle of letters, including every one she’d written to Charlie since he’d left. All of them were unopened. The topmost envelope was addressed to her in Charlie’s writing.

  ‘Was he in a battle?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘He was captured by the Germans?’

  ‘He worked undercover, but then I think you guessed that much.’

  She nodded.

  ‘He along with several others were betrayed.’

  ‘Then he was captured by the Germans?’

  ‘That’s all I can tell you, Mrs Raschenko.’

  ‘Couldn’t you contact the Red Cross and get confirmation?’ Bethan asked.

  ‘The last thing we want to do is draw attention to him. He wasn’t in uniform.’

  ‘Then he would have been shot as a spy?’ Alma’s eyes were liquid with misery.

  ‘We simply don’t know, and to be honest I doubt that we will until after the war is over.’

  ‘If you don’t mind, I’d like to go upstairs and read the letter.’

  Bethan nodded. ‘Put your coat on, it’s cold up there.’

  ‘I will.’

  Bethan sliced the potatoes and tipped them into the fat she’d heated in the frying pan.

  ‘I wouldn’t have come if I’d known about the baby.’

  ‘Believe me, anything that will alleviate the suspense Alma’s been living in since she got the telegram that Charlie was missing, will help.’

  ‘Charlie?’

  ‘It’s what people called him around here.’

  ‘I didn’t know.’ The captain left his chair, picked up a fork, and turned the potatoes as Bethan beat the eggs. ‘When will the baby be born?’

  ‘Christmas.’

  ‘Will you let me know?’

  ‘If you wish.’

  ‘I’d like to write to the child, send him something to keep for the future.’

  ‘Then you do think Charlie is dead?’

  ‘Like everyone else, I hope, but I’ve worked in the area where he disappeared. I know the circumstances and what he was up against.’

  ‘Then …’

  ‘Please, I can’t say any more than I already have. Feodor was a strong man, a clever man. If it’s possible for anyone to survive, he will.’ He picked up the leather photograph frame. ‘He had a lot to live for,’ he added, almost as an afterthought, unconsciously using the past tense.

  Alma sat huddled into a blanket in a chair in Bethan’s small sitting room. Steeling herself, she opened the letter.

  My darling wife, Alma,

  I am writing this at two in the morning while waiting for my transport out. If you are reading this, something has happened to me, and you will probably not even know that. I have seen horrors in this war that someone as kind, gentle and loving as you, couldn’t even imagine. Savage, inhuman brutality I hope you will never hear about, let alone experience. If I am dead, I will be at peace, remember that, and if I survive I may be forced to return to Russia. If I do, I will never be allowed to return, but I will try to contact you, as I promised, at the end of the war.

  Remember me and our life together from time to time, but only the joy we shared, that way you will be able to find happiness with someone else, just as I found happiness with you after Masha. Please, my darling, try to live every day without sorrow or sadness. I only wish it could have been with me. I want you to think of me as dead from this day on. No plans, no destructive false hope. Above all, I beg you to get on with your own life. Be happy, with Ronnie, if you think he deserves you. If you need help, turn to Evan. Thank you for your love, and the last two days in April that I will treasure for as long as I draw breath. I love you with all my heart and soul, goodbye. Feodor

  ‘Alma?’ Bethan had to call Alma’s name twice before she looked up. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The captain is leaving. Would you like to say goodbye?’

  ‘Will you say it for me?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘And apologise to the others. I think I’d like some time on my own.’

  ‘Of course.’ Bethan closed the door quietly as she left. Alma hadn’t even noticed she’d switched on the electric fire.

  Ronnie was waiting in the hall.

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘She wants to be alone for a while.’

  ‘I can understand that, but if there is anything I can do you’ll let me know?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Jenny, Tina and I are going with the captain. The snow’s getting thicker and he’s offered us a lift down the hill.’

  ‘See you soon?’

  ‘Christmas Day if not before.’ Ronnie kissed Bethan on the cheek. ‘And before I forget, here’s something for my niece.’

  ‘You spoil her. You’ve already given her a doll.’

  ‘You’ll have to put these away for when she’s older.’ He pushed the parcel into Bethan’s apron pocket as the others filed into the hall to get their coats.

  She didn’t remember the parcel until bedtime. When she unwrapped it, she had to bite her lip to stop herself from crying. Maud’s wedding and engagement rings lay together in a small box, and she could only guess at the pain it had cost Ronnie to part with them.

  ‘What time did you say Jane came in?’ Haydn glanced impatiently at the clock. He had taken an early train from London to be sure of arriving in Pontypridd by three o’clock, and had been absolutely furious to discover, not only that his wife wasn’t in his father’s house, but that she was working in munitions, and had taken her one day off
a week, three days before, to go to Bethan’s daughter’s birthday party.

  ‘About five,’ Phyllis answered, ‘but the girls sometimes go for a drink afterwards.’

