Survival Instinct- Forces of Change

by Sandi Gamble

  Although I was sad to say farewell to my friends, I was happy to be returning to my family. My greatest fear leaving for the Academy was worrying about how I might manage for such a long stretch without being with my mother and father.

  As I was returning home, I felt a growing longing not only for them but for the familiarity of my home and personal belongings. While the Academy was comfortable in a spartan way, it was very clinical in its appearance.

  At least it was thus far.

  My mother assured me that it would get much better. With each passing session, we would be given more freedom. Rather than dormitories, we would be housed in individual rooms and allowed to have our own belongings around us.

  A strange thing happened when I was home though. As much as I’d looked forward to coming home, when I was home, I felt “homesick” for the Academy. Well, at least part of my experience at the Academy. I waited each day for Jace’s call. It was, no matter what else was happening, the highlight of my day.

  As soon as I knew he was calling, my heart would begin to race, and I would hurry to my room where I would talk with him for ages!

  “Well,” Dad remarked with a smirk after I’d been home for several days, “I’m certainly looking forward to meeting the young man who is managing to steal my little girl out from under me!”

  I could feel my face blush. “Dad, no one is stealing me…”

  He cleared his throat and gave me a look as if to say, “I know more about this than you do.”

  I lowered my eyes. “I’m sure you’ll meet him very soon,” I said.

  The days and weeks of break were lovely and over much too quickly. Even so, I would be lying to say that I wasn’t looking forward to getting back to the Academy.

  And to Jace.

  * * *

  We’d all changed in so many ways during our first year at the Academy, but it seemed to me that Jace had changed most – at least in my eyes. He was becoming a man. In another few months, he would turn eighteen. Long gone was his young boy’s body, scarecrow thin and filled with restless energy. Now, in its place was the body of a man. Muscles replaced thin arms and legs. Power was conveyed in his every movement.

  He was, in a word, striking.

  My own body had, of course, changed as well. But there was more changing in me than what was most apparent, and those changes made it nearly impossible for me to keep my eyes off of Jace. For the first time in my life, I needed to consciously focus on the task at hand, lest I find myself distracted by him. Our constant banter and teasing had taken on a new quality, one that I could not yet articulate. All I knew was that it was compelling, powerful and welcome.

  Upon returning that year to the Academy, we were once again ushered into the amphitheater where Headmaster, Colonel Williams stood before us. As we sat silently, he gazed across the seats, seeming to hold each one of us in his eyes and thoughts.

  “Well,” he intoned finally. “I see you have returned.”

  There was soft, nervous laughter that rolled through the hall.

  The Headmaster allowed just the shadow of a smile. “I wasn’t sure you would. I’m never sure.” Then he straightened up and faced us in a way that seemed to convey a begrudging respect. “But you have. And that is worthy of comment. You were children when you first arrived here. Through our efforts – and yours – you are now on the cusp of adulthood. You are men and women in whom we will all place our faith.

  “Do not let us down.” There was a long moment of silence before he continued. “Now, we have a great deal to accomplish, and we’ve less and less time. Today will be devoted to a number of tests. Some of them will feel and seem similar to those you have already taken. They are not. How can they be? You are not who you were when you took the first series. You are new people, people reborn to the tasks ahead of you.

  “With these tests, we will finalize our assessment as to how you will best serve the Community. There will be psychological tests, aptitude tests, special interest tests. There will be physical ability tests and mental stamina tests. When you have concluded your tests, you will speak with a senior advisor who will review your results along with a counselor. At that time, a decision will be made as to your future.”

  At this point, it was so quiet it would have been possible to hear a pin drop. Only the echo of the Headmaster’s strong voice continued to carry into the far cracks and crevices of the amphitheater.

  “One final note,” he added. “The senior advisor and counselor will be new to you.”

  I felt my heart sink. I had been looking forward to seeing Ann again. There was much I wanted to tell her about my thoughts and experiences at home. Perhaps more, I had come to trust her. Now new people will decide my future.

  “Now, just wait in your seat until your name is called.”

  I felt butterflies in my stomach as I waited. But fortunately – or unfortunately – I did not have long to wait before my name was called and I was led to a designated testing area.

  “Relax, Ari, relax,” I told myself, shaking my arms to release the nervous energy that was bursting from me. I was worried. Really worried. There was so much riding on these tests. For me, the worries centered not just on where I would end up, but where Jace would end up as well. If he didn’t get into the Sciences, then he would be moved to another part of the Academy. The chances of our seeing one another would drop down to almost nil. That thought filled me with dread. I couldn’t imagine the Academy or, if I was completely honest, my future, without Jace. I just couldn’t.

  He had taken a seat alongside mine as we waited for our names to be called.

  “Don’t worry,” he whispered.

  “I can’t help it,” I whispered back.

  Through the corner of my eye, I could see him smile.

  “Arianna Vay.”

  I sat up straight, hearing my name. A quick glance at Jace. He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Don’t worry,” he said. I didn’t answer. I tried to smile. And then I was on my way.

