THORN (A Brikken Motorcycle Club Saga Book 4)

by Debra Kayn

  Thorn remained on the couch. She motioned him to follow her and opened the sliding door in the kitchen that had a six feet by four feet patio with a small railing around it. Leaving the door open, she whispered, "We can talk out here. Nikki knows how to come out here if she needs me and I can see her from the patio."

  He remained silent.

  "You probably have things you need to do, and I don't want to make you wait to talk with me until Nikki goes to bed," she said urging him to start.

  He looked around the barren area behind the apartments. A dozen steps out, a brick wall of the furniture store cut off any view.

  "Thorn?" she said, hurrying him along.

  "I want to keep protection around you and Nikki." He leaned against the wall of the apartment.

  "Is Ed back?"

  He shook his head. "The last time Brikken caught sight of him, he was holed up with a motorcycle club in Portland. The riders who were assigned to keep an eye on him were pulled off because Brikken had business to take care of."

  "That's why you were gone," she said.

  He nodded. "I made the decision that it was more important that you and Nikki were protected than to have our men sitting outside another club's property."

  "I'm never going to let him come back around Nikki. I'd kill him before he even gets close to her," she whispered, feeling the strength of her conviction clear through her body. "I will deal with any anger my daughter has toward my decision on why her father is no longer in her life when she's older, but she's too young, and I'm the one who will protect her. I made a terrible, unforgivable mistake letting Ed in her life."

  "You did your best, momma bear," he said in a low voice.

  She inhaled deeply. "I barely had a relationship with Ed, and I stopped being involved with him when I was pregnant with Nikki. But, I think I can still go to a lawyer and make sure he doesn't have any contact with her. It's going to take some time to save enough money, but that's what I plan to do."

  Thorn stepped to the edge of the concrete. "Why does she go to therapy?"

  She glanced through the door to check on Nikki. "Her doctor referred her to a speech-slash-emotional therapist after all the tests came back that there was nothing physically wrong with her. She could hear."

  "Has she ever talked?"

  "Up until she was three years old. One day, she was going through that stage where she asked 'why?' after everything I said, and the next day she stopped completely. Her hearing is fine, her IQ is perfect. She does great in school on paper but refuses to talk. I've tried tricking her, begging her, and promising her anything she wants if she would just say mommy." She exhaled a shuddering breath. "Now that I know what she went through every time she was with Ed, I hate my decision to let him in our—"

  "Not your fault." Thorn turned.

  "It is. I should've known. She's my daughter."

  "It takes a lot to get me pissed, Jessy, but you keep going on about this being something you had control over is getting me there, right quick." His gaze intensified. "I'll see myself out. Thanks for dinner and the talk."

  He was halfway through her house, and she remembered what she needed to do and hurried after him. "Thorn. Wait."

  She grabbed her purse off the floor and took out the envelope with the money she owed him for the tags on her car. "Bee gave me half a day off to go to the DMV last week, so here's the money I owe you."

  He frowned without taking the money from her. Feeling bold and wanting to give him a taste of the bossy way he'd treated her, she stepped forward and slipped the envelope into his vest pocket.

  Making sure he couldn't hand it back, she walked over and sat in the chair beside Nikki, over an arm's length away from Thorn. Several awkward seconds went by, and finally, Thorn left through the front door.

  She sagged against the chair. Nikki crawled up onto her lap with her Barbie, handing her a tiny doll shoe to put back on an unrealistic foot. She slipped on the red, high-heeled shoe and gave the doll back to Nikki.

  Tonight had turned out differently than she'd imagined. Her daughter finished a meal, eating like she was a rambunctious five-year-old with a fondness for mustard. Thorn wanted to continue to protect her, and after news of Ed hanging out with a different biker gang, she was glad for his help.

  She smoothed Nikki's hair back from her eyes. After becoming friends with Bee and Charlie, she was used to being around older people. Despite Thorn's age, he had her feeling more alive.

