“Ah, right. As to that, Goozer helped me become independent of the ship.” He spun around as deftly as a blocky robot could manage. “I gotta say, it’s super freeing, but a little scary, too.”
“I’m guessing you have an internal battery?”
“Got it in one, honcho. Detective work is in your blood.”
“What kind?”
“If I were you, I’d focus on things like thievery and simple crimes. You’re not all that keen on gory stuff and murder.”
Harr sighed. “What kind of battery?”
“Oh, it’s nuclear,” Geezer answered offhandedly and then pointed at the datapad. “Now, if you’ll look at the map that I built for you, you’ll see that—”
“Sorry,” Harr interrupted again, “but did you say that the battery is nuclear?”
“Yep. Anyway, so this tunnel here will—”
“You’re carrying a nuclear device on your person?” interjected Harr.
“Is he always this slow?” asked Goozer. “Captain Liverbing usually catches on pretty quickly for me.”
“It’s a constant struggle,” Geezer replied.
“Is it safe?” Harr asked, ignoring their insults.
“My struggling with your intellect?” Geezer said. “I’d say it’s pretty safe. I never let you stray too far off the path, so—”
“Again,” Harr stated, his volume rising, “I’m talking about the battery.”
“Oh, right!” Geezer replied. “Yeah, it’s safe.” He glanced over at his shoulder. “Right, Goozer?”
“You haven’t blown up yet,” Goozer answered firmly.
Geezer nodded. “Good enough for me.”
“Are we certain?”
“I don’t think I’d be here if I’d blown up, big dog.”
Jezden slapped himself on the forehead. “He’s asking about the damn battery, you dope. Is that thing going to blow us all to shit at some point or what?”
“Probably not,” answered the mini robot, “but I don’t know that much about it.”
Harr groaned.
“I thought you invented it ...” he started, but then stopped himself. “Wait, wait, never mind. I know. Geezer invented you and that means that even though you invented the battery you’re not an expert on it. Let me guess, you just sat around one day plugging things in until something worked, right?”
“Not even close,” stated Goozer.
“Oh?”
“I was not sitting around. I was standing around.”
“Right.” Harr rubbed his chin. “Well, I guess we’ll have to hope that the battery is secure.”
“It should be,” Goozer said.
“Good.”
“Unless your ship blows up and he’s inside of it. That would likely make the explosion far bigger.”
“Well, if the ship blows up we’ll all be dead anyway.”
“See, Goozer?” said Geezer triumphantly. “He’s not always dumb.”
“Guess not.”
“Okay, you two get back to the ship and try not to explode. We’ve got work to do down here.”
Geezer didn’t disappear. Instead, he moved his foot around a bit and looked to be stalling for time.
“Something wrong?” asked Harr.
“We were thinking that maybe we could help.”
“I’d rather that you were on ship, Geezer.”
“So I finally get freedom from my battery and you’re confining me to the ship anyway?”
“What a tool,” Goozer said in a huff.
“It is kind of a dick move, Cap’n,” Jezden agreed.
“Seriously?” Harr said in shock.
That’s when he recognized that Brand Jezden, of all people, had called him out on being a jerk.
“Fine,” he said, calmly, “you can stay, but remember that you’ve left the ship in the hands of Middleton, Curr, and two cavemen.”
“Shit,” said Geezer an instant before he faded from view.
PASSING THE GUARD
Harr had taken Sandoo, Moon, Ridly, and Jezden down to the garbage area as swiftly as possible. They arrived only minutes before the Boa prayer vigils were due to start.
“There they go,” said Ridly, pointing at the guards who were entering the door on the side of the concrete slope.
“Let’s do this,” commanded Harr.
They ran down through piles of trash, tripping more than once. Well, Harr did anyway. The androids had suffered no problems navigating to the guard door.
