Anyway, I go to the Chris Rock show.
I realize I want my skill set back.
I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Again.
One problem.
I got no act.
A few months after the series ended I did a stand-up special for HBO
that I’d owed them for a few years.
I decided to call it I’m Telling You for the Last Time, and I would retire my whole set
that I had spent years working on.
Smart, right? And dumb.
So there I was, quite a popular fellow at the time.
Audiences would definitely buy tickets to see me.
But… nothing to say when I get onstage.
* * *
Back again to me and Chris Rock.
We’re having dinner at an Italian restaurant in Manhattan.
I explain my situation.
Chris says, “Well, at least you know there’s only one way to do it.”
It did feel great to be reminded of that.
I didn’t have to waste one second of time wondering how to approach the problem.
I don’t use writers.
So, it’s back to tiny clubs with flimsy stuff, night after night, month after month.
And it takes however long it takes.
When you see a comedian with a ton of great stuff, what you’re really marveling at,
or should be, is
“How could someone crawl on their belly that great a distance?”
So, here’s my belly crawl of these ten years.
Doing Nothing
A lot of people ask me,
“Hey, Jerry, so what do you do now?
You don’t have a show anymore.
What do you do?”
I’ll tell you what I do.
… Nothing.
And I know you’re thinking,
“Hey, that sounds pretty good.
I might like to do nothing myself.”
But doing nothing is not as easy as it looks.
You can get pretty busy doing nothing.
Because when you’re doing nothing, you’re actually free to do anything.
Which can easily lead to doing something.
Which cuts into my nothing,
and forces me to have to drop everything.
Weddings
I’ve been Best Man twice at weddings.
Always thought it was a bit much.
Seems like it should be a groom, and a pretty good man…
Really tries.
I mean, if I’m the Best Man, why is she marrying him?
* * *
But I do stand before you tonight as a very happily married man.
So, I can recommend being married to you.
I cannot, however, recommend getting married.
Because of the Wedding.
The bride of course is the engine that drives the wedding.
The bride is into it.
The bride reads Bride magazine.
Which is the thickest, heaviest, most frightening magazine on the planet.
It lands hard on the coffee table.
“BANG!”
“What was that?!”
“That… was Bride magazine.”
* * *
Bride magazine causes the bride to get Bride Brain.
The Bridal Brain is a world of infinite possibilities.
Ideas like,
“Honey, I think I’m going to need 20 more feet of dress that just drags off the end of my dress.
Because I’m the god damned bride, that’s why.
I dragged him to the altar,
I may as well drag this too.”
* * *
Bride Pride is real.
And Bride Pride is justified.
A woman absolutely deserves wide public recognition that,
“I got one of these clowns to act right.”
Mind you, a bride is also a very keyed up individual.
You never want to surprise a bride.
You never want to make a sudden change in the bridal environment.
Because a bride can snap like that.
And they always do.
And that’s really the best part of the wedding.
When the bride goes berserk.
And rips some hapless wedding worker a new one
because somebody screwed up
on the “Castle of Shrimp.”
“Where is the cocktail sauce in the moat surrounding the castle?!
Where are the lobster claws guarding the gate?!
Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!
I am mortified.
(rips arm away)
LET GO OF ME…
No, I—will—not—lower—my—voice.
Because This Is My Special Day, that’s why.
And you tell that band’s leader I want ‘Colour My World’
and ‘Wind Beneath My Wings,’
or I will shove that mic stand so far up his…
Oh, we’re taking more pictures? Yes, of course.
Come, children, carry my dragging ego.
We’re going down to the simulated duck pond to further document my beauty.”
Because there must be a wedding album after the wedding.
The purpose of which is to equal the weight and intense boredom
of the Bride magazine that started the whole thing.
* * *
I had to wear the tuxedo, which, I am convinced, was invented by a woman.
“Well, they’re all the same, we might as well dress them all the same.”
To me, a wedding is the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride
… and some guy.
The tuxedo also functions as a Wedding Safety Device for the bride.
In case the groom chickens out,
everybody just takes one step over and the ceremony continues.
That’s why they don’t say,
“Do you take Bob Johnson to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
They say,
“Do you take THIS man?”
