Gift-Wrapped & Toe-Tagged: A Melee of Misc. Holiday Anthology

by Dr. Freud Funkenstein, ed.

  Statute enacted by the General Court of

  Massachusetts, May 1659, repealed 1681

  ‘TWAS THE NIGHT before Christmas. Silent night, holy night. The snow lay deep and crisp and even. Etc. etc. etc.; let these familiar words conjure up the traditional anticipatory magic of Christmas Eve, and then—forget it.

  Forget it. Even if the white moon above Boston Bay ensures that all is calm, all is bright, there will be no Christmas as such in the village on the shore that now lies locked in a precarious winter dream.

  (Dream, that uncensorable state. They would forbid it if they could.)

  At that time, for we are talking about a long time ago, about three and a quarter hundred years ago, the newcomers had no more than scribbled their signatures on the blank page of the continent that was, as it lay under the snow, no whiter nor more pure than their intentions.

  They plan to write more largely; they plan to inscribe thereon the name of God.

  And that was why, because of their awesome piety, tomorrow, on Christmas Day, they will wake, pray and go about their business as if it were any other day.

  For them, all days are holy but none are holidays.

  New England is the new leaf they havejust turned over; Old England is the dirty linen their brethren at home have just—did they not recently win the English Civil War? -- washed in public. Back home, for the sake of spiritual integrity, their brothers and sisters have broken the graven images in the churches, banned the playhouses where men dress up as women, chopped down the village Maypoles because they welcome in the spring in altogether too orgiastic a fashion.

  Nothing particularly radical about that, given the Puritans’ basic premises. Anyone can see at a glance that a Maypole, proudly erect upon the village green as the sap is rising, is a godless instrument. The very thought of Cotton Mather, with blossom in his hair, dancing round the Maypole makes the imagination reel. No. The greatest genius of the Puritans lay in their ability to sniff out a pagan survival in, say, the custom of decorating a house with holly for the festive season; they were the stuff of which social anthropologists would be made!

  And their distaste for the icon of the lovely lady with her bonny babe—Mariolatry, graven images! -- is less subtle than their disgust at the very idea of the festive season itself. It was the festivity of it that irked them.

  Nevertheless, it assuredly is a gross and heathenish practice, to welcome the birth of Our Saviour with feasting, drunkenness, and lewd displays of mumming and masquerading.

  We want none of that filth in this new place.

  No, thank you.

  As midnight approached, the cattle in the byres lumbered down upon their knees in homage, according to the well-established custom of over sixteen hundred English winters when they had mimicked the kneeling cattle in the Bethlehem stable; then, remembering where they were in the nick of time, they hastily refrained from idolatry and hauled themselves upright.

  Boston Bay, calm as milk, black as ink, smooth as silk. And suddenly, at just the hour when the night spins on its spindle and starts to unravel its own darkness, at what one could call, elsewhere, the witching hour—

  I saw three ships come sailing in,

  Christmas Day, Christmas Day,

  I saw three ships come sailing in

  On Christmas Day in the morning.

  Three ships, silent as ghost ships; ghost ships of Christmas past.

  And what was in those ships all three?

  Not, as in the old song, “the Virgin Mary and her baby”; that would have done such grievous damage to the history of the New World that you might not be reading this in the English language even. No; the imagination must obey the rules of actuality. (Some of them, anyway.) Therefore I imagine that the first ship was green and leafy all over, built of mossy Yule logs bound together with ivy. It was loaded to the gunwales with roses and pomegranates, the flower of Mary and the fruit that represents her womb, and the mast was a towering cherry tree which, now and then, leaned down to scatter ripe fruit on the water in memory of the carol that nobody in New England now sang. The Cherry Tree Carol, that tells how, when Mary asked Joseph to pick her some cherries, he was jealous and spiteful and told her to ask the father of her unborn child to help her pick them—and, at that, the cherry tree bowed down so low the cherries dangled in her lap, almost.

  Clinging to the mast of this magic cherry tree was an abundance of equally inadmissible mistletoe, sacred since the dawn of time, when the Druids used to harvest it with silver sickles before going on to perform solstitial rites of memorable beastliness at megalithic sites all over Europe.

