by J. S. Cooper
“You want to bow out of your obligation tonight so you can go and tart yourself up and meet strange men?”
“I didn’t say I was going to tart myself up and I said the men of our dreams, our soul mates, not strange men.”
“So you want to meet the man of your dreams tonight and then come and fuck me tomorrow night? What are you going to tell him if he asks you out? ‘Sorry, I can’t go because the other man I’m seeing wants to bend me over and fuck me?’ ”
“TJ,” I gasped, aghast, but also slightly turned on.
“What?” he said and chuckled, but he didn’t sound amused. “I guess that was slightly wrong. I should have said that you want me to fuck you as badly as I want to. I’m sure your panties are wet right now, aren’t they?” His voice became lower and rougher. “I bet you’re wishing I were with you right now so I could spank that ass and pull those panties to the side as I bend you over and slam into you from behind.”
“I’m going to the mall to buy a new dress,” I said stiffly as I changed the subject, embarrassed that I was feeling turned on by his words, and in front of Sally who was looking at me with a quizzical expression. “The dress is for your party tonight,” I continued. “So I’ll be using the credit card you gave me.”
“So now you’re coming?” he said in a tone that said he’d achieved exactly what he’d wanted. “I guess you’re missing my big—”
“TJ!” I almost shouted as I cut him off. “You’re too much.” I rolled my eyes at Sally, whose eyes at narrowed at me. “Yes, I’m coming,” I said stiffly. “I’ll let Sally cry herself to sleep while we’re out partying.”
“Oh, we’ll be doing a lot more than partying,” he said in an amused tone, his voice deep. “Maybe tell her you’ll be getting the fuck of your life. Maybe that will make her feel better about being ditched.”
“You’re disgusting,” I said, as I felt my stomach stirring.
“You don’t feel that way when I’m inside of you. You didn’t feel that way when I had you up on that roof. You didn’t feel that way the other morning when I was going down on you. You didn’t think I was disgusting when you—”
“TJ!” I screeched.
“What?” He laughed. “Am I embarrassing you?”
I was silent as I waited for him to change the subject.
“I sure hope not,” he said silkily. “I have a lot more to show you. I have plans for us, Mila.”
“I know,” I said softly, a small smile on my face as I rolled my eyes and shook my head at Sally. “I have plans for you as well.”
“Oh?” he said, his tone curious. “What plans?”
“You’ll see,” I said with a small laugh. “You’re not the only kinky bitch on the phone,” I said, and then before he could speak, I said, “Pick me up at seven.” And then I hung up the phone.
“Whoa, what was that about?” Sally said eagerly as she gazed at me. “And kinky bitch? Where did that come from?”
“I have no idea.” I laughed. “I can’t believe I said that.” I groaned. “Kinky bitch? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I said that. He just kept saying stuff trying to turn me on, so I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.”
“What do you have planned?” Her eyes were wide as she stared at me. “You’ve been holding back on me, girl.”
“I have nothing planned.” I groaned. “I just said that to him to make him think I had something planned.”
“Oh.” She giggled. “You need to think of something then.”
“You think so?” I asked, groaning. “I mean, I have no idea what I can do that would make him believe that I’m a kinky bitch.”
“You can do whatever you want.” Sally smiled, but I could tell from the look on her face that she was doubtful.
“What am I doing, Sally?” I sighed, my head suddenly feeling heavy and my stomach wracked with nerves. “I feel like I’m playing a role, being some character I’m not and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so happy being with him, but it all seems so fleeting. Like I don’t know what he really wants, and if it’s the kinky sex that’s important to him, well, how’s that supposed to make me feel?”
“I don’t know what to say.” She chewed on her lower lip. “I wish I knew what to say. I want to say all the things you want to hear, like this is going to grow and work out, but I don’t know. I mean, this is real life, right? When do guys ever really change? I mean, do you feel like there’s a possibility that he really likes you, like-likes you, likes you?”
