“Too bad we were up on the bridge when it happened,” complained Grog. “Would have loved to have seen it.”
Frexle shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Then he sat up, wobbled a bit, and felt a hint of nausea. He took a few slow breaths in to calm himself.
“I don’t understand what happened.”
“You accidentally touched those two wires to the wrong connectors,” Goozer said, pointing at the red and green wires that were dangling just over the edge of Geezer’s desk.
Frexle thought for a moment. “Didn’t you tell me to do that?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” Goozer responded with the robotic equivalent of a nervous cough. “Anyway, you must have known that it would work because the ship is back up and so is Geezer, though it took a while for his boot-sequence to launch.”
Geezer walked back in for a moment and looked around.
“Speaking of Geezer’s boot sequence,” said Grog, “I heard one of the things that got installed was a salsa dancing program. What’s that?”
“Hook up to the Feeder and find out,” Geezer replied.
“Is that your answer for everything?”
“Yep,” Geezer said as he walked back out again.
Frexle didn’t understand why Geezer was going in and out of the room. Maybe he was working on some new invention. No, that wouldn’t make any sense. Wasn’t Geezer the one lying on the ground moments before Frexle ended up lying on the ground? His head hurt to think about it.
“How long was I unconscious?” he asked while rubbing his temples.
“Ten minutes or so,” said Vlak.
“Seriously?”
Grog nodded.
“Did any of you try to help me?”
“We came down as soon as Goozer let us know you’d zapped yourself.”
“And then what did you do, Grog?”
“Well, I kicked you a few times, but it didn’t seem to help.”
Maybe not, but it did explain the pain in his side.
“I asked them to pour some water on you,” said Goozer, “but they refused.”
Frexle pushed up to his feet. Grog and Vlak, surprisingly, helped him steady himself. Then they stepped away and he pressed his hands on the desk for support.
“Okay, so where are we now?”
“Uh … in engineering,” answered Vlak, looking around. “Did you hit your head when you fell?”
“I’m asking where we are on the status of the ship, gentlemen.”
“The ship’s fine,” said Geezer as he walked back into the room. “I’ve just finished verifying that all the major connections throughout the core are fine. Everything went to shit because I’d touched two wires to the wrong connectors without thinking. That shorted everything out and knocked me on my butt.”
Frexle gave Goozer a nasty look as the miniature robot whistled an innocent tune.
“You knew touching those wires to those contacts would knock me out, didn’t you?” Goozer nodded. “And yet you let me do it anyway?”
“Hey, you’re supposed to be the smart one.”
“Unbelievable.” Frexle wanted to flick the little robot across the room, but he had other items to attend to that were more important. Besides, it seemed that the little digital dork was instrumental in many advancements belonging to the Reluctant and her tiny replica. “I’m going back down to the planet.”
“Can we go?” asked Vlak.
“No.”
“Aw, come on,” said Grog.
“No.”
“You’re a knob,” Vlak called out as Frexle stormed out of the room.
“Yeah,” Grog yelled, “we like Captain Harr better!”
INTERRUPTING JEZDEN
Of all of the fantasies that Harr had seen from his crew, this one was likely the most expected.
Sitting on an oversized throne in the middle of an oversized room with an oversized harem of women who had oversized breasts, sat Ensign Brand Jezden, and he was wearing an oversized crown. All things considered, everything being oversized was most fitting when it came to Jezden.
The interesting aspect of all of this was that there were a number of women in the harem who were entirely oversized. In fact, they were as large as the women from the planet Merrymoon that they had visited during their mission related to The SSMC Voyeur a couple of years back. After what those Merrymoonian women had done to Jezden, Harr found it odd that he would include them in his fantasy.
He walked up the aisle until he was standing at the base of the podium.
“About time you got here, dude,” Jezden said with a scoff.
Harr furrowed his brow. “You’ve been waiting for me?”
“Yeah, man. Make us laugh.”
“Pardon?”
“Tell some jokes or something,” Jezden said in as commanding a voice as he had. “The dirtier the better, and none of those ‘A white horse fell in the mud’ kind of dirty either. Not cool, man.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jezden pointed at him. “Hey, where’s your funny shoes and that goofy hat that you usually wear?”
“Oh, I see what’s going on.” Harr dropped his head for a moment.
What was the deal with all of his crew doing this to him? He had treated them pretty fairly over their time together … right? Regardless, Jezden had always been a pain in the rump, so Harr was going to take this opportunity to be a pain right back.
“Okay, I have a joke for you. What do you call an android that is on a planet with a bunch of Amazon women who take his delicate tushy flower?”
“What?” Jezden said interestedly.
“Jezden,” Harr replied with a smile. “The answer is Jezden.”
Jezden sat back, looking hurt. “That’s not funny, dude.”
“Okay, let me try another. What do you call an android that’s been demoted to sub-ensign?” He paused and then blurted, “Jezden. Sub-Ensign Brand Jezden.”
“There’s no such thing as a sub-ensign.”
“I’ve heard of the ranking just today myself, but in your case I find it would be fitting.”
“These jokes suck, man.”