  He was hot but old enough to be her dad. She hugged Nikki to her chest. It would be foolish to rely on Thorn. He wasn't going to be around forever.

  She'd cuddle with Nikki a little bit longer, then put her to bed, and take a long bath after Nikki fell asleep. Overstressed and tired, she needed to wash away the feelings Thorn evoked in her.

  Chapter Eight

  The breeze off the creek behind the Brikken Clubhouse cooled the air in Chief and Johanna's yard. Thorn sat in the lawn chair on the deck, having a beer with his dad. He'd come over for advice, knowing he wasn't going to ask for any because he hadn't yet understood what he needed.

  In the distance, music floated over from the other side of the creek. He couldn't tell you what song played but the heavy beat matched his thoughts.

  "Jackie didn't get the managerial job at work." Chief straightened his legs and leaned back in the chair.

  His little sister worked full time at the Shilo Hotel in Tacoma while taking evening classes at the community college.

  He drank from his beer. "What's her plans now?"

  "She's going to keep doing what she's doing." Chief hooked his hands behind his head. "It's for the best."

  He looked at his dad. Suspecting Chief had a hand in Jackie not getting the job because she'd made plans that if she got the position, she'd move off Brikken land and live in an apartment in town. He kept his judgment of his dad's involvement in Jackie's business to himself. His sister had no real reason for moving out. She had plenty of time to live at home and not have the added responsibility of supporting herself at twenty years old.

  He rubbed his jaw and then finger combed his beard. Hell, Jessy had lived through more hardships and struggles than his sister had ever experienced.

  "Does Johanna ever regret devoting her life to you," he said before realizing that was the question he'd wanted to ask all evening.

  "You'd have to ask her that yourself, son." Chief remained relaxed in the chair, looking out at the clubhouse in the dark. "My opinion would be different."

  "Bullshit. You'd know."

  Chief put his hands down on his lap and tilted his head. "You expect me to say she never doubted what we had over the years and I refuse to sugarcoat what you want to hear. The truth is regrets come every day to both of us. Some are stronger than others."

  His father stole Johanna from a bad childhood when she was eight years old, had his women raise her, and then claimed her when she came of age. Not only had he made sure Johanna stayed loyal to him, but he'd also groomed her to be the one woman who loved him with all her heart.

  Right or wrong, from the outside, it worked for them.

  "Regrets are going to happen in any relationship. When you love someone, you want the best for them. Your pain at not being enough or doing the right thing for the woman you love brings more guilt than what anyone else could ever place on you," said Chief quietly.

  Could he give Jessy and Nikki enough to balance the differences that come with their age?

  Could he take Jessy and make her love him the way Chief had with Johanna?

  Jessy wasn't a child, and she'd already had her share of experiences that matured her beyond that of someone just entering adulthood and trying to figure out what they wanted in love. He swallowed painfully. He'd hoped Chief would be able to help him sort his thoughts but coming here only made it more apparent that he was on his own.

  He stood up and walked to the edge of the deck. Kenny and Cash were over watching Jessy's apartment. All he needed was more time with Jessy. The a
ttraction was there between them. She probably couldn't even recognize that she was open to him being in her life.

  But, he could show her.

  He finished his beer and walked over and dropped the bottle in the recycle bin by the door. "I'm going to take off."

  Thorn stepped off the deck when his dad called his name. He stopped and turned around.

  Chief remained sitting. "Wrap your head around knowing the next thirteen years will be hell waiting for her to grow up."

  "Thirteen...?" muttered Thorn, a step behind his dad's humor. "That's fucking bullshit, Chief."

  "Damn, that felt good." His dad chuckled. "I owed you, son."

  He walked across the yard with the sound of his dad's amusement following him. From the moment Chief had brought Johanna back to Brikken, Thorn had used every opportunity to rib him about loving a child. Those jokes later extended to Jett, who'd fallen for Sydney while she was still a minor.

  His head wasn't wrapped around Nikki, and his dad damn well knew that. He wanted Nikki's mother. Setting his interest in someone who already had a child by a different man wasn't the problem.

