The Very Thought of You

by S. Anne Gardner

  “Good for you, Alex. Good for you.” Kate’s voice showed the smile that she displayed.

  “Hey! I’m getting married,” Alex said excitedly.

  “You’re what?”

  “You know, married? As in forever and ever?” Alex laughed. “When Reese wakes up and we’ve all had breakfast, we’ll come over and make plans okay?”

  “Sounds great. I’ll prepare lunch for all of us. And, Alex…”

  “Yeah?”

  “You did good, sis.”

  “Thanks, Kate. Thanks.” Alex hung up the phone and found Reese looking at her.

  “Good morning,” Reese said with a dreamy smile.

  “Good morning,” Alex replied, holding her tighter.

  “Alex?”

  “Yes, love?”

  “I need you.”

  Alex smiled.

  †

  Alex was about to knock on Kate’s door when it swung open and Kate pulled them all inside excitedly.

  “Okay, start to spill,” Kate said excitedly.

  “Hello to you too,” Alex said with a big grin on her face.

  “Where is Kevin?” Carly asked immediately.

  “He is on the jungle gym, honey, why don’t you go out and play with him.”

  “A jungle gym?” asked Alex.

  “Rob’s new project.”

  Reese smiled. Rob was always on a new project. Reese really liked him. He was always one surprise after another. And as much as Kate would get exasperated every time he ‘took on another project,’ as she put it, you couldn’t fail to see the look of love in her eyes every time she said his name.

  “Does he ever get tired of new projects?” Alex teased.

  The two sisters were now going at it.

  Reese rolled her eyes in faked exasperation.

  “I’m going to the kitchen for coffee,” Reese said and left them both standing there.

  Alex and Kate looked at each other and started to laugh at the same time as they followed Reese to the kitchen.

  “Okay, so spill,” said Kate again when all three were in the kitchen.

  Very proud of herself, Alex stated, “We are getting married.”

  “I got that part, genius,” mocked Kate.

  “We haven’t really made any plans yet,” Reese said, then looked adoringly to Alex whose face looked just as goofy.

  “Okay, okay you two. Lovey-dovey eyes later; details now,” Kate insisted. “How is this going to happen? Details please!”

  Reese and Alex smiled at one another and all three women started throwing out ideas.

  †

  “Hello, Uncle Rob.”

  “Uncle Rob? I kind of like the sound of that,” Rob said with a smile as he opened his arms for the little girl.

  He was rewarded with a smile and a kiss. “Thank you,” Rob said before releasing her.

  “Yeah, you’re my uncle now. Alex said that since I am her daughter now that you are my Uncle Rob.”

  Rob smiled.

  “Hi,” Carly said to a very upset-looking Kevin.

  “What does it mean? Are you supposed to be my cousin now?” asked Kevin.

  “Yep, we’re cousins.”

  Kevin took off running inside the house.

  Rob looked on in surprise.

  Carly looked rejected.

  Rob turned the little girl to face him. “Hey, Kevin is just confused. You know he thinks you are the cat’s meow right?” Rob tried to console the child whose eyes were filling with tears.

  †

  Kevin ran through the kitchen as the three women looked up. “Hey, no running in the house!” exclaimed Kate. “Kevin?” Kate got up and followed him.

  Reese and Alex looked at each other before they both were drawn to the kitchen door again.

  Rob was walking in with an obviously upset Carly in tow.

  “What happened?” Reese asked concerned as she went to kneel in front of her daughter. Alex looked up and Rob signaled her out of the kitchen.

  Alex and Rob left Carly and Reese in the kitchen and walked into the living room

  “What happened?” a concerned Alex asked.

  “Carly called me Uncle Rob, and Kevin got all upset and ran off.”

  “Why? I thought they got along great. They love playing together.” Alex could not figure out what was happening.

  “Where is Kate?”

  “She went after Kevin,” Alex said, distracted. “I better see how things are in the kitchen.”

  Alex walked into the kitchen to a still crying child.