  My examiner led me to a small, soundproof room.

  “Have a seat,” he said simply, nodding in the direction of the small chair in front of the desk. “Just relax.” He closed the door. For a brief moment, there was complete darkness. Then a small light positioned in the corner came on. A moment later, an illuminated screen came to life in front of me.

  “Ari, relax.”

  I looked at the speakers, the source of the gentle voice.

  “Breathe slowly. Place yourself in a state of relaxation.”

  The hammering of my heart was giving away my nervousness. Whatever was to happen, would happen. I had to relax. Taking the voice’s advice, I concentrated on breathing slowly and deeply. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize my breath going in and out of my lungs. Slowly, slowly.

  As I felt my heart rate slowed down, I knew that my monitors as well as – the embedded chip that tracked all aspects of my physical response saw to that.

  As soon as my heart rate had slowed to an acceptable rate, the voice said, “We can begin.”

  I opened my eyes and looked at the questions as they appeared on the screen. I did not understand why I was being asked the questions I was being asked. “What colors did I favor? What kind of weather suited me best? What smells did I find offensive?

  The answers to these questions were, of course, simple and straightforward. But why was I being asked such questions? That troubled me. But I had to push my discomfort to the background and simply concentrate on answering.

  Honesty was always the route to go. One question after another. It became reflexive until the following questions appeared on my screen: Have you engaged in sexual activity? I paused. Not because I had engaged in sexual activity. I hadn’t. But I knew something was different about how I felt inside when I was with Jace. I knew my body was changing and sending me new, unsettling messages.

  Were those messages sexual?

  I was both frightened and excited about what the answer might be.

  So,
although I answered “no” to the question, my heart was racing, and I felt a heat in my cheeks. Had I been honest? If my feelings were sexual then wasn’t much of my action with Jace somehow sexual? It was all so confusing!

  “Breathe,” I told myself, knowing that even if my actual thoughts weren’t being monitored, my physical reactions were, and those were telling enough! I breathed slowly, and the next question appeared on the screen. And then the next.

  If my most private thoughts were to be known, yes, I had thought about Jace that way, but I would never break regulations; I would never consider acting on my feelings. Such actions required marriage.

  I sighed. Yes, my answer had been honest and correct.

  During a short break after the test, I sat outside the test area. My examiner stayed close to me but did not engage in any conversation. Although there were a handful of other students in the area, none of us communicated with one another in any way. Such communication was forbidden during testing. Examiners kept a close eye on us, but to my knowledge, no one ever tried to communicate with another student.

  And what would we have communicated anyway? What would I have communicated? It is not as if the questions I had been given had correct answers. They were questions about me. In truth, I had no idea what they had to do with my aptitude for any future position or career. This seemed to be about my personal life.

  I gave up trying to sort it out. After all, these tests have been used for a very long time and seem to have accomplished what they were set up to establish. There was obviously more wisdom in the questions than I could understand.

  Coincidentally or not, just as my “faith” in the tests was reestablished in my own mind was the exact moment that my examiner came over and tapped my shoulder, indicating that it was time for the next session.

  Following the now-familiar procedure, I found myself back in the testing room before the monitor.

  This set of questions centered around my character. Who was I? How might I respond to certain situations? For example, if there were a fire and I could only save my mother or my father, who would I save?

  After this test, another and then another. Finally, when I was finished, I was brought to a dining room. Until I sat down, I hadn’t realized how famished I was! While my tests were collated and analyzed, I ate a huge amount of food. I was so focused on eating that I almost didn’t realize that the tables around me were filling up with other students, all as famished as I was. Soon, there was the collective noise of our eating and, after we finally began to feel sated, our conversation and laughter.

  It was good to be with my friends and fellow students again! The testing had been so isolating. Somehow we knew that we could now talk about the tests and testing freely.

  “Did you get a question about a red fox or a grey one?”

  “Were you asked about the measure of a crate?”

  Strange questions. Seemingly arbitrary questions. Although, from the talk around me, it seemed that at some point each of us was asked about sexual activity. No one came out and said it, but a number of people alluded to it.

  “Did you get a question about…?

  Always a pause, awkward and unending. Always answered by, “You did too?”

  I was finishing my third – or maybe it was my fourth – dessert, when I heard a chair sliding alongside me. I glanced up.

  “Jace!”

  He smiled. “How’d the test go?”

  I felt myself blush. For some reason, even though there were hundreds of questions on the exam, the only one that came to mind had to do with sexual activity. Not trusting myself to answer, I just shrugged.

  His smile never wavered. It was as if he knew something that I didn’t. Of course, that was a quality of his that both endeared him to me, and infuriated me.

  “I hear that there is only a little more to go,” he said.

  I nodded. “I’ll be glad when it’s over.”

  He glanced at me like he was trying to read what I meant by my comment. There was a moment of concern like he was worried but then that passed. He knew I would be all right.

  Just when I felt most comfortably sated by my meal, my examiner appeared at my shoulder. “One last test,” she said.

