“Hey, now, we just made you a whole arsenal of weapons,” Vlak argued.
“Yeah, asshole.”
“Ensign Grog,” Sandoo yelped.
“Oh, right, sorry about that,” Grog said swiftly. “I meant Captain Asshole.”
“Respectful that way,” said Vlak.
Harr clicked off their communicators. If they didn’t want to follow orders, they would be gone from the ship. Everyone aboard agreed to serve, and even Jezden managed to do so, though not without some struggle. Still, he eventually complied with orders. These two, though? Well, it just wasn’t going well.
“I’ve about had it with them, Commander.”
“When this is all said and done, we’ll return them to Mugoog, as you said, sir. Some people just aren’t cut out for military life.”
“Agreed.” Harr pinched his nose and stepped down from the landing and walked over to the cage. “Now, we’ve brought you here to help us figure out how to stop you from doing the things you’re going to do.”
“What’s that again?”
“When you get older, you... well…”
“You’re a dick, dude,” Jezden said to Young Veli.
“In a manner of speaking,” Harr agreed apologetically, “that’s about right.”
“Yeah, I know.” Young Veli seemed to be irritated by this fact. “I’ve met the older me and you’re right, but based on what he explained regarding how my people are going to turn on me, I’m not surprised.”
“Turn on you?”
“Let’s just say the bullying I suffer on a daily basis for being a nerdosaur is nothing compared to what’s coming.”
“You’re bullied?”
“Mercilessly.”
“Oh,” said Harr, not sure how to feel about that. “I had no idea.”
“Nor did I,” Young Veli stated. “I mean, I’m bullied now at school, but I can mostly handle that. Apparently that’s about to change, though, and I’m not exactly fond of the prospect.”
“So you’re saying you think the older version of you is how he is because of some bullies?” Ridly asked.
“The whole town turns against me, apparently,” Young Veli replied. “My parents are killed during a vacation they didn’t bring me on. I’m beaten, ridiculed, and essentially forced to escape.”
“That’th terrible,” said Moon.
Young Veli nodded as he looked at the floor. “Sounds like it might be.”
The bridge grew quiet.
This changed everything. Was Veli really such a jerk because of how he was about to be tormented? There were many people who had built walls to protect themselves. Granted, they hadn’t necessarily built a community of Overseers and became megalomaniacs. Not all of them, anyway. But at least there was a reason behind the sadistic mind of Veli, and it was something that could potentially be overturned.
“But I also don’t want to be hunted down and killed by you people,” Young Veli added, and then turned away. “Seems I can’t win, no matter what I do.”
“Fate is a bitch, man,” Jezden said.
“Only if you believe in that crap,” Young Veli replied, then shrugged. “And now that I’m seeing it, I guess I have little choice but to give it some measure of credence.”
Since it hadn’t happened yet, maybe there was time to solve this problem before it started.
“You could help us instead,” Harr suggested.
Young Veli glanced up. “How?”
“Are there any options that would subdue him without our needing to kill him?”
“You’re talking about me, you know.”
Harr nodded. “Sorry.”
“Right.” Young Veli shrugged. “There’s only one way that I know of and I’m not a huge fan of the idea.”
“What ith it?” Moon asked.
“As much as it pains me to say, you could cut off his balls.”
“Pardon?” Harr said.
“Ouch, man,” Jezden whispered.
“It’s what we do with males on my planet who have become too aggressive,” explained Young Veli. “Cut off his marbles and he becomes docile.”
Ridly stared at the dinosaur. “That seriously works?”
“Always. Once a male gets too big for his britches, snip snip.”
“Jeez!” Jezden said, cowering at his console.
“What do you do when the femaleth are too aggrethive?” asked Moon.
“Not a damn thing,” Young Veli replied.
“Why not?”
“‘Cause they’ll cut off your balls!”
Harr rolled his eyes. “Do you have any suggestions as to how we can do this?”
“We use claws.”
“I’m gonna be sick,” said Jezden.
“Where exactly are your tethticleth?” Moon asked as he moved his head this way and that, as if trying to spot them.
“My what?”
“He’s asking about your anatomy,” Sandoo said. “Where are your testicles?”
“What kind of ship is this?” Young Veli said, backing away again.
Harr held up his hand to calm the dinosaur down. “We’re only asking because in order to do this deed to the older you, we need to know what we’re looking for.”
“Oh, yeah, true. Okay, well, they’re between his legs. You just have to get him to either have relations with someone, or dig into the ground for something.”
“Dig into the ground?” asked Ridly.
“That motion is the same as the mating motion, so his testicles will pop out and then you can snip them off.”
“Oh Lord,” Jezden groaned.
“And you’re certain he’ll become docile?”
“Hell,” Jezden said, “just tell me you’re going to cut off my balls and I’ll be docile from that moment on.”
“Fine,” Harr said, tired of the constant moans, “I’m going to cut off your balls, Jezden.”
Jezden looked up and grimaced. “Yeah, right.”
“He will become very helpful and constantly happy,” Young Veli said.
“No, I won’t, dude.”
