“Pardon?”
Inkblot looked up. “Oh wait, that’s not what you meant. Sorry. I’ve worked with Parfait for a while now. It’s my default reaction.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Nor do I think I want to.”
“Probably wise.”
“Anyway,” Frexle said, “if there is a way that we can bypass the main system I may be able to get into the code.”
“You mean you want to get to the core?”
“Yes, exactly. Where is that?”
Inkblot pointed at a small hole that was in the wall on the other side of the office.
“Through there,” she said.
“Oh.”
PLANNING THE ATTACK
The crew was standing right outside of the room where Harr was certain that Parfait was being held captive. He felt that certainty because directly above the door was a sign that read, “Captivity Room.”
“Okay, keep quiet while I have a look,” he said as he gently cracked open the door.
Parfait was seated in a large, cushy chair near the back. It was up on a stage. His hands and legs were shackled. Next to him, on either side, were two muscular men who were wearing tights. Harr couldn’t see their faces due to the way the lighting was configured, but he noted that they were rhythmically waving large hand fans at the Planet Head.
A gruff-looking Boa was seated on the stage with Parfait. He was to the left of one of the muscular fan-wavers. The man was wearing dark glasses for some reason. Harr assumed it had to do with looking tough, which may have worked had the guy not also been wearing that enormous pink boa.
He gently closed the door and explained what he’d seen.
“Even with us being androids,” said Ridly, “we’re not knocking out a room full of people without taking some damage.”
“Nor would I expect you to,” Harr replied. “We’re going to have to come up with a way to create a diversion. Any ideas?”
“We could set a couple of explosives,” suggested Sandoo.
“Do we have any?”
“No, sir,” Sandoo replied.
“Then why did you bring it up, Commander?”
“You asked for ideas, sir.”
Harr merely looked at him. “Fine, let me rephrase it: Give me some feasible ideas.”
“Technically, sir, it is feasible. We would need to run back to base and pick up some charges.”
“Fair enough, Commander,” Harr said as he cracked his knuckles. “Let me rephrase it again: Give me some feasible ideas that we can accomplish without the need for going back to pick up any additional supplies.”
That set everyone to thinking. Harr wondered what was actually going through their heads. Fact was that he’d been the only one on the Reluctant that had shown any deeply-capable nefarious concepts over the last couple of years. Well, him and Geezer, of course.
The others weren’t known for thinking outside of the box. He’d asked them to try to start expanding their deviousness, though, because while they may last hundreds of years, Harr wouldn’t. Eventually, they’d have to take care of themselves. Yes, they were all stronger, faster, more resilient, smarter, and so on, but they were locked in to their programming. They could bring up ideas that they’d seen before, such as Sandoo’s explosion suggestion, which was used on basically every TV show in history, but coming up with something subtle hadn’t always been a strength of theirs. Sandoo had done an excellent job of getting everyone free when they had been captured by androids from the future, but he had admitted that he’d only done what he believed Harr would do.
That’s it!
“You’re all stuck, aren’t you?” he asked. Nods all around. “Okay, let’s try an exercise.”
“Like push-ups?” asked Ridly.
“No, a mental exercise.”
“Like thinking about doing push-ups?” asked Jezden.
Harr ignored that. “As you’re trying to come up with ideas for a proper diversion, ask yourself ‘What would Captain Harr do?’ and see if that helps.”
“What if we shut out the lights,” suggested Ridly. “That would get us safely through the door and then we could try to blend in from there. We are wearing the Boa uniforms, after all … or close to it, anyway.”
“Great idea,” Harr said encouragingly. “Now the question is how we can get to the lights without anyone noticing?”
Ridly shrugged. “I’ll walk in, find the switch, and flick it off. Then I’ll message Commander Sandoo and you guys can fall in after me. They’re not going to raise an eyebrow over one person entering the room.”
“Except that you’re female,” Harr noted. “Remember what that guy Larry said about Shiela?”
“True,” Ridly replied.
“It’ll have to be one of us,” Harr said, pointing towards himself, Sandoo, and Jezden.
“Wait a second,” said Ridly. She fished around for a moment in the jacket and pulled out what appeared to be a baseball cap. She grinned and put the hat on, tucking her hair up underneath of it. “How’s that?”
“Excellent,” Harr said. “If you keep your head down, they’ll be none the wiser.”
“I could put on the hat and run the mithion, too,” said Moon.
Harr quickly scanned Moon’s oversized curves while thinking that the idea was to pass off the person as a man. He said, “Uh, it was Ridly’s idea, Hank. We’ll let her do this one.”
“Fine, but what are we going to do once we’re inthide, thir?” said Moon. “We thtill can’t defeat them all.”
And, thought Harr, they’ll definitely see Moon’s curves at that point. He couldn’t rightly send Hank back at this point. Had he known about the Boas disposition towards having female members, he wouldn’t have brought Ridly or Moon along. Then again, Shiela was proof that they allowed women to join, so they would just have to pass Moon off as being one of those few who had made it. Yes, technically, Moon was male—from a personality point-of-view anyway—but his body was decidedly, and most invigoratingly female.
