The Shore of Women

by Pamela Sargent

  I was awake. I searched the ground next to me and knew that Birana was gone. I opened my eyes as I sat up. The sky was growing gray. Tulan might be awake, searching for me. I could tell him that I awoke early and had gone to tend Nallei.

  I stood up and stretched. The midsummer heat was fierce even this early in the day. The air was still. Only a distant, whining sound reached my ears.

  I suddenly understood what I was hearing. As the whine grew louder, I threw myself to the ground and crawled under a log. A ship was overhead. I caught a glimpse of its gleam as the orb flew over the island and on toward the camp.

  I waited but heard no cries of terror, no sound of men falling under the Lady’s deadly rays. At last I struggled to my feet and hastened to the hut.

  The fire still burned near Nallei. Birana stood in the doorway of the hut. “I was inside,” she said. “The ship didn’t see me, but Nallei…” She waved a hand at the mat.

  I bent over Nallei. Her eyes were closed, her face peaceful in sleep. I wondered if she had seen the ship. “What can it mean?” I asked.

  Birana shook her head. “I don’t know. It may have been a passenger ship on an unusual course, or a city might have sent it here. Someone may suspect…”

  “We have to leave now,” I said.

  She came to Nallei’s mat. “Farewell,” she whispered. Only the slight movement of Nallei’s chest showed that she still lived. She might welcome a ship now, I thought. At least such a death would be a quick one.

  “Farewell,” I said.

  We hurried down the trail. Voices were already reaching us from the distant camp. The men would be wondering what the ship’s appearance meant. I picked up my pace, then slowed so that Birana could catch up to me. We came to the end of the trail and stopped by the rocks.

  The boat was gone. Birana sank down onto a rock. I gazed over the lake, bewildered. “It is nothing,” I forced myself to say. “Perhaps Tulan is fetching more food. He’ll return soon.” I sat down next to her, trying not to show my fear.

  A boat came, but Tulan was not aboard. As the two men paddled toward us, I stood up to greet them.

  “Greetings, Balan,” I said to one of the men, expecting to see his quick smile. He continued to frown and said nothing to me as he stepped from the boat. “I’ll help you pull the boat ashore.”

  Balan shook his head. “You are to return to the camp with Dagelan. I’ll wait here to guard the Holy Ones. The Headman is himself again and wishes to speak to you. The portent we saw at dawn has returned his spirit to him.”

  “I shall also return to the camp,” Birana said.

  Balan’s dark hair swayed as he shook his head. “Forgive me, Holy Lady, but it is the Headman’s wish that You remain here.”

  “I want to go to the camp. Will you disobey Me?”

  Balan drew himself up. “Forgive me, Holy One, but Yerlan would have You rest here where You will be free to commune with the invisible spirits that might lift our curse from us. We have seen one holy sign today, a sight the men have seen only during the times we once traveled to Your holy enclave. We believe the Lady may break the spell and reward us for keeping You safe even during this troubled time.”

  “The Holy One will stay,” I muttered, knowing we had no choice.

  I climbed into the boat. I felt Dagelan watching me as we moved over the water, but he did not speak.

  Yerlan had left his dwelling. Dagelan led me to the garden. Yerlan was pacing over the dry, dusty ground, Tulan at his side. He faced me as I approached; he had cut the stubble from his face. He smiled, showing his teeth.

  “I have seen a portent,” he said. “Smell the air, Vilan.” He came closer to me. “Do you not smell the scent of rain to come?”

  I could smell nothing but dust and the sweat of his body. A few of the hunters gathered behind me, and I was suddenly wary of keeping my back to them. The gardeners near us set down their tools and stood by their wilted plants.

  “It was Tulan’s duty to aid me in guarding the Holy Ones,” I said. “He should have told me he was coming here.”

  Yerlan put an arm around the boy’s shoulders; Tulan’s lip curled as he watched me. “He awoke. You were not at his side. He was sure that you were tending the golden-eyed Holy Lady and thought you might have need of more herbs from the healer. He would have returned to you, but then the Lady’s holy sign appeared. In his wonderment, the boy forgot to fetch the herbs.”

