by J. S. Cooper
“I’m scared to tell him.” My eyes widened.
“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horn and go for it.”
“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”
“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”
“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there was a possibility of him loving me that it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”
“Everyone has a secret, Mila.”
“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I just feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it, when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”
“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”
“There is no bad in TJ.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”
“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”
“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”
“Even I have secrets, Mila.” He touched the top of my head. “Even I have secrets, but that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.”
Chapter Nine
TJ
Ten Years Ago
It had been ten years since my mother's death and I was leaving for college the next day. I figured I might as well ask my dad what had happened that night. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. I wanted to somehow reach the parts of me that had been locked off my whole life. I didn't like being the cold, uncaring guy. I wasn't that guy. I had so many feelings inside, but I didn't know how to express them or get them out. I didn't know how to be open. And the older I got the more uncomfortable I was about love and relationships and getting too close. I'd dated some girls that had balled their eyes out when we'd broken up. They'd cried and told me they hated me and loved me and wanted to die and it scared me. I didn't want to make anyone feel like they weren't enough just because they weren't what I wanted. I mean, if I was honest with myself I didn't want to get emotionally involved, period. That was not who I was or who I would ever be. I'd never been in love. Never even thought I was close, and was glad for it. I didn't want that power over anyone and I didn't want anyone to have any power over me.
"Dude, what are you doing?" Cody hit me in the shoulder. "Let's go."
"Hold on, I need to ask my dad something first."
"Hurry up. The guys are waiting." Cody frowned and looked at his watch. I knew he didn't care about the waiting guys as much as he cared that Lisa, the head cheerleader, was into him and also waiting at the bowling alley for us.
“Dude, chill. I’ll be back to talk in a few minutes,” I said and left him in my bedroom and headed towards my dad’s study. I knocked on the door and waited for him to let me come in.
“Dad,” I said as I opened the door and walked in. He was sitting at his table, drinking a glass of what I supposed was whiskey or gin and staring at a contract.
“What’s going on, TJ?” He looked up at me and then back down at the contract.
“Can we talk?” I asked him as I walked over to the desk.
“I’m going over a contract.” He frowned. “Can we talk later?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I want to talk now.”
“I’m really quite busy.” He took a sip of the warm brown liquid in his crystal glass.
“This won’t take long,” I said and placed my fists on the table in front of him and leaned into his face. “I want to talk now.”
“What do you want to talk about?” He put his glass back on the table and then gazed at me, his face void of expression.
“I want to know about the day Mom died,” I said and waited for him to react, though he didn’t even blink.
“Okay.” He shrugged. “What do you want to know?”
“What happened that day? Why was she so upset? Why did she take those pills?”
“Your mother had issues. Suffered from depression. Who knows why she did what she did.”
“That’s not a good answer, Dad.” My eyes narrowed and I looked at him coldly. “Why did she hate you? Why was she crying? Why didn’t you seem to care when she died?”
“I loved your mother, TJ.” He leaned back and picked up his glass again slowly and took a long sip. “She had her issues. I got tired of having to deal with them. I referred her to shrinks. She was on medication. I did everything I could do, but she didn’t get better. That’s not my fault.”
“What issues did she have?” I banged the table. “Give me something, goddammit. I need something concrete.”
“Your mother was mentally imbalanced.” He shrugged again. “Maybe she just had a few screws loose. You should be glad you don’t have that same issue.”
“Don’t say that.” I stood tall. “You’re an uncaring, unfeeling asshole. You drove her to that, didn’t you?”
“Drove her to what?” My father sighed and leaned forward again. “Why are you so emotional, TJ? That’s a trait you get from her. You can’t let emotions screw with your head in business. Emotions make everything grey. You need to deal with the black and white. You don’t think your mother’s death hurt me? You don’t think I wondered every single day what I could have done to make it so she didn’t kill herself? You don’t think I would have done anything I could have to have stopped it? But she wasn’t rational. She was always in her head. Overthinking things. Overthinking life. Overthinking everything I said and did. Every little thing I said. Everywhere I went. She had issues. She wanted to know where I was at all times. Who I was talking to. She was jealous. She was emotional. She loved me too much. She loved with her head in the clouds. All she thought about was love and me. I was her life. It was too much. I had a business to run. I couldn’t be her life. I couldn’t be her reason for being. She lived for me. I lived to make money. It wasn’t a good match. I didn’t realize that at first. Not until it was too late. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t deal with her. I had other women, yes, and that killed her.”
“So you cheated on her?”
“It wasn’t personal.” He shrugged. “I still loved her. I was still married to her. She was my wife. She was the mother of my child. I built this empire for you. And for her. She had it all.”
“She had it all, but your love.”