Jingling sounded from the left, bringing along with them the image of Captain Harr. But where the real Harr was wearing his standard issue Segnal Space Marine Corps outfit, the other Harr had on green and red tights and a hat with bells hanging off of it. He was juggling and singing a song.
This is a song about dumb Captain Harr
He’s proof that the humans will never get far
His brain works so slow and he’s obviously thick
But the saddest part of all is his tiny little …
Fake Harr paused, allowing the balls to bounce onto the floor. He looked at real Harr in a studious sort of way.
“Hey, you look like me.”
“Yeah, he does,” Jezden agreed. “I didn’t ask for two Harrs.” He pointed at the real Harr, and added, “And that one’s not funny at all.”
“That’s because I’m the real one, you idiot.”
“What?”
“I’m the actual captain of the Reluctant. I broke into your fantasy because we have a mission and we need all hands on deck.”
“I’m not putting my hands on anybody’s di—”
“Deck, Jezden,” Harr interrupted. “D.E.C.K. Deck.”
“Oh, right.”
Harr looked over Fake Harr again. “Not sure why everyone feels the need to ...” He stopped. Actually, with Jezden, he did understand. “Never mind. I don’t care. Let’s go.”
“What kind of mission could possibly drag me away from all of this?” Jezden said while motioning around the room.
“Someone has kidnapped Planet Head Parfait,” stated Harr.
“So?”
“So they’ve threatened to kill him.”
“So?”
“So we can’t let that happen, Ensign.”
“Why not? I don’t really like the guy anyway.” Jezden crossed his arms. “Just sent my co
py of him off for punishment in the cellars not an hour ago. I don’t send people out for punishment if I like them, dig?” He stared at Harr for a few seconds. “Besides, I’ve got the life here, ya know? This is my dream come true.”
“That’s kind of the point of the planet we’re on,” Harr replied.
“I know, but I mean … look around, man.” He took the woman next to him by the hand. “I’ve got chicks and food and a probing table, and—”
“A what?”
“Doesn’t matter. Point is that this is the life for a guy like me, yeah? I’ve even got the perfect queen right here.”
“Nice to meet you,” Harr said, though it felt odd considering that she was just a simulation.
“She doesn’t talk, dude.”
“Oh.”
“Her name is Jiggly Nipples,” Jezden said proudly.
“Sorry,” Harr said with a squint. “Did you say Jennie Nichols?”
“Nope. I said Jiggly Nipples.”
Harr turned his palms face up. “How does that even make any sense?”
“Show him, baby.”
Jiggly opened her robe and revealed the reason for her namesake. Harr quickly looked away.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” he said as she refastened the robe. He then looked back at Jezden. “You’re a real piece of work, Ensign.”
“I’m the king here, man, and there ain’t no way I’m leaving.”
“Jezden,” said Harr directly, “there are two ways out of this. One is that you play it smart and come along with me. The other is that I have Inkblot reverse all of these Amazonian women and we recreate a little of that Merrymoonian romance that you enjoyed so much.”
“Shit.”
GOT TWO MORE
Frexle was glad to see that Middleton and Curr had arrived on the ship. It would give him the ability to tell Veli that he was making progress.
“Hello, my lord,” he said through his space phone. “I wanted to give you a quick update on our progress.”
“I’m listening,” replied Veli.
“I’ve gotten two more of the crew on board.”
“Only two?” Veli said incredulously. “What the poop is taking so long?”
“As we discussed before, they are currently engaged in fantasies, sir. I am doing all that I can, I assure you.”
Veli snorted. It was clear that he wasn’t happy with what he was being told, but Frexle didn’t care. The bottom line was that there was some covert stuff going on that Veli was keeping close to the vest. Now, it was fine, and even expected, that Frexle wasn’t kept in the loop on everything that was happening with the Lord Overseer and his ventures, but the way that Veli was acting spelled that whatever was going on could be detrimental to the Overseers as a whole. That was something that Frexle could not, in good conscience, allow.
“Too bad Vool isn’t still around,” Veli said after a moment. “I suppose I could contact her little brother.”
“You mean Veal?” said Frexle, feeling surprised. “The guy that they kept in the little crate while he was growing up?”
“No, not him,” Veli said. “He’s too tender. I’m talking about her other brother.”
“Oh, right. You’re talking about Vile.”
“That’s the one. I’m sure he could get in and kill ... erm, I mean liberate those stupid Platoon F soldiers from that planet.”
“They’re not being imprisoned, my lord, so there is no need for liberation, as it were. They’re just on leave.”
“Well, I don’t like it,” said Veli venomously, “and I don’t like you correcting me, either. I want them out of there immediately, Frexle.”
“Honestly, sir, I am doing my best. However, may I ask why it’s so urgent that they leave the planet?”
“Yes, but I’m not going to answer you.” Veli grumbled for a second. “Get them out of there soon or I will call Vile in to handle this.”
“Of course, Lord Overseer.”
NOW WHAT?
The entire crew, aside from Middleton and Curr, were standing in Inkblot’s conference room. Geezer was on the comm and Frexle had transported down. The Overseer seemed to be in a foul mood, but Harr hadn’t bothered to question him on it. There were bigger issues afoot.