  “I will take them to Her now,” I said.

  “I’ll take them. It is time I went to the island. Wirlan will come with me, and Tulan also, since he has served both me and the Lady so well. You will remain here, Vilan.”

  He turned, his arm still around Tulan, and walked toward the tree where the horses were tied. Star lifted her head and neighed softly as Wild Spirit tossed her mane. “These beasts are too weak to do much labor for us, and yet we must feed them some of what little we have.”

  “They can become food,” one of the men behind me said.

  “It is so,” Yerlan replied, “but see how thin they grow. Such meat would be hard to chew.”

  “Even such meat would be welcome now,” Dagelan muttered.

  “Indeed,” the Headman said, “but perhaps it’s not only lack of food that makes them weak. Perhaps some illness is in them that might be passed to us. And there is this to consider. A Holy One brought these beasts to us. We promised Her they would not be harmed. Can we break such a promise now that the Lady has sent us a portent?”

  “We cannot,” another man said.

  Yerlan stroked his chin thoughtfully. “We cannot harm them but must feed them while they are here. There is only one answer to this. They must be set free.”

  “No,” I shouted.

  “Do you question me?” Yerlan cried.

  “They are the Lady’s. She will say what should be done.”

  “I will say what should be done! The Lady has sent me a sign; Her power is in me now. She will speak through me to you. She would have us save what food we can until the rains come again. We cannot feed the horses, so they must be set free.”

  I lunged toward him. He knocked me to the ground with one blow. Two men grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet. “Be careful, Vilan,” the Headman muttered, “or there will have to be a contest between us.” He waved an arm. I watched helplessly as Tulan ran toward the horses, untied them, and slipped the reins from their heads.

  “Go!” Tulan cried, lashing their backs with the reins. The horses trotted away, then slowed; Flame lifted her head and looked back toward us. “Go!” Tulan ran after them, lashing at them unmercifully until they had passed through the wall. The guards on the wall whistled and threw clods of dirt at the animals until they had disappeared.

  My hope for an escape was gone. I gazed into Yerlan’s dark, angry eyes, certain now that he knew everything, that he had even learned of our plan to escape. Only one could have told him, could have overheard me tell my plans to Birana. Terror filled me as I wondered what else Tulan might have seen. I had spurned him. He had paid me back by betraying me.

  “You have questioned me,” Yerlan said as Tulan returned to his side. “You have raised your hand to me, a Headman who honored you with a place at my hearth. There is an evil inside you, Vilan.”

  I believed he would kill me at that moment. His hand reached for my neck, but his touch was light as he drew his fingers down my chest and then touched my member. “But you are also a man who brought a Holy One to us.” He stepped back. “Aklan, you will watch over the camp while I go to the Holy Ones. Let Vilan labor to dig us a new trench for our wastes and to cover the old one. It is time he learned to be more humble. Be certain that he doesn’t leave this camp.”

  He strode toward the boats with the boy as I was led away.

  BIRANA

  Nallei was sleeping, I sat with her, wanting desperately to speak to her, but knew that awakening her would only make her conscious of her pain.

  I had expected her to unburden herself before dyin
g, but she suffered silently. During the past days, she had even stifled her moans at night, as though she feared waking me. I wanted her to open her eyes one last time, to listen as I told her how much she had meant to me, and yet I also hoped that she might slip away peacefully. I did not want her to learn of the ship; I wanted her to die easily, believing I would still live.

  Balan was squatting by the hut; he stood up and pointed down the slope. Two men were climbing toward us along the trail. My hopes for escape had already faded; when I saw Yerlan walking toward me, the little hope I had left died.

  Wirlan was with him. The healer knelt by the fire and set out his pouches of roots and herbs. Yerlan watched me for a long moment, then beckoned to Balan. “Go to the boat,” he commanded. “The boy Tulan waits below. Stay there while I speak to the Holy Ones.”

  As Balan left, Yerlan sat down at Nallei’s side. His hand trembled as he smoothed back her silvery hair. His face contorted; he cried out and gathered her up in his arms. “You cannot leave me. You cannot die.”