  ‘In the café?’ Haydn asked suspiciously.

  ‘The White Hart.’

  ‘My wife in a pub!’

  ‘All the girls go there, there’s nothing wrong with it.’

  ‘No? She promised to love, honour and obey me – now I find out that she’s taken a job and hasn’t told me a thing about it. Then you tell me that she goes out drinking with …’

  ‘Workmates?’ Phyllis suggested mildly.

  Haydn looked down at his daughter, who was sitting on his lap cuddling the teddy bear he’d brought her. ‘What I can’t understand is why she didn’t say anything?’

  ‘Perhaps she was afraid you’d disapprove.’

  ‘Too royal. I earn enough to keep her and Anne.’

  ‘Her job isn’t about money, Haydn,’ Phyllis protested. ‘It’s about doing her bit.’

  ‘Isn’t it enough that I toured the front?’

  ‘Not for her. After you left she didn’t know which way to turn. There wasn’t enough to do in the house to keep us both occupied, and then …’ She fell silent, concentrating all her energies on chopping up the lump of tough stewing steak she’d bought.

  ‘What?’

  ‘What I was about to say to you would be overstepping the mark.’ Phyllis was sensitive about the position she occupied in the household. As Evan’s mistress she had no rights, especially when it came to criticising his children.

  ‘You’ve gone this far, you may as well go the whole hog.’

  She took a deep breath and came out with what was on her mind. ‘It’s not easy for a wife not knowing where her husband is, or what he’s doing, but it must be a lot harder seeing his face plastered over the newspaper with two beautiful girls.’

  ‘Jane knew what I did for a living when she married me.’

  ‘If she knew it involved kissing girls for the photographers, she’s a lot more tolerant and understanding than most wives I know.’

  ‘It’s five o’clock. I’ll go down the hill to meet her.’

  ‘You may miss her.’

  ‘How? It’s a straight up and down hill. If I don’t see her on the way, I’ll call into the Hart.’ He picked up his daughter, gave her a kiss and lifted her into her wooden playpen.

  ‘There’s no need to hurry back. I’m making a stew and it can be easily warmed up if you’re not here on time to eat it.’

  ‘We’ll be here.’ Buttoning on his greatcoat he walked out.

  ‘When we started doing this, I thought it was dreadfully daring; now it’s just one more part of the day,’ Jenny said as she walked into the White Hart with Jane, Ronnie and Judy.

  ‘The most welcome part,’ Judy said gleefully.

  ‘Are you girls telling me that I’m going to have to get used to the decadent life?’ Ronnie asked.

  ‘Stick with me and you’ll do all right,’ Judy flirted. She smiled when she saw Alexander talking to the barman. He was dressed in a suit, so she guessed that he’d had the day off. He really had kept to himself since he had fallen from Jenny’s window. As far as she knew, he hadn’t gone out with, or even talked to, any of the other girls. ‘I’ll get them in,’ she offered, eager to reach the bar before anyone else beat her to it. Opening her handbag she stood alongside Alex and dug him in the ribs. ‘Guess who?’ she grinned.

  ‘I was sure it was my turn,’ Jane said as she sat down.

  ‘Never refuse a free drink.’ Maggie took a powder compact and lipstick from her bag, and checked her reflection before adding another coat of bright red vermilion.

  ‘Face powder and lipstick? Wherever did you get it?’ Jenny begged.

  ‘Ask no …’

  ‘Come on. I’d give anything – well, almost anything – for a lipstick.’

  ‘Six tins of fruit?’ Maggie came back sharply.

  ‘Two.’

  ‘Three?’

  ‘Done.’

  ‘Here you are.’ Maggie screwed down the lipstick and handed it over. ‘I’ll pick up the tins on the way up.’

  ‘Seen this one, Jane?’ Sally handed over a newspaper with yet another photograph of Haydn and the Simmonds girls, this time against a London backdrop. The caption read, THEY’RE BACK. ‘You didn’t say he’d finished his tour.’

  ‘Didn’t I?’ Jane answered carelessly, feigning nonchalance to conceal her shock.

  ‘He looks cold, but then he would, wouldn’t he, after living in all those hot countries?’

  ‘I don’t know about cold, Sally, but I wouldn’t mind a pair of gold earrings like the ones those girls are wearing, or one of those fur coats, now that brass monkey weather’s arrived.’

  ‘They look extremely unpatriotic,’ Jenny dismissed. ‘No one should make such a display of themselves when clothes are rationed and there’s barely enough food to put on the table.’

  ‘They could be pre-war,’ Sally suggested.

  ‘And I could be a flying pig.’

  Jane didn’t hear a word they said. She’d had another letter from Haydn yesterday, but like the last time, she’d only read the first paragraph in which he’d complained that he’d received hardly any of her letters. Little did he know that she hadn’t written any for the last two months, for him to receive.