  Yet more mistletoe dangled from the genial bundle of evergreens, the kissing bough, that invitation to the free exchange of precious bodily fluids.

  And what is that bunch of holly, hung with red apples and knots of red ribbon? Why, it is a wassail bob.

  This is what you did with your wassail bob. You carried it to the orchard with you when you took out a jar of hard cider to give the apple trees their Christmas drink. All over Somerset, all over Dorset, everywhere in the apple-scented cider country of Old England, time out of mind, they souse the apple trees at Christmas, get them good and drunk, soak them.

  You pour the cider over the tree trunks, let it run down to the roots. You fire off guns, you cheer, you shout. You serenade the future apple crop and next year’s burgeoning, you “wassail” them, you toast their fecundity in last year’s juices.

  But not in this village. If a sharp smell of fruit and greenery wafted from the leafy ship to the shore, refreshing their dreams, all the same, the immigration officials at the front of the brain, the port of entry for memory, sensed contraband in the incoming cargo and snapped: “Permission to land refused!”

  There was a furious silent explosion of green leaves, red berries, white berries, of wet, red seeds from bursting pomegranates, of spattering cherries and scattering flowers; and cast to the winds and scattered was the sappy, juicy, voluptuous flesh of all the wood demons, tree spirits and fertility goddesses who had ever, once upon a time, contrived to hitch a ride on Christmas.

  Then the ship and all it had contained were gone.

  But the second ship now began to belch forth such a savoury aroma from a vent amidships that the most abstemious dreamer wrinkled his nose with pleasure. This ship rode low in the water, for it was built in the unmistakable shape of a pie dish and, as it neared shore, it could be seen that the deck itself was made of piecrust just out of the oven, glistening with butter, gilded with egg yolk.

  Not a ship at all, in fact, but a Christmas pie!

  But now the piecrust heaved itself up to let tumbling out into the water a smoking cargo of barons of beef gleaming with gravy, swans upon spits and roast geese dripping hot fat. And the figurehead of this jolly vessel was a boar’s head, wreathed in bay, garlanded in rosemary, a roasted apple in its mouth and sprigs of rosemary tucked behind its ears. Above, hovering a pot of mustard, with wings.

  Those were hungry days in the new-found land. The floating pie came wallowing far closer in than the green ship had done, close enough for the inhabitants of the houses on the foreshore to salivate in their sleep.

  But then, with one accord, they recalled that burnt offerings and pagan sacrifice of pig, bird and cattle could never be condoned. In unison, they rolled over on to their other sides and turned their stern backs.

  The ship span round once, then twice. Then, the mustard pot swooping after, it dove down to the bottom of the sea, leaving behind a bobbing mass of sweetmeats that dissipated itself gradually, like sea wrack, leaving behind only a single cannonball of the plum-packed Christmas pudding of Old England that the sea’s omnivorous belly found too much, too indigestible, and rejected it, so that the pudding refused to sink.

  The sleepers, freed from the ghost not only of gluttony but also of dyspepsia, sighed with relief.

  Now there was only one ship left.

  The silence of the dream lent this apparition an especial eerines
s.

  This last ship was packed to the gunwales with pagan survivals of the most concrete kind, the ones in—roughly—human shape. The masts and spars were hung with streamers, paperchains and balloons, but the gaudy decorations were almost hidden by the motley crew of queer types aboard, who would have been perfectly visible from the shore in every detail of their many-coloured fancy dress had anyone been awake to see them.

  Reeling to and fro on the deck, tumbling and dancing, were all the mummers and masquers and Christmas dancers that Cotton Mather hated so, every one of them large as life and twice as unnatural. The rouged men dressed as women, with pillowing bosoms; the clog dancers, making a soundless rat-a-tat-tat on the boards with their wooden shoes; the sword dancers whacking their wooden blades and silently jingling the little bells on their ankles. All these riotous revellers used to welcome in the festive season back home; it was they who put the “merry” into Merry England!

  And now, horrors! they sailed nearer and nearer the sanctified shore, as if intent on forcing the saints to celebrate Christmas whether they wanted to or no.