“He wath talking about Veli, thtupid.”
And now it was up to Young Veli to either play along or suffer the consequences for crimes he had yet to commit. It seemed rather unfair, especially after hearing the future for this creature, but life had a way of dealing crappy cards.
“Okay,” Harr said, squaring his shoulders, “I have to ask… will you help us?”
“You want me to help you to cut off my own balls?”
“Not yours, exactly, but the older version of you, yes. Either that or we’ll have to kill you... erm... him.”
“Well, when you put it that way, I don’t see as I have much choice.”
WHERE AM I?
Veli was feeling irritable as he sat in the cockpit of his ship. His younger self should have been back by now.
He’d probably been caught.
It would figure.
“What in the devil is taking me so long?” he said with a grunt.
“You, sir?”
“The younger me, Dummy.”
“Ah, yes. Maybe he was caught in the same way you said you were caught?”
“He should have already been aware of such a thing,” Veli said as he flung the wrapper from the bar he was eating out the door. “Surely he wouldn’t fall for something I warned him about.”
“Agreed, and don’t call me Shirley.”
“Ugh,” said Veli. “I see you’ve been watching old movies again.”
“Not much else to do, sir, and that one does make me giggle.”
If the little runt had just jumped in the ship like Veli told him to, they’d be millions of years into the future by now, planning out a glorious empire. Instead, he was stuck moseying around on this backwater planet, waiting.
He pushed himself out of the chair.
“I guess I’ll have to go out there and see where the hell I am.”
“You’re in here.”
“I’m talking abou
t the younger me, you soldered flux!”
A bell dinged.
“Someone is approaching, sir,” Dummy announced.
“Is it me?”
“Uh…”
“The younger me,” Veli said with a sigh. “Honestly, it’s not that complicated.”
“It’s the younger version of yourself, sir.”
“Well, it’s about damn time,” Veli said, stepping down the ramp, putting his hands on his hips, and giving Young Veli the most angst-ridden glare he could. “Where have you been, young man?”
“Don’t start with that stuff. I’m you, remember?”
“Actually,” Veli replied, dropping his arms, “I’ve just been saying that over and over again with Dummy.”
“Makes one wonder who is more fitting of that particular title, doesn’t it?” Dummy said.
“Silence, you,” Veli said. He then began tapping his claw on the hull of the ship. “So what took you so long?”
“If you must know, I was looking for something to eat. I haven’t had anything since lunch break at school and I’m famished.”
“That’s it?” He moved into the ship and pulled out a protein bar like the one he’d just finished. “Here.”
“What’s this?”
“Meal replacement. Makes it so you don’t have to hunt.”
“Brilliant,” said Young Veli, taking a ravishing bite from it. He chewed a couple of times and said, “Tastes awful.”
“You’re supposed to take the wrapper off first.”
“Oh.” He removed the wrapper and took another bite. “I think it was better with the wrapper on.”
“You get used to it.”
§ § §
“Still don’t understand why we’re not just blowing him up,” Geezer said as Harr stood in engineering.
“Agreed, Chief,” Frexle said emphatically. “Fact is, if the shoe were on the other foot, we’d all be dead by now.”
They were right, of course, but there were extenuating circumstances that had just come to light. The civilizations that suffered the wrath of those circumstances were probably rolling over in their graves at Harr’s decision to find another way to manage things, but they weren’t in his shoes right now.
“It’s difficult to argue the point,” admitted Harr, “but it’s ultimately my decision.”
“Well…”
“No, Frexle, you elected to forgo commanding this mission, and one doesn’t just command out of convenience.”
“They don’t?” Frexle and Geezer said in unison.
“Not on this ship,” Harr answered. “Besides, we can’t justify sending a stream of missiles down there with all of that innocent life around.”
“Mostly insects, Prime,” Geezer said.
“Creepy,” Goozer added.
“And let’s not forget Young Veli.”
“Who’s going to turn out to be old Veli,” Frexle noted.
“Look, gentlemen,” Harr said in a commanding voice, “I’ve come to a decision here, and that’s that. If we can’t figure out a way to enact the plan as needed, then we’ll take more drastic measures.”
“More drastic than cutting his balls off?” Goozer asked.
“I would argue that throwing Mayhem Missiles and Planet Poppers at him would be more drastic, wouldn’t you?”
“Not really, Rocket Pack,” Frexle argued. “At least you go out in a flash that way.”
“Rocket Pack?”
“Branching out.”
“I see.” That’s when a thought struck Harr. “Actually, you’re right, Frexle.”
“I am?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, I do try my best, you know?” Frexle moved from foot to foot for a second and then stopped. “What am I right about, again?”
“Killing Veli is too good for him, based on all the chaos he’s caused.”
“It is?”
“Of course. You said it yourself.”
“I did?”
“Cutting his balls off is a much more painful punishment than just outright killing him.”
“Got ya there, Frex,” Geezer said.
“Yep,” agreed Goozer.
Frexle looked to be readying a verbal volley against the point, but he finally placed a hand on his chin, raised one eyebrow, and nodded his agreement.
