Let It Be Me

by Barbara Speak

  "I have to know before then. I have to plan this perfectly. My dad is only getting more powerful."

  "You've always gotten your way, Kale, but this time I need to be the one to decide and you have to let me. Your life will be fine no matter what. If I make one wrong move I—"

  "I won't let that happen."

  He took another step but this time I let him. He lifted my chin and I could feel his breath hit my lips right before headlights turned into the park shining right on us. I backed away from Kale and put my hand over my eyes trying to block the light so I could see who it was. Panic—pure, blood-curdling panic—went through my veins as I focused in on the one truck that held the man who changed everything for me.

  "Who the fuck is that?"

  Kale was standing next to me and I wished more than anything he wasn't. I didn't know what to do. Should I have left him and walked up to the truck? Yes. Did I? No. I got about halfway between the two and stopped. Torn, I just stood there like an idiot. I couldn't choose. Unfortunately, Canyon made the choice for me. I heard the truck change gears before it backed up and pulled away. Dropping to my knees, I openly sobbed, screamed at the top of my lungs and clawed my nails into the grass trying to get a grip on what I just lost.

  Kale came up from behind me and sat down next to me in the grass.

  "What just happened?"

  I didn't want to tell him anything. I wanted Canyon as far away from all of this as possible. What he and I shared was none of Kale's business.

  "Take me to my truck."

  "What? No. We have to figure this out together. What we do next could—"

  "Take me to my God damned truck, Kale!"

  I got up and stormed to his car, opened the door, got in and slammed it closed behind me. I waited as he stood in the middle of the park, not budging an inch. I wasn't either. In fact, after five minutes of sitting there, I got out and started walking.

  "Where are you going? Arianna, wait, I will drive you."

  I didn't stop. I was determined to get to my truck if it was the last thing I did. I heard the car start behind me but at this point I was to the top of the hill and more pissed than ever at myself. How could I let this happen? I made it halfway down the hill before Kale pulled beside me. The window rolled down and then Kale leaned his head out.

  "Just get in. I’ll take you to that piece of shit if that's what you really want." I wasn't sure I if wanted to be anywhere near Kale at this point. The only thing I was focused on was getting to Canyon. "Would you quit being so stubborn?"

  He jerked the wheel, pulling the car across a lane of traffic and onto the shoulder of the road I was using to walk. I got in but I didn't say a word to him. We pulled back into the gas station and there was my truck, in the same place I left it. I had never been so happy to see that piece of crap in my life. I opened the door to get out when he opened his at the same time which I didn't understand.

  "What are you doing?"

  He looked at me like I lost my mind.

  "What do you mean ‘what am I doing’? What is going on with you? You're acting crazy. I just flew for five hours and drove for another three! You haven't seen me in months. What the hell is going on?"

  I didn't know what to say other than, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you right now but you have to understand. You haven't tried to contact me once, Kale! Not once! How did you even find me?"

  "I went through my dad's computer. He had it in a locked file that I broke into."

  "He had what?"

  "The name John used to wire the money to. The banking information was there after a lot more digging. He bought the house with the money."

  "So they know where I am? I thought the whole point of this was for me to disappear. Anyone can find me?"

  "No. Like I said, that file was locked. I am the only one who knows the password he would use. You're safe. I promise."

  "How do you know someone else won't figure it out?"

  "Because no one would guess the name of the turtle he got for me when I was five. Seriously, you're good."

  "Kale, I am so scared and confused right now. I love you but you need to give me space. I need to figure this out on my own."

  "I have a room booked in Helena for the night. I can extend it until Friday. You have until then to let me know. I will meet you back here at the park around seven o'clock. Please don't make the wrong choice."

  He got back in the car, put it in reverse, pulled back out on the road, and drove away. The fact my birthday was on Friday didn't even come from his mouth which meant neither man in my life knew just how epic this birthday was going to be.

  Chapter 22

  I couldn't help the tears that were falling as I drove to his house. I continued to wipe them away but more came. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him and I had done just that.

  I cut the lights as I pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine once I came to a stop. Sitting there, I tried to come up with what I should say but the words never came to me. I seemed to be having that problem a lot.

  Eventually, I left the confines of my truck and walked around to the back of the house. The porch light was on but Canyon wasn't sitting there like I expected. I climbed the steps and entered the screened in area but couldn't bring myself to open the door to the kitchen.

  He'd once told me I was no stranger and that knocking only proved to be for those who were, but in that moment I felt it wasn't my right to enter without it.

  I raised my hand, ready to bang against the glass when the door opened. Canyon stood stock still glaring at me.

  "Can I come in?"

  "I don't think that's a good idea."

  "Please, Canyon, I have so much to explain."

  "Now you want to tell me? I have given you all the space in the world to come to me when you were ready and you choose now, seriously? Guilt doesn't help ease a situation, Ari. I think you better go."

  He started to close the door when I screamed, "PLEASE! DON'T DO THIS."

  "I'm not the one who did this. You are."

