And you’re always in the Lightning Round.
I have a game show podium.
Set up in my living room.
I wake up in the morning.
Stand behind the podium.
Try and answer all my wife’s questions.
And get on with the god damn day.
I’ve got a little hand button clicker.
“I’ll take movies I think we saw together for $200.”
My wife, of course, is the returning champion from last week.
“I’ll take details of a 10-minute conversation
we had at three o’clock in the morning, eight years ago,
and I’d like to bet everything I have on that, Alex.
I’m going for the win right here…”
The husband, of course, doesn’t have a clue.
“I’m sorry, sir.
You did not win the weekend sex package
or the guilt-free televised sporting event.”
Thank you for playing
Are You Even Listening to Me?
And don’t forget to take that big bag of garbage with you
On your way out of the studio…”
A Wife Is an Extra Head
A wife is not a relationship.
A wife is an extra head mounted next to your head.
I also have kid heads.
I have a dog head.
I have a parakeet head.
And whenever I want to go somewhere all these heads start talking to each other.
“I want to go here.
I want to go there.
Where do you think you’re going?
Woof, woof,
tweet, tweet.”
Tone
One of the things I did not know when I was single
that I found out after I got married,
is that every single day of my married life
I would be discussing
the tone in my voice.
I was not aware, how often I speak, in the
incorrect tone.
I thought it was a marriage.
Apparently, it’s a musical.
I walk around the house now with one of those
round black glee club things,
“Hmmmm… how about that one?
(angrier)
Hmmmmm… am I getting closer?!”
“It’s your tone.”
“My what?”
“Your tone.”
“My tone?”
“Yes, your tone.”
“What’s wrong with my tone?”
“I don’t like your tone.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“You better change your tone.
Figure out what tone you’re in
and get into another tone.”
And women are correct.
As they always are.
The Male Tone does change over the course of the relationship.
In the beginning, as the male pursues the female,
we raise our voice two full octaves.
(higher voice)
We talk like this.
“Because Chinese food or Italian sounds great.
Maybe we could take a drive or go for a walk…?”
My actual speaking voice
that I am using right now
to communicate with you
is NOT WELCOME in my house.
That’s why I’m out here talking to you…
If I walked in my own house…
Which I paid for, by the way.
Not relevant.
I just wanted to mention it…
And I was to say,
“I HAVE GOT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.”
If I said it like that…
First of all, any guy I know would say,
“Eat whatever you want.
I don’t care what you eat…”
Any woman will say,
“Why are you yelling at me?!”
“I’m not yelling.
I’m just hungry…”
And then the fight breaks out.
And when the fight breaks out, now you’re whitewater kayaking.
You’ve got a plastic helmet on,
you’re going down.
You’re popping up.
You’re catching foam.
Just keep paddling.
It will eventually calm down.
And this is when the woman’s tone of voice changes.
Yes, the women are included in this too.
All women, when they get in the fight with the man,
must at some point in the argument imitate the voice of the man.
And women, in that beautifully organized way that they have,
have somehow all arranged to do the exact same impression.
“Oh, you always say I never said I would definitely go, you said, I might go,
not definitely, you say you’re not comfortable with my friends, when we go with your friends,
and my friends and your friends…”
Who the hell is this guy?
I have never heard anyone talk like this.
(woman imitating man)
“You should hear how you sound.
If you could hear yourself…”
I hear myself.
My mouth is here, my ear is here.
I can hear it perfectly.
Relationship Underwear
Men want the same thing from our underwear that we want from the women in our lives.
A certain amount of support.
And a certain amount of freedom.
I want the loose attitude and cool breezes of boxer-short living.
But I also need a woman that’s got some tight cotton and strong elastic, like a brief.
So, I know I’ve got a real home.
Where I feel centered,
knowing which way I’m pointed in this world.
Blind Sight
I think the blind man gets the best women.
Because in choosing a woman, sight is the ultimate handicap.
The fashions,
the makeup,
the hair color,
the streaks,
the highlights,
the sparkles.
A sighted man can’t see straight.