  The saint the Church disowned, Saint George, was there, in paper armour painted silver, with his old foe, the Turkish knight, a chequered tablecloth tied round his head for a turban, fencing with clubs as they used to every Christmas in the Old Country, going from house to house with the mumming play that was rooted far more deeply in antiquity than the birth it claimed to celebrate.

  This is the plot of the mumming play: Saint George and the Turkish knight fight until Saint George knocks the Turkish knight down. In comes the Doctor, with his black bag, and brings him back to life again—a shocking mockery of death and resurrection. (Or else a ritual of revivification, depending on one’s degree of faith, and also, of course, depending on one’s degree of faith in what.)

  The master of these floating revels was the Lord of Misrule himself, the clown prince of Old Christmas, to which he came from fathoms deep in time. His face was blackened with charcoal. A calf’s tail was stitched on to the rump of his baggy pants, which constantly fell down, to be hitched up again after a glimpse of his hairy buttocks. His top hat sported paper roses. He carried an inflated bladder with which he merrily battered the dancing heads around him. He was a true antique, as old as the festival that existed at midwinter before Christmas was ever thought of. Older.

  His descendants live, all year round, in the circus. He is mirth, anarchy and terror. Father Christmas is his bastard son, whom he has disowned for not being obscene enough.

  The Lord of Misrule was there when the Romans celebrated the Winter Solstice, the hinge on which the year turns. The Romans called it Saturnalia and let the slaves rule the roost for the duration, when all was topsy-turvy and almost everything that occurred would have been illegal in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts at the time of the ghost ships, if not today.

  Yet from the phantom festival on the bedizened deck came the old, old message: during the twelve days of Christmas, nothing is forbidden, everything is forgiven.

  A merry Christmas is Cotton Mather’s worst nightmare.

  If a little merriment imparts itself to the dreams of the villagers, they do not experience it as pleasure. They have exorcised the vegetables, and the slaughtered beasts; they will not tolerate, here, the riot of unreason that used to mark, over there, the inverted season of the year when nights are longer than days and the rivers do not run and you think that when the sun sinks over the rim of the sea it might never come back again.

  The village raised a silent cry: Avaunt thee! Get thee hence!

  The riotous ship span round once, twice—a third time. And then sank, taking its Dionysiac crew with it.

  But, just as he was about to be engulfed, the Lord of Misrule caught hold of the Christmas pudding that still floated on the water. This Christmas pudding, sprigged with holly, stuffed with currants, raisins, almonds, figs, compressed all the Christmas contraband into one fearful sphere.

  The Lord of Misrule drew back his arm and bowled the pudding towards the shore.

  Then he, too, went down. The Atlantic gulped him. The moon set, the snow came down again and it was a night like any other winter night.

  Except, next morning, before dawn, when all rose to pray in the shivering dark, the little children, thrusting their feet reluctantly into their cold shoes, found a juicy resistance to the progress of their great toes and, investigating further, discovered to their amazed and secret glee, each child a raisin the size of your thumb, wrinkled with its own sweetness, plump as if it had been soaked in brandy, that came from who knows where but might easily have dropped out of the sky during the flight overhead of a disintegrating Christmas pudding.

  David Whitman

  I SAW RENNY SHOOTING SANTA CLAUS

  CASEY STARED DOWN at the corpse, a big smile erupting underneath his mustache. “I can’t fucking believe you killed Santa Claus.”

  Renny was poking the fat man with his boot, his face pale. “You made me do it. You told me it was a prowler.”

  “No, my friend. I told you it might be a prowler. You’re the one that got all gung-ho and shot the fat fucker.”

  Renny leaned down and studied the dead man. Santa’s mouth was open, showing off white teeth in an even whiter beard. His blue eyes still registered the shock of being shot. Blood was pouring out of the Santa suit from the side.

  Renny jumped when the camera flashed.

  Casey pulled the picture out of the instant Polaroid camera and shook it back and forth in the air. “Well, that was a Norman Rockwell Christmas moment if I ever saw one. Who you going to get next? The Easter Bunny?”