  "As if I haven't heard that enough in my life. You don't understand. It's far more complicated than you realize."

  "You're right. I don't realize anything but the fact that my girlfriend was about to kiss another guy had I not pulled up when I did. Did I get any part of that wrong?"

  I shook my head back and forth thinking, how did I screw this up so bad? "If you give me fifteen minutes of your time and want me to leave I will."

  "What, and go running back to whoever that was? Why don't you go now?"

  "Because I love you!"

  He tilted his head back and laughed. Laughed! "That's convenient. You’ve chosen now? You have to be kidding me."

  The tears weren't coming by choice. If anything, this entire moment of my life was humiliating. So much so, that I had had enough.

  "I may have kept things from you but I never intentionally hurt you the way you just hurt me."

  I turned around and ran down the steps going straight to my car. After I got in, I started the engine but had no idea where to go, so I simply put my head on the steering wheel and cried. My entire body shook as I thought about just how badly I screwed thing up.

  A knock on my window scared the crap out of me. I jumped, nailing the back of my head on the rear view mirror and watched it fall to the floor board.

  Canyon opened my door and said five words I will never forget, "Your fifteen minutes start now," before he walked away.

  I only allowed myself to be aggravated with his attitude for a second before I jumped out of the cab and ran after him. I knew my chance with him was gone but there was still room for hope that forgiveness could be given and I needed that.

  I made it to the back of the house just as he sat down in his chair on the porch. Climbing those stairs I kept telling myself that I had one chance at this and I didn't want to screw this up too.

  I sat down on the floor in front of him leaning against the outer wall and took a deep breath before I
spilled my soul.

  "The truth is, there is still so much I can't tell you but I'm going to try and do my best." I was picking at my nails doing anything to not have to look at him as I said the next part. "That guy I was with, his name is Kale Thompson. His father is Michael Thompson, the Governor of Massachusetts, and the Republicans hope for President. I've been with Kale since my freshman year, just after I turned fourteen." I glanced up, gauging his reaction and noticed his hands were in fists. Nothing about this was easy for either of us.

  "My life was a lot different from what it is now. I used to go to a private school and had pretty much everything I wanted." I didn't want to cry again. If anything, I wanted to stay calm and focused so he would hear what I was trying to explain but what I told him next was harder than I ever realized. "I saw something really bad. That's the part I can't tell you about but what happened after that cost me and my family everything. It's not that I'm not ready to tell you, I physically can't. Too many bad people are attached to this. We lost our house, Canyon, John lost his job, I lost my life as I knew it and had no choice in any of it."

  I wiped away the tears that fell, trying to keep some composure but I knew what I was about to say would hurt him the most. Reminding him of what he saw was not something I ever wanted to do but I needed him to understand I didn't plan any of this.

  "I went in town tonight for gas. I didn't know Kale would be there. I never in million years thought I would see him here. You have to believe me..."

  Canyon jumped up from his chair as started pacing the room. "Do you have any idea how scared I was? I sat in this house waiting for you to come back and then in my truck trying to convince myself not to go to your house and kill that son-of-a-bitch for not letting you leave. I told myself it wouldn't matter if I went to jail if something happened to you and I didn't do anything to stop it." He stopped pacing and knocked his hat to the ground as he ran his hands back and forth over his face and hair. "I drove to your house, only you weren't there. I spent the next twenty minutes covering every street we have in this town."

  He crouched down next to me and looked me in the eye, making sure I heard this next part loud and clear. "Can you even imagine how I felt when I finally saw your truck at the gas station? Or how about when I pulled up and noticed the driver’s side door was slightly open, the keys were still in the ignition, the radio was left on, your purse was lying on the seat, but you were nowhere to be found. Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was?"

  He stood up and started pacing back and forth again with his hands opening and closing into fists, more angry than I have ever seen him.

  "Then Chelsey told me you got in some stranger’s car and said something about going to the park. I was terrified! I thought something bad was happening to you. You keep so many damn secrets from me I had no idea what was going on. Can you even imagine what it felt like for me when I saw you with him? Of course you can't. Because I would never do that to you!"

  I stood up and walked over to him forcing myself to stand strong no matter what. "For what it's worth, I am sorry. I didn't do any of this to hurt you."

  "But you did."

  "I can't change anything that happened tonight and you may never look at what we had the same but I want you to know that what you did for me these last couple of months will be something I never forget. I will always be thankful for what you gave me back."

  I turned away from him and walked down each step with purpose. I couldn't force him to forgive any hurt that I caused him but at least he knew what he meant to me. As my feet hit the dirt I looked out at the barn and thought about all the animals I had grown to love as well. I wished I had the time to say goodbye to each and every one of them but my time there was over.

  "Do you love him?"

  I didn't expect the question but also I didn’t hesitate when I turned to answer. I was done with the lies. They destroy everything. "Yes."

  He looked as though I just stabbed him in the heart. "You said you love me?"

  "Yes."

