Sex, Marry, Kill

by Travis, Todd

  “You’re done at my school, done.”

  Healy slammed out of there. Darin glanced at the embarrassed waiter.

  “Never liked it there, anyway,” Darin said.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Darin returned to the table. Healy was deep into a heated conversation with Ms. Arnett, gesturing wildly in his direction, so he was quite likely enlisting her into the cause of finally booting Darin Johnson from school. Most of the kids were eating and talking nonstop, the clamor in the bathroom unnoticed by them.

  Goodwin, a grin plastered on his face, watched as Darin sat down in his seat. He mimed “call me” with his fingers and then leaned down and whispered to his friends. Darin turned back to his meal, appetite now completely gone. He noticed Shakes staring at him, at Darin’s ear specifically, which still burned. Everyone at the table stared.

  “What?” Darin asked.

  “He likes to twist the ear, Goodwin, he does it to me all the time,” Shakes said. “Hurts a lot. Watch for the cauliflower ear thing, you know, when it gets all swelled up and stuff? Like what those MMA fighters get? He’d give that to me a lot, I had to have it drained at the ER a few times, even. Hurts like a bitch.”

  “He’s an asshole,” Darin said. “Both him and Healy.”

  “BIG assholes,” Shakes agreed. “Huge, pulsing assholes.”

  “Ew,” Ed said. “Gross.”

  “So it is written, so shall it be known,” Shakes said. “The truth is nearly always gross and ugly, but it is the truth.”

  “Who said that?” Faye asked.

  “Me. Samuel Maynard Hobart. I said that.”

  “What happened?” Valerie asked Darin.

  They all stopped when she spoke to him. It was still so rare to hear her speak. Darin would have ignored the question had it come from anyone but her. He glanced over his shoulder at Healy.

  “The usual bullshit,” Darin shrugged, lifted his glass of water. “I guess tomorrow I’m gonna be expelled. Who cares? Fuck it all.”

  “Forgive me for being so bold, but, may I, ah … join you?”

  They all jumped, startled. The garish, goth-dressed man who had been at the bar now stood at their table, smiling, his two beautiful escorts close by his side. None of the kids spoke, just stared at him, dumbstruck. One of the ladies pulled out the empty chair for the man and held it for him. The man sat down, primping his look.

  “I noticed there was an empty chair here and I just thought to myself, ah … how nice it would be to meet some bright new young people. I find youngsters of your age to be so, ah … invigorating. But I can see that I’m being rude, of course, let me first introduce myself. My name is Mr. Herman. How are you this fine evening?”

  His voice was quiet, just a shade above a whisper. The kids kept staring until Ed broke the spell and answered.

  “Fine. We’re eating English chicken.”

  “Fine choice, my lad. Fine choice. And your name is?”

  “My name is Ed, Ed Kaminski.”

  “Hello, Ed, a pleasure to meet you.”

  Mr. Herman nodded, glanced to Faye.

  “Faye Clemons.”

  “Hello, Faye, that’s an absolutely stunning blouse, I had to compliment you on it,” he turned to Shakes. “And you are …”

  “Sam, Sam Hobart. Everybody … everyone calls me Shakes, because my hands shake, I guess, but my name is Sam.”

  “Sam it is. And …”

  Darin couldn’t ignore the man, at any other time he wouldn’t give an old, weirdly dressed guy the time of day, but for some reason he felt compelled to answer.

  “Darin Johnson.”

  “Darin. That’s a fine name. Darin. And this lovely lady …”

  Valerie stared at Mr. Herman for a moment, her deadpan look fixed. Finally she whispered an answer, “Valerie.”

  “Lovely to meet you, Valerie. It is my distinct honor. So there are five of you, grouped together? That’s a powerful number, you know. Five. Very powerful.”

  Goodwin and his friends noticed what was going on over at the loser table and chattered excitedly. Mr. Herman held up a finger and his two ladies leaned down close. He whispered to them and they batted their eyelashes and waltzed away.

  “Hey, you. You can’t sit there, what do you think you’re doing?” Healy got up and marched over. The rest of the class stared, in shock and hilarity, at the unexpected spectacle. “You can’t be bothering these kids here, understand me?”

