The Very Thought of You

by S. Anne Gardner

  Neither mother nor daughter wanted to relent or give the other a foothold so the silence grew heavy between them.

  Finally, Alex took a deep breath and spoke, her voice filled with pain and a note of weariness. “Mother, I have found someone to love who loves me. For the first time in years, I wake up and don’t want to die. You can’t imagine what it’s like to want to die every time you open your eyes. I wake up now and am hopeful that the day will not be full of memories that fill me with pain. She gives me joy, Mother. She makes the pain inside me bearable. Be happy for me. Can’t you be happy for me?” Alex finished softly, almost in a plea.

  “I can’t discuss this with you now, Alexandra…I can’t.”

  As the telephone line went dead, Alex held the telephone against her ear until the buzzing shook her out of her trance. She replaced the receiver in its cradle as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

  Chapter 11

  “Alex!” Carly called out.

  “Hey, small fry.” She opened her arms and they were immediately filled with a very energetic little blonde person. “Where’s mom?”

  “Inside. Are we going somewhere today?”

  “Yes, we’re going to the Bronx Zoo.”

  “The what zoo?”

  “The Bronx Zoo, it’s a wonderful place. You’re going to love it.” Alex started to tickle the child’s tummy.

  “Stop!” yelled Carly in laughter.

  “Now take me to your leader or the tickle monster will attack,” Alex said in a low voice. She put Carly down and chased her into the house.

  “Mom, Mom,” Carly yelled as she ran through the door chased by the tickle monster.

  “Whoa, what is going on?” Reese asked as she entered the living room.

  Alex immediately took Reese into her arms. “Tickle monster needed to be fed.”

  “Oh really?” Reese smiled from her daughter to Alex.

  “Yes,” Carly said very seriously.

  “Oh, well, proceed then.” Reese stepped out of Alex’s embrace. Carly squealed as Alex chased after her, leaving Reese laughing.

  †

  “You think she had a nice day at the zoo?” Alex asked softly as she and Reese put a sleeping Carly to bed.

  “I think she had a blast.”

  “Here, I’ll put those in the hamper in her bathroom.” Alex grabbed the clothes that Carly had worn to the zoo.

  “Okay, I’ll finish putting on the pajamas.”

  Alex stopped and smiled.

  Reese smiled back before Alex turned around and left the room.

  An hour later, they sat in the living room finally making plans about their future.

  “We should talk to her, don’t you think?” Alex said with concern in her voice.

  “Yes, we will talk to her tomorrow,” Reese said as she moved closer to Alex.

  “I mean, I want her to be happy with all this.”

  “She will be happy. She loves you,” Reese said, getting even closer.

  “I want her to, you know, look at me someday like I…I don’t know,” Alex mumbled.

  “Like her mother,” Reese said, finishing the sentence for her.

  Alex looked up into loving eyes and answered, “Yes, like I’m her mother.”

  “Oh, love, she looks at you that way already,” Reese said as she ran her fingers through Alex’s hair and was rewarded with a sweet smile.

  “You think so?”

  “I know so.”

  “I love you, Reese Allison Owens.”

  Reese gave her a big smile before she asked, “Who told you my middle name?”

  “Our daughter,” Alex said before her mouth sought its mate.

  “Alex…I don’t want you to go,” Reese said huskily.

  Alex’s mouth found Reese’s. It never stopped surprising her how in one moment, with a mere word from the woman in her arms, her body became filled with desire. She had wanted Reese all day. Her hands worked open the buttons on Reese’s blouse then reached in and cupped the breasts that she sought with desperation.

  Reese gasped, her senses overwhelmed by the need Alex produced in her. From the very first moment they met, Alex had been able to reduce her defenses to nothing. Reese surrendered to the passion every time Alex touched her. Matching Alex’s desperation her hands pulled at Alex’s slacks.

  Their passion overrode any sense of waiting. Mouths tasted and hands touched. Moans of pleasure and of need filled the space of their world. They fused with such want that all else dissipated as they reached the peak of their passion simultaneously. Finally, sleep claimed them and they fell asleep in each other’s embrace.

  †

  The light coming through the window awakened Alex. She felt the body of the woman she loved partially on her and kissed the blonde hair smiling as she held Reese closer. Still half asleep, she looked around at her surroundings and then her eyes flew open. They had fallen asleep on the sofa, and they were both naked. Her eyes got even wider when she heard Carly coming down the stairs. She grabbed a shawl from the back of the sofa and tried covering them as much as possible.

  Reese just got closer and held on tighter to her lover.

  “Reese…Reese, Carly is coming down the stairs,” Alex whispered.

  “That’s nice, sweetheart,” Reese mumbled, half asleep.

  “Reese, sweetheart, you and I are naked,” Alex said into her ear.

  Reese’s eyes flew open.

  “Good morning, guys,” Carly said as she sat on the chair across from the two partially covered women lying together on the sofa. “Can we go to McDonald’s for breakfast?”

  Both women nodded their heads in affirmation.

  “Mom, can I go over to Ben’s house? He called and invited me to come over today. I forgot to ask you,” Carly finished saying with a yawn.