Whoever’s standing there…
* * *
The tuxedo is also the Universal Male Symbol for somebody trying to pull a fast one.
Think of where you see the tuxedo…
The groom wears it to project an image of sophisticated refinement.
He is hoping nobody at the wedding will notice
the head popping out of the top of the suit
belongs to the same degenerate, ill-mannered ignoramus
everyone there has known for years.
It doesn’t work.
He knew that it wouldn’t.
And that’s why it’s just rented.
The tuxedo is the world’s most rented clothing.
Needed only for quick scams and flimflams.
Award shows, casinos, limos, proms, and strip clubs.
“I just need to fool a small group of people for a short period of time.
I’ll bring it right back.”
Even a Halloween costume is purchased outright and kept with pride.
A 10-year-old child makes a stronger commitment to being a skeleton
than a grown man to being a dignified, mature adult.
And,
I’m sure there are couples here tonight planning
Some kind of huge blow-out wedding.
Do not applaud.
Do not cheer.
Do not go, “woo.”
Do not acknowledge me in any way.
Just sit quietly in the dark…
Because there is something about this wedding I need to tell you.
Something your family will not tell you.
Your friends will not tell you.
Only I, your strange little TV friend…
I might be the only person you know
that can tell you the complete, straight up, honest truth.
Which is this:
Nobody wants to go
to your wedding.
We’re not looking forward to it.
We are not excited, like you are.
Most of us are getting these invitations and throwing it on the ground,
“Oh Jesus Christ… it’s on a SATURDAY…”
Now I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.
I don’t want you to think we’re not happy for you, because we are.
We all think it’s “great.”
You two have met.
You want to be together.
You want to go off and do whatever you want to do in life.
Just do it.
Why is it necessary to ruin the day of 150 other people?
Who are not actually part of this.
Can’t you leave us alone…?
They cannot.
They will not leave us alone.
Couples are always agonizing over these guest lists.
“Oh, we have to invite them, they would be so upset.”
No, they won’t.
They’ll be clicking their heels.
Because it’s a bad party.
Bad music.
Bad food.
Everyone here has been to a good party.
You know what a good party is like…
If you were going to plan a good party,
would you first invite all the oldest people you know?
So you can sit there watching them eat?
In that disgusting way that they do?
Why do old people eat so badly?
They have the most experience at it.
What age is it when you can no longer feel
That you have a piece of food on your face?
Do these nerve endings just die out at 75?
You’re trying to have a conversation…
You can’t do it.
“Don’t you feel that right there…?
You got a piece of rice…
It’s just hanging from your lip.
It’s a very distinct pinpoint sensation.
Why do you not perceive it?”
They breathe out, it swings out.
They inhale, it swings back.
* * *
I don’t need to see people dance that have not otherwise moved in the past 5 years.
Going into these hazy Soul Train memory convulsion flashbacks.
“I guess I’ll just fire off some major muscle groups in a random order…
I can’t remember… what I used to do.”
* * *
The best part of the wedding, from the male perspective,
is it’s the only possible situation where
you’re essentially gathering this woman’s entire family together and announcing to them,
“I am now going to have sex with your daughter.
We’re going to go to a hotel somewhere right after this and I’m going to do everything I can think of.”
And everyone applauds.
Her father’s vigorously shaking your hand.
“Well done, young man.”
Then about halfway through the reception,
the Bride and Groom themselves actually realize how bad it is and just leave in the middle.
They come downstairs.
They’ve changed.
They’ve packed.
“Well, this sucks. We’ll see you later…
We’re going to Barbados to have sex.
You enjoy the dry cake and our relatives…”
And they leave you sitting there.
That’s why everyone follows them out the door,
“Give me a handful of that rice.”
And the old people go,
(taking it from his lip and throwing it)
“Here’s mine, too.”
Divorce
And I’m sure there’s women here going,
“I know you think you’re very funny, Jerry, but marriage is a pretty big change
in a person’s life. And it’s important that everyone is there.”
Divorce is a big change.
How come I don’t have to go to that?
And I would go to that.
At least I’m at a party for something that’s going to last.