  “Well ah, ahem … I don’t think I am bothering them, actually. Am I bothering you?”

  “I’m not bothered,” Darin said.

  “Not bothered at all,” Valerie said.

  “Me, neither,” Shakes said.

  “Me three!” Ed said happily.

  “He’s actually the nicest person I’ve met on this trip so far,” Faye added.

  Healy ignored them and kept on going. “You can’t sit with these kids, it’s not appropriate. Move it, pal, I’m not even joking.”

  “Why not?” Darin asked.

  “Just keep out of this, Johnson, I’ve had enough of your lip this trip.”

  “Yeah, why not?” Valerie asked. “Why can’t he sit with us? It’s our table.”

  Valerie Weems actually speaking out loud rocked Healy, he couldn’t remember even hearing the sound of her voice at any time over the past two years. Mr. Herman leaned back and enjoyed the show. Ms. Arnett appeared by Healy’s side, looking to smooth things over.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” she said to Mr. Herman. “But as Mr. Healy just said, we can’t have this.”

  “The honor students get to sit with you and Ms. Arnett, why can’t we sit with Mr. Herman?” Shakes asked.

  “Hobart⁠—”

  “Mr. Healy and I are the class chaperones, that’s why, Samuel. This … gentleman … clearly is not. It’s just not appropriate.”

  “Let the geeks have their geek chaperone!” Goodwin shouted and all the students laughed. “He’s perfect for them.”

  “Goodwin, stay out of this!” Healy said. He turned back. “We all saw you carrying on with your … whatever they are, your dates or escorts. We know what you are. We don’t want you near our kids.”

  “My good man,” Mr. Herman said. “You, ah … have no idea … what I am. Not in the slightest.”

  “I’m sorry, but as I said, you can’t join our students at this table, it’s simply not appropriate,” Ms. Arnett said.

  “And Healy running his hand up and down your leg, that’s appropriate?” Darin asked. “He’s a married man, one who’s not married to you. That’s appropriate?”

  Ms. Arnett flushed a bright shade of pink as the entire room of students went silent in awe at what Darin just said out loud. Healy took a step toward Darin and grabbed him by the shirt.

  “Why you little⁠—”

  “We can all see it, we all know it. Give me a break.”

  “Ah, here they are, cocktails!” Mr. Herman said as his two escorts returned with a tray of drinks and served one to each person at the table. Healy stopped in his tracks.

  “What are you doing? You can’t give these kids alcohol!”

  “I assure you, I can and will. Drink up, my friends,” Mr. Herman toasted them.

  Healy stomped over to Mr. Herman and grabbed him by the arm. “Listen to me, you pedophile prick, you either get your ass away from these kids NOW, or I’ll take you outside and stomp your skeevy ass to the curb!”

  “My, such anger. May I inquire as to your name, sir?”

  “My name? Get up out of that chair, you skinny asshole, now!”

  Healy yanked Mr. Herman to his feet. Mr. Herman simply smiled.

  “Yes, your name, sir. Please.”

  Healy shook Mr. Herman like a rag doll. His escorts gasped. Mr. Herman snapped his fingers and several waiters appeared, two of whom were very large men.

  “Finally!” Healy said. “Get this freak out⁠—”

  “Please release Mr. Herman, sir. Now,” one of the waiters said. “And we’re g
oing to have to ask you to leave.”

  “What? But this⁠—”

  The waiters grabbed Healy, forced him to release Mr. Herman and pulled him away.

  “What are you doing? He’s harassing my kids, he’s giving them alcohol!”

  “Mr. Herman would do no such thing, sir, I can assure you,” said the head waiter. “He’s a long time customer and a perfect gentleman. Your students are welcome to finish their meal, of course, with their other chaperone, but we’ll have to ask you to wait outside until they are done.”

  “You’re throwing ME out? That’s ridiculous, you can’t do that!”

  “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a rather strict code of conduct here. You’ll have to wait outside until the rest of your group finishes,” the head waiter said.

  “I’m calling the police, on you and that freak!”

