“I wonder what he’s got…
that guy’s a goner.”
Then they call you.
You look around at the other people,
(very pleased)
“Well, I guess I’ve been chosen…”
And you get very excited,
because you think you’re going to see the doctor.
But you’re not.
You’re just going into the next, smaller Waiting Room.
Now, you don’t even have your magazine.
Now you’ve got your pants around your ankles,
you’re sitting on that butcher paper they pull out over the table.
Sometimes I bring a pickle with me.
Put it next to me right there on the table.
In case the doctor wants to wrap the whole thing up for a to-go order.
But medically speaking, it’s always good to be in a small room.
You don’t want to be in a large room,
like those operating theaters that they have with stadium seating.
You don’t want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go,
“Well, I have to see this. Are you kidding? Are they really going to do that?
Are there seats? Can we get in?”
* * *
Doctors always want your pants off.
“Get your pants off and get in there and then I will tell you what I think.”
“The doctor would like to see you with no pants. Just get them off.”
It really gives him an advantage.
In any difference of opinion,
Pants always beats No Pants.
But I hate the extra wait, so I start screwing around with some of his stuff.
“Maybe I’ll turn that thing up a little bit. Whatever the hell that does.”
Take all the tongue depressors out, lick them all, put them all back in.
Two can play at this waiting game.
Just once I would like to say to the doctor,
“You know what? I’m not ready for you yet.
Why don’t you go back in your little office.
I’ll be in in a minute.
And get your pants off.”
Why does a doctor need that little office anyway?
I guess he doesn’t want people to see him looking stuff up—
“What the hell was that?”
(quickly paging through a book)
“Jesus Christ.
That was kind of gross.
That wasn’t the tube or the circle.”
May Contain
I like when ingredients say,
“May contain one or more of the following.”
“May contain”?
What if it’s important?
What if you have diabetes?
“Does it have sugar?”
“Maybe…
We’re not saying.
Why don’t you just eat it?
Then we’ll all know for sure.”
Chock Full o’Nuts
Why does coffee always come from these made-up places like Arabica?
Where is that?
Near Jamoca Almond Fudge?
Coffee always has fake names.
“Chock Full o’Nuts.”
How many more years does this go on before someone says to them, “Excuse me. What are you talking about? What nuts?”
The head of the company probably went,
“You can call it Pocket Full of Balls, as far as I’m concerned.
It’s coffee. No one cares.”
Improved Tide
I was in the supermarket the other day and I see Tide has been improved.
Do they sense that people are out there,
“How was your wash?”
“I don’t know… It was alright… I guess.
Could’ve been better.”
I have no idea how they improved it.
They’re always showing you how detergents get out bloodstains.
Kind of a violent image, isn’t it?
I think if you have a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it,
maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now.
Maybe get rid of the body before you do the wash?
Who are they appealing to?
Somehow I don’t picture Charles Manson
standing over the machine with that little cup of fabric softener.
Chopsticks
I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people.
They’re really hanging in there with the chopsticks.
Obviously, they’ve seen the fork…
But they’re,
“Yes, very nice.
But we’re staying with the sticks.”
I don’t know how they missed it.
Chinese farmers working in the field with a shovel all day.
Shovel… spoon… come on.
There it is.
You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.
Cannibalism
One of the most powerful things in the world is hunger.
Hunger will make people do amazing things.
The proof of that is cannibalism.
That’s hungry.
Cannibalism actually exists.
How do they live?
They’re eating. What do they say?
“This is good.
Who is this?”
I would think the hardest part of being a cannibal is getting a good night’s sleep.
Constantly waking up in the middle of the night,
“Who is it?
Who’s there?
What do you want?
You look hungry.
Are you hungry?
You get the hell out of here right now.”
People Owner’s Manual
See, each man and each woman actually does have an owner’s manual.
Nothing’s written down anywhere.
But the directions for operation of an individual in a relationship are detailed and specific nonetheless.
So when you start out with someone, you’re essentially driving a strange car for the first time.
But none of the controls are labeled.
So, the wipers can come on at strange times.
Sometimes you stall.