  Reese was sitting in a chair with Carly on her lap, rocking her back and forth. “Honey, I’m sure he still likes you. He must have been upset about something else.” Reese tried to comfort her daughter.

  Alex just stood there not understanding what had just happened.

  †

  “Kevin?” Kate called as she entered her son’s room. “Hey, what’s wrong, sweetheart?”

  Kevin stood silently looking out the window.

  Kate walked up to him, pulled a chair over next to him, and sat down. “Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to be by myself,” he said seriously.

  “Ahh…I see.” Kate tried another approach. “Wouldn’t you rather play outside?”

  “No, I want to be up here,” he answered, looking down at his hands.

  “Did you get upset with Daddy?”

  “No.”

  “Why are you so moody?”

  “I’m not moody. I just want to be in my room.”

  Kate knew she was going nowhere fast. Kevin was so much like his aunt sometimes that she figured that was how she understood his withdrawals sometimes. “Kevin, honey, why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can help you.”

  Kevin looked at her with eyes full of questions. He chose to remain silent as he looked out the window again.

  Kate waited patiently as so many emotions crossed his face.

  Finally, he looked at her. “Is Carly my cousin now?” Kevin asked.

  A relieved Kate said, “Yes, honey. Aunt Alex and Reese are going to be a family. So yes, she is your family now too.” Kate smiled.

  “I don’t want her to be my cousin,” stated Kevin.

  Kate had not expected this. “Kevin, I thought you liked Carly.”

  Kevin looked away. “I don’t want her to be my cousin,” he repeated.

  “Why? You like her don’t you? She is the sweetest little thing.” Kate could not believe or understand why her son was reacting this way.

  “I don’t want her to be my cousin!” he yelled as he ran out of the room.

  “Kevin, Kevin!” Kate went after him.

  Kevin ran past Rob and out the front door.

  Alex walked into the living room and met Rob’s and Kate’s puzzled eyes. “What’s happened?” Alex asked.

  “Kevin is very upset and I don’t understand why. He just ran out the door,” Kate explained as she followed after her son. Rob and Alex stood confused. It seemed that all had fallen apart from one minute to another.

  †

  Kate walked back in a few minutes later. “I can’t find him, Rob, I’m worried.”

  Rob went over and took Kate into his arms. “I’ll go out and look for him. You just relax. I will find him, don’t worry.” He kissed Kate and went after Kevin.

  “I don’t know what happened,” Kate said as she sat down. “Where are Reese and Carly?”

  “Still in the kitchen. Carly won’t stop crying either. She’s really upset. I thought they got along really well. Do you think it’s because of me, Kate?” Alex’s face held the pain she tried to control.

  “You? Why you?”

  “You know, about my being gay and living with Reese. You think maybe that upset him?” Finally, what she feared was out.

  “No, Alex, I don’t think it was that,” Kate said, trying to reassure her.

  “Then why? He likes Reese and he loves Carly. That’s the only reason I c
ould think of…he must hate me, Kate.” Alex sounded really upset.

  “Alex, Kevin loves you. He thinks you are the greatest aunt…and, Alex you are. You have spent time with him and he knows you love him. He is more like you than me. God knows he is just as moody,” Kate finished saying in faked exasperation.

  “I love the little monster,” Alex said with a smile as tears rolled down her face.

  “Alex, it’s not what you think. We will figure this out.”

  †

  Rob finally found Kevin at the park playground sitting on a swing, dragging his feet in the dirt.

  “Hey there, sport. You left the womenfolk back there really worried,” Rob said and sat in the swing next to his son.

  Kevin just sat looking at the ground. Rob sat next to him for a while before he tried talking to him.

  “Want to tell me what’s really bothering you?”

  Kevin looked up at his father. He wanted to tell him but just couldn’t. “No.” Kevin said softly as his foot started playing with the dirt again.

  “You know, sometimes the only way to feel better is by talking to someone you trust.”