Harr had expected that the guards would be off in another room somewhere, but when the crew pushed inside, he found that he was mistaken. Directly in front of him were two guards, one male and one female. They were both on their knees already, but they still held their rifles at the ready.
“Hands up,” commanded the male guard. The crew quickly complied. “What’s the secret code?”
“Uhhh …” said Harr and then blew out a defeated breath. He looked at the others and said, “Well, looks like this was a bad idea.”
“Correct,” the guard said, lowering his weapon. “How come you guys aren’t in uniform?”
Harr blinked, feeling rather confused.
“That’s like seriously your secret code, dude?” asked Jezden.
“Yeah,” replied the guard. “So what?”
“Wait a second, Larry,” said the female guard. “Why would he need to ask if that’s really our secret code?”
“Good point, Sheila,” said Larry as he lifted his gun again.
Commander Sandoo apparently had enough of this because he reached out with lightning speed and yanked the gun from Larry’s hand. Sheila tried to react, but Jezden was on her just as fast as he usually was on a female.
Sheila, though, didn’t take kindly to someone trying to liberate her weapon, so she jumped up and cracked Jezden right in the jaw with a perfectly placed kick. She then yelped and began hopping around on one foot while babying the other. Kicking an android was like kicking steel, after all.
Jezden reacted in the way that he’d been trained. A quick jab that connected right on the button and Sheila hit the ground. She was out cold.
Harr wanted to take the noble road and chastise Jezden for hitting a girl, but he was told in the SSMC that there were no differences between men and women. A week with Dr. DeKella convinced him that wasn’t even slightly true, at least not in the physical sense, but he’d been taught that men and women were equals on all other fronts.
“Quick,” he said, “take their clothes and tie them up.”
“Oooh,” said Larry, rushing to remove his own trousers. “What are you going to do with us?”
“Don’t worry,” answered Harr, “we won’t hurt you.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Larry said and then pointed at Shiela. “Looks like you did her in pretty solidly.”
“That was an accident,” claimed Jezden.
“I’m not judging,” Larry explained. “She’s a bit of a pain in the rump anyway, if you ask me. Only got to be part of the gang due to a quota.”
“Quota?”
“Yeah,” Larry said. “The Boas is an all-male gang, or it’s supposed to be, but some of the women on the planet claimed that it’s discriminatory to keep them out, so we’ve had to let a few of them join. It was either that or we’d have to deal with lawsuits.”
“You can sue a gang?” said Ridly.
“Happens all the time.”
Dong, said a voice through the loudspeaker. Commander Dong, you have a call on line one.
“Uh, Ridly,” said Jezden as he was standing over by the fallen Sheila, “you’ll have to take this one’s clothes off. I can’t do it. Wouldn’t be right.”
Everyone looked at Jezden with shocked faces. Everyone, except for Larry, of course. He didn’t know anything about Jezden’s particular situation.
“No fooling?” Ridly said slowly, her eyes on the fallen guard. “She’s completely at your mercy.”
“She’s unconscious!”
“That’s because you punched h
er,” noted Moon.
“It was in self-defense.”
“True.”
Ridly walked over and began undressing Sheila.
Harr looked away.
Jezden did not.
“I’m surprised is all,” said Ridly.
“I can’t help it,” Jezden said, defending himself again. “I guess I’m a gentleman.”
Everyone burst out laughing at that, including Larry, though it was doubtful that he knew why.
“Not cool,” Jezden said sadly.
Wang, the loudspeaker chimed, Guard Wang, please report to the commander’s office.
Once the clothes were off of the two guards, Ridly slipped out of the corporate outfit she’d been wearing in her fantasy and hopped into Sheila’s uniform. Larry’s clothes were too small for anyone on the team, but he had refused to put them back on at this point.
“Okay,” Harr said with a grunt. “Looks like all the guards here wear tights. Actually,” he added while glancing at Moon, “they look similar to the ones you were having me and Jezden wear in your fantasy.”
“What?” Jezden said with a grimace.
