“I project this image of a woman who’s got it all together. Wise. Successful. Strong.”
“That’s accurate.”
“What if I told you that something happened in my past, and I’m not ready to tell you about it, that has impacted every single decision I’ve made and it’s prevented me from getting close to a man?”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
She shook her head.
“I told you all my dark, dirty secrets,” he said, attempting humor.
“This goes beyond…this is stuff I’ve only ever shared with Alex and Cara. You know when something so bad happens that all you see is black? That just the thought of it weighs you down until you can’t move? It pulls you under, and you can’t easily get back out?”
He wrapped his arms around her, maybe as much for himself as for her. He expected her to shove him away, but she didn’t. She clutched the sides of his shirt and buried her face in the hollow of his neck. He kissed the top of her head and brushed his lips against her ear. “You don’t have to tell me, not now, but I know enough about you and me to know that we aren’t just a fling. You’ve trusted me up until now.”
She turned her face up to his, her lips reaching for him. He cupped her face gently with his hands and proceeded to kiss her thoroughly, deeply, until neither of them had the desire to speak. The emotions she evoked in him were like nothing he’d ever experienced. The first night he’d met her at the bar he’d wanted to go to bed with her. He’d had an insane attraction to her, found her gorgeous and drop-dead sexy, and now he wanted her even more, was even more attracted. Except now he also wanted to wake up with her, wanted to know every part of her.
Matt kissed her until she couldn’t stand on her own. Her knees wobbled. He picked her up, sat her on the counter, and stood between her legs. Everything became hotter, fast. Their hands bumped into each other, competing for access, and he let her win as she pulled his shirt off. He lifted her and walked with her legs wrapped around his waist into his bedroom.
“You’re not carrying me.” He didn’t feel like pointing out that she made no attempt to disengage herself.
“I am, because I don’t want you to let go.”
“Well, it’s not very smart, because of your leg injury.”
“Sex rule number one? Don’t remind a guy about any inadequacies.”
She laughed softly and leaned forward to kiss his neck. “We both know your ego isn’t that fragile. Maybe you should use a cane.”
He dropped her on the bed, both of them laughing. He followed her down only to have her wrestle him underneath her. She straddled him, out of breath. When he made eye contact with her, the humor was gone, something changing in her expression. His room was dark, but the faint glow of light from the hallway streamed through, enough that he could make out every expression, every flicker in her eyes.
She leaned down, took his hands off her waist, and placed them beside his head. She didn’t break his stare. There was a look in her eyes, something other than desire. The room was quiet except for the sound of their breathing. He waited, knowing she needed to make the next move, knowing this wasn’t going to be like anything he’d ever experienced. God, he’d wait forever, even if it killed him. She sat there, on top of him, and he sensed he was being evaluated, tried for some crime he had or hadn’t committed.
He tried to figure her out, as he’d done countless times before, studying her unreadable expression. After another minute he slowly lowered his hands to grasp her thighs, feeling the heat through the soft denim. He didn’t say a word as he grasped the edge of her sweater and she lowered her head as he lifted it off and tossed it to the floor. His gaze roamed over her bared torso appreciatively, taking in the full breasts, the black lace bra. With self-control he hadn’t known he possessed, he kept his hands on her waist, her soft, pale skin a contrast to his. Her eyes were still on him, like she was expecting something. He knew her guard hadn’t come down yet. He didn’t have her trust yet. And he knew she wasn’t waiting for words. Whatever darkness Kate had, whatever wounds, he knew they wouldn’t be healed by some compliments. He knew that what she needed from him wasn’t words.
“Matt,” she whispered.
Hell, there was only so much he could stand. Kate, straddling him, in his bed, with only a bra on was heaven and hell. He’d never been one to linger. Her breath caught slightly as he grazed the underside of her breasts, his gaze not leaving hers. Her thighs squeezed him and she pressed against him, slowly leaning down to kiss him. He fisted his hands in her hair gently and kissed her until their breathing was ragged, until they both needed so much more.
…
Kate stared at the gorgeous, sleeping man she was lying half on top of. She stared at him and wondered if he was actually real. There wasn’t a fake thing about him. He was as real as the smattering of scars across his beautiful, lean-muscled body. As real as all the wonderful, exquisite things they’d done in bed. She fought the urge to kiss him, or trace her finger over his lips. He looked peaceful, calm, and at the same time, he looked strong and capable and protective. His hand lay against her bare hip, keeping her close, safe. The even sound of his breathing was the only sound other than the flickering fire.
He’d known. He’d known he was her first and that would mean questions. She didn’t want questions. This is what she’d always been afraid of, but there had never been anyone before him that she’d wanted enough to face those questions. She almost felt like she could, with Matt.
“I know you’re watching me.” She jumped at the sound of his voice. His eyes were still closed, but he was smiling now.
She leaned forward and kissed him, smiling. Seconds later she was still smiling, except he’d rolled her onto her back and she was staring up at him.
“So, have I proven myself?”
She laughed softly as he leaned forward, kissing her neck. The laughing turned into a sigh as he nuzzled her ear, kissing the spot beneath her earlobe. “I think so. Zibbits has nothing on you.”
