“I see”
The large man said:
“Can I see the diamonds?”
“Do you buy diamonds without identification or not?”
I insisted before I saw him anything.
“Yes, I buy diamonds and we can pass over that small issue you have, because I understand how life sometimes can be difficult for people and especially for women.”
The man assured.
I took from the small bag the piece of toilet paper, unwrap it slowly, showing finally my diamond earrings, leaving the bracelet in the bag.
He lean at me to see my earrings and asked if he could hold them to analyze to let me know how much I could get from them.
Trembling I give him my earrings. Holding them he took his time to see them, making me extremely nervous. After five minutes which seem almost an eternity to me, the large man spoke:
“Yes, I can buy them. Of course I can’t pay the same as a normal store as I am doing a risky business here. But I can give you $10,000 for the pair”
He said slowly to be sure I understand.
“Oh my god these earrings were $80,000…”
I couldn’t believe how rob I was feeling right now, and the worse thing is, I don’t have any other option, or I accept or I don’t and I spend another night sleeping on the street.
“Please make at least $20,000. You can easily double the price by reselling the earrings, you know it’s true”
I begged and hoped he would give me a little bit more money for my earrings.
“You are right, but you don’t want to give me your identification I can’t make a better deal, I am sorry”
“Please, please”
I begged again.
“Okay I can give you $15,000, but not a penny more”
I couldn’t beg for more, I knew I needed to accept the price right now.
Finally I said with my words ripped out of my guts.
“Okay, I accept”
It didn’t take long to set the rest of the business, and I left the store with an envelope with the money.
Finally I would have a roof to rest and think about my future. I entered in a clothes store to buy some clothes, I knew my life would never be the same and I would never wear the same expensive and modern clothes I used before, now I was okay with basic clothes and that’s what I bought, I got comfortable clothes and from the supermarket some hygiene basics and some fruit.
Back to the hostel, the receptionist smiled when he saw me again. I negotiate a room for one month, and I got a good deal.
Finally in the room, I took a long shower, when I finally got out I felt much more relieved as a heavy weight was lifted from my body. Although I had bought something to eat, I eat the rest of the sandwich the old lady had given me early in the morning and now it tasted heavenly. Finally seating on the bed I took out the money and saw how much it was, I was aware that it looked like lots of money but I knew it was very easy to spend. In my other life I had that money and more for one month, but now I knew I needed to manage the money carefully, because my life would be very hard from now on.
I had no clue it would be hard as hell.
*****
Chapter 5
Trying to relax on my bed, I looked for the first time at the size of the room, it was really tiny, almost claustrophobic. If I had been in prison, I could swear this room was not bigger then a prison cell.
I think about Junior, what is he doing now? Is he alright? Had he been eating correctly? Is he missing me? How is he handling my disappearance? We had never been apart since he was born and I miss him dearly. Knowing I am not going to see my son anymore, it breaks my heart in pieces, it is the most horrible experience someone can be put through.
I couldn’t avoid but starting to cry desperately, missing my little boy that I love since his first heartbeat and now I will never see him again I wish I would be dead for real, I didn’t know if I would support such pain.
I cried for hours, my heart was shrunken from crying, breathing was hard as hell, I am so tired, my chest was feeling an enormous pressure, and I was in this unspeakable deep pain.
My pain sinks and anger arise, growing with the entire situation I am in, anger for myself because I was not able to fight for me and for my son. But I was irritated especially with Edward, how he could do that to me, using my weakness to fix his damages. Right now I really hated him, but I would never do a thing to him only because of Junior, and he knew that, he thought about everything on forward. How could I be married with that man, a man who was capable to let me die to save himself from bankruptcy, I couldn’t believe it.
I fall asleep full of anger and sadness.
The following days, although all that sadness that was embracing me as a fog in a dark night, I was living this new life and day after day it was becoming almost unbearable, I tried to get up early and search for a job, but it was no help that I did not have any identification and most of the job owners don’t hire people in my conditions.
My life was collapsing emotionally and I knew the money I earned from the diamonds wouldn’t last forever. I still had the bracelet to sell, but would last for a short time.
With no friends, no family, and no one in my life I became extremely lonely, since I am a woman with no identity I haven’t had a warm meal, I don’t feel the need to eat and I find myself going shopping for some groceries only to deceive my stomach, but the only thing I am always eager to buy, is a bottle of wine.
After another painful and unfruitful day, I drown myself in a bottle of wine in an attempt to numb my body and all my sad feelings I have ever since.
Sometimes, when I feel really down, with no clue what to do next, I walk down the street and stop in front of the small but beautiful garden with all these roses, I feel so attracted by the roses and specially to these rare butterflies.
I seat on the grass, still, just watching for hours the most beautiful butterflies flying around me. Sometimes the old lady comes out and gives me a sandwich or a cup with hot soup, but she doesn’t really talks to me. She is the only person who helps and cares about me without asking anything.