“Fantasies are suppothed to remain private, thir!”
“Sorry about that. Point is that right now we sure could use some of those outfits that you designed.”
Moon groaned and rolled her eyes.
“Fine,” she said as she dug into the bag she’d had strapped over her shoulder, “but I only have a limited number with me, so—”
“Wait,” said Harr, “you brought them with you?”
“Of courth! These are my best designs, thir.”
Koch. Dr. Koch, you’re needed in the O.R. for an emergency vasectomy.
Jezden shook his head as if he’d just smelled something funny. He looked up at the speaker. “Who the hell gets an emergency vasectomy?”
“Very odd,” agreed Ridly.
“Moon,” said Harr, “I don’t understand how you got these out of your fantasy. I thought that you couldn’t take things out of fantasies.”
“When I designed my fantasy, I thtipulated that I wanted the ability to take my designs with me. Unfortunately, you’d interrupted the show and tho I was only able to grab a few items.”
“I’ve still got my outfit from Ridly Enterprises,” Ridly said, sounding miserable, as she pointed to the corporate clothes that were lying in a heap in the corner.
“That works out for us, then,” Harr said. “Let’s have the outfits.”
Moon pulled forth a stack of hot-pink leggings. He passed a pair to each of them. They all looked at the stretchy pants with frowns, except for Moon and Ridly. The former because she’d created the pants, the latter because she was wearing Sheila’s black pair.
“Sir,” Commander Sandoo said seriously, “these are not regulation uniforms.”
“Obviously, Commander, but we’re not getting to Parfait without going undercover.”
“Don’t like the sound of that,” stated Jezden.
“I mean incognito, Ensign,” Harr explained.
“Oh, right.”
“Anyway, we’re going to have to get as close as possible to wearing their outfits as we can. It’s our only chance.”
Moon happily disappeared into the shadows while the three men dragged themselves into separate areas and changed.
Moments later, Moon quite literally bounced around as he stepped back out into the light. It was all Harr could do to keep his eyes off of the perfect female form of Hank Moon. When he exited his corner, he made sure to keep his head up so that nothing else on his person would be awakened.
Everyone was standing there appraising each other. The men looked over the women, or woman in this case, and the women surveyed the men. It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to know which of them got the most glances.
“Why couldn’t you have picked one of the chick personalities, Moon?” Jezden complained. “Your body is smoking hot, especially in those things.”
Moon glanced down at Jezden’s package. “If it’s any consolation, I’m fine seeing your outlines in my current personality.”
“Ew,” said Jezden, turning towards Sandoo.
“Goodness, Ensign Jezden,” exclaimed Sandoo while staring at Jezden’s man-part. “Couldn’t you have left your pet python back on the ship?”
“I don’t have a pet python, man,” Jezden replied as if Sandoo were an idiot.
“Then how do you explain that?”
“Commander,” said Harr, “that’s Jezden’s—”
Leeds. Guard Leeds, you’ve got a call on line two.
The room went quiet again.
“You were saying, sir?” asked Sandoo while looking at Harr.
“I was saying that the thing in his pants is not a python. It’s his—”
Smith. Guard Smith, you have a call on line seven.
“Sir?”
“Seriously, Sandoo,” Ridly said, “don’t be so daft. It’s his—”
Pudding. There is still plenty of servings in the cafeteria. Please hurry down before we throw it out.
“It’s his thtiffy, okay?” Moon announced quickly.
“His thtiffy?” Sandoo attempted to confirm.
“His manthtump.”
“Manthtump?”
Jezden groaned audibly and smacked Sandoo on the shoulder.
“It’s my dong, guy.”
“Oh!” Sandoo looked at it again, this time in awe. “Right.”
Ridly looked at the speaker hanging on the wall. “Hey, why is it that Jezden’s the only one who doesn’t get interrupted when trying to say—”
Miller, the speaker sounded, as if on cue. Guard Miller, your wife called to remind you to bring home some milk.