We’ve all met people with bad steering, no brakes, needs a muffler.
Headlights a little dim, too much in the trunk, not enough under the hood.
Prone to backfiring, won’t turn over, and just plain out of gas.
Which is why when people get ready to get married
they so often seem to choose basic transportation.
It’s simple, it’s reliable, and it gets you there.
That’s important on a long trip.
Favor
There’s two kinds of favors.
Big favor.
Small favor.
You can measure the size of the favor
by the size of the pause the person takes after they ask,
“Could you do me a favor?”
No pause, small favor.
“Could you do me a favor and hand me that pencil?”
But if it’s,
“Could you do me a favor…?
What I need is…”
The longer it takes them to say it, the bigger the pain it’s going to be.
Also the human is the only species that does favors.
Animals don’t do favors.
A lizard doesn’t say to a cockroach,
“Could you do me a favor and hold still for a second, I’d like to eat you alive.”
That, by the way, would be a big favor.
That cockroach is really putting himself out.
Men’s Attention
Why are women always trying to draw men’s attention
to every area of your body we’re already totally focused on?
Short skirts, push-up bra.
Do we really need the coaching?
I find some of these sexy outfits women
wear a little insulting.
It’s like they feel we need a highlighter.
Don’t tell me where to look.
If we can’t handle the leering and gawking by now…
I don’t know why we even bother setting up all these construction sites.
You know women walking by construction sites is what built this country.
There’s no other way to get people to do these jobs.
Women complain but this system is working.
“If you guys want to stand on the street,
and be obnoxious all day,
you’re going to have to at least pretend to be building a building.”
Beauty Contest
Men can justify anything to look at women.
“What about a swimsuit competition?”
“Yes, women in swimsuits competing.
That makes perfect sense.”
The whole concept of the beauty contest itself.
Think about that.
“You are very attractive.
I challenge you.”
Pocketbooks
Women have different ways of adjusting men’s proximity.
The pocketbook is probably their main distance controlling unit.
All the equipment in there is designed to keep men within a certain optimal range.
If the men are too far away, they’re like,
“Too far.
More makeup, eye colors, perfumes, bring them in.”
But if they get too close it’s,
“Oh, too close—
Mace, rape whistles, keys between the fingers.
Back up, dude.”
Flower Power
Probably the only thing that enables a man to keep a relationship going over a long period of time
is the existence of flowers.
A man alone cannot survive in a relationship.
But a man with some flowers has a chance.
If there were no flowers on earth,
the world would be men and lesbians, that’s it.
And that’s why flower stores are not set up right for what men need.
It should be that you walk in, you tell them what you did wrong,
they give you the flowers for that,
and you just continue right out the back.
The “Alright, Your Brother’s Not an Idiot” bouquet.
The “Your Career’s Important Too” basket.
Also, any man carrying a big bouquet of flowers
is the king of that street.
No other man with a woman wants to be seen anywhere near this guy.
Or he gets, (elbow jab)
“See? That’s what I’m talking about…”
Because he’s carrying flowers.
He could have a severed head in the other hand.
She doesn’t notice that.
Always Friends
There are certain friends in your life who are always your friends.
You don’t call them, they call you.
You don’t call back, they call again.
You’re late, they wait.
You don’t show up, they’re not upset.
You try and stab them, they understand.
Thin, Single, and Neat
I am not gay.
I am however, thin, single, and neat.
Sometimes when someone is thin, single, and neat,
people assume they are gay because that is the stereotype.
You normally don’t think of gay people as fat, sloppy, and married.
Although I’m sure some are—I don’t want to perpetuate a stereotype.
But they’re probably in the minority in the gay community.
And probably discriminated against because of that.
People say to them,
“You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you,
but I think it’s about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife.”
Baby Visit
My friend just had a baby.
Lot of pressure to see this baby.
“You have got to see the baby.
When are you coming over to see the baby?
See the baby. See the baby.”
Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather.
“You gotta see him. He’s sooo cute. A hundred and sixty-eight pounds, four ounces.
I love when they’re this age.
He’s a thousand months.
He went to the bathroom by himself today.”