  They continued to sit in silence then suddenly Kevin said, “I don’t want Carly to be my cousin.”

  “Why?” Rob asked.

  “I just don’t want it,” Kevin answered, still looking at the ground.

  “You know it wouldn’t change anything if she became your cousin. That would mean that she would always be around. And I know you like playing together.” Rob tried another approach not understanding why his son was being so stubborn on this issue.

  Kevin looked up and met his eyes with a challenge. “It would change everything!”

  “No, Kevin, it wouldn’t.” Rob tried to reassure him.

  “I don’t want to be her cousin,” Kevin repeated again. “I don’t want to be her cousin.”

  “Then what would you like her to be?” Rob asked in controlled frustration.

  Kevin looked at his father again and then back at the ground.

  Suddenly, Rob understood what the problem was. He sat awhile longer in silence then tried talking to his son again. “You like her a lot don’t you?” Rob asked sympathetically.

  Kevin didn’t answer. “Yeah sure, she’s okay,” Kevin finally said casually.

  BINGO! thought Rob. “You know Uncle Tom married his cousin,” Rob mentioned just as casually.

  Kevin looked up right away. “Really?” Then he looked down at the dirt again.

  “Yeah,” Rob answered, looking up at the sky.

  “I thought cousins weren’t suppose to do that.” Kevin was finally talking.

  “Well, they weren’t really cousins. I mean they were cousins but by marriage. It’s okay to marry if you are cousins by marriage, you know.” Rob kept acting as if it were just a regular conversation then finally looked down at his son.

  Kevin was lost in his own thoughts.

  “You think maybe we should go back and finish building that jungle gym?” Rob asked.

  Kevin looked up with a smile. “Yeah, Mom wants it finished today.” Kevin got up and started walking.

  Rob smiled and shook his head as he followed his son home.

  †

  Kevin walked into the living room past Kate and Alex and went into the kitchen. He stopped in front of Reese, who was still holding Carly.

  “Want to go play?” Kevin asked Carly.

  “You’re not mad at me?” Carly asked sullenly.

  “No,” he answered looking ashamed. “It’s guy stuff. I’m okay now. Come on.” He reached out for her and she followed him out the kitchen door holding hands with a smile on her face.

  Reese just sat amazed.

  From the door, Alex and Kate stood staring as Rob walked past them and went to the refrigerator to get a soda. All three women stared at him.

  “You know, it’s just guy stuff,” he said as he walked out the kitchen door. Three women were left baffled and relieved.

  Chapter 15

  “Alex! Why are you still there?” Reese asked.

  “Reese, honey, something came up at the last minute,” Alex said into the telephone. “I am just finishing up, and I’ll meet you there. Okay, sweetheart?”

  “Okay, I’ll call Joanne and tell her we will be running about thirty minutes late to see the house again. And, Alex…”

  “Yes, love?”

  “I…I’m really nervous. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

  Reese sounded out of sorts to Alex. “It’s okay, why are you so nervous, love?” Alex sounded concerned now, the papers in front of her forgotten.

  “This is a big step, Alex. I…I love you.” Reese began to cry.

  “Reese, you’re crying!” Alex started getting up.

  “Alex…”

  “What’s wrong, Reese? I’m coming home.” Alex hung up and ran out the door.

  Fifteen minutes later, Alex walked in through the door and found Reese huddled on the far corner of the sofa. Alex walked up to her slowly. She sat down gently and Reese went straight into her arms. She caressed Reese’s hair gently and held her fiercely to her. “What’s wrong, baby?” Alex asked softly into Reese’s hair.

  “Alex, I would never hurt you,” said Reese.

  “I know that, darling. What’s got you so upset?”

  “Maybe we should wait before we get married,” Reese said. The silence was palpable.

  “You’ve changed your mind?” Alex’s voice sounded hollow. She could feel Reese’s body tense up.

  “I think that maybe we should take some time before we take this big step,” Reese answered.