  I nodded and got up. She led me to a small, comfortable room. The walls were adorned with beautiful, hand-painted pictures. Once again, there was a glass screen on the table. I would later learn that each of the rooms had different pictures painted on the walls. It was as if the rooms were hand-painted with each of us in mind.

  In my room, the paintings seemed to be populated with small, furry animals. They were playful as they romped across the painted landscape. So friendly. So cute. I felt my body relax and a smile broaden across my face.

  I found myself becoming completely engrossed by the painting. It was as if I was walking through the landscape, rather than simply looking at it. I was completely taken up by it. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I could smell the fecund smell of the plants. The flowers. I could hear the way the breeze danced through the brush and trees. I could hear the footsteps of the animals along the paths.

  Then I felt my breath catch in my throat. Oh my! I approached slowly. There, before me, was a domestic cat! A cat! How did they know? How did they know what this creature meant to me? How it had danced through my thoughts and imagination for as long as I could remember? Even more than when I was posed the question about my sexuality, I felt suddenly naked and exposed.

  Perhaps for the same reason!

  My inner thoughts and dreams, my hopes and fears all felt as if they were being broadcast and bared to the world.

  I had never told anyone about my love for domestic cats and certainly not the specific one that was here before me, painted on the wall! This cat, this very cat, was the same one from my leisure pod! What other information from my pod had they gathered, and why?

  I reached out to pet the cat… and I felt my hand press against the cool wall of the room. The three-dimensional quality of my experience ended. The door opened, and Ann Polin stepped in.

  “Hello, Ari,” she said.

  “Ann,” I said, feeling a bit flustered.

  She stepped aside, and two others came into the room, a counselor and another advisor. I quickly stood to attention.

  “Hello, Ari,” they said in unison. Then they stepped over to two chairs on the opposite side of the desk and sat down.

  I looked at Ann who indicated that I could sit down as well. She, however, remained standing. “Ari, this is Arna and Joyla. They will be reviewing your results and discussing them with you. I will be available, but primarily to consult.” She smiled. “It has been a pleasure working with you, Ari.” With that, she slipped out the door and disappeared.

  I looked at the two women in front of me. They were attentively studying the results of my testing.

  A moment later, the two women glanced up at me.

  “Good work, Ari,” Joyla said. “Our understanding is that you wish to continue in the Sciences, like your parents. Is this correct?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Because of your parents?” she asked, her tone more pointed.

  “Yes and no,” I answered. “Of course, my earliest exposure and understanding of science came from my parents, so in that regard, yes. However, I have come to love learning about science and have always found that the more I’ve learned, the more I had to learn. It has always been close to my heart.”

  “And if you were unable to continue in Science?” Arna asked.

  The question dumbfounded me. For, in truth, though I knew I was being tested to assess my aptitude for a Science career, it never really occurred to me that I would not have such a career path. “I... I cannot imagine not pursuing a career in Science,” I said finally. Then I looked at them closely. Leaning in, I asked, “Have you found anything that might compromise my going forward with Science?”

  “We are not at liberty to say,” Arna said. Even so, they seemed satisfied with my res
ponse.

  Joyla asked the next question and then, one after the other, they seemed to alternate questioning me. The questions went on for another hour or so until, finally, they looked at one another in a silent agreement and then turned back to me. “Could you please wait in the corridor outside?”

  Although framed as a question, I knew that it was anything but. I slid my chair back and, without a word, went into the corridor where I sat on the bench and reviewed the session, considering and reconsidering each of my answers and responses.

  As I thought of each one, I could not think of a single word I would have changed. Having quickly reviewed and been satisfied with my communication, I found my thoughts returning to the picture on the wall of the room. The image of the cat resonated in my mind in ways that I couldn’t fully understand. I felt warmth and unease, interest and a confusion of emotions I didn’t fully grasp.

  There was something about that cat. Why? And why was it that cat that was pictured in that room, the room where I was being assessed? Just when my thoughts about the picture seemed to be reaching a fever pitch, the door opened, and Joyla beckoned me inside.

  She was about to direct me back into my seat, but before she could say a word, I found I couldn’t keep myself from blurting out, “I really have to ask you something.”

  Arna and Joyla looked at one another and then Arna looked back at me. She nodded, giving me permission to continue.

  “I’m sure this may sound out of place to you, however shortly after entering this room I noticed the picture on your wall.” I motioned to the picture of the cat, “I was wondering how it is, that the very cat I have programmed in my leisure pod is the very one that adorns your wall?” Although I spoke these words with all the power of the emotions roiling within me, a red blush crept up my cheeks as my face betrayed a feeling that I had somehow spoken out of turn. “I don’t mean to sound rude,” I added quickly. “But I just can’t help but ask…”

  I was surprised to see a look of relief wash over Joyla’s expression. She leaned towards me. She smiled. “You may not have anticipated it, but we are quite glad that you asked. The determination to question things, whether obvious or not, is essential to scientific inquiry. Scientists are naturally curious when presented with a puzzle.