After some time, I manage to ask what she does to her garden that is always so beautiful and full of butterflies as I never found any butterfly in any other garden in this neighborhood.
She looked at me with the saddest eyes I ever seen, and she said:
“If I told you, you would say I was crazy like everybody else.”
And again she walked inside her house, shutting the door behind. I didn’t understand the old lady, she was always so kind to me but she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Months after looking for a job, I manage to find a job in a night bar the only place paying cash at the end of each night and didn’t need to know my real name. My job was forcing in a gently way clients to drink and buy me drinks.
At start I hated the job, all that drunken men waiting for an opportunity to touch my butt, and I couldn’t do anything, they were always asking me out for intimacy. It was very hard to stand it, they were absolutely disgusting, but after a while I didn’t care anymore, I knew I was resignedly to this miserable life.
I deserve it.
Spending nights drinking with clients became a routine to me, and each night I supported everything after I started to feel numb from the alcohol. It didn’t took long until I arrived at work already with a bottle of wine in my stomach, this way I could keep going on throughout the night. Every time I left the bar I was completely intoxicated and without my brain working properly I started to steal a bottle of alcohol, it didn’t matter of bottle it was.
My emptiness was filled with everything that could numb me, because I only wanted to stop feeling something.
I woke each day knowing my destiny was now this miserable life, without the opportunity to be happy ever again. How could I, if I could never see my son again.
I am guilty for this life I am having now, but I deserve to be unhappy because I couldn’t be strong enough to fight
for my son and for me in that night I faked willingly my own dead.
In some days I was able to remember my son’s face and sadness overcome my heart and I needed to walk down the street and find some piece inside me, when I couldn’t bear a drop of alcohol anymore, I needed to see and be in that beautiful garden always with that magical butterflies.
After a couple of years, I gain courage and asked the old lady again why she was the only one having these magnificent and magic butterflies flying in her garden, and again she gave me the same answer:
“If I told you, you would say I was crazy like everybody in the neighborhood.”
She was about to walk from me again, like she always does, but I hold gently her arm and she stopped.
“Please tell me why, why do I find a little bit of piece when I am here. I promise I won’t doubt anything you say to me.”
She sighs for a second and said slowly measuring every word.
“Many years ago, I had a baby boy”
She stops, sighs again catching breathe and continues:
“And one day he dies…my baby was cremated… but I couldn’t bear having him inside my house. I spread his ashes in the roses and after a while my roses become the most beautiful flowers I ever seen and I never stopped having butterflies flying around.”
She stopped again for a few seconds.
“Do you think it’s related?”
I was intrigued.
“I am sure, and when I started saying what I did and that all these beautiful butterflies are my baby boy’s soul flying around to my neighbors, they started to call me crazy. And I never talked to them again.”
A moment of lucidity mixed with hallucination because of the alcohol, I grabbed gently the old lady’s hands, and said:
”I believe you, because I had a son too and he died. I feel something here, I don’t know what, and maybe it’s your son and my son. I don’t know, but each time I am here something is here.”
The old lady looked at me, gives me a sad smile and walked in silence into her house.
*****
Chapter 6
Years had gone by…
And my life was almost still the same, I got fired from the bar after the owner found out I was drinking more than his clients. Alone without a job and no money, I was living some days on the street and others I ended intoxicated in some ones bed without knowing who he was and I didn’t care, I had everything I needed, a bed to sleep, a shower in the morning and a bottle of wine for the day.
Sometimes I woke up with some bruises in my arms and legs, I knew the guy I ended up last night was being rough with me, sometimes I even got beaten up, but I didn’t care, probably I deserve it.
One day one of the guys who was constantly at the bar and was always inviting me to go out, he recognized me on the street and took me to his small flat, letting me staying there, forcing me to have sex with him and clean his flat in exchange of a bed, shower and a daily bottle of wine.
Brian was never satisfied with me, and everything was an argument to hit me, at first he was only screaming at me all the time, escalating to slaps in my face on a regular basis, but lately he likes to beat me when I am completely intoxicated when I can’t defend myself, and the next day I can barely walk. He leaves me alone in the flat for a few days and then he returns when I am better, repeating the forced sex and the beating again.
Every time I was to sick of him, and I think I am in my limit because I can’t bear him and this miserable life anymore, I fight deep inside to find myself for short periods of time, and I go to the old ladies house. She was now too old to come outside and take care of her garden. Although we don’t talk much, we only need each other’s presence and a cup of hot tea, sometimes she offers me some food which I appreciate, but I never asked.
Although she see’s my bruises in my body, she never says a thing, I have comfort being near her and her garden. Now 20 years after, I come over whenever I am sober to gardening and I take especially care of the beautiful roses.
This is the only place I feel in peace and I take my time in the garden appreciating all the colorful and delicate butterflies, they remembered me my little boy, they fly always so carefree and playful around me, sometimes I have the feeling they challenge me to play with them, but just watching they give me for brief moments a hint of joy.