“That’s true, Hank,” Harr said. “What we’ll need is a way for them to lose focus so that we can get weapons on their leader. They won’t fire on him.”
“Are you sure about that?” Jezden said.
Commander Sandoo gave the ensign a funny look. “Who would fire on their own leader?”
“I would,” Jezden replied. “No offense, Cap’n.”
“Some taken,” Harr replied. “I have a feeling that they’re not like you, Jezden. Hopefully, anyway.”
Moon gently cracked open the door and did a quick study of the area. Then he carefully shut it again.
“I know how to do it,” he said.
“Pardon?”
“I can take their focuth away,” Moon answered. “They’re all men in there.”
“So?”
“Tho look at me,” Hank said as if it were obvious.
“Sorry, I don’t—”
Moon grunted and then spun around, pushing out his formidable assets in the process. He also took to running his hands all over himself. It was enough to put Harr’s brain in a state that Dr. DeKella had put it in many times.
“Ah,” Harr said with a nod. “I see where you’re going with this.”
“About time,” Moon said, obviously feeling uncomfortable.
“I can’t ask you to do that, Hank,” Harr stated moments later.
“Why not?” Moon replied. “I never get a chance to do much, thir. I’m always at the helm but never involved in the action.” He seemed to harden his resolve, and looking at Jezden, possibly other things as well. “I want to do my part, thir.”
“You’re sure?”
“I am, thir.”
“I could do it, too,” Ridly suggested as she attempted to provocatively spin around as Moon had done. While she was as flawless as the other androids, Moon’s physique was too much to compete with.
“You’ve already got the lights,” Commander Sandoo replied uncharacteristically.
“Wo
w,” Ridly said with a frown.
“We’ll need more than a spin and wiggle, Cap’n,” Jezden said out of nowhere.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m thinking she …”
“He,” corrected Moon.
“… should do a full striptease, with music and everything.”
“Hmmm,” said Harr. “That’s a bit much.”
“I’m not doing that,” Moon said firmly. “I do have my limits.”
“Agreed.”
“But—”
“Enough, Ensign,” Harr said. “We have our marching orders. Ridly goes in and flicks out the lights. We all file in after her and Moon steps away to the other side. Then Ridly will flick the lights back on and we’ll start moving up towards Parfait and the Boa leader. Moon will do a bit of, uh, jiggling, in order to take the focus off of the stage. We’ll then take over and get them all to drop their weapons.”
Nobody replied.
“Wait,” Harr said as he noticed something. “It looks like Ridly has one of the guard rifles, but where’s the other one?”
“I left it in the closet with Larry, sir,” Sandoo replied.
“Why would you do that exactly?”
“It was his, sir.”
“Idiot,” said Jezden.
Harr often wondered who had thought it was such a wonderful idea to make a soldier be so by-the-book that he wouldn’t even do what was necessary to win a war.
“Swell,” he said finally. “Ridly, that means that you’ll be in charge of taking that stage. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Great,” said Harr. “Move out.”
GETTING PLOCK
After trying multiple hacks, Frexle was coming to the conclusion that this system was simply too complex for him. It wasn’t often that an Overseer would admit to being bested, but seeing that Frexle was confident he knew who was behind this damned planet and its amazing technology, he didn’t feel too awful.
“I’m going to go back to the Reluctant and see if there’s anything that our dear Mr. Geezer can do to help.”
“Sounds good,” said Inkblot. “I need to go and welcome some ships anyway.”
Frexle nodded, thinking that she didn’t seem all that pleased with this particular task of hers.
He activated his transporter and landed in the middle of engineering on the Reluctant. He took a quick look around to make sure that there were no dastardly experiments in the works. Frexle had no interest in becoming a casualty of their chancy science yet again.
Part of him regretted thinking that way. The fact was that he rather enjoyed the concept of engineering. He just wasn’t very good at it. Actually, were he to be truthful with himself, he would say that it was the one discipline that had always called to him. He’d tried over the years to dabble, but he never got anywhere with it. At least not significantly. He was such a perfectionist that he couldn’t handle all of the trial-and-error that went into a successful product. Then again, he did work with the Overseer Senate, and they were more than a simple work-in-progress. Maybe one day he would try his hand again at building something.
He glanced over at Geezer and Goozer who were touching various wires together and jumping away.
Then again, possibly not.
“Excuse me, gentlemen,” Frexle said, interrupting their work.
“Oh, hey, big cat,” Geezer replied. “Didn’t see you come in.”
“Listen, I was wondering if you two had any suggestions about how to break into the computer on Fantasy Planet.”
“Back-door?” said Goozer.
“Already tried,” Frexle said and then detailed everything else he’d attempted.
“Sounds like we’d need to get right to the core itself,” Geezer said as both he and Goozer wiped their hands with workman’s rags.
“Thought about that, too,” Frexle stated. “The problem is that the entry to the core is only about this big.” He held up his hands a few inches apart.
“So?” said Goozer.
“So I can’t rightly fit into something that small.”
“Sounds like something Jezden would say,” Geezer stated, and then added, “Sorry.”