“Cute.”
She ran her hands up the taught muscles of his biceps. “Best night ever,” she whispered, marveling at how easy it was to be truthful with him.
He looked up, his eyes darkening before kissing her in that way that always seemed to capture all her thoughts, render her completely incapable of thinking of anything but him. “I want everything, all of you,” he whispered gruffly. “I want you to let me in.”
“I believe I just let you in,” she said, attempting humor, but his expression turned serious and the conversation that she had always known would be demanded of her one day was imminent. She glanced at his shoulder and wanted to reach up and kiss it, knowing his flesh would be warm, strong.
“Kate? No more hiding. We’re in a real relationship. I’m not walking away, I’m not playing games.”
“Then what about you? I know your mother told me you were shot…and I know about Michelle. But nothing more.” His face tensed slightly. She knew that by asking him, she was opening herself up to more questions.
“Okay. When I was a rookie cop, I got called out on a domestic call. It wasn’t a new one. I had been to this apartment a few times. Every time, the wife would change her mind and not press charges. Her husband was a miserable drunk and would always lay into her when he got home from the bar. I wasn’t surprised when I got the call that night. I walked in there, everything looking like it usually did—except this time, the wife said she was leaving and she was pressing charges. Her asshole husband was livid and said she couldn’t take the kids. Everything was fine. Under control. Except the two-year-old came up to me, lifting her arms for me to pick her up. And uh,” he blinked a few times, turning from her and looking up at the ceiling. She held her breath, waiting for him to finish. “I was thrown off for a second. I lost sight of what I was doing there and I took my eyes off the husband. I just looked down at that little girl and saw my sister. She used to do that too when my dad was on a bender. But that fucker pulled out a gun and shot his w
ife. I threw myself in front of her, shielded the kid, but by the time I drew my firearm he’d already shot me in the hip.”
“Oh, Matt,” she whispered, kissing his shoulder, holding on to him. She thought he’d pull away from her, but instead, he turned into her, kissed her.
“What happened?”
“The mother was okay. She got custody of the kids and he went to prison.”
“What about you?”
He shrugged. “Never got full use of my leg back in a way that would be safe for me to work as a cop. It was stupid and I regret ever letting my past cloud my judgment. I was trained to compartmentalize. I had been able to do it before. But that one night, that one extra second…I, uh, was never able to talk about it with Michelle.”
He stopped abruptly. The significance of what he was saying filled her with emotion. “Why?”
“I don’t know. We never had that kind of relationship. We went through the motions. I thought that’s what love was. She didn’t share and I didn’t share. I didn’t lean on her or confide in her. I didn’t know that I needed that kind of involvement with someone. She found it with someone else, while we were married. Next time around, I want someone who can give me everything, because that’s what I’m willing do to.”
She held her breath. The weight of this burden he had suddenly thrust upon her made it hard to breathe. “Matt,” she whispered, reading the expectation in his eyes.
“Hey, you can’t just walk away from everything. We’ve come way too far, baby. I’ve shared everything about myself. Everything. I know more about you than you’d like to think.” He gripped her hips gently, holding her still. “I know you, Kate. I know what turns you on, I know all the little sounds you make when I’m inside you, and I know there hasn’t been a guy before me.”
Her gaze snapped to his, but she had no words.
“Why hasn’t there been anyone?”
“I never should have dated a PI.”
“It didn’t take a detective.”
“I’m not even going to ask how you knew.”
“I can tell you in explicit detail if needed—”
“Not needed.”
“Kate?”
“I haven’t needed relationships other than my sisters and our kids. I have spent most of my life surviving, and I quickly realized that when there wasn’t a man in my life, I thrived.”
There was a long pause. Her mind was trying to sort through everything he’d told her, everything he was demanding of her. But she couldn’t come up with a way out or a way to stay with him.
He took her hand, and she just watched as he kissed the palm of her hand. “So it must have been really bad, at home? To go your whole life without having a relationship.”
She avoided eye contact with him, because the man just kept on reeling her in. “There’s more to life than sex. Survival takes priority. A job. Adopting Janie. I could not afford to let my guard down for a guy. Not worth it until—” She stopped speaking, but she knew they both knew what she’d been about to say. Until him. The risk had never been worth it. She had never trusted anyone like she trusted him. Until now, until Matt.
“Thank you,” he said, kissing her shoulder. “I need to ask you something. Can you tell me who Derek Stinson is to you?”
She gasped. “Pardon?”
“Derek Stinson. How do you know him?”
And just like that, Derek found his way back into her life, ruining it. She stopped breathing for a moment. She was trapped. That monster. It had been him at the bar. And now… She pulled back. She wanted him, wanted to stay the way they were before Derek was involved, but she couldn’t go back. Moving forward with him now would jeopardize her safety, her family, everything if he believed Derek over her.
“How do you know him?” She forced her words to sound calm, rational.
“I met him when I was just starting out. He took me under his wing. I’ve known him now for years and he’s become a good friend to my mother and Sabrina. A good man. Now he’s retired and wasn’t ready to completely retire so I hired him. We have a lot of retired cops.”