  Renny threw the shotgun to the carpet in front of the Christmas tree. “This shit isn’t funny. He can’t be the real Santa Claus. There ain’t no such thing, man.”

  Casey looked at the developing picture and smiled. “Well, there ain’t no such thing anymore.” He sang in an off key voice. “I saw Renny shooting San-tee Claus. Underneath the mistletoe last night.”

  Renny frowned. “I’m glad you think this is so fucking funny. There is a dead man on my living room floor in a goddamn Santa suit, and you’re cracking jokes.”

  Casey handed Renny the picture. “You need to learn to appreciate the absurdity of life, my friend. This is too ludicrous to not laugh at.”

  Renny stared at the picture, shaking his head. He was leaning over Santa, his face a mask of horror. He handed the photo back to Casey who stuck it in his back pocket. “We have to get rid of this body.”

  Casey was pulling at the dead man’s beard. “Yep, it’s real. This is so fucking bizarre. Why don’t you just call the police?”

  “Well, number one, we have enough drug paraphernalia in this house to start a commune. Number two, this gun is unregistered. And number three, once they find out I have a gun, I’m going right back to prison.”

  Casey smiled. “As opposed to killing Santa Claus and then trying to dispose of his body?”

  “Would you cut it out with the Santa Claus shit? This is serious. I can get sent to prison for a very long time. It’s like this: we either dispose of the corpse, or get rid of the drugs. You choose.”

  Casey looked down at the red and white body. “I guess it’s the corpse then. We can’t afford to get rid of the drugs.” He searched through the deep pockets of the Santa suit and pulled out about five tightly rolled joints of marijuana. “Looks like Santa likes to partake of a fat blunt or two now and then.”

  Renny stared down at the joints. “That bastard. He was a prowler. Those blunts were on my dresser. The Butler brothers gave them to me for Christmas.”

  Casey laughed. “Well, see? I was right. He was a prowler.”

  Renny grabbed the joints from his friend, pocketing them quickly. “Let’s get this corpse the hell out of here. There’s a wheelbarrow in the garage.”

  After about ten minutes of struggling with the amazingly heavy corpse, they managed to get it inside the trunk. Renny tried to close it, but realized the man was too fa
t for it to shut all the way.

  Casey burst into laughter. “Oh this is too fucking much. Now what you gonna do?”

  Renny moaned. “We’re gonna have to tie the trunk closed.”

  “Yeah, but then he’ll be sticking out. Then everyone will see what you did to poor Santa.”

  Renny growled. “I’ll throw a sheet over him, godammit! Stop it with the fucking jokes!”

  “It’s hard, man!”

  Renny looked around the garage for some rope, but only found some cheap fishing line. “This is gonna have to do.” He tied the trunk closed.

  “You forgot to put a sheet on him,” Casey said, snickering. He could see the Santa suit peeking out from the half open trunk.

  Renny picked up an old blanket and shoved it through the crack of the trunk. “Happy now?” He waited until his friend nodded and then muttered, “Asshole.”

  Renny opened the garage door and they got into the car. He pulled out into the snow-covered road and watched the white flurries bounce across the windshield as they drove. Many of the houses on the streets flashed with festively colored lights.

  “Dashing through the snow, with a one corpse we did slay,” Casey sang in a surprisingly good Sinatra-like voice. “To a field we go, laughing all the way.”

  Renny turned to his friend, saying nothing, his face reddening.

  Casey looked over and tried his best to hide his smile. “I’m really trying. But it’s too ridiculous. Look, it’s Christmas, you shot Santa Claus and now you have him stuffed in your trunk. Not to mention he had five fat blunts in his pocket. Five of YOUR fat blunts. All of this and you expect me not to laugh?”

  Renny actually smirked. “It is kind of funny I guess.”

  “Kind of funny? It’s hysterical. I can’t wait to answer the inevitable question, ‘How was your Christmas, man?’ I’ll be like, well, Renny killed Santa in front of the Christmas tree and I helped him get rid of the body.” Casey noticed a glowing 7-11 off in the distance. “Hey, can you stop there? I need to grab some smokes.”