  Nallei stirred and moaned softly as I moved toward them. “You mustn’t,” I said. “She’s in terrible pain. You must let her rest.”

  He set her down gently and lay at her side, his hand covering hers. Wirlan gave me a cup; Yerlan took it from me and guided it to her lips. The healer stood up and motioned to me. “Let us leave them for a little,” he said.

  We went into the trees; he stopped and leaned against a trunk. “Lady,” he said, “I must tell You something I think You would want to know. Yerlan has returned to himself, but he is now angry with Your messenger, Vilan. The Headman has raised his hand to Vilan and shamed him before the band, but at least he allows him to live.”

  I clasped my hands together. “Is he all right?”

  “He won’t be harmed for now, but I urge You to be cautious with the Headman.” Wirlan folded his arms. “The sight of the Lady’s ship has changed him. He speaks of our curse being lifted, of rains that will come. This morning, after we sighted the Lady’s orb, he went to the horses and freed them.” I let out a gasp. “He said he would not harm them, but that we could no longer feed them. I know they were Your creatures, but they might have given us meat. The Headman did a foolish thing for You, Holy One.” He paused. “Vilan spoke against this act and raised his hand to Yerlan. It is a wonder the Headman didn’t kill him then.”

  I tried to calm myself. “Wirlan, I’ll tell you what that ship might mean. This camp may be in danger now. Don’t ask Me how I know this, just believe Me. The men would be safer if they left, if they went far away. Someone has to tell them this. There may be little time.”

  He shook his head. “They will not listen to me.”

  “I can tell them. Take Me to the camp—they’ll listen to Me.”

  “You cannot lift this curse. This is what they will say. They see hope in the omen. They won’t abandon the land where they have lived for so long. Your power wanes, Lady. Don’t give them a reason to believe that an evil spirit might be speaking through You and that it was evil You brought with You here.”

  “Is that what you believe?”

  His lip curled. “I do not deal with spirits, only with what I can see. What I see is that You may have reason to lie in order to keep Your messenger safe from Yerlan.”

  “I’m not lying!”

  “I cannot know that, Lady.”

  I held out my hands. “Please listen to Me.”

  “I have served the Headman and the one before him for all my life. I won’t turn against him now, when our band may need him most. You would be wiser to give the Headman no reason to vent his rage upon Vilan. He is still the best of those who have learned healing from me, and I would not want to lose his skill.”

  I went back to the hut. Yerlan sprawled at Nallei’s side, stroking her hands. He lifted himself on an elbow and looked across at me. “I hear Her moans,” he said, “I feel Her pain.” Nallei’s lips moved; he bent to hear her.

  As Wirlan came near, Yerlan sat up. “Healer, I must ask you this now. What would you do for a man who suffers in this way?”

  “I can only ease the pain until death comes.”

  “And if you knew he would suffer for many days before death could claim him, what would you do then?”

  Wirlan’s face hardened. “I shouldn’t say this to you, for it is a secret of my craft. There is a potion I can give that will bring an easy death.”

  Yerlan cradled Nallei’s head in his arms. “If you could restore Her to what She was, I could bear the sight of Her pain. If you could take Her disease and pain from Her, while leaving Her as She is now, I would rejoice that She lived, and the memory of Her beauty would make Her seem beautiful to me again. But I cannot bear to see Her pain prolonged when there’s no hope.”

  “There is no hope, Headman.”

  “Then you know what you must do,” Yerlan said. Wirlan nodded. “Brew your potion and then go to Balan and the boy. I would have them go to the camp and bring those who are closest to me here. We will not speak of your potion. I won’t have them know that it is we who will free Her spirit at last.”

  Yerlan sat with her for the rest of the day. It was he who cleaned her, gave her what little she could drink, covered her with a hide when she shivered, and soothed her with whispered words. A covered jug with Wirlan’s potion stood next to him, yet he held back from giving it to her.

