by J. S. Cooper
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I started and she reached over and grabbed my arm.
“TJ, it’s fine. We’re fine. I spoke to Nonno yesterday and I’m feeling better. We just need to be ourselves and what’s going to happen will happen.”
“What does that mean?” I frowned.
“It just means we can’t force anything.” Her voice sounded wistful. “And, well, I don’t wanna be the person who tries to force something that isn’t there. I don’t want to be that girl.”
“What girl?” My hands gripped the steering wheel.
“It doesn’t matter.” She sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Mila,” I said softly as I headed onto the highway, “we’re going to talk about it.”
“I don’t want to,” she said, almost pouting.
“Mila.” I glanced at her. “Talk to me. Please.”
“Let’s just say, I’ve spent too many years thinking with feelings and emotions and I don’t want to be that person anymore.” She looked out of the window. “I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’ve said things. Done things. And now I look back and think, what was the point? What did it get me?”
“Are you talking about another guy again?” I said, jealousy stirring in the pit of my stomach. “Is there some guy you regret being with?”
“It’s not that.” She sighed again and I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop myself. “I just don’t want to be the girl floating around with her head in the clouds anymore. I don’t want to be the girl who’s dreaming of rainbows and butterflies on a day that’s thunderstorming.”
“What girl do you want to be?”
“I want to be the girl who dances in the rain. I want to be the girl who jumps in puddles. I want to be the girl who can stare at the gray sky and watch the lightning and know it’s okay to appreciate the darkness. I don’t want to be the girl who can only survive in the sunshine. Life’s not all sunshine. I don’t want to pretend that it is anymore.”
“I want your life to be all sunshine,” I said before I could stop myself.
“I know you do.” She nodded. “You care for me. I know that.”
“But?” I said, glancing at her.
“But nothing.” She rubbed the temples on her forehead. “When you live in the clouds, sometimes you just have to come back to earth every once in a while.”
“I see,” I said and my stomach sank. What was she saying? Did she no longer love me? Did she no longer want to be with me? Did she no longer care what I thought? Was she giving up on me? As much as that should have made me feel better, it didn’t. It felt like a dagger through my gut.
“Let’s just enjoy our day together,” she said simply. “Let’s enjoy our four weeks together and then when it’s over we can go back to being friends. Maybe we’ll even be best friends now.”
“That’s what you want?” I said, my stomach tightening. “To be best friends?”
“Sure. You’re a great guy. I think maybe we’ve been destined to be best friends.”
“Even though you have Sally and I have Cody?”
“They’re still our best friends, but we have another kind of best friendship,” she said and then sighed. “You know what I mean? Maybe we’re soulmates, but on a different level.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I said and then turned the radio on. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if she was saying this stuff because she really believed it or because I’d broken her. Maybe she didn’t want to waste her time loving someone who couldn’t love her back. She didn’t say anything else after that and neither did I. I wasn’t really sure what to say. She already knew what I thought about soulmates and one true love. I didn’t believe in it. And she knew that. I thought there were multiple people out there for everyone. You just had to make it work, if a serious relationship was something that you really wanted. I knew she hated that. I knew she wanted to believe in a fairy tale. I didn’t think it was safe or healthy. I think it set people up for devastation and despair. How could there only be one person? How could one person mean so much to one person? It wasn’t good. What if it didn’t work out? What if one person fell out of love? It would be too hard. Someone might not be able to take it. Someone might kill themselves. No, it was unrealistic and too scary a prospect to think that there was only one true love for everyone. Though, that didn’t stop an inner hope in me that she thought I was her one. I nearly slammed on the brakes as I realized that. I wanted Mila to think I was her soulmate. I wanted her to think I was her one. Even though I didn’t believe in it myself. I knew it was selfish of me. I knew I could never be that man in her life, yet I couldn’t make that feeling go away. I was a horrible, selfish person. An absolutely horrible person.
“We’re here,” I said as we pulled up outside the stables.
“We’re going riding?” She looked surprised as she undid her seatbelt. “That wasn’t what I expected.”
“What were you expecting?” I grinned at her.
“Aw, you’ll never know.” She winked at me and jumped out of the car and slammed the door. I jumped out and locked the doors and hurried over to her.
“Tell me.” I grinned, wondering exactly what she thought we’d be doing and where.
“Nope.” She grinned back at me.
“Come on, maybe you’ll give me a good idea.”
“Maybe you don’t need any more good ideas.” She laughed. “Now take me riding or I will pout.”
“I don’t want you pouting.” I grabbed her hand. “Come on, then.” And I guided her towards the office, where I knew they were waiting for me with two chestnut mares.
“So how come you took today off?” Mila asked me as we walked towards the stables. “I thought you were a dedicated employee?”
“Sometimes we all need a break, right?” I answered casually, ignoring the feeling in my gut that told me to tell her exactly what was going on.
“You can say that again.” She sighed loudly. “I just don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re bleeding money. Nothing is going right and Mom and Dad can’t agree on the next step and they don’t want to go to Nonno for advice.”
“Why not?” I asked hesitantly. “He ran the business successfully for years, so why wouldn’t they ask him for his advice?”