  Her age compared to his mattered.

  Crossing the bridge, he skipped the party going on in the clubhouse and rode his Harley out the gate. It was almost ten o'clock.

  Jessy had the weekends off, and it was Friday night. She'd still be awake, and if not, he could wake her up without fucking up her day tomorrow.

  At the apartment, Kenny and Cash stood on the sidewalk at the end of the block. Thorn rode near, shut off the engine, and let them know he had Jessy covered for the rest of the night. Not letting them ask what was going on, he revved up the motorcycle, made a U-turn, and parked behind Jessy's car.

  Jessy would need to get used to him popping into her life because he wasn't going anywhere.

  Chapter Nine

  A soft knock interrupted the silence in the apartment. Jessy listened from the couch, wondering if it was someone at her door or her neighbors. Only Ed and Bee had ever come over after Nikki was asleep and that was rare.

  "Jessy?" The deep male voice brought her off the couch.

  She tossed the blanket and hurried over to the door, peeking out of the peephole and seeing Thorn. Undoing the deadbolt, she opened the door and put her finger to her lips. "Nikki is asleep."

  He dipped his chin and stepped inside. "Were you asleep?" He gazed down her body and settled on her breasts.

  "No, just staring at the ceiling," she whispered back, relocking the front door and motioning him to follow. She crossed her arms, hoping her nightshirt was long enough and not as sheer as he made her believe. It was too hot to wear more clothes with no air conditioner. "We can go on the patio to talk, so we don't wake her."

  Outside, she closed the screen and left the sliding glass door open in case Nikki woke up. Her daughter was used to looking out the glass for her. It was the only place besides the bathroom where she had any privacy to catch her breath from being a single mom.

  She never entertained company on the small slab of concrete until Thorn came into her life because having friends while working full time and taking care of Nikki by herself left no energy in her body to give to others.

  But, she found herself excited when Thorn showed up or asked how she was doing when she dropped her daughter off at the school for childcare or left work to pick Nikki up. She thought about him all day long and tried to figure out what she'd tell him if he asked how she was doing, wanting to tell him something more interesting than she was doing fine.

  She wasn't fine.

  The anger since finding out about Ed's abuse toward Nikki grew inside of her more each day. The only thing that helped the tension at night or her short temper with the customers during the day was knowing Thorn sat outside on his motorcycle, protecting her.

  In her mind, she believed if she let all her anger out, he'd stop her from killing Ed. She never knew she could hate someone so much in her life.

  "What's going on?" she asked, hitching her crossed arms higher.

  "Nothing." He leaned against the apartment wall. "I was thinking about you. Thought I'd knock and see if you were still awake."

  "Knocking would wake me up if I was sleeping." She shivered in the shadow of the awning.

  "Okay, I wanted to see you." He paused. "Does that bother you?"

  "Should it?" The seriousness of having him here was missing. It was almost like he was teasing her or trying to tell her something she wasn't understanding.

  "You're young," he said.

  She laughed softly. "I used to believe that."

  "What makes you think you're not?"

  "I had a child. I work, pay taxes, pay my rent, and I'm responsible not only for myself but Nikki." She shrugged off the things that forced her to grow up. "I'm not complaining. I wouldn't change my life. It's just that the days when I felt young happened a long time ago."

  Thorn slipped his hands into his jean pockets. "I don't think age has anything to do with wanting more in life. There has to be something you'd change."

  She stepped over and leaned against the wall beside him. "Okay, then what would you change in your life...you know, in your old age?"

  He grunted. She grinned into the night, pleased that she could hold a conversation with him. It was easier and less awkward to be around him in the dark. And, safer.

  Out here, at the late hour, he couldn't read the thoughts going through her head.

  "I want someone in my life who I trust and will love me," he said quietly. "I'd like a couple kids. A home."

  "You don't have a house?" she asked, choosing not to comment on his personal life.