  He would not let me tend Nallei. Tears glistened in his dark eyes, but he did not let them fall. I thought of all the times he had entered the hut with her and of the cruel smile on his face when Nallei had ordered me away from the hut so that he could lie with her. I had not known there was any tenderness in him.

  By late afternoon, we heard the sound of voices below. Wirlan stood up, “Headman, your men approach,” the healer said. “It is time.”

  Yerlan closed his eyes for a moment, then reached for the jug, pouring the liquid into a cup. He held Nallei as she drank. I watched as he gave her another cup; he warded me off as I tried to move closer.

  The men gathered below us; Arvil was not among them, although I knew Nallei would have wanted him there. Wirlan raised his arms. “The Lady’s body weakens,” he said. “I believe Her spirit will leave us soon.”

  The men had known she might die, but a few cried out at this; Aklan covered his face as he leaned against Balan. Only Tulan, head bowed, was still. I saw Nallei whisper to Yerlan as he folded her arms over her chest.

  I could no longer restrain myself. I crawled to her side and leaned over her, ignoring Yerlan. “I’m here,” I whispered.

  “You will live, child,” she said faintly.

  “Because of you, because you helped me.”

  She closed her eyes. The men were whispering prayers. I knew she was gone when Yerlan threw himself across her body and wept.

  The men fell to the ground, hitting their heads against the earth as they covered their hair with dirt. Wirlan pulled at the Headman’s shoulders and helped him to his feet.

  “We must not weep,” Yerlan said at last. “The suffering of Her body is past, and Her spirit will live. It is the time to bury Her body and remember Her spirit. The Lady gave us a sign today. Her ship came to call this Holy One’s spirit to the Goddess. Now Her soul is free, and the evil that lies over the lake will be lifted.”

  The men began to dig a grave in the clearing. I knew that they expected some words from me, but I could not speak, knowing I would weep if I did. It was evening when Yerlan placed her body in the grave. I stood with Wirlan, keeping back my tears as Nallei was covered with earth.

  Yerlan looked from the grave to me, then held up a hand. His tears were gone; the harder look with which I was so familiar had returned to his face. “The Holy One whispered Her last words to me,” he said, “and I must now reveal them to you. She is gone, but a Holy One still lives among us. Part of Her spirit remains inside this Lady.” He moved his hand in my direction. “She told me that it is now the task of this Holy One to take up Her duties. A full moon comes ag
ain in three days. The Lady will be carried into our camp and will commune with the Prayergiver, and will grant Her blessing to me when we return here.”

  I gazed at him in horror, too shocked to protest. My legs shook; I stepped back and leaned against the wall of the hut. Yerlan was still speaking to the men. “Return to the camp, all of you. Tell the others that our sorrow is past and that the Lady will smile upon us again. Tulan will wait by my boat for me while I pray here.”

  The men filed away from the grave. Weak with sorrow and fear, I sank to the ground. Yerlan stood by the grave, head bowed.

  “You lied,” I said at last. “I know what My companion would have said. She never told you such things.”

  He lifted his head. “I waited. I wanted her to tell me that she regretted leaving this life, that she understood my longing, that she wanted me with her.” He was no longer speaking of Nallei with the formal words the men used in talking of us; I tensed. “I wanted to ease her, and all she told me was that she would be rid of me, that she wanted to die, that she was happy she was dying at last. She cared nothing for me even then.” He shook a fist. “All those times I went to her, and yet whatever pleasure I took, I could give none to her. She didn’t fight against me—even that could have roused my passion a little. She endured me and drank her wine so that she could forget.”

  “It wasn’t in Her power to care for you that way,” I said.

  “I longed for her, and she only suffered me. There were times when my power failed me and I couldn’t grow hard with her. She said the potion might have robbed me of my strength, but I rarely drank of it. I didn’t need it to long for her, to worship her. It was she who took my power from me.”

  “She hated the touch of men,” I said. “You might have been kinder, reached out to Her, been a companion who didn’t force himself on Her, but you couldn’t do that. You’d rather take what you want even from one who couldn’t bear the sight of you.” It no longer mattered what I said; he could do little more to me.