“I guess maybe pride? Or they’re ashamed. Like, I think Nonno knows the economy is bad right now, but I don’t know if he knows just how badly we’re doing.” She chewed on her lower lip. “I wanted to mention it to him, but I thought it would be too much.”
“Why would it be too much?” I asked her, studying the side of her face as she played with her hair.
“Well, I didn’t want to inundate him with all my problems.”
“All your problems?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “How many do you have?”
“A few.” She laughed. “Just a few.”
“Am I one of the problems?” I asked dumbly, knowing the answer already.
“Could you ever be a problem, TJ?” she teased me and I laughed.
“Nope, never. I could never be a problem.” I laughed as well and we entered the office. There was a young girl sitting behind the desk who was wearing a riding hat and I walked over to her. “Hi, I’m TJ Walker. I booked two horses for an afternoon ride.”
“Oh, hi, Mr. Walker.” She jumped up and grinned. “We got the two mares ready for you. We’ll just get you some hats and crops. You guys have been riding before, right?”
“Yup.” I nodded and looked over at Mila, who was grinning in excitement. “You look happy.”
“I love riding.” She nodded at me, but of course I already knew that. That was why I’d planned the afternoon adventure. “This is so cool. Thank you.”
“No, thank yous needed. I wanted us to have a good time. Time for just us. That isn’t about work, or the agreement.”
“Or me going on and on about love.” She laughed and then blushed.
“Let’s just have a good afternoon.” I reached over and squeezed he
r hand and she nodded. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. A part of me felt guilty, like I was leading Mila on, in a way. I wanted to make it clear to her that this was never going to result in the true love that she wanted, but I was too selfish to just let her go completely. If I was a good guy, I’d stop sleeping with her and I’d just treat her as a friend, but I guess I wasn’t a good guy. I craved her and I wasn’t about to stop my addiction just yet.
“I’m down for that.” She nodded and her eyes glazed over for a few seconds, before she started smiling again. “Let’s go gallop.”
“I’m down for that.” I winked at her and she burst out laughing.
“You’re incorrigible, TJ. I swear, you really are.”
“That’s what they all say,” I said and she stuck her tongue out at me. I grabbed her around the waist and then pulled her towards me and gave her a big kiss. “But you’re the only one I care about that says it to me,” I whispered against her lips and I watched as her eyes lit up happily.
***
“I’m out of breath,” Mila said as we got off of the horses to take a break from riding. “This is a really beautiful setting,” she said as she looked around the lush green field. “I can’t believe I’ve never been here before.”
“I know. I can’t believe you’ve never been here before either.” I smiled at her as she bent down to smell some wildflowers.
"This has been really fun," Mila said, her eyes bright and her face flushed as she looked up at me. "Should we head back to the stables now? It's going to be dark soon."
"No, I think we'll be okay," I said and grabbed the bag the girl had given me before we rode off. "We'll let the horses roam for a bit while we sit."
"Sit?" she asked me, surprised.
"We'll sit and eat."
"What are we eating?" She looked down at the flowers again and then at me and I laughed.
“No, Mila. I have a picnic.”
“You have a picnic?” She looked at me with a shocked expression. “Where?”
“In my pants.”
“TJ!”
“I’m joking.” I winked at her and opened the bag that the girl had given me. “Let’s sit.” I sat down on the grass and Mila sat down next to me. I took out two turkey club sandwiches, a bag of chips, some chocolate chip cookies and grapes. “I’m afraid I don’t have any wine or champagne, but I do have plenty of water.”
“Wow, this is amazing. And so thoughtful.” She looked at me with a curious expression. “I have to admit I’m surprised.”
“Why? You didn’t think I could be romantic?”
“I—I don’t really know.” She shrugged. “I’m touched you did this for me.”
“I’m a nice guy, underneath it all.” I smiled at her and handed her a sandwich. “I know that might be hard to believe, but I am a nice guy.”
“I never thought you were a bad guy.”
“That’s good.” I opened the bag of chips and then passed it to her. “Salt and vinegar, I hope that’s okay.”
“You know I love salt and vinegar.” She grinned and grabbed a handful. “You’re just being modest now.”
“Who me?” I laughed and watched as she eagerly ate some chips.
“Yes, you.” She took a bite of her sandwich and I just watched her eating as we sat there. “Aren’t you hungry?” She made a face at me as she chewed. “You’re just staring at me weirdly.”
“That’s because you have a weird face.”
“You have a weird face.” She glared at me.
“Not as weird as yours.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her. “Are you from Mars?”
“No, I’m from Uranus.” She giggled.
“You’re from my anus?” I teased her. “Nice to meet you, part of my body.”
“You’re so gross, TJ Walker.” She leaned over and hit me in the shoulder and I grabbed her arm and pulled it up so I could tickle her. “TJ.” She squealed. “Stop, stop.”
“Stop or what?” I laughed as I pinned her down to the ground. Her eyes were dancing as she pushed against me.
“I’ll kick you in the nuts.” She giggled as she wiggled against me.
“I’d like to see you try.” I winked at her, and leaned my chest down on her lightly. “I don’t think you’d do it,” I said as I kissed her lightly.
