“Anyway,” continued Harr, “this ship has brought me from far in the galaxy because a group of people who are greater in capability than me have told me to come here and destroy you. It seems you two are the key to the technological advancement to this world.”
“Us?” asked Grog.
“How do you figure?” said Vlak.
“You’re smart,” Harr replied. “That means that eventually you’ll have kids who are even smarter than you.”
“Look, pal, we told you that none of the women are into us.”
“Yeah,” agreed Vlak. “No need to rub our noses in it.”
“My guess is that the women eventually will be interested in you,” Harr replied, “because in about four thousand years this planet will be very advanced, and that will all stem from your bloodline.”
Grog leaned forward. “Extrapolation, eh? I’d like to see that algorithm.”
“Me too,” agreed Vlak. “I’m guessing there are a lot of cave walls covered with chalk marks to lay that puppy out.”
“No, it’s on a computer,” explained Harr.
“A what?”
“Never mind that for now, Grog,” Harr said. “Bottom line is that I have to get you guys to stop advancing in the realm of technology or they’ll destroy your planet.”
“For real?” Vlak said.
“Yes.”
The two cavemen seemed to stumble at the thought. Harr couldn’t quite imagine what they were thinking, but he was already amazed at their level of deductive reasoning thus far.
“That’s messed up,” Grog said after throwing the stick back onto the ground. “Look around you, pal. What else do me and Vlak have to live for, if not our thinking and discovery?”
“Sorry, guys,” Harr said with a frown. “I’m just the messenger.”
“Oh, he’s just the messenger,” Grog replied condescendingly. “Well, Mr. Messenger, what do you suggest we do?” He pointed at the rest of the tribe. “If we stop with the technology, these guys will kill us within a week.”
Harr didn’t know how to respond to that, so he tried an old adage. “Sometimes you have to think of the greater good.”
“Screw that,” Vlak retorted as he also pointed at the trees. “Look at them all. They’re idiots!”
Harr couldn’t argue that. The faces that lined the forest contained heads that had only a few thoughts running through them: food, fight, sex, hunt, sleep, repeat.
“Well,” Harr offered, “what about another tribe? We could drop you off somewhere.”
“Doesn’t work that way, Harr,” Grog said. “We’d be killed off instantly if we were to approach another tribe. They don’t like outsiders.”
“Too much competition,” Vlak noted.
“I’m sorry, fellas,” Harr said, hardening his resolve, “but the bottom line is that you have to stop the advances. If you don’t, this planet is going to be decimated by someone who doesn’t care about you or your civilization.” The two cavemen stared at him. “I wish there was something I could do, but—”
“Hey, how about we come with you?” asked Grog suddenly. “I mean if we lend our skills to your world, then we’re making you smarter, yeah?
Harr balked at that. “I think our technology would melt your minds, gentlemen.”
“We can learn,” Vlak said, obviously offended. “We’re not dumb, ya know?”
“Obviously you’re not dumb, but there’s a difference between smart and educated.”
“Heh,” Grog said confidently. “Vlak and I got straight A’s on sticks, rocks, and dirt in the first year. Most people don’t get that until the tenth year.”
“Yeah, and we can cover a cave wall in minutes with drawings of men, women, sheep … you name it, we can draw it.”
“That’s wonderful, but—”
“Yo, honcho,” Geezer said through Harr’s ear-piece, “we could hook them up to the Feeder that I created a couple of years ago.”
“Feeder?” Harr whispered into his wristband.
“Yeah, it basically is set up for you Human types to learn at an accelerated rate. Might work on the androids, too. Maybe even me. Not sure, to be honest.”
“Why have you never mentioned this before?” Harr asked.
“Who are you talking to?” said Grog, but Harr waved at him to be quiet.
“Because you never asked,” answered Geezer.
“You sure it’ll work, Geezer?”
“Sure what will work?” asked Vlak, clearly not understanding the concept that Harr was in the middle of a communique. “Also, what’s a Geezer?”
“Can’t see why not,” replied Geezer. “We could drop these guys off at Fantasy Planet when we go to pick up the rest of the crew. They’d be a hit.”
“That’s true,” said Harr.
Fact was that these two wouldn’t be able to contain their desire for advancement, especially now that Harr had pointed out that they would soon be approached by the women in the tribe. If anything, his pointing out that tidbit would likely start a fire under them to discover more technology faster than at their current rate. Harr had inadvertently helped to seal their fate.
“Okay, gentlemen,” he said tiredly. “How would you like a new life away from this planet?”
“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Grog said, bolting up from his seat.
“I’m in,” Vlak said, joining his friend.
Harr couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t the best decision he’d ever made.
CLEANING UP
Geezer had lifted the ship off the planet as soon as Harr had completed closing up the ramp, and after verifying that everything had been sealed.
Grog and Vlak were walking around and looking at the various components in the little bay. Vlak kept reaching out to touch things but Grog slapped his hand each time, reminding him that they were guests on board the ship and that if they broke anything they’d likely be returned back to their tribe. Vlak quit touching things.
“Follow me, please,” Harr said as he left the bay and moved back towards engineering.
Geezer was facing them as they came in the door.