Just once I would like to meet a couple that goes,
“You know, we’re not that happy with the baby,
I think we really made a big mistake.
We should’ve gotten an aquarium.”
Those baby visits can get a lit-tle boring.
You have to yawn.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with yawning.
I hate when people try not to yawn.
Teeth clenched, their cheeks start vibrating, trying to keep their mouth closed.
It’s like watching someone get electrocuted.
Night Guy/Morning Guy
I think the secret to our great American economy is relentless, annoying advertising. And our natural dumbness.
That just works so well together.
I saw a Mattress Store commercial,
“No Payments ’til June.”
Because they know we’re going to go,
“Oh… June… pfff
Well, that’s not really my problem then, is it?
Besides, it’ll probably never be June.
And if it ever is, that’s June Guy’s problem.
So what if I’m broke in the present?
I’m sure June Guy will have gotten some money somehow.
And wouldn’t June Guy want me to be enjoying my life now?”
* * *
We do the same thing when we’re watching TV late at night.
“What about work tomorrow?
You’ve got to get up.
You’ve got a big day.”
“Oh, that’s Morning Guy’s problem.
I’m night guy.
I don’t worry about that stuff.
I party.
I rock the house.
Fire up the next episode and crack open a new sleeve of Oreos for me and my Merry Men!
I’m Night Guy.”
Then, morning comes…
Alarm goes off.
You’re totally trashed.
Crumbs in the bed.
“Oohh… Why did I do that?
I hate you, Night Guy.”
Night Guy always screws Morning Guy.
He becomes,
Coffee All Day Guy.
Who turns into,
Can’t Sleep at Night Guy.
And then into,
Doesn’t Do His Work Guy.
Who becomes
Out of a Job Guy.
You think Night Guy cares?
No.
He’s sleeping on a brand-new mattress
courtesy of
No Payments ’til June Guy.
The Double O’s
For about two years after I finished the series I didn’t do anything.
I moved my life back to New York.
I had breakfast with Colin Quinn everyday.
I played pool at Amsterdam Billiards at night. Very late sometimes.
I met and married my wonderful wife, Jessica.
But no stand-up.
No writing. Nothing.
Felt lost. And wanted to.
* * *
My friend Chris Misiano, the same guy whose brother told us about comedy clubs in New York thirty years earlier, and I decided it would be a good time
to drive from NY to LA in a convertible with the top down the whole way no matter what the weather.
We chose one of the greatest convertibles of all time,
the ’89 Porsche 911 Speedster, and did the trip.
Eight days.
Bou
ght a meteorite in New Mexico.
In LA, two of my comedy pals, Chris Rock and Mario Joyner, were doing a show
at the Universal Amphitheater and I went to see them.
The amphitheater is a big house, about six thousand seats.
I sat there watching these two smooth, confident professionals handle that room
and that crowd so easily.
I laughed and enjoyed that show so much.
And then I thought,
“What an amazing talent and skill set that is to witness.
What a great time we’re having in this audience.
How are they able to do that?!”
I know, I know it sounds so dumb that I would think that.
But we all are dumb from time to time.
Then I thought,
“I want to do that. I want to be like them.”
Then, “Wait a minute! That’s what I used to be!
I used to know how to do everything they are doing.
I still want to be that.”
* * *
This has happened to me over and over again in my life.
You get so used to doing what you do, you don’t see what it is anymore.
I still see stand-up comedians and think,
“How in the world can they do that?”
Getting out of your head is one of the most important places to visit.
I do not get upset with myself when I am dumb.
Because the essential building blocks of comedy, very often,
are an elegant intertwining of really dumb and really smart.
You need both to make comedy.
To pick a random example,
the bit about my daughter leaving home for college is like
having a baby alligator in your bathtub for too long and then realizing,
“You know, I think we got to get this thing the hell out of here.”
Making the analogy is the smart part.
But you also need the dumbness of a person leaving an alligator in their bathtub
for an extended period of time to make the joke work.
It’s actually a big part of what you’re laughing at.
A moron with an alligator that doesn’t realize what’s going on.
* * *
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