“So that Jocco guy said that the Boas would be holding Parfait in an underground lair,” he stated as he handed the slip of paper that Jocco had given him over to Inkblot.
“This is near the garbage dump,” she said.
“Yep,” Harr replied. “What time is it?”
Inkblot glanced at her wristband. “Midnight, local. Why?”
“Jocco said that the only safe times to break in were at 1AM or at 7AM. Something about it being their prayer time.”
“Prayer time?” asked Frexle.
“Apparently the Boas follow The Book of Yummy.”
“Never heard of it,” Inkblot said a little too quickly.
Harr thought that odd. It could just be that she had read the book that the Boas followed, and was possibly even a past-member, but, again, there were much more important issues to worry about.
“I can’t say I have heard of it directly either, but that name ...” Harr trailed off. “Well, anyway, that’s what Jocco said. So we have to get there fast if we’re going to make it.”
“Chief,” Geezer said through the comm, “do you have a map of the underground?”
“No,” Harr replied. “Inkblot?”
“I wasn’t even aware that there was an underground by the dump until now,” Inkblot answered, “and nothing is pulling up on my datapad either.”
“Goozer and I have been working on scanning the main planetary areas,” Geezer said. “I was kind of hoping that we could just find the signature of Planet Head Parfait from our databases and beam him out, but the walls in pretty much every location on this complex are made with Sillyillium. I can scan, but I can’t transport through any of that.”
“Geezer!” Harr said in shock, knowing that Frexle was just made aware of their transporter technology.
“I already know about your transporters, Captain,” Frexle said with a wry, though not really heartfelt, grin. “I’m not as dumb as you may think.”
“According to you, you’re not dumb at all,” Ridly said.
“Well said,” concurred Frexle. “Anyway, your robot is correct. Not even my advanced transporter technology can get through these walls.”
“What the hell is Sillyillium?” asked Harr.
“It’s a pinkish substance that you can stretch and pull, and even put on things like newspapers to get nifty little picture imprints,” said Inkblot. “Once you’re done playing around with it and you get it set just right, it becomes one of the hardest substances in the universe.”
“Wow,” said Harr. “I was unaware of that stuff.”
“Anyway, honcho,” Geezer continued, “we ran a deep scan and I’m pretty certain I can give you a decent map.”
“I remember the last time you gave us an underground map,” Harr said in a tight voice.
“Segnal sewer systems,” Jezden added with a look of disgust.
“Horrible,” agreed Sandoo.
Moon shuddered. “It’s burned into my memory chips forever.”
“Gah,” was all Ridly could manage.
“All right, all right,” Geezer said. “Let it go, already. I was mad at you guys back then.”
“Are you mad at us now?” asked Harr.
“Sorry,” said Frexle, interrupting the discussion, “but what are you all talking about?”
“You don’t want to know,” Jezden responded. “It’s a shitty story.”
“Literally,” agreed Moon.
Harr held up his hand to stop the others from putting in their two cents. 1AM was rapidly approaching and Harr had no interest in waiting 6 more hours before getting another chance at breaking into the Boa’s stronghold.
“Some other time, Frexle,” Harr stated, “assuming you’ve got the stomach for it. Let’s just say that there were som
e angry robots living on our home world and we had to go through the Segnal sewage system in order to deal with them.”
“Unfortunately,” added Sandoo, “there was another angry robot in the ship who was guiding us.”
“Sheesh,” Geezer said through the comm, “you guys sure can hold a grudge. Look, do you want the map or not?”
“Of course we want the map,” Harr replied irritably.
“Don’t have to bite my head off, honcho.”
“Sorry,” Harr said and then took a deep breath. The last thing he wanted was to rile up the robot. If they weren’t careful, they could incite their beloved G.3.3.Z.3.R. model into dropping in a few nasty detours. “Geezer, may we have the map please?”
“You bet,” Geezer said. “I’ll bring it down.”
“Terrific,” said Harr and then said, “Wait, did you say that you’d …” He trailed off as Geezer faded into view. The miniature robot, Goozer, was standing on his shoulder.
Geezer looked around for a second and then handed a pre-loaded datapad over to Harr. “Here ya go, big cat.”
“Thanks,” said Harr, “but aren’t you going to lose your charge?”
“Why would I?” answered Geezer, who appeared to have a bounce in his step.
“Didn’t you once tell me that you couldn’t use the beaming technology because it would immediately wipe out your battery, which is why you had to carry one on a tray during basic training back on that Sadian planet?”
“Actually, no, I never did tell you that, prime, but it happens to be true.”
Harr looked him over again. “But you don’t have your battery and you’re not connected to the ship.”
“I’m telling ya, honcho, if this captaining of the ship thing ever goes sour, you should consider becoming a detective.”
“But, how?”
“I guess you’d set up a small shop somewhere,” Geezer said with a shrug. “Maybe buy one of those brimmed hats and a trench coat, start smoking, hang out in dark alleys, and—”
“No,” interrupted Harr. “How are you functioning without a battery?”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 33