by Box Set
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to take you to the airport this morning.” Nate had missed his last opportunity to look her in the eyes and explain himself. And for what? To anger-drink himself stupid?
“Ellie took me.”
“Yeah? You two…?”
“We talked. We’re good, I guess.”
“But we aren’t?”
“I don’t know what we are, Nate. I think…I think we made a lot of rash decisions and didn’t consider the reality. We didn’t think things through, and we should have. We aren’t the same people we used to be, and we lost sight of that.”
“I didn’t—I meant everything I said, Cara.”
“You think you did.”
“I did.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me the whole truth?”
“Because I thought… I thought if I told you how fucked up I am, you’d check out.”
“But I didn’t, and you still thought it was okay to lie to me, to let me be friends with Ellie. I mean, I sort of get it, but I’m not… I don’t know. I’m not okay. Things are not all right. I’m hurt, and I need time to think about everything.”
Nate felt like he was talking to a different person. This didn’t sound like his Cara, and yet it was.
“Where does this leave us?” Nate asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you…are we still…?”
“I really don’t have an answer for that. Look, Mom needs me. I’ve got to go.”
Cara hung up on him without so much as a talk to you later.
This was his fault, and he wasn’t sure if he could fix it.
Chapter Fifteen
Cara kept her eyes on the screen and not watching the clock. An hour of