“I used to think that,” I said and then I paused. “Actually, I don’t know if what I felt was real or if it was all in my head. Some sort of hope manifesting itself in me and making me see things that aren’t real.”
“Don’t overthink it,” Sally said and then grabbed my hand. “Just see what he says and does. I mean, you’ve waited your whole life for him, you might as well see exactly what he’s open to, what he might really be feeling.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and smiled, but my heart sank as I thought about her words. They were exactly the same sort of words I’d said to her before about Cody, but what did they really mean? Nothing. Sally and I were both keeping hope alive, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth it. Were we wasting our lives and silently killing ourselves slowly with the wait?
***
“So where should we go?” I asked Sally as we got into her car. “Macy’s? Dillard’s?”
“Macy’s?” She looked at me and laughed. “Are you out of your mind?”
“What’s wrong with Macy’s?” I laughed, trying to forget all my worries and just enjoy the afternoon out.
“You have a black credit card.” She grinned at me. “With what I can only assume is a massive limit. Actually, do you know the limit?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I have no idea.”
“Call the number on the back of the card.” She turned the key in the ignition and started her car, but turned to me instead of pulling out of the driveway. “Come on, Mila.”
“Seriously, Sally?” I shook my head. “I’m not calling to find out the limit. They aren’t going to tell me anyway.”
“Why not?” Her eyes crinkled as she stared at me. I knew that look in her eyes. She wanted to know and she wasn’t going to back down.
“Fine.” I giggled. “You know this makes us horrible people, right?”
“Why does it make us horrible? Remember when we got our first credit card in college? Remember how we called every week to see if the limit had been raised?”
“That’s because we were stupid and wanted to buy things we couldn’t afford.” I laughed as I pulled out the card. “Thank God we only got thousand-dollar limits. You know how long it took me to pay that off?”
“I thought you were still paying it off.” Sally smirked and I laughed as I hit her playfully in the shoulder.
“You’re mean.”
“And you’re a shopaholic.” She grinned. “However, at least you aren’t a user. You’re not going to go crazy with TJ’s card.”
“I would never do that,” I said and dialed the credit card phone number on my cell and put it on speakerphone. I shook my head at Sally as she grinned at me, waiting eagerly to hear what the limit was. I have to admit that I was slightly excited myself to find out what the limit would be. Not that I would come close to using all of the money. Or even using the card again after I bought this dress. I didn’t want TJ to think I was taking advantage of the situation.
My heart felt sad as I thought about him and the situation we were in. I was happy that we were kind of dating, if dating was what we could call our situation. I just didn’t know. We were seeing each other. We were having sex. I liked him—well, loved him. I thought he kind of liked me. However, I was also his fake fiancée, and I wasn’t sure if that negated everything. Was he my boyfriend? Would he ever really be my boyfriend? I tried not to dwell on all the things in my mind. It made me doubt the relationship I found myself in.
I looked down at the phone and listen
ed to a voice welcoming me to American Express. I punched in the numbers on the card and waited for them to ask me to verify some sort of password, so that I could look at Sally and say, “See? I can’t find out that info.” I was shocked when the voice asked me what I wanted to do next. I pressed 2 to hear my available balance and both Sally and I gasped loudly when the voice said, “You have an available credit limit of one hundred thousand dollars.” I pressed END on the phone and looked at Sally with wide eyes. “Did I just hear that correctly?” I said, feeling slightly dazed.
“If you heard one hundred thousand dollars, then yes.” She grinned at me, her eyes bright. “I cannot believe it.”
“I cannot believe it, either.” I put the card back in my wallet. “He’s crazy.”
“Yeah, he is.” Sally started laughing. “Does he not know you?”
“Whatever.” I giggled as we pulled out of the driveway. “I’m responsible.”
“Since when?” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Last week?”
“Last week is as good as ever.” I laughed. “Seriously, though, I’m not going to take advantage of the situation. It’s just for this dress.”