  "How is that possible? How can you not even see that guy for months and say that you feel the same way about him as you do me?"

  "That's not what I said at all. You asked if I love him, not if I felt the same way. The two of you are so different there is no way to compare."

  "Are you leaving with him? You said you didn't know where you were you going when you leave. Was that all a lie?"

  "No, I still haven't made up my mind. I don't know what I'm going to do. Either way I'm hurting somebody I love."

  I walked away not wanting to let him see me fall apart. I was almost to the back of the house when I felt his arms suddenly wrapped around me. I hadn't realized just how much I needed his touch until he engulfed me within it.

  "Don't go."

  My body went limp. I gave into the want I felt for him. The need that took me over when I was in his arms. As convinced as I was that leaving would be the best thing for him, something in that moment let me know he would rather go down fighting with me by his side than let me walk away.

  He spun me in his arms and looked me in the eye. "I may look like a pathetic fool for saying this but I don’t care. I'm not ready to let you go. Please, just stay with me tonight."

  His lips touched my forehead first. Softly he let them trail down to the tip of my nose as the calluses on his fingers lifted my chin. I closed my eyes and felt his lips graze across mine. The taste of him brought me back home. I felt his hands across my back at the same time his tongue caressed mine. I was so completely lost in his kiss that I hadn't realized his hands had traveled down under my butt until he picked me up, never breaking his lips away from mine.

  My legs wrapped around his waist at the same time my hands went to the back of his head pulling him even closer to me. He carried me up the steps, into the house, up into his room and slowly laid me down on my back across his bed.

  I broke away from his lips, panting from the adrenaline coursing through my veins as I pushed him slightly up. With the bottom of my shirt in my hands, I pulled it over my head, leaving me for the first time exposed.

  I heard Canyon suck in his breath as his eyes took me in. The low amount of light coming from the porch seeped into the window adding only a soft glow to the otherwise dark room. His hands slowly came down over my breasts and then hovered as if he was unsure if he could touch them. I didn't want any doubt in his mind so I brought my hands up to cover his and led them down to me. He cupped both of them and squeezed at the same time he crashed his lips back down to mine.

  I felt his weight on the bed and opened my legs for him to find his place next to me. I began to rock against him, needing to release what was building up within me. He pushed himself firmer against me as he slid my bra cups to the side to touch my nipples for the first time.

  "Canyon, I want you."

  He didn't stop rubbing all over me but he slowed down. "I want you too, darlin’, but I need to know you’re not going to give me all of you and then walk away from me."

  I wanted to tell him I would never do that but I wouldn't lie to him and break his heart for an orgasm or more so a selfish memory to hold on to. I stopped moving my body but instead grabbed on to his back and pulled him down on me. I needed to feel him close as I wrapped my arms around his back and began to rub my nails lightly across his skin.

  "I don't want to make promises I can't keep. What I want is to share in something neither of us will ever forget. Can't that be enough?"

  He pushed up to look me in the eye. "No amount of time will ever be enough with you, Ari."

  He leaned forward and kissed me softly before he moved lower so he could lay his head on my stomach and at the same time he wrapped his arms around me pulling me to him. I stared at the ceiling as I ran my fingers through his hair until his breathing leveled out and I knew he was asleep. It didn't take long before I closed my eyes and gave into the night.

  I awoke several hours later when I thought I heard something and realized Canyon was no longe
r with me.

  Sitting up on the bed, I grabbed for my shirt and pulled it over my head determined to follow the sound I had quickly identified once I had woken up enough to focus. He was singing again. I made my way down the steps, through the family room and into the kitchen listening to one of the saddest songs I had ever heard.

  Looking out through the glass encased within the back door I could see him play and it was beautiful. I wasn't familiar with the song so I focused instead on what he was saying. The words ripped me to shreds.

  They talked about being a fool for holding on to someone when you know they are still thinking of someone else. Hoping that someday they will let go and see that the love right in front of them is more than they will ever know to understand.

  I couldn't take any more of just standing in the dark hearing him pour his heart out.

  I had grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch as I passed by it and wrapped it around me sheltering me from the cold. Using it now for security I clenched onto it as I opened the door to the patio. Slowly, I moved toward him, never breaking stride until I sat down in the chair beside him.

  I expected him to stop immediately when he saw me but instead he looked me straight in the eye as he continued to play. The first time he was willing to bear his soul to me without any fear was the very moment I decided what I needed to do.

  The last words were sung while a single tear fell down Canyon's face. He wiped it away before he took the guitar from his lap and rested it against the wall next to him without saying a word.

  "What's the name of that song?"

  "’Don't Close Your Eyes’. A man named Keith Whitley sang that a long time ago. It never meant much to me until now."

  "I can see why."

  I got up from my seat and moved to stand in front of him. I lifted my right leg, placing my knee on his left side and then followed with my left leg. I sat in his lap resting my weight on his knees and looked straight into his eyes. I could see his hope dying through his stare. I couldn't put either of us through this any longer.