She pushed away from Matt, trying desperately to separate what he’d just said from the person Matt was. He was speaking about him as though he were a saint. There was no way Matt would tolerate the kind of man Derek really was, but telling him that she hated Derek would mean having to share everything with him. So far, he’d been so understanding, hadn’t pressured her at all. But now, if she said something specifically about Derek…
Matt was looking at her as though she was crazy. Maybe she was. “Why does it look like you think I’m suddenly an ass?”
She shook her head. Obviously, she wasn’t doing a very good job of keeping things to herself. She grabbed her clothes from the ground and quickly dressed, knowing he could see her hands shaking, knowing that he had no idea what was going on. She couldn’t stay here.
“He asked me about you.”
A few minutes ago every inch of her had been bathed in heat, now she was frigid. He was back in her life, ruining it again. He had asked about her? She stood, trying to button her jeans, but her fingers were shaking so badly she couldn’t. “How did he know about me?”
“I told him I was dating you.”
Matt gently pulled her back down on the bed, but she didn’t look at him. “Don’t talk about me. Don’t ever talk about me.” Walls were closing in and her greatest nightmare was happening. He was here.
“Hey, Kate, you gotta talk to me, sweetheart. You can trust me.”
She pushed out words that came from that dark place inside, that held all her memories and nightmares. She pushed the words past all her self-preservation instincts that told her not to speak. “What did he say about me?” Her voice sounded deep and hoarse. She stared down at her hands cupping her kneecaps as she braced herself for Matt’s response. But whatever his response, she knew she needed to leave.
Matt let out a rough sigh. “It sounded like he knew you, like you had a past maybe.”
She snapped her head to look at him. “What did he say? Exact words.”
She read the surprise in Matt’s eyes, caught the way his jaw clenched as he looked at her.
“Tell me what he said, Matt.”
He stared into her eyes, and she knew he was studying her response. She braced herself. She knew he’d tell her the truth. “He told me to watch out. Something along the lines that you couldn’t be trusted.”
Rage swam through her in a torrential, fluid motion that rendered her speechless for a moment. Then she stood. “I need to go home.”
He shrugged into his jeans and stood in front of her. He bent his knees slightly, trying to make eye contact with her. She knew she was playing into Derek’s image of her. She knew she wasn’t being fair to Matt. Maybe she was acting like a defiant child, or maybe she just didn’t have what it took to be in a relationship. This would be the point in a normal, healthy relationship that she opened up, she would tell him, but she couldn’t. How could she even begin to pull out each and every memory? Good or bad, they belonged deep inside, her own personal property.
Or what if she told Matt only the amount he needed to know? The part about Derek? The brief version? Because he might not believe you, just like all of Derek’s cop friends. How many times had she tried to tell Derek’s cop friends what he was really like? They had all known. They had seen her mother’s bruises, but not one of them had helped. They had all looked the other way. What if Matt believed Derek over her? That would be too devastating.
“I want to go home, Matt,” she whispered again.
“I defended you, I told him to back off. I told him you were a good person, and a mom.”
“Whoa, you don’t ever speak about me or Janie,” she said, almost screaming, backing away from him.
“You need to tell me what the hell is going on.”
“Does he live in Still Harbor?”
He shook his head. “No. The city. He commutes.” He reached out, to cup her face she realized,
but she had already flinched, already stepped back. He dropped his hands, his tanned face turning gray. He knew. He saw the fear. “You know you’re safe here with me. You and Janie are safe.”
She crossed her arms and nodded repeatedly, trying to distract herself from the sweet tenderness she heard in his deep voice, trying to resist the strong, warm man in front of her. If she truly trusted him she’d walk right to him, wrap her arms around him, and let him hear all of it.
“But you need to tell me why the thought of Derek living in Still Harbor terrifies you. I’ve known him forever. He’s one of the good guys.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, her heart breaking. “I need to go home.”
“I know you, Kate. I know I’m not wrong. You don’t want to talk. I won’t make you talk. But stay here, with me.”
Her secrets, the pain of what she was hiding, hung between them, thick and brutal. She bit her lower lip and looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly, watching the shadows from the fire flicker like the memories rolling through her head. But she didn’t say a damn word.
“I have given you space, I haven’t invaded your privacy even though I’ve been warned.”
Her heart squeezed. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Well, generally when someone tells you to watch your back, you kind of want to know what that means.”
“So, what? You’d do a background check on me?”
He clenched his jaw for a few beats, dropping his hands, before he gave a terse nod. “I didn’t though because I assumed you’d eventually tell me.”
“Well, eventually implies after time. It’s barely been a few weeks. See, this is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved. When you get involved with people they expect things from you that you don’t want to share.”
“So, what? You’re just going to hide for the rest of your life?”
“I don’t think I like you very much right now. You talked about me behind my back. You spoke about my daughter, you had no right. We are none of your business.” Perhaps slightly juvenile, but true nonetheless. Despite how calm he was being, despite how appealing he looked in his fitted T-shirt and well-worn, low-slung jeans, the two-day scruff, and mussed up hair…this could go nowhere.
Falling for the P.I. Page 13