“Uh huh,” Sally said. “And some new sexy bras, underwear, heels, maybe a new trench coat, a leather jacket, um—”
“A leather jacket?” I said, interrupting her. “Why would I be getting a leather jacket?”
“Because they’re so cute.” She giggled. “I notice you didn’t ask why you should get the trench coat.” She winked. “Bow chicka bow wow.”
“Sally, you’re so immature.” I giggled. “I’m not going to go crazy on the card and I’m going to pay back whatever I spend.”
“Okay.” Sally didn’t bat an eye, but her voice was unbelieving. “Whatever you say.”
“I am.” I laughed. “Though it might not be in terms of cash money.”
“Like I said, bow chicka bow wow.”
“Ha ha, he’s lucky.” I giggled. “Most guys would love to have this.” I danced around in her seat, suddenly feeling light and happy. “And if anyone ever saw me or heard me saying that, they would think I was a ho.”
“A ho, ho, ho.” Sally nodded and looked at me. “So where shall we go, then? To the boutiques downtown?”
“I guess so.” I shrugged. “You think they’ll have anything there?”
“Yup.” She nodded. “There’s this new haute couture dress shop next to the cupcake store. I think they have vintage Chanel and Vera Wang and some Versace gowns.”
“That sounds expensive.” I frowned.
“Says the hundred-thousand lady.” Sally laughed.
“I don’t wanna be the hundred-thousand-dollar ho.” I giggled.
“Who, you?” Sally said as she turned on her radio and I turned it up as it connected to the Bluetooth on her phone and the latest Pitbull song started playing. I just laughed in my seat and stared out of the window as Sally drove. I felt excited about the evening, though I wasn’t sure what to expect.
“Your phone is ringing, Mila.” Sally tapped me on the shoulder to break me out of my daydream.
“Oops,” I said as I grabbed my phone out of my bag. “Hello,” I said as I placed it next to my face quickly.
“Where are you?” TJ said softly, his voice sending a warm feeling down my spine.
“I’m in the car with Sally. We’re going to get a dress and a few other necessities,” I added, feeling slightly guilty.
“Good.” He sounded pleased. “Tell Sally that I’d be more than happy to treat her to a new dress as well, for taking you out.”
“What?” I said, surprised by his generosity, though I really shouldn’t have been. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to,” he said softly. “Tell her to get something nice and we can have her and Cody over this weekend, right after you move in.”
“Like a double date?” I said hesitantly, not sure if that was such a good idea.
“Or just a dinner,” he said smoothly. “Just four friends eating together.”
“Okay,” I said, disappointment swelling in my belly. Friends. That dreaded word that made me come back down to earth again.
“There’s no need for expectations,” he continued. “We can’t make them get together. They aren’t us.”
“So are we together?” I asked, wanting to know exactly what we were to each other. Hope once again filled me. Maybe he really was into me after all.
“Of course we’re together—you’re my fiancée,” he said and I wanted to interrupt him. I wanted to say that that part was a lie and ask what the real truth was between us, but I was scared that he would say that there was nothing real between us. I was scared that he would say that this was it. And I didn’t want to hear that. I couldn’t hear that. It would break me. And right now I wanted to believe that it was more, even if that was just a farce. I didn’t want to know the truth. I didn’t want my bubble to burst already. Not now. Not yet. I wasn’t sure I could go through with all of my plans if I thought he didn’t have any real feelings for me. If I thought that I was just a booty-call to him.
Maybe I could make him fall in love with me. Maybe if I played this role perfectly, he would suddenly realize that he didn’t want this to be an act. My face felt cold as I realized how much of my heart I was putting on the line here. All of a sudden, I felt sick that I was letting myself in for a big fall and it scared the hell out of me.
“Okay, well, we’re pulling up to a music store that Sally wants to go into now,” I said as I looked out of the window at some trees. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Send me photos of the dresses you’re choosing between,” he said softly. “I want to help you choose.”
“You don’t care.” I laughed, my heart racing at the thought of him helping me choose a dress.