  “Reese, is this what you want?” Alex thought her heart would break.

  “I think we have really rushed this and perhaps we should give this relationship a while. If it endures then maybe we should consider it further…”

  Before Reese finished Alex released her and got up.

  Reese could not tell what Alex’s reaction was. All she noticed was Alex’s shoulders straightened.

  “I think that’s a good idea, Reese. I’ll call Joanne to cancel. I’ll call you later.” Alex ran out the door.

  †

  “Kate, is Alex there?” Reese asked.

  Kate was silent on the other side of the telephone. “What’s wrong, Reese?”

  “I haven’t seen her since yesterday. We had words…” Reese broke down.

  “Reese, it will be fine. What happened?” Kate was worried. It wasn’t like Alex to just run off and not tell her.

  “It’s complicated, Kate. I think I made a mistake.” Reese wasn’t making any sense.

  “Reese, what happened?”

  “Kate, I was so confused. I love her, Kate. I love her…” Reese started crying.

  “Oh, shit.”

  Something inside Kate told her that she had to find Alex. It all felt so wrong and yet so familiar. Memories of what had happened to Alex after Teddy’s death flooded her mind, causing her anxiety to rise dramatically. She was almost hysterical with worrying that her sister had hurt herself and she would lose her again. Alex had finally come back from the terrible loss of her son, had finally allowed herself to feel again, to take a chance on life and to allow love to fill not only her body but her very soul. Kate looked down at her hands and noticed they were trembling. She kept staring at her hands when suddenly a horrific thought filled her mind and she bolted into action.

  “Oh God, God no,” Kate said as she ran to her car.

  †

  Kate drove through the iron gates of Deslend Cemetery. Kate felt her chest tighten the closer she got to her destination. The cemetery looked empty and cold, the trees bare and barren, the stones of the graves looking forlorn and desolate. Nothing moved, nothing even appeared to be alive as fall claimed nature, pulling it toward the deathly sleep of winter.

  “Oh, God, please let her be okay, please,” Kate kept repeating as she scanned the graveyard, her eyes searching for just a hint of color among the white and gray. Not even the
leaves held any of their former color as they lay on the ground, adding to the sense of abandoned death.

  Kate pulled over and looked toward the big white stone of an angel, a statue she had helped pick out. She got out of the car, heading toward the statue. As she got closer she spotted a black coat on the ground near the statue and immediately recognized the coat as Alex’s. Her eyes focused on a gray mound amongst the fallen leaves, and she ran. Kate stopped and stared at Alex’s body lying on top of Teddy’s grave. She fell to her knees.

  “Alexandra, get up!” Kate yelled not daring to touch her. Alex did not stir. “Oh, God, Alex, don’t do this to me. Please, Alex, please get up!” She cried. She didn’t think she could bear this, especially after she had just gotten Alex back. Alex stirred and got up on her knees, her skirt and blouse wrinkled and dirty. Her eyes expressionless. Kate barreled into her, wrapping her arms around her sister, feeling the cold of her body against her. “Alex, oh, Alex!” Kate held on tightly as the cried into her sister’s hair.

  Alex said nothing as she fell into Kate’s embrace. Kate held her tightly. “It’s okay, Alex. We are going to make it, okay. Nothing we can’t fix together, remember?” Kate kept talking as she stroked Alex’s hair. “Reese is worried about you, you know. She called me crying.”

  “She doesn’t want me, Kate.” Alex’s voice was rough and low. “I’m so tired, Kate. I’m just so tired,” she finished in a whisper.

  Alex’s hand opened and out spilled white pills. Kate looked horrified. She pulled Alex away from her and stared into her eyes. A new fear took over her heart. “Alex! Alex did you take some?” Kate was hysterical now. “Alex, look at me!”

  Alex looked at Kate in confusion then down at her hand.

  “No.”

  Kate pulled her back into her embrace. Both sat hanging on to one another on Teddy’s grave. Kate held Alex tightly like a child as she rocked back and forth.