Blind man sees through all of it.
You better make some sense when you’re talking to a blind man.
Or else he’s like,
“Honey, you could be wearing the hottest outfit in the world.
But these things you’re saying,
you’re useless.”
Blindness is THE handicap to have in dating.
Deafness, I think, would definitely come in handy later when you’re married.
Then when the kids come along,
paralyzed.
“I would love to go to your soccer game.
I have to sit here and watch football on TV.”
* * *
Blindness improves every phase of the relationship.
He doesn’t have to deal with his woman saying things like,
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Of course, I’m listening.
What the hell else do you think I’m doing?”
“I swear sometimes when I talk, it’s like you’re just staring off in space.”
“Well… I’m not.”
Lip Liner
The things people do to make themselves more attractive.
Like the women that do the lip liner like it’s a dead body at a crime scene.
I would like to say to all women on behalf of the men of planet Earth, “We see your lips.”
You want to highlight with a little color, fine.
You don’t need to put a ground marker.
We’re not parachuting in.
It’s “out of bounds lipstick.”
You can’t go outside the lines, ladies, we’ve got to have some kind of rules.
Stay within the lines.
Do not d
raw in features wherever you wish you had them on your face.
This is not Toontown, we’re human beings.
No Important Calls
I just don’t know why people always panic when their cell phone rings.
They always seem to think it’s an important call.
“Oh my god, is that my phone?
Is that your phone?
Whose phone is that?
Is that my ring?
Is that ‘Funky Town’?
‘Got to make a move to a town that’s right for me…’
That is my phone.”
Such urgency.
When are we all going to realize?
There are no important calls.
Here’s how you know it’s not important.
The call is coming from someone you know.
And they’re calling you.
Do you know any important people?
I don’t.
I know a lot of people that think they’re important.
Don’t want to talk to them…
What two things do you say after every telephone call of your life?
“Who was that?”
“Nobody.”
“What did they want?”
“Nothing.”
*69
We live in a new phone world now.
Nothing innocent about a telephone anymore.
We live in a *69, caller ID, caller ID block, kind of world.
“Who’s calling me, trying to get to me, without me knowing that it’s them?
I should be calling them, without them knowing it’s me.
That would give me an advantage over them.”
That’s a lot of suspicion.
Remember when the phone would ring and someone would say,
(singsong voice)
“I’ll… get… it…”
You don’t hear that anymore.
* * *
Now the phone rings,
“NOBODY MOVE…
Who the hell is 5-1-3?
It better not be who I think it is…!”
* * *
*69 was the first phone feature they came out with that
I thought was a little hostile to the calling party.
Someone calls.
They hang up.
You hit that *69.
“Nice try, creep. Oh, I know all about your little call…”
* * *
And 69?
That’s the number they pick for this thing?
So that means there isn’t one person at the phone company that went to junior high school?
How did that slip through an entire organization?
If you worked at the phone company,
and you heard they were doing this…
wouldn’t you walk into that meeting and go,
“69?
Are you guys kidding me…?!
That’s the number you guys came up with for the new feature?
What the hell is going on in here?”
“We’re the phone company.
We can pick any number we want.
68.
70.
I can’t wait to hear what you got for 3-Way Calling.”
BlackBerry Relation-Chips
My wife is on the BlackBerry now.
These people have totally left the conscious world.
They walk around with it in their hand because that is what BlackBerry commands them to do.
And they’re always comparing you to what’s on the BlackBerry.
“Uh-huh, which is really more interesting here?”
Is there anything worse than when they do that slow head drop?
And they just leave you.
What am I supposed to do?
Just look for planes now?
Do we even know what rudeness is anymore?
What if I held a magazine up in front of your face and just read it while you’re talking?
Is that impolite in any way?
My wife’s BlackBerry keeps advancing on me.
It started in the car.
Then she brought it into the house.
The other night I found it in the bed.
It was on the other pillow just blinking at me.
Like,
“You’re not part of what she and I have.”
I tried to smother it with another pillow but it doesn’t use oxygen.
A couple of days later, my wife found it in the bottom of a bowl of yogurt.