  ‘Here you are, four sherries and two beers.’ Judy dumped them on the table. ‘I’ll just go back and get mine.’

  Jane picked up her sherry and drank it down in one.

  ‘Steady …’ Jenny warned.

  ‘I’m thirsty. Anyone else want another one?’

  ‘I’ll get them,’ Ronnie offered, giving her a sideways look as he walked to the bar.

  ‘I could buy you a new one.’

  ‘I want this one.’

  ‘The lady’s got taste, if you don’t mind me saying so, sir. That’s a fine diamond and it’s cleaned up beautifully. You won’t find quality like that in a new one, not in wartime.’

  ‘You see,’ Myrtle smiled as Huw slipped his mother’s engagement ring on to her finger.

  ‘What do I owe you?’

  ‘It was pleasure to renovate such an outstanding piece,’ the jeweller fawned.

  ‘You expect us to buy the wedding ring from you?’ Huw asked shrewdly.

  ‘Well it just so happens I have one tray left of nonutility, high carat rings.’ He glanced over his shoulder. ‘Twenty-two carat, not nine. Although government regulations force me to stock the utility range, take my word for it, they’re rubbish. But these will last until your golden wedding.’ Like a conjuror producing a rabbit from a hat, he reached under the counter and lifted a velvet stand on to the glass counter.

  ‘They’re beautiful,’ Myrtle gasped.

  ‘Aren’t they?’ The jeweller gloated visibly at his success in hooking and landing his catch.

  ‘Pick whichever you like,’ Huw offered generously.

  ‘You choose,’ Myrtle demurred.

  ‘You know me by now: I’ll go for the most expensive because I’ve been a cheapskate over the engagement ring.’

  ‘If I may suggest -’ the jeweller took the widest band, and incidentally the most expensive, from its bed. ‘It will be a perfect fit, madam.’

  Huw looked down and saw the sparkle in Myrtle’s eyes. It was enough for him. ‘We’ll take it.’

  ‘Huw! You haven’t even asked how much it is.’

  ‘You like it?’

  ‘I love it.’

  ‘Then it’s yours. This was the easy -part. Now we have to face your father,’ he whispered as the jeweller went to look for boxes.

  ‘You know something? For the first time in my life I’m not afraid of him.’

  He smiled at her as he pocketed the ring box. ‘Good, because from now on I’ll allow no one, not even him, to upset you.’

  ‘Jane, let’s go up to my house.’ Jenny tried to stop her from opening her handbag to look for her purse. ‘I’ll
make us some coffee.’

  ‘I don’t want coffee,’ Jane protested noisily.

  ‘What you don’t want is any more to drink.’

  ‘Leave the girl alone,’ Judy interposed, peeved because she’d got absolutely nowhere with Alexander. ‘She’s worked hard and she’s entitled to a bit of fun.’

  ‘She has to work tomorrow, and she can’t do that with a hangover.’ Jenny looked over to the bar, trying to catch Ronnie or Alexander’s eye, but it was hopeless, they were too engrossed in conversation.

  ‘If I want another drink, I’ll have one,’ Jane declared, swaying precariously over the table as she tried to leave her chair.

  ‘I’ll get them.’ Jenny picked up her handbag.

  ‘It’s my round,’ Maggie objected.

  ‘You can catch up tomorrow,’ Making her way to the bar, Jenny reached out to touch Ronnie’s arm just as Alexander moved between them. He turned and stared at her in surprise.

  ‘Jane’s drunk,’ she muttered, but not too low for Ronnie to hear. ‘I think she should go home.’

  ‘Jane?’ Ronnie repeated in astonishment. ‘Quiet, mousy Jane?’

  ‘If you think that, you don’t know her.’

  ‘She’s normally so responsible. What on earth possessed her?’ Alexander asked.

  ‘One of the girls has been plaguing her with photographs of Haydn and his other women.’

  ‘And there’s certainly been enough of those in the papers lately. He’s a dull bugger to pose for them,’ Ronnie flatly condemned his brother-in-law.

  ‘That isn’t going to help me get her home.’

  Alexander looked across to where Jane was holding forth, eyes feverish, hands gesticulating wildly. ‘I’ll slip across to station yard and get a taxi.’

  ‘Would you? I’ll never manage her on my own, and as she’s working tomorrow, she really ought to sleep it off.’

  ‘I’ll give you a hand to get her outside.’ Ronnie returned with her to the table.

  ‘Look girls, a man.’ Maggie grabbed Ronnie’s arm. ‘I was beginning to think you were an extinct breed like the dodos they told us about in school.’

  ‘You’re looking at one of the last who’s brave enough to hazard female company. Sorry, ladies, but I’m going to have to break up this happy gathering. I’m here to escort Mrs Powell to a party.’