“I want to see them before you choose which one you’re going to buy,” he said softly.
“Okay,” I said, though I knew that I wasn’t going to be sending him any photos.
“When do you think you’ll arrive at the store?” he asked again. “I have a meeting in an hour, but it won’t last more than an hour.”
“Oh, I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “It’s some place that Sally knows, but I’ve never been there before.”
“Text me when you arrive,” he said.
“Um, okay,” I said. “I’d better go now. Sally is waiting on me to get out of the car.”
“Okay, text me,” he said and hung up the phone. I placed the phone back into my bag and looked at Sally who was glancing at me with a smile.
“What was that about, Ms. Liar?” Her eyes searched mine for a few seconds before facing the traffic again.
“Why are you calling me a liar?” I asked, my face pink as I stared in front of me.
“You’re not going to send him photos of any of the dresses. And we didn’t pull up to any boutique” She laughed. “He’s going to be sitting there waiting and he’s going to be very disappointed.”
“I don’t think he’ll be disappointed.” I laughed, but all of a sudden all I could think about was that—once again—what he wanted from me came down to something sexual.
“Sure, he will.” She pulled down a one-way street and gave me a quick glance. “Men are visual creatures. He most probably can’t wait to see.”
“Oh well, he’s in for a disappointment,” I said as she pulled up to a store. “I’ll text him and let him know we’ve arrived, but I won’t be sending any pics, that way he’s not waiting and wondering.”
“Oh, Mila.” Sally grinned at me.
“What??”
“Nothing.” She shrugged. “Text him.”
“I’m going to.” I grabbed my phone and started punching in my message, feeling angry and not really sure why. Well, that’s a lie; I knew why I was angry. I was angry that I cared so much. I was angry that the only real interest TJ seemed to show in me was in regards to sex. I was angry that I couldn’t control my feelings of worry and hope that intermingled with the love
I felt for him in my heart. Even though we were closer now than we’d ever been in our lives, I felt the most distant from him. I didn’t feel like I was able to be myself with him because I was so scared of letting him in. I was scared that I’d fall in love with him and start to tell myself he was feeling the same way. I was scared that if I started to believe in my dreams and fairy tales, my whole world would come crashing down around me. I turned away from Sally and typed into my phone, suddenly letting my anxiety feed into anger.
Me: I don’t need your help picking a dress.
TJ: I didn’t say you needed my help, came the immediate reply.
Me:Good.
TJ: Send me photos.
Me:No.
TJ: Stop being childish.
Me: Stop acting like my dad.
TJ: Your dad wants to see you in your underwear?
Me: You’re disgusting.
TJ: That’s not what you said last night.
Me: Grow up.
TJ: I thought I was acting too adult.
Me: Goodbye, TJ.
TJ: Send me nudies then.
Me: You wish.
TJ: I do. :)
Me: TJ!
TJ: Mila!
Me: You’re insufferable.
TJ: You’re sexy.
Me: Whatever.
TJ: I can picture your lips right now.
Me: Whatever.
TJ: I can picture my cock in your lips right now.
Me: TJ!
TJ: Yeah, that’s what I’ll have you screaming.
I shook my head and tried not to smile. I wasn’t feeling angry anymore. Anxious still, yes—but angry, no. I wasn’t sure what it was about TJ, but he had a way of affecting my emotions without even being there. Just interacting with him made me happy. I suppose that was one of the side effects of love.
Oh how I loved and hated being in love with him. It made me feel like I was soaring through the world. Just picturing his face made me happy. And it scared me. It scared me that he had so much power over my emotions. I’d never really thought about it until recently. Until we’d become a fake couple. But now that I knew, it made me fearful. He was almost like a puppet master with my emotions.
I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure when the bottom was going to drop out and I was going to go flying through the vastness of an empty sky. I knew what it would feel like, though. It would feel like I was floating through the universe, by myself, empty, void of emotion and all air.