“Son, I’m going to give you some advice today that I wish everyone gave their child. Love is a construct. Love is something that people put in their heads to make themselves feel better about their lives. Live your life without love; it will make you feel a lot better. It will make you a man. You’ll appreciate everything that much more. Trust me. Don’t bother with love. Don’t fall in love and don’t let anyone fall in love with you. It’s for the best. All love does is ruin lives. Either your life or another. If there’s one thing you ever take from me, it should be that. Don’t ever let love ruin your life or someone else’s. That’s what killed your mother. Love. Love ruins everything.
“That’s all you have to say?” I stared at him for a few seconds and I watched as he took another sip of his gin and looked back at his contract. I stood up slowly and walked out of the office. “I’m ready,” I said to Cody as I walked back into my bedroom.
“Finally,” he said and jumped up with a grin.
“Yeah, finally,” I said and gave him a small smile, my heart feeling worse than it ever had before.
Present Day
There's this dream that I have. This dream of one day being able to say exactly what I'm thinking, exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I'm wanting. There's a burning hope inside of me that one day the words will come easier, the fear will be less intense, and the deep yearning will not feel like it's attached to my very essence. I want to tell her one thing. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her that I
think of her every morning and night. I want to tell her that I can't get her out of my mind. I can't sleep. I can't stop the racing of my heart when she smiles at me. I can't stop myself from smiling in response. I wish her every smile were for me. I want to capture them in a jar and release them every time I feel down. I want her to know that she makes me feel things I don't know that I want to feel. I'm not sure how to tell her I'm not good enough. I don't know how to tell her that I don't know that my love is enough. I don't know how to tell her that with every beat of her heart I feel life inside of me. I don't know how to tell her she's my soulmate. So I don't. I just watch her and wait. Wait to see what'll happen. Wait to see if she can read my mind. Wait to see if the feelings will go. I hope the feelings will go. I don't do love. Not like this. Not when I feel like I can't breathe. So this dream, this dream that keeps me up at night—it's all I have. It's all I need. And every day, I feel myself losing her just a little bit more. And every day I feel myself loving her just a little bit more. If she could read my mind, she'd know. She'd know that she's it for me. I just don't know if I can ever be it for her.
“So what’s up?” I asked Cody as he sat in my office.
“You know what’s up.” He glared at me.
“Not really? The sky? The sun? The clouds?” I asked him and looked at my watch to indicate that time was running and I had work to do.
“This thing with Mila. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I know that there’s something going on.” He stood up and started pacing. “What game are you playing, TJ?”
“You know I have feelings for Mila,” I said stiffly.
“I know that this engagement isn’t really real,” Cody said, his voice getting angrier. “Nonno called me last night. He’s not sure exactly what’s going on, but he’s concerned. He asked me to look out for Mila.”
“I don’t know what to say, Cody.” I shrugged and looked away from him. How could I explain to him what was going on? I couldn’t tell him the truth. I wondered if this whole thing would cost me the best friend I’d ever had as well.
“You need to stop playing with her feelings, TJ.” Cody’s face was angry. “This isn’t just a crush for Mila. She loves you.”
“She doesn’t know what love is.” I grit my teeth as I stared at him. “She knows the score.”
“You’re my best friend, dude, but I swear to God...” Cody’s face grew redder and I could see his fists were clenched.
“What?” I stood up and moved closer to him. “You want to hit me?”
“Yes.” He scowled and looked up into my face. “I want to hit you.” He took a step back and sighed. “But I’m not a hypocrite.”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned, as I realized that not only was he angry at me, but he was angry at himself as well.
“I haven’t exactly treated Sally well.” He shrugged. “Maybe we both just suck.”
“Are you saying I haven’t treated Mila well?” I asked, but I knew the answer.
“I’m saying you haven’t treated yourself or Mila well.” His eyes pierced mine and I felt my heart stop. This was the first time Cody and I had ever really had a serious conversation about relationships. “If you love her, you’re not doing yourself any favors.”
“You know I don’t do love. You don’t do love either,” I said weakly, a weird feeling entering my stomach. “It’s just who we are.”
“Yeah, but what I don’t know is why.” He shook his head. “I’m tired of fucking around. I want something real.”
“Well, you always have Sally.”
“I’m not fucking good enough for Sally.” His face twisted. “She deserves someone better than me.”
“Yeah, she does.” I nodded and thought of Mila’s best friend and how long she had panged for Cody. I pictured the looks of disappointment and pain on her face every time Cody did something that hurt her. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be the man she deserves.” I looked into his eyes seriously. “You can be that man.”
“Are you going to be that man for Mila?”
“I don’t know if I can.” I shrugged and closed my eyes. My throat felt constricted and my head felt heavy as I thought about her.
“You’re a fool.” Cody shook his head at me. “You’re going to lose her and you’re going to wake up one of these days and you’re going to wonder what happened.”