  “You are free to do that, of course, if you so choose, but if you do, we shall unfortunately be forced to press charges against YOU for trespassing.”

  The larger waiters hustled the still complaining and struggling Healy all the way out of the restaurant. The head waiter turned to Ms. Arnett.

  “Ma’am, just to be clear, in this establishment Mr. Herman sits wherever he wishes. If this is unacceptable to you, then we ask that you leave now. But if you choose to stay, the meal for your entire group will be on the house.”

  Ms. Arnett hadn’t stopped blushing since Darin pointed out what Healy had been doing to her leg under the table, and it seemed that it would be quite a bit of time before she’d be able to speak again. She stood there, her cheeks a deep shade of crimson, and finally nodded and returned to her table. She kept her head down.

  Mr. Herman straightened his clothes and sat back down. “Now then. Where were we? Oh yes, cocktails!” He picked up his glass and held it out in a toast. “To you five!”

  Darin and the rest picked up their glasses and toasted with him. They all drank. The rest of their class watched in awe and amusement, laughing and joking amongst themselves. Ed coughed.

  “It’s spicy,” he said.

  “Yes, of course. But you get used to it,” Mr. Herman said. “Please, drink more!”

  They all started to glow from the alcohol as it warmed them up. Darin drained his glass. Valerie, after a moment of consideration, followed suit.

  “Hell man, I’m getting in on this!” Goodwin jumped up from his seat and strolled over. “Hey yo, Eddie Izzard, how about hooking me up with a drink, too!”

  “Young man,” Mr. Herman said. “Do you look like you belong over here? Shoo.”

  “What?”

  “I said, you overbearing, immature poster child for contraception, that you need to walk away and leave us alone. Now.”

  There was a flash of anger in Mr. Herman’s eyes when he said that. Goodwin didn’t like that. But the large waiters who had escorted Healy out had returned and he decided not to press the issue. He returned to his table of friends, walking tough and shaking his head. The kids at the other tables all whispered to themselves.

  “Who ARE you?” Shakes asked.

  “I told you, I am Mr. Herman. Once upon a time I was no one, a non-entity. Now, happily, I am a person of consequence,” Mr. Herman said.

  “Are you a musician or some sort of rich Internet guy, something like that?”

  “No, no, nothing like that. Just a man of some small influence in this area. Although at one point, I was just like every one of you five at this table.”

  “How so?” Darin asked.

  “I was an outsider. Like you all are. Am I right?”

  To a student, they all nodded. Mr. Herman signaled for more drinks.

  “Alone. Powerless. But I found a way to empower myself.”

  “What, you found Jesus?” this from Valerie, sarcasm dripping from each word.

  “No, of course not. I prefer my myths to be much more modern, as you can tell from my, ah … attire,” Mr. Herman laughed. “No, what I found were … friends. Four friends. Together we were five. Five friends together. Five is, ah … a very unique, powerful number, you now. There is power in that. And in friendship, too. Power. There are, ah … five of you. You could be friends. It could be yours.”

  He tapped his silver-tipped cane on the floor five times. His beautiful escorts brought more drinks and passed them around.

  “I used to be just like you are right now, on the outside looking in. Listening to the popular kids as they talked about me behind their fists, made fun of me, left me out of everything cool. I was just like that. Like you. Sad. Alone. But I made four friends, friends who had the same problem in common. Together we discovered … a game. One which taught us an immense amount and was much fun. So. Much. Fun.”

  “A game?” Ed asked.

  “Yes. A very special game. It brought us together.”

  “I like games,” Ed said.

  “You can learn a lot about yourself from a game,” Mr. Herman said. “We played many a fine game, but one in particular was especially … edifying. We found something within ourselves, a strength, a power, and we used that inner, ah … fortitude, to stand up for ourselves. To declare to the world that we would not be the dirt under someone else’s shoe any longer. We used that knowledge to become people of consequence, of influence. We learned our own personal power. We discovered … our own … significance.”

  That reverie seemed to transport Mr. Herman for a moment, his eyes afar. Darin and everyone else couldn’t help but be aware of the students at the other tables giggling and sneering at them for conversing with this garish, whispering stranger.