“Good,” said Harr. “Now that we’re all on the same page, what can we do to… expose Veli?”
Nobody had any direct answers to this. They thought it over as they padded around the engineering room. Well, all of them except Goozer. He paced along the top of Geezer’s desk instead.
“Do you have any new technology we could use, maybe?” Harr asked. “Or, wait… Why can’t we just beam him up?”
“He’s got a field around his ship, remember?” Geezer answered.
“Oh, right.”
“We have the new TSC-1000,” Frexle said, pointing at a device that looked similar to the red-brick cellular phone that he’d left with Geezer during his original visit to the Reluctant.
“That’s true,” said Geezer as he picked it up. “This is the Timespan Communicator 1000, or the TSC-1000, like Frex said.”
“Okay, so you’ve named it,” said Harr, “but what’s it for?”
“Frex?”
“Thanks, Chief. Uh, it lets us communicate with any intergalactic cell device in the past or future, MVC.”
“MVC?”
“Most Valuable Captain.”
“Anyway,” Harr pressed on, “are you saying we can talk to people in the future or past or—”
“Any time we need to, Prime,” Geezer interrupted. “Assuming they have a device that is connected to the intergalactic relay system, of course.”
“This is perfect, then.”
“It is?” said Goozer. “Why?”
“Because I know just who can help us, that’s why.” Harr rubbed his hands together. “Can you put a call in to Inkblot?”
“Sure, one sec.”
Geezer began pressing a bunch of buttons on the phone. It seemed to be a lot more than what one would expect. In fact, it was moving into ridiculous.
“What are you doing?”
“Dialing, Prime,” Geezer said, stopping to look at Harr.
“How many numbers is it?”
“One hundred and twelve,” Geezer answered.
“Holy crap.” He turned to Frexle. “Intergalactic relay phone numbers are that long?”
Frexle chuckled. “No, Skyscraper, but we’re not just calling a standard number here. We have to take into account the fact that we’re going through millions of years.”
“So?”
“So Geezer isn’t just typing in a basic number, he’s typing in the details on time, location, encryption schema of the era, etc.” Frexle then jolted and looked at Geezer. “Chief, did you remember to dial a ‘one’ first?”
“Damn.”
After another couple of minutes working through the lengthy sequence of numbers, and having to repeat the process because Geezer had forgotten to dial the subspace area code in addition to the standard area code, the phone began to ring.
“Hello, this is Inkblot,” a voice came across the speaker.
“Hello, Inkblot,” Harr replied. “This is Captain Harr.”
“Oh? I don’t recognize this number.”
“That’s because we’re on a device that calls through time,” he said, looking up at Geezer for confirmation of that fact.
“It’s the TSC-1000,” Geezer said.
“The what?”
“They can explain later,” Harr said before they could get started. “Listen, I was wondering if you could get Alfred on the call?”
“Sure. One second.”
There was a click and then the sound of Fantasy Planet music. It wasn’t surprising the muzak song playing reminded Harr of a soundtrack from one of Jezden’s movies. Planet Head Stanley Parfait was in charge of the place, after all.
“Okay,” Inkblot said, coming back on the line
, “he’s here.”
“Alfred?”
“Yes, Captain Harr?”
“We need your help.”
“Again?”
SECRET MEETING
Lord Overseer Pillbox had been feeling the pangs of guilt, but it was being shrouded by power.
That sweet, sweet power.
She moaned gently and then took a deep breath.
It was time to come clean and tell everyone what was going on. Not all of them, obviously, but she needed the support of her inner circle. If she couldn’t get it, she’d walk away from Corlair, regardless of the consequences.
Of course, they might also support her in a different way. Maybe they’d see the deviousness of Veli’s supporters and rise up against him, keeping her at the helm while collectively calling the shots.
“We’re all here, madam,” said Jord.
The lights were kept low on purpose. She just couldn’t face them since she knew their persecuting eyes were going to burn into her.
“I have something to tell you that may be unpleasant to hear.”
“Go on.”
“I was approached by one of the corporate elite to play for their side,” she said through ragged breaths.
“Veli’s side?” asked Jord.
“Yes.”
Silence.
Her heart was pounding.
“And what did you say?” Jord said after a few moments.
“Yes,” Bezzin reiterated, “what did you say?”
“I agree with their line of questioning,” Zesque added, demonstrating his level of seriousness by putting out more words than was his norm.
Pillbox swallowed hard. “Honestly, I said that I would.”
“Disappointing,” Jord said, and he’d said it in a disappointing tone, too.
“Exactly the word for it.”
“Agreed.”
Pillbox wanted to tell them all to go to hell. They didn’t know what it was like being in this position. Throw any of them in this seat and they’d have done the same thing. Especially if it were Zesque, considering he agreed with everything.
But she needed them.
Now more than ever.
“I admit that it was foolhardy, and I have just confessed this to you, so I don’t need to be browbeaten about it.”
“Why are you telling us now?” Jord asked.
“Excellent line of—”
Platoon F: Quadology: Missions 6, 7, 8, and 9 (Platoon F eBook Bundle 2) Page 64