“Oh really?” she said breathlessly, kissing me back lightly.
“Really,” I said as I kissed the side of her face and ran my hands through her hair. She reached up and ran her hands down my back and I let my chest crush against her breasts. We rolled over onto our sides and our legs entwined together.
“Really,” she said, her eyes fluttering open as she pulled back slightly. “I can do it now and prove it to you.”
“Do what?” I growled at her as my hand crawled up to her breast and squeezed.
“You know what.” She moaned as I pinched her nipple lightly and I could feel her nails digging into my arms.
“You can do that, but if you do, I won’t be able to do this,” I said and pushed my hardness into her belly. I could feel her body shaking as I held her and I slipped my other hand under her top and under her bra.
“TJ, don’t.” She tried to push my hand away. “Someone might see.”
“Who?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “The horses?” I leaned over and sucked on her neck. “I don’t think they care.”
“Oh, TJ,” she moaned and I felt her hand reaching down to my hardness and squeezing. I grinned as I felt her pressing her breast against the palm of my hand.
“Yes, dear Mila?” I asked as I pulled her top off and then undid her bra.
“Don’t stop,” she whispered as I bent down and took her nipple in my mouth. “Just don’t stop.” She purred as I nibbled on her breast lightly and I growled against her while I felt myself growing even harder.
Chapter Ten
Mila
“So you guys had fun horse riding, huh?” Sally asked with narrowed eyes as she gazed at me.
“Yes, he just wanted to surprise me and clear the air,” I said as I looked around TJ’s apartment to make sure it was clean and presentable for our first dinner party. “It was amazing.”
“Clear the air?” Sally cocked her head. “You mean because you’re in love with him and he’s an ass?”
“No.” I shook my head at her and sighed. “It’s been intense between us and maybe I’ve been pushing it too much. TJ never made any promises to me. I like him. He likes me. We’re having fun and I’m helping him with a business deal. That’s it.”
“You’re having kinky sex with him and you love him. That’s just a little bit more complicated than what you just said.” Sally put her hands on her hips and her lips thinned. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.” She sighed. “We both know that. But you’re telling yourself you’re fine because you want to be with him.”
“Sally, not tonight, please.”
“Fine.” She shrugged. “Not tonight. Tonight we will have fun, but it’s something you need to think about seriously. The more you give of yourself, the more it’s going to hurt at the end.”
“So you’re not even pretending that you think there’s going to be a good ending for me now?”
“What do I know?” She sighed again and gave me a weak smile. “I’m just worried for you. You know what they say about guys. Take them at their word. If he says he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want a serious relationship, well, that’s what he means.”
“Yeah,” I said and looked away from her, my heart pounding and my head starting to feel sad again.
“Ignore me.” She grabbed my hands and gave me a huge smile. “I’m just bitter because Cody doesn’t have the time of day for me.”
“Didn’t he call you last week?”
“Yeah, it was just some random call to talk about you.” She made a face. “It wasn’t to ask me on a date or anything.”
“Aw, he’s trying, though.” I gave her a weak
smile, but really didn’t know what else to say. Why was Cody calling her? And did he know the depth of her feelings for him? I knew that TJ knew I loved him, but I didn’t know if he knew just how deeply I loved and adored him. It was an embarrassing and scary thought thinking he knew just how much I wanted him.
“How do I look?” Sally spun around in her cute, short black-and-white dress, and I grinned at her as she changed the subject.
“You look absolutely gorgeous and you know that.”
“I do look pretty hot.” She giggled as she flicked her hair behind her shoulders and smiled at me, her bright red lips glistening on her glowing face. Her big brown eyes were radiating confidence and her eyelashes looked longer than I’d ever seen them with her new mascara. Sally looked absolutely gorgeous and I knew that she was hoping that Cody, when he arrived, would notice as well. I didn’t know what to think about that. Cody was my brother and I loved him, but I didn’t think he deserved someone like Sally, at least not how he had been treating her recently. She deserved an amazing man who would sweep her off of her feet and show her that she was his world, and I wasn’t sure if Cody was confident enough to be the man to do that.
“You look amazing as well.” Sally grinned at me and then whistled. “Absolutely beautiful. Being engaged is really doing it for you. Have you also lost some weight?” She looked at me again and tilted her head.
“I’ve lost about ten pounds.” I nodded and sighed. “I haven’t really been able to eat or sleep,” I admitted. “I haven’t really been working out or dieting. I just have all this nervous pent-up energy.”
“Oh no.” Sally frowned and looked at me. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I guess I just feel so frustrated.” I lowered my voice. “You know how much I love TJ. You know that I want to be with him forever. You know that, well, he’s the one who has had my heart forever. And, well, I feel like every day I spend with him, I fall in love with him deeper and deeper, but I also keep making a longer crack in my heart. I don’t know how I’m going to survive after this ends.” I bit down on my lower lip, my eyes wide as I stared at her. The empty, sinking feeling entered my stomach again and I took a deep breath. I could not cry now. I was fed up of crying. And I didn’t want to ruin my makeup. Smeared mascara and eyeliner didn’t look good. At all.