  “You got all that from a game?” Shakes asked.

  “Indeed.”

  “Was it a video game?” Ed asked.

  “Not quite, something more.”

  “What was it?” Faye asked.

  Mr. Herman smiled and leaned forward.

  “Would you like to play?”

  “How much?” Darin asked.

  “I’m sorry?”

  “I said, how much? How much does it cost? What’s your angle? This is how you make your living, right? You’re working something. What’s the price?”

  Mr. Herman just smiled at him. “It costs nothing.”

  “Everything costs, man. Everything has a price.”

  “Not this. It’s just a simple game for young adults. I’m happy to forward you the link and you can see for yourself. But there must be five of you to play. That’s the rule. No more, no less. But I ask for no money and the game itself, it costs nothing. I’m simply paying it forward.”

  He brought out a smartphone. “Would you like to see?”

  Shakes dug into his pocket, brought his out. “You bet!”

  “I will message it to you, let me see that,” Mr. Herman took Shakes’s phone, examined it, typed in his own. A message dinged as he handed it to back to Shakes.

  “I got it!” Shakes examined the site. “Sex, Marry, Kill.”

  “Sex, Marry, Kill?” Faye said.

  “That’s it. Much fun. So much fun. But remember, there must be five of you, friends bonded together, and you must be only five when you play, none of these, ah … others. Only five,” Mr. Herman tapped his cane five times on the floor again, then got to his feet. “Now, I must make my exit with my companions. Please, enjoy.”

  Before he left, he turned around.

  “Tell me, that teacher, the large, shouting unpleasant one who is cheating on his wife, what was his name?”

  “Mr. Healy,” Shakes said.

  “And his first name?”

  “Uh, Jerome. Jerome Healy.”

  “Do you by chance know how old he is, his birthday?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “What school does he, ah … teach at?”

  “Radford High, that’s where we’re all from. He’s a gym teacher and basketball coach there.”

  “I see. I can look up the rest for myself. Have a delightful evening, all.”

  “Okay,” Ed said, a little tipsy. “Bye-bye.”<
br />
  The kids watched as Mr. Herman’s beautiful escorts each took an arm and walked him to the door. Every waiter and staff person thanked him as he made his way out.

  “Well, that was interesting,” Darin said. “What’s it say, the site?”

  “It just says, Sex, Marry, Kill, and that there must be five of us to play and we must be alone in order to begin.”

  “So click on it,” Faye said.

  “I did, I am, and it says, you are not yet alone. Enter when five are alone. Weird.”

  “That is far from the weirdest thing that happened tonight,” Darin said. They all laughed. “Not even in the top ten.”

  “Word,” said Shakes.

  “Word,” said Ed.

  Darin found Valerie staring at him, and found that he liked it.

  “Sex, Marry, Kill,” he said. “Sounds like a thrash band. You into thrash?”

  “Not hardly,” Valerie said.

  “Good. Me, neither,” Darin said.

  “Sex, Marry, Kill,” Ed said. “I don’t get it.”

  “It has to be one of those role-playing games,” Faye said. “Like World of Warcraft, my cousin plays that.”

  “Sex, Marry, Kill. Well, I like how it starts,” Shakes said and they all smiled.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “GUYS, WHERE ARE U? ITS REALLY GETTING WIERD AND SPOOKY HEAR,”⁠—text message from Ed that Darin also couldn’t erase.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Darin and his tablemates were the last to leave the restaurant, the other students ahead of them much more subdued and very interested in what Healy was going to do to them once they got outside. The gym teacher waited beside the chartered bus, smoking cigarettes and pacing, pleading with Ms. Arnett. She kept her head down. When he saw Darin, Healy stubbed his smoke out and stalked over by the back of the bus.

  “Johnson! Get over here, now!”

  Ms. Arnett scurried onto the bus.

  Darin sighed. “Look, man, all I want to do is get on the bus and go home. You can get your jollies with me tomorrow in the principal’s office. I’m tired.”

  “Johnson, I’m not gonna tell you again. Over here. Get your butt over here right now or else I’ll come get you and you don’t want that.”