“Oh, it said BlackBerry, I guess I got confused.”
≈Links
I need to meet some new people.
Different people.
People that are not like the people I know now.
I don’t care if they’re smart or funny or interesting or nice
as long as they don’t send links in emails.
That’s the kind of people I feel very drawn to right now.
“Did you get the link?
I sent you a link.
Did you see the link?”
“Yeah, I got the link.
Your link is not my only link.
Got a lot of links.
Get in the Link Line.
I will get to your link.”
3 days later…
“I tried to open it. The link wouldn’t open.”
“Okay. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to resend the link.”
“No. No. Do not.
Don’t resend it.
I didn’t want it the first time.”
It’s 8 messages back and forth to see a video of a fat guy tripping over a cat.
“Did you see it? What did you think?”
“I just sent you a link to a video of me blowing my brains out if this is what life is now.
Open that.
That’s the last link.”
Facebook
Of course Facebook,
another great trash receptacle of human time…
Which everyone loves because not only
does the name Facebook complete the final whoring out of the word “book.”
I’m sure looking at pictures of Timmy and Tammy drunk in Cabo
is the same as reading Moby-Dick.
But also because it expresses the outlook of young, dumb people, which is so beautiful.
That, “People are so great.”
And, “It’s great to connect with people.”
I am hoping that I live long enough to see these young people in their 50s.
Because when you blow out the candles on that 50th birthday cake
your first thought is going to be,
“The fewer people I have anything to do with, the better off I’m going to be.”
Connecting with people is why there are lawyers, mace and cease-and-desist orders.
Because of two people that “connected” with each other.
Twitter
And of course, Twitter.
Tweeting, of course, was originally invented by birds in trees.
“Phoo-weet Phoo-weet,”
that was the first Tweet.
It meant “sex, worms, sex, worms.”
Hashtag, #rocksmyworld
As humans we were so impressed with this form of communication we decided,
“Why should birds be the only ones
dropping an annoying series of small daily turds upon the earth?
We can do it too.”
Preferency People
I do not like to have coffee with the “Preferency People.”
Who have very strong preferences, about what they prefer.
Like whichever artificial sweetener…
“I like the Blue.”
“I need the Pink.”
“Excuse me, do you have the Yellow?”
Because there’s such a huge difference
between Powdered Aluminum Sweet and Cancer
And Great-Grandchildren Birth Defect Potassium Palmitate.
One’s got an aftertaste.
&nb
sp; I love that meltdown.
“Oh my god, there was a taste
and then there was another taste that came after that taste.
Then 20 minutes later in the car.
I burped, and there was a third taste.”
Repeat Story
I guess it’s all the tech stuff.
But don’t people seem a little hazy now all the time?
A little fuzzy.
They start talking.
Then they go,
“Was I talking to you about this?
Were you there with me…?
You were there. Was that you?
Did I know you then…?
Is this your story that you originally told to me?
So, we did talk.
I wasn’t there.
You were. I didn’t know.
We hadn’t met.
And I thought I was you.
Let’s talk again soon…”
* * *
But a lot of times people will launch into a story they have already told you.
And you go,
“Well, I guess I’m going on this ride again.”
Now you’re in your own little one-act play.
Trying to re-create all the same responses you had the first time.
Intrigued.
Surprised.
Sad.
Outraged.
Supportive.
And now you’re terrified they’re going to catch you.
“Wait, I did tell you this.
Why didn’t you stop me?”
“Because I’m focusing on my performance.”
The two of you end up just staring at each other.
Realizing, one’s a liar.
The other’s a bore.
The whole relationship’s a fraud.
Blowing Smoke
Whenever someone gives you a compliment now, for some reason they have to follow it with,
“And I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass.”
Why are we even in that area?
So, you feel good for 5 seconds
and then you have this image of asses and smoke going up…
Who did this even happen to, that we started saying it?
(walking with legs squeezed tightly together)
“That was a lovely gesture that young man made.
I certainly wasn’t expecting him to do that…”
Is This Anything? Page 17