  "Home is a room at the Brikken clubhouse." He leaned toward her and nudged her arm. "My life centers around the club. It's easier to be close, but there's more to life than the MC."

  "How long have you been a member?"

  "My whole life." He sighed. "Rollo, my grandfather, built Brikken from nothing. He was killed when I was a kid and then Chief took over the club."

  "Chief's your father, right?" she asked.

  "Yeah." He glanced at her. "Jett, my oldest brother, stepped into the president's role when my dad wanted to concentrate on his family."

  "He had two daughters by the woman who came after your mom," she said, remembering him speaking of his family dynamics.

  "Well, she was more of a girl than a woman." He half turned, still leaning against the wall, but facing her now. "You've been paying attention."

  "You have an interesting family." She pulled at the front of her nightshirt, having forgotten that she was naked underneath while they'd talked. "A little complicated, too."

  "That's the truth." He turned his head, looking into the apartment. "Nikki okay today?"

  "Without her talking and vocalizing her fears and worries, the therapist suggested that I remind her daily, or several times a day if it looks like she's worried, that I won't allow Ed to have her for weekend visits. I wasn't sure about taking the blame." She closed her lips and shook her head. "I didn't want her to blame me when she's older because I was the one who kept her from her father—if that ever happens. But, her doctor assured me that Nikki needs to know I'm the one in control of her life and follow through."

  "Makes sense." He tilted his head when she never responded. "You don't think so?"

  "I don't know. It feels a lot like her therapist thinks it's my fault or I allowed Ed to neglect Nikki." She turned her body until they were face to face, leaning against the wall, copying his position. "I want you to know that if I had known, I never ever would've let Nikki go with him."

  "I believe you."

  "I'm serious. Sometimes, like tonight, the guilt of not protecting her eats me up." She lowered her voice. "You, of all people, have a right to hate me because you're the one who found her and realized how long she had to fend for herself while Ed was partying and pretending he didn't have a daughter. I don't want you to think—"

  He cupped her face with his hands. "You need to
shut it down because I'm going to kiss you."

  "You're going to—?"

  His mouth landed on hers. Taken off guard, it wasn't a turn-on to feel the roughness of his beard or sensual to have his possessive lips take hold of her that had her leaning against him and clutching the front of his vest.

  He tilted her face, deepening the kiss.

  She took the kiss for what it was. An attempt to make her stop blaming herself and she wanted that burning guilt to leave. She needed all her energy to focus on her daughter.

  It was all her fault.

  The tantalizing slide of his tongue between her lips. The soft moan came from deep inside her, pushing her toward Thorn.

  She should've known something was wrong.

  Four years of suffering, all because she wanted to give Nikki a semi-traditional family. There was no way she could reverse the damage that was done.

  Her little girl had lost her words. She'd lost her security.

  Jessy pulled back on a sob and covered her mouth, staring up in the dark at Thorn. "Oh, my God," she said behind her fingers.

  "Hey...now." Thorn dropped his hands from her.

  "I am so sorry." She rotated her wrist and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. "I should never have done that."

  "Kissed me back?" The warmth in Thorn's gaze disappeared.

  "I'm trying to prove to you that I'm doing everything possible to help Nikki." She turned away from him and rubbed her hands over her face. "I can't believe I did that."

  "I kissed you."

  "I kissed you back," she whispered. "I think you should go. I'm tired, and Nikki gets up early. I-I promised her I'd take her to the park and she could go on the swings. She likes that."

  "Jessy—"

  "Don't." She swallowed hard. "I shouldn't have touched you."

  "I was the one who kissed you," he said.

  She looked over her shoulder at him. "You shouldn't have done that either."

  "Give me a good reason why not."

  "Because you're old enough to be my father and it's wrong." She straightened her shoulders and opened the screen door. "I appreciate everything you're doing for us but don't take advantage of me because I owe you for finding Nikki. You shouldn't have kissed me, and I-I lost myself for a few minutes. I'm sorry."