“Wow,” the robot said, “those guys are quite hairy and I hope you’ll excuse me if I shut off my sense-of-smell program.” His eyes dimmed for a moment. “And, done. Much better.”
“Whoa,” said Grog, leaning in and studying Geezer. “What are you, pal?”
“Strange, indeed,” Vlak said. “It speaks, yet it has no skin.”
“Seriously?” Geezer said. “You’re inside of a ship that’s flying you away from your planet, off into deep space, and you’re shocked about seeing me?”
“Freaky, man,” Grog said in reply.
“Totally,” Vlak agreed.
“This is Geezer,” Harr said as he pushed the two cavemen back. “He’s a robot.”
Grog looked at Harr. “A what?”
“An artificial life form,” Harr explained.
“A who?” said Vlak.
“Let’s just say that he’s a part of the spaceship.”
“Ohhh, right. I got it.”
“That’s not so wacky, then,” stated Vlak while taking another glance at Geezer.
“Unbelievable,” said Geezer.
Again, Harr pushed them away. He could only hope that once Geezer had hooked these guys up to the Feeder that they would relax. Until then, there was some cleaning up to be done.
“Before we get you acclimated to things, we need to get you freshened up.”
“Why?”
“Because you both reek and you’re in serious need of a shave and a haircut. Unfortunately, the only person who can manage that is on Fantasy Planet right now.”
“Moon?” said Geezer.
“Correct.”
Grog and Vlak glanced at each other.
Harr and Geezer did the same.
“The moon is going to give us a haircut?” asked Grog dubiously.
“I guess we were wrong about it being nothing but a big rock,” said Vlak th
oughtfully.
“No,” Harr explained, “a member of our crew, Hank Moon, usually handles haircuts. He’s just not on board at the moment.”
“Weird name, eh Vlak?”
“You’re telling me, Grog.”
“Anyway,” Grog declared, “I think we’ll skip the cleaning up bit, if it’s all the same to you. We’ve been doing a study on these bugs that crawl on us and we’ve only collected half the data so far.”
“First off, that’s disgusting,” Harr stated, “and, secondly, I don’t have the ability to shut off my sense-of-smell program, so you’re getting scrubbed whether you like it or not.”
“And if we refuse?” Vlak challenged.
“Then you’ll go back to your planet,” answered Harr.
“Fine, but this is being done under protest. I’ve grown fond of my bugs.”
“Same here,” said Grog.
Harr shook his head and took them down to the shower station. He was the only one to ever use it since everyone else on the crew was either an android or a robot. Even when Frexle came by, he never stayed long enough to warrant a shower.
Harr could only hope that whatever technology ran the shower would be capable of cleaning itself once it was done with these two.
“Are we supposed to go in together?” Grog said with a grimace.
“Sounds a little gay to me,” Vlak stated.
“How do you even know what gay is?” Harr ventured.
“Because that’s what all of the guys in our tribe call us,” said Grog. “Definitely makes it tougher to get the women to pay attention to our needs, I’ll tell you that.”
“And we’re not gay, just so you know,” clarified Vlak. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay.”
“No, certainly not,” agreed Grog as if he’d once had a talking-to for stating otherwise. “We’re just not, is all.”
“Then why are you worried about getting into the shower together?”
They looked back and forth at each other.
“Uh,” Grog said, “because our things might touch.”
“Why would they touch?” asked Harr, frowning.
“Stranger things have happened,” Vlak said and then looked away.
“Exactly,” Grog agreed. “Think about it. This shower thing has water and soap, right?”
“Yes,” Harr said with surprise. “I’m shocked that you know what soap is.”
Vlak grimaced. “Of course we do. What do you think we are, apes?”
“Anyhoo,” Grog continued, “if there’s soap, one of us might slip.”
“Precisely,” Vlak said.
“So what?” said Harr, confused by the logic.
“Well, what if Vlak slips and reaches out to grab something so he doesn’t fall?”
“Right?”
“Do I really have to spell it out to you?” said Grog incredulously. “You’re supposed to be the advanced one here. Just put two sticks together with two sticks, pal.”
“Or one stick with one stick, in this case,” Vlak corrected.
“I see what you did there, Vlak. Good one.”
Harr wasn’t dense, but he couldn’t quite fathom how slipping in the shower could result in a change of sexual preference. Looking at these two, he couldn’t imagine them becoming a sexual preference of anyone … or anything, for that matter.
“I guess you’ll have to spell it out for me,” Harr said after a few moments.
“Wow,” Grog said. “Okay, think about it. If Vlak falls and reaches out to grab something to steady himself, and the thing he grabs happens to be my mammoth trunk?”
“Hey, wait,” Vlak said, “why am I the one falling? Maybe you fell and are desperately trying to grab at my mammoth trunk.”
“Doubtful,” Grog said with a laugh. “You’ve got more of an anteater snout than a mammoth trunk. If I reached out for that, I’d miss for certain.”
“Oh yeah? Well—”
“Stop!” Harr didn’t want this to get out of hand, so to speak. “You’ll both be fine. Neither of you are gay, so this won’t be a problem. There are two sets of handrails in the shower and the room is large enough for four people. You’ll stand on opposite sides, facing away from each other. The shower will do its thing and you’ll be out within a few minutes. Keep your eyes straight ahead and there will be nothing to worry about.”