It’s rare that you hear about a divorce that didn’t work out.
“Yeah, it turned out that Jim’s asshole qualities and Sue’s bitchiness were just temporary.
They were delightful, lovely people that should never have gotten divorced in the first place.”
Live Together
I was never much for the “live with” relationship approach.
“Let’s see…”
There’s nothing to see.
You’re going to see what you’ve been seeing.
Besides, living with a woman who wants to get married.
That’s like living with a murderer in the house.
Can’t relax. Can’t sleep.
Keep waking up in the middle of the night.
“I think I heard something downstairs.”
“What was it?”
“I don’t know, sounded like a caterer setting up.”
Commitment/Rejection
One of the nice things about getting married,
besides making the commitment to the person you want to be with, is the rejection of a lot of people you don’t want to be with.
That means a lot to me too.
Marriage is a sacred bond, yes.
But it’s also a nice way to tell a lot of people to get lost.
I feel it should be part of the ceremony.
“Do you take this woman… as opposed to some of these other losers I see sitting here.”
* * *
You can really get sick of yourself when you’re single.
And I was single for a long time.
You get so tired of hearing yourself say the same things over and over again.
“Would you like to come up to my apartment for a glass of wine?”
Oh, just shut the hell up already.
Nobody wants any more wine from you.
Stop offering people wine.
Haven’t you served people enough wine…?
Marriage Chess
It’s all about listening.
A lot of wives complain
that their husbands do not listen…
I’ve never heard my wife say this… she may have…
I don’t know.
* * *
But here’s what I do know.
Ladies, your husband wants to make you happy.
He’s working on it.
He’s planning it.
And he’s thinking about it every second.
But he cannot do it.
Sometimes we do it.
We don’t know how we did it.
We can’t ask,
“What did I do?”
That looks like you don’t know what you’re doing.
Can’t do nothing.
Woman says,
“I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
Man says,
“Doing what?”
Woman starts crying.
Man says,
“I didn’t do anything.”
Woman says,
“Exactly.”
So, it’s a bit of a chess game…
Except the board is flowing water,
and all the chess pieces
are made of… smoke.
You can make all the moves you want,
it will not affect the outcome of the game.
Married/Single
The other problem I have being married,
is I can no longer pretend to be interested in the dating problems of my single friends.
“You called some girl, she didn’t call you back…
I don’t care.”
“Can’t seem to meet the right person?
Change your entire personality.”
* * *
When I was single I had married friends.
I would
not visit their homes.
I found their lives to be pathetic and depressing.
Now that I’m married, I have no single friends.
I find their lives to be meaningless and trivial experiences.
In both cases, I believe I was correct.
Whichever side of marriage you’re on
You don’t get what the other people are doing.
I can’t hang out with single guys.
If you don’t have a wife, we have nothing to talk about.
You have a girlfriend?
That’s Wiffle ball, my friend.
You’re playing Paintball War.
I’m in Afghanistan with real loaded weapons.
Married guys play with full clips and live rounds.
“This is not a drill.”
Single guy is sitting on a merry-go-round, blowing on a pinwheel.
I’m driving a truckful of nitro down a dirt road.
You single guys here tonight, looking at me…
“Hey, Jerry, what if I want to be a married guy like you?
What do I got to have if I want to be a married guy?”
I’ll tell you what you got to have.
You better have some answers, buddy…
You better have some answers for that woman.
Women have a lot of questions.
Their brains are strong.
Active.
And on high alert at all times.
You’re sleeping, she’s researching.
(flipping book pages quickly)
* * *
The female brain is cooking all the time.
The female brain is one of the most competent and capable organs in all of the biological universe.
Girl Power.
There is nothing the female brain cannot do.
It will solve all problems of Earth and Life.
Having done that,
it will move on to the hypothetical.
Theoretical situations.
That may or may not occur.
The female needs to know
How you MIGHT respond.
“If you faked your own death,
and I found out about it,
what would you say THEN…?”
“What are we talking about now?”
“Oh, I dreamt the whole thing last night, so don’t deny it!”
* * *
Being married is like being on a game show
Is This Anything? Page 16