Goozer chuckled.
“Anyway, the access port is simply too small.” Frexle began to pace. “I’m sure there must be another way into that chamber, but Inkblot has no record of it. My guess is that it’s an underground entrance of some sort.”
“We could get in,” Goozer announced.
“What’s that?”
“While that may be too small for you lot,” said Goozer, “we could get a couple of fighter ships to zip right on through an opening that size.”
“Is that so?” said Frexle, thinking that maybe this little replica ship of the Reluctant may prove to be more useful than he’d previously imagined.
GRAVITY RETURNS
Ridly had cut the lights and signaled Sandoo. Not that it was necessary, since Harr could hear all of the commotion coming from the room regarding the sudden loss of luminosity.
“You guys can see in the dark, right?” he asked the rest of the team.
“No,” said Sandoo.
“Damn. Okay, Sandoo and Jezden, stick by me. Moon, feel your way to the right and do your thing as soon as the lights come back up.”
“Yeth, thir.”
“This should be good,” Jezden said in a snarky voice.
“Thut up, Jezden.”
The crew bolted inside, moving carefully so as not to trip over anything. That’s when Harr heard a crashing sound on the other side of the room.
“Oh my,” said a female voice. It was a voice that Harr had not heard in a very long time. “I do believe I’ve fallen on my back in the dark. It must be that I’ve fallen because there’s no man on top of me.”
It sounded as if the personality of Gravity Plahdoo had returned.
A long time ago, Hank Moon had carried around three distinct personalities. There was Leesal Laasel, a by-the-book lieutenant who was always second-guessing herself; Gravity Plahdoo, a female stripper who was the sexual equivalent of Ensign Brand Jezden; and Hank Moon, a male stripper who played for the other side. Whenever one of the personalities came to the forefront, though, the others got pushed back, which made for a very trying time when circumstances required certain skill sets. Laasel was fantastic at the helm of the Reluctant, but Moon was the better problem solver. Plahdoo had never had a real purpose, unless you considered keeping Jezden busy as being a real purpose, of course. Then, via the request of two of the personalities, Geezer had tried to combine all of them into one. Plahdoo had opposed the idea, but it was two against one, and so she lost. Unfortunately, there had been an accident that caused her particular personality matrix to get completely wiped out … or so they had thought.
The lights came on and Gravity stood up more sensually than any creature had a right to.
“Oooh, baby,” said Jezden as Sandoo snaked out a hand and grabbed the ensign’s shoulder.
“Let go of me, Sandoo,” warned Jezden.
He appeared rather serious indeed.
“Ensign,” Harr said, “I’m sure it’s only a ruse to give us a chance to get to Parfait.”
“Good try, Cap’n, but I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”
Sandoo leaped in front of Jezden and turned to face him. “Sorry, Ensign, I can’t allow you to jeopardize our mission.”
“I’m going to punch you in the nuts if you don’t move.”
“You know what?” Harr said with a shrug, “let him go, Commander. I’m sure it’s Hank playing a part. He is good at that, after all. So if Jezden wants to show his …”
Garret. Guard Garret, please come to the front office for a delivery.
“… to Hank, who are we to stop him?”
Jezden froze in place and sneered. “Honestly, Cap’n, you’re a real dick.”
“Ridly was correct,” said Sandoo. “Jezden can say words like that without the loudspeaker interrupting him, but nobody els
e can.”
By now the crowd had gathered around Gravity. She was visually devouring them. Her naughty smile spelled that she was ready to play.
“Look at all of you men,” she said in a sultry voice. “I do believe that I may have died and gone to heaven.”
She breathed in deeply, filling her chesticles to full.
Harr gulped.
Jezden sighed wistfully.
Even Sandoo adjusted his collar a bit.
Suddenly the sound of music started playing. It was coming from Gravity’s position and it was the kind of song that a stripper could dance to.
Gravity moved to one of the poles that held up the room and started to sensually spin around it while showcasing her flexibility. Everyone moved back as the show unfolded … among other things.
Watching this scene made Harr think again of Rella, but this time it was different. While the good doctor was attractive, Gravity Plahdoo was a vision from out of this universe. Somehow, that helped Harr feel a little less sad. Granted, Gravity and Hank were the same person, which Harr did not find all that enticing, but the fact that Harr was able to look upon the female form of another and find himself whimsically enthralled meant that he could move on.
Gravity kept the dance going as she teasingly removed her shoes and threw them into the crowd. The men in the front fought over the shoes, which was odd on many fronts.
Now her feet were covered only with the stockings that she wore under those pink stretch-pants. That turned out to be a bad thing because she had gone for a strong spin around the pole and slipped.
She crashed to the ground and lay still as the room went silent.
“What happened?” said Moon, who had clearly come back to the forefront of the personality matrix.
The Boas appeared disappointed that the dance had stopped, but Harr had the feeling it had nothing to do with the potentiality of their seeing Gravity naked. He surmised this because the two men who had won the battle for Gravity’s shoes were busily trying to put them on.
And that’s when Harr scanned the area one more time and put two and two together.
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 35