“See what I mean?” Ridly said. “Happens to us every time, except for Moon, but that’s because of the lisp, I’m guessing.”
“Thut up,” Moon replied, hands on hips.
Ridly ignored him. “But whenever Jezden goes to say—”
Dickson. Guard Dickson, you have a call on line four.
“So close,” Ridly said with a frown.
“So wait,” said Jezden as he looked around. “You guys can’t say johnson, wang, pipe, pole, post, sausage, beefstick, womb broom, jurrasic pork, the bone ranger, boomslab, the fleshy burrito, dingy, dangly, dipstick, dude piston, fun pipe, hog, hose, knob, the veiny kickstand, whipstick, the dangling participle, tubesteak, thundersword, rod, pecker, peter, plug—”
“Can we change the subject please?” announced Harr. “I really don’t think we need to keep discussing Jezden’s—”
Jones. Guard Jones, please come to the Vice Commander’s office.
“It’s uncanny,” Ridly said with a look of awe.
Harr rubbed his eyes. He was tired from being in the slammer, and from not getting much rest. All he wanted to do was sleep due to his depression, but there was work to be done. He had to stay on target.
“Enough of this,” he commanded. “We’ve got to find some jackets.”
“There are plenty of them in the closet beside you,” offered Larry.
“Thanks.”
“These are a little loose, by the way,” Larry said while holding out his arms to show that the rope that was keeping him tied down was dangling slightly.
Sandoo pulled the end of the rope, tightening it significantly.
“Better?”
“Much,” cooed Larry. “Thanks, Stallion.”
“It’s pronounced ‘Sandoo,’” Sandoo corrected.
Moon reached into the closet and pulled out a few jackets. Harr couldn’t help but appraise the android’s … assets from where he stood.
He quickly turned away. He was Moon’s captain!
Sandoo had turned away also.
Jezden had leaned back against the wall and sighed pleasantly.
“Remember, Jezden,” said Ridly with a mischievous grin, “that’s Hank’s rump you’re gawking at.”
“Ew,” said Jezden as he looked away.
The ja
ckets all matched the pants perfectly, especially the built-in boas that were stitched into the collars.
“Looks like you picked the right color pants, Lieutenant,” said Harr as he slipped on the jacket.
“Always, thir. It’s the fashion sense in me. Can’t help mythelf.”
“I notice your lisp is coming back pretty heavily. Is everything okay?”
“It ith? I hadn’t notithed.”
“Nothing to worry about, I suppose,” said Harr diplomatically. “Okay, let’s get down the corridor.”
“You should probably throw us into the closet first,” Larry suggested almost pleadingly. “We might try something funny otherwise.”
“Good idea. Commander?”
“Got it,” said Sandoo.
A few “oohs” and “ahhs” later, mixed with the sound of dragging Sheila over, and the guards were locked securely away.
The crew of Platoon F were now creeping down the hallway in search of Planet Head Parfait.
A BACK DOOR?
Frexle had seen systems like this before. They were often developed by high-minded types who had a powerful confidence in themselves. Typically, that confidence was so high that they missed the little things.
“There has to be a loophole somewhere that we can use,” he said to Inkblot, who was sitting at the terminal scrolling through the various menu systems.
“We’ve tried everything that we can think of.”
“I’m sure you have, but you’re not an Overseer.” Frexle thought that what he’d said may have lacked tact. “Please don’t take offense.”
“I kind of did,” replied Inkblot dryly.
Whenever he had been assigned to break into systems like this before, he went through all of the obvious steps first. Basic password hacks, minimal ciphers, brute-force, Intergalactic Protocol spoofing, Overseer in the middle attack, and so on. Something told him that none of these would hit the mark, though.
“There has to be a back-door that we can stick ourselves in,” mused Frexle.
“Normally there is,” Inkblot replied, “but he’s been kidnapped, remember?”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 34