  “Sure, honey, we’ll talk about it, okay? Why don’t you go and get dressed so we can have breakfast,” Reese encouraged.

  “Okay,” Carly said as she walked up the stairs.

  Reese and Alex stared at one another and smiled. “I guess that takes care of one conversation,” Alex said.

  “Carly knows about me, Alex. I have always been honest with her. I will confess that I spoke to her about us.”

  “You did?”

  “Well, not exactly, but I did tell her that I love you and she understands that you love me and we love her, so she is okay, because she is happy and secure with our love for her. I just didn’t expect to test it like this that’s all,” Reese said with a smile.

  “Reese, I want this to work. I need this to work. I was worried that she wouldn’t understand.”

  “You worry too much, you know that?”

  “You have mentioned that before.”

  “We better get dressed.”

  “Yes, I can only take one heart attack a day,” Alex said in relief.

  †

  Alex and Reese agreed that only Carly and Alex should go to McDonald’s for breakfast. Reese was sure about how Carly felt about them but she realized that Alex needed to have the conversation with Carly in order for Alex to put her doubts to rest. Only Carly could take those doubts from her. Reese was touched at Alex’s concern for Carly’s feelings.

  †

  “How is that hash brown?” Alex asked.

  “Yummy! I wish we could have McDonald’s all the time.”

  “Well, if we did, maybe it wouldn’t be so special would it?”

  “Maybe,” Carly said after a pause.

  “Hey, kiddo, I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Okay, what about?”

  Uncomfortable, Alex said, “About your mom and me.”

  “Are you going away again?” Carly asked visibly upset.

  “No…no, I want to live with both of you forever and ever,” Alex said quickly.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, I want to make sure that it’s okay with you.” Alex waited anxiously.

  “You mean you would be like a second mom and all that?” Carly asked.


  “I would like to be if you let me.” Alex waited nervously.

  “Yeah, I would like that, Alex,” Carly replied with a smile.

  “I love you to infinity and back again you know,” Alex said as her eyes filled with tears.

  “Yeah, I know.” Carly smiled and put her small hand over Alex’s bigger one.

  “You know, I love your mom very much,” Alex said, preparing herself for the latter part of her speech.

  “I know,” Carly agreed as she started munching on her hash brown again.

  Alex took a long breath and continued. “Carly, when two people love each other like your mom and I do, they...well, they want to build a life together. They want to plan a future and build it so that it will last. And in order to do that, it must be built on honesty and love.” Alex looked at Carly who stared at her in confusion. “Okay, let me try again. When two people love each other like your mom and I do...”

  “Alex?”

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “You and Mom and me should all live together, right?”

  “Yes, I would like that very much,” Alex answered in astonishment.

  “Where will we live? At your house or ours?” Carly asked as she started to chew on her hash brown again.

  “Umm…well, that is a very good question. I thought maybe we should all look for a new house together. You know, like something for all of us to choose as a family. What do you think about that?” Alex asked.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You don’t like the idea?”

  “Can it have a pool like your house?”

  “Absolutely,” Alex said with a big smile.

  “Okay, that’s a plan then.”

  “Well, I think we better talk to your mom about it don’t you?”

  “Yeah,” Carly returned the smile.

  Chapter 12

  “Katherine! What is going on over there?”

  Kate pulled the phone away from her ear. “Hello, Mother.”

  “Katherine, have you talked to your sister lately?”

  “Mother, I know all about Reese and Alex.” Kate prepared herself for the verbal onslaught from her uptight mother.

  “Katherine, why didn’t you call us? She needs to see a psychiatrist. I didn’t realize that she had gotten worse. Dear Lord, if people find out her reputation will be ruined.”

  “Mother, how could you say such a thing? Alexandra has thought about nothing but others all her life. She was the good daughter…the perfection you and Daddy wanted her to be. This time it’s her turn, Mother. Don’t ruin it for her. She loves Reese; she needs her. Alex has come back to us, Mother. If you could only see how happy she is now,” Kate said, trying to persuade her mother.

  “Katherine Anne, you surprise me. You have known about this for a while haven’t you?” Vanessa asked in indignation.

  “Mother, you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Alex is no longer suicidal! Do you understand it now? I honestly thought that one day I would get the call that she was dead.” Kate only heard silence so she continued. “You didn’t want to see it; neither did Daddy. Would it be better if she had died, Mom? My sister is alive and actually looking forward to living. Remember that next time you talk to her.”

  “Katherine, you know I love, Alexandra,” Vanessa said softly.

  “Maybe you should let her know it.”

  “I don’t think I can handle this situation with Alexandra,” Vanessa said honestly.

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Mother. I will be here for her. I love her as she is now more than how she was before she met Reese.”

  After a long silence, Vanessa abruptly ended the conversation. “I will talk to you later, Katherine, love to Rob and Kevin. We will see you all for Thanksgiving.”

  Kate hung up the phone and a sigh. This would hurt Alex terribly. Thanksgiving was going to be a real trial.