They both milled about for a few moments. Harr could have thrown them in one at a time, but that was a waste of resources and their arguments were stupid.
“Now,” he said, “take off your clothes. I’m going to jettison them out into space before they infest the entire ship with whatever the hell is on them.”
“You want us to take our clothes off?” Vlak said, squinting at Harr.
“I’m not taking off my clothes,” stated Grog.
“You have to, if you want to be properly cleaned.”
“Again,” Grog stated, “I don’t care about being properly cleaned.”
“Me neither,” agreed Vlak. “This was all your idea, Harr.”
Harr took a deep breath and said, “Please take off your clothes and get into the cleaner.”
“Why are you so interested in us getting naked?” Grog asked.
“Yeah,” said Vlak, “seems a little odd, doesn’t it? I mean, no offense, pal, but like we said, we’re into chicks.”
“Granted, they’re not into us,” Grog pointed out, “but that’s something entirely different.”
Harr was about ready to just take them back to Mugoog. He’d thought that maybe having a couple of organic lifeforms on board would be a good thing for him. People who understood his trials and tribulations. The androids made for decent company in their own ways, but they couldn’t empathize with what Harr went through on a daily basis. Neither could Geezer, though he seemed to be a smidgen better at it than the androids.
“Gentlemen,” Harr said, “I assure you that there is nothing Parfait going on here.”
“Parfait?”
“Sorry, Grog,” Harr said, “you wouldn’t understand the reference. Old commander of mine. Was a little bit … well, you don’t want to know. Look,” he added seriously, “enough talk. Either you two get cleaned up or you’re both going back to your tribe. No more arguments.”
“Fine, fine,” Vlak said. “We’ll do this shower thing, but you’ve got to turn around, and promise that there’ll be no peeking.”
Five minutes later the two cavemen exited the Cleaner, wearing robes. They were completely hairless, at least the parts that Harr could see. Obviously the Cleaner had detected enough dirt and bugs to consider it necessary to fully dispose of their hair.
“That never happened,” Grog was whispering to Vlak.
“What happens in the Cleaner, stays in the Cleaner,” agreed Vlak.
Harr considered asking what had happened, but decided he didn’t really want to know.
MOON'S FANTASY
Hank Moon stood at the center of the room and clapped his hands, silencing the chatter, slowing the hustle and bustle, and bringing everyone’s attention to him.
They were all wearing one of his many designs. Evening gowns, lingerie, skirts, blouses, bathing suits, and various other cuts and fashions were on display here. He had housed these designs in his head for years, but had never had the chance to bring them to fruition until now.
“Okay, models, listen up! You need to be on your markth tonight. No mithtaketh!” Moon spoke firmly, trying desperately to hide his lisp, but it was in full force on this night. “We have a big dithtributor out there and thith can make or break Moonwind Dethignth. You there,” he said, pointing at one of the male models, “your pants are eathily two thizes too large.”
“Yeah, I know,” replied the model, who happened to look exactly like Ensign Jezden.
“Well, why ith that?”
“Because if I wear my actual size it’ll look like I’m trying to smuggle an eggplant through the show.”
Moon groaned. “We’ve been through thith before
. It’th the Jezden Eggplant line. It’th thuppothed to look that way.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jezden said, “but check out the other guys. There’s a couple of hot dogs and a few sausage links, but most of them look like they’re trying to conceal a half-used pencil.”
Moon glanced around at the various outlines. Granted, none of them had nearly the heft that Jezden sported, but where they lacked in danglyness, they made up for it with muscularity.
“What’th your point?” asked Moon.
“Dudes aren’t going to buy these pants if I’m the model for them. They’ll feel intimidated.”
“Hmmm, you might be right.”
“Really?”
“I’m ath thocked ath you,” Moon said. “Clearly this Fantathy Planet thoftware didn’t get your intelligenthe parameterth quite right.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just put on the proper-thized pantth, anyway. Thith is my fantathy … erm, I mean thow!”
“But what about the other guys?”
“I’ll have them thtuff their pantth with eggplantth.”
Jezden furrowed his brow. “I think you’re missing the point. It’s not about making everyone else look bigger; it’s about making me look smaller.”
“You’re okay with that?” Moon said, shocked.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I keep forgetting that you’re not the real Jezden,” Moon said with a shake of his head.
“I’m not?”
“Uh, I mean because you’re acting. You know, being a model.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s true.”
“Anyway, you’re right about making everyone elthe larger,” Moon stated, “but I think we’ll keep them all as they are. You need to thport your fullneth.”
“But …”
“There are men out there who are larger.” Moon paused at the sight of one particularly tiny-weenied man, “Not him, obviouthly, but he’th hopefully the extheption.”
“I just—”
“No more argumentth, Jezden,” Moon stated firmly while looking at his watch, “or there will be no potht-thow nookie for you.”
“Okay, I’ll put them on,” Jezden said as if missing the chance of having post-show nookie with Moon was a horrible prospect, indeed.
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 24