“This engagement is complicated.”
“What relationship isn’t complicated?”
“This isn’t a normal relationship.”
“TJ, you’re my best friend. I trust you, man. I trust you with my life. But this is my sister. I know I don’t know what’s going on here. I know that you don’t seem to want to tell me, but I gotta ask you this, what you’re doing here, can you promise me that you’re doing it with good intentions?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I can promise you that.”
“Okay.” He sighed and I could see him thinking. “God, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I’m not sure that I really do,” I said under my breath, but he didn’t hear me.
“I know you’re busy, so I’m going to go now,” Cody said. “Maybe I’ll give Sally a call to see how she’s doing.”
“You sure that’s smart?” I asked him.
“Are either of us doing what we think is smart?” he asked me with a raised eyebrow and I just stared at him as he left the office. He was right. I knew without a doubt in my mind that neither of us were doing something smart. I let out a huge sigh as I looked at the paperwork on my desk. My dad had left a contract on my desk that was going to completely change the face of Mila’s parents’ company; something they were vehemently opposed to. However, because Mila had a 51% stake in the company, thanks to Nonno, she could make all final decisions. Which meant that I had that power now, legally, thanks to the papers we’d signed. I jumped up, grabbed the papers, put them in my briefcase and decided to leave the office. I couldn’t do this now. Not while I was in this inner turmoil. Even though I knew eventually I was going to have to go behind Mila’s back, had in fact already gone behind Mila’s back, I just couldn’t do this now. Not when I knew she’d gone crying to Nonno about me. Not when Cody was watching my every move. Everyone was going to be blindsided and there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t ready for that move yet. I needed to go and see Mila. I needed to let her know that I was trying my best, and while I knew that would never be enough and wouldn’t be enough to stop the betrayal, it would have to do for now.
***
I called Mila as soon as I got to my car. “Hey, can you get out of work early today?” I sat in the driver’s seat, my keys on the ignition, waiting, before I drove off.
“Not sure, why?” she asked curiously. “Is there another business meeting that you need me to attend?”
“No.” Kinda.
“Oh okay? Any more information would be nice.” She laughed and I smiled in response.
“I thought we could do something. Just the two of us,” I said softly. “Let me apologize for overreacting in the restaurant last week.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “We all do things we regret sometimes. I already forgive you.”
“Thank you,” I said, my heart swelling. Mila really was too good for me. “But does that mean that you don’t want to play hooky with me today?”
“What does playing hooky with you mean exactly?” she asked, teasing me, and I felt my loins stirring. She knew me all too well.
“It means we’re going to have some fun.”
“Up on a roof sort of fun?” she whispered.
“Would that be so bad?” My heart thudded.
“No,” she said lightly and my heart soared.
“So play hooky with me?”
“Shouldn’t you be working, TJ?” She giggled. “I know I should be working. Stuff around here isn’t good.” She sighed. “I’m worried.”
“Why?” I asked softly, though I already knew her family business was in
trouble.
“My parents are arguing all the time and I know we’ve lost a lot of revenue.” She spoke quietly. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I really shouldn’t leave early.”
“We can talk about, it if you want,” I said, my heart going out for her. “And are you really working hard right now or are you goofing off and texting with Sally?”
“We only sent a few texts.” She giggled.
“A few hundred?”
“Something like that,” she admitted. “Okay, fine. Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise,” I said happily. “Meet me at home in thirty minutes.”
“Yes, sir,” she said and I knew she was rolling her eyes at my bossy tone.
“Good girl.” I chuckled and then I hung up before she could reply.
***
“So where are we going?” Mila asked me eagerly as she sat in my front seat and stretched her arms out.
“It’s a surprise. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“Until you tell me where we’re going.”
“It’s not going to happen,” I said and looked over at her. “How are you feeling?” I said, my voice quieter as I gazed at her, trying to figure out how she was feeling inside. There was so much going on between us and at her work. I knew her happy exterior was just a facade, especially considering what Cody had told me about her visit with Nonno. I knew I was going to have to talk to Nonno. He was bound to have questions. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. Everything was turning out to be so much more complicated than I’d ever thought it was going to be.
“I’m okay.” She shrugged and gave me a small smile. “Why?”
“I know you’re upset with me,” I said honestly. “I know this is a lot more complicated than we both thought it was going to be when we talked about this fake engagement.”
“It’s fine.” Her eyes looked away from mine. “It’s fun, right? I mean, let’s just concentrate on that.”
“This isn’t about fun,” I said seriously. “I hope you understand that, Mila.”
“I do.” She nodded. “Let’s just enjoy the day. We don’t need to have a serious talk.” She looked at me with the sweetest smile I’d ever seen and my heart dropped as I realized just how much she meant to me.