  “God, I hope Alex is strong enough for this,” Kate said sadly to herself.

  †

  “Hello, you two,” Reese welcomed Alex and Carly into the house after their breakfast trip to McDonald’s.

  “Hi, Mom. Alex and I have something that we would like to talk to you about,” Carly said excitedly.

  “You do, huh?”

  “Yes, we have some family decisions to make,” Carly said with a grin. Reese looked at Alex and her reward—a huge smile.

  †

  “Well, that is making progress. You two are going to start looking for a house soon?” Rose asked.

  “This weekend. We called a realtor and listed both houses. Dealing with two moves is going to be hazardous to all our health. We have to get rid of tons of junk and then somehow mix what we both have. I don’t know…it may be better just to start from scratch.

  “I do know this is going to be really hard on Alex,” Reese said sadly.

  “Yeah, she’s going to have to dismantle Teddy’s room,” Rose agreed.

  “Rose, this is going to be really hard. You didn’t see her that night. She fell to pieces. I don’t know how she is going to take doing this.” Reese’s voice was filled with her concern.

  “Like she said to you before, a day at a time. She has you now. She didn’t have that before. Reese, you make her happy, and from what I have heard, that is something she hasn’t been in a long time.” Rose tried to reassure her friend.

  “Rose, she comes across as so strong and unapproachable sometimes to people. I have seen her just cut somebody up with her words both in her office and out of it. They all think she is made of stone. She’s not like that, Rose. She is so frail inside. If you touch her wounds she falls to pieces; I think in some ways it is only now that she is dealing with losing Teddy. God, that night I thought her pain would kill her. I’m afraid, Rose, I’m afraid,” Reese finished as her eyes started spilling over with tears. Rose took in her into her arms.

  †

  Alex had taken to staying at Reese’s house during the week. This way she was there to tuck in Carly and help get her ready for school. Loving Reese had made her feel alive again. Loving Carly had helped fill some of the emptiness that losing Teddy had left in her.

  One afternoon, she had gone to pick up something at the store and quite suddenly turned toward her house. Alex walked in and looked around. This had been her home, one she shared with Teddy. She had taught him to swim in the pool. She remembered how many times he had come down those stairs. And in her memory, she became lost in her past…

  “Mommy! Mommy! Come on.” Teddy ran out and jumped in the pool. Alex had splashed in right behind him.

  “I got you!” Alex exclaimed as she picked him up as they played in the water.

  “Teach me how to swim underwater, Mom.”

  “Okay, I’ll tell you what, when Daddy drops you off tomorrow, we will go get a snorkel and fins and then we can start practicing next weekend. Okay?”

  “Oh, Mom, why can’t we do it now?”

  “’Cause we are in the pool, wet and all, you silly monkey,” Alex said as she tickled Teddy until he squealed.

  Later that night, James had picked him up. She kissed Teddy and tousled his hair. As they drove away, she could see him turn and wave goodbye to her through the back window. She remembered waving back. Later that night she figured she would surprise him so she went to buy the snorkel and fins at the sports store. She would have them gift-wrapped.

  Alex walked to the hall closet and took out the gift-wrapped boxes. She held them to her and leaned against the wall, sliding down to the floor. Her anguish echoed throughout the empty house. The tears kept coming as she continued to hold onto the packages for a very long time.

  She relived that last day with Teddy over and over again. She was lost in her memories, lost in her pain. Hours later, when Reese found Alex she knelt down in front of her and reached a hand out to caress Alex’s face. Alex couldn’t speak and the tears came again. She clutched the boxes to her again and looked down at them.

  Reese looked down as well before pulling Alex gently into her embra
ce. “I love you, Alex, I love you,” she whispered into Alex’s ear.

  Alex reached out for her as the sobbing shook her body. Reese held on tightly.

  “He’s gone. I promised I would teach him to snorkel. See?” Alex pulled away long enough to show Reese the boxes that were now crushed to her. “Reese, it hurts. It hurts so much,” Alex said as she went once again into the only arms that gave her any comfort.

  Reese cried with her and held her tightly. After a long time Alex looked into the eyes of her lover. Because that is what Reese was to her. Reese was love; love had finally come to save her.

  Reese caressed Alex’s face. “We can live here if you want, Alex. I want you to be happy.”

  Alex smiled weakly. “No, we have a life to build you and I. Carly deserves a home. This was Teddy’s home, not Carly’s. Teddy will be with me forever. Carly deserves her own time and space.”

  “Alex, I love you more than my heart can bear sometimes.” Reese’s tear-filled eyes expressed so much love. “My daughter is blessed to have you in her life.”

  Reese leaned over and kissed Alex’s mouth lightly. They both got up and Reese held Alex as they walked to the front door. Pausing for a moment, Alex put the crushed boxes on a coffee table. As they walked outside, she turned around and looked back once more before shutting the door. This had been her time with Teddy. She knew she had to let this house go so that she could build a life with Reese and Carly. After all, her memories would always be with her. She had the laughter and the joy that Teddy had given her. Reese had given her that back. Reese made her remember the joy. Alex said her good-byes and they walked away.