Although I know she has the door during the day unlocked, I knock always before entering. Inside her house was old like her and very small, everything was really tiny and neatly organized.
The door gives directly to the little living room, but she was not seating on her old sofa watching TV like she usually is. I entered without doing any noise in her only small bedroom and she is lying there, I said hello, but she didn’t wake up. Slowly I walked next to the bed and I touched her, she was cold and her face was weird pale.
In shock I realized she was dead, the only friend I had on earth is now gone and I was alone again, but at least she is not in pain anymore, now she can rest in peace. I was not sad for her dead, because I knew her time had come, but now I didn’t had anyone anymore, no safe port to go. I knew she had a daughter, I called her and said what happened, I walked away after her daughter arrived with a few coins I found on the old lady kitchen table, I never took anything from her, but now it would not make any difference to her anymore.
My first stop was at the liqueur store and I bought as usual a bottle of cheap wine, starting drinking from the bottle as soon I paid.
I didn’t want to go back to the flat, I knew already what was expecting me, so I drank a bottle of wine to honoring my only friend I just lost. I don’t need a lot of wine to get intoxicated anymore and soon I started dragging my skeleton along filthy streets full of rubbish and trashy people in the worst neighbourhood to numb my sadness and forgetting what I knew was only extending the inevitable.
I open my eyes and I am still in bed, feeling sick I searched anyway for a bottle of wine next to the bed and take my first sip of the day, I needed to stay numb all day long. I just want stop feeling anything, today was a difficult day for me.
I was alone in the world.
Stuffed in a small and filthy flat full of cockroaches with a man who takes pleasure forcing intimacy and beats me up for fun, I only want wine to forget I still breathe, and if kills me the next time he beats me I appreciate it because it will end with my despair.
Brain, as I expected started yelling at me while I was still in bed. Every day he has a new argument to beat me up, I just wish he can ends with my life as soon as possible, I am too tired to continue living. Screaming at me, I was still in bed coughing and ignoring him, he got upset easily and right away he starts hitting me with his hands, with his fists, and I didn’t move from where I was nor defended myself or screamed from pain. When he saw it wasn’t taken the desired effect, making me scream and cry, he takes his belt and starts hitting me with it. It hurts like hell and I felt my skin ripped off.
I hate him so much right now, and if you don’t kill me right away I will kill him. He kept hitting me with the belt, with a quick movement I took the empty bottle of wine and hit him with all my strength in his head, making him falling instantly on the bed sprouting blood from an open wound.
Brian was on the bed motionless and I didn’t know if he was unconscious or dead, I hoped it was the last option because right now I want him dead, I hate him so much.
Slowly I approached him, I needed to certify if he was still breathing, but for my relief he wasn’t. I called the police, I knew I was going to prison because I killed a man, but at least there I had a place to stay and a warm meal.
As I predicted the police arrived soon enough with giving me time to put my mouth in another bottle of wine, they arrested me, but I didn’t care.
*****
Chapter 7
At the police station, they put me in interrogation room and tried to get information out of me to know what happen in that filthy flat, they wanted to know my name, and who I was, but how could I say to t
hem who I was, if I don’t remember anymore, I forgot my real name, visible tired I remain in silence.
Without having any additional information about me, not even after they search the flat, they decide to take my finger prints, I was hoping they couldn’t find anything, I knew I wasn’t in any police database.
Feeling sick I don’t know if it’s because of the hangover or anything else, but I was sitting on the chair and I was feeling my body shooting down, all voices sounded more and more distant and my vision become blurry, I start faint slowly away.
When the police officer noticed, I was unconscious lying on the floor, he called for help and I was taken to the hospital.
Three days had gone and finally I woke up, I was still in a hospital bed, and as soon I woke up the doctor came and talked to me:
“Do you know where you are?”
He asked gently.
I nod affirmative.
“Can I ask your name please?”
I looked down and kept in silence, after a few minutes without any answer, the doctor continued:
“That’s okay if you don’t want to tell, we treat everyone here and you are no exception. But you shall now that the police asked us to take a sample of your blood to run it, but they couldn’t find anything.”
He sat on the edge of the bed and continued slowly.
“You know that you have been severe beaten, don’t you?”
I nod with my head confirming.
“Can I hear your voice?”
He asked.
I looked down and kept in silence.
“Okay, okay. We took already care of all wounds, however the reason for you having passed out, was malnutrition, when was last time you have eaten anything?”
I looked down again, because I couldn’t even remember when I had my last warm meal. As I remain in silence the doctor continued:
“We have already taking care of you, with intravenous. But we are really concerned about your liver – this organ is to damage and is shooting down. If you sign a declaration of intention that you will never touch a drop of alcohol, we can put you on the national transplant list, you don’t have much time to think about it. Here is the paper, please sign it. Now I have to sign you out, as you need to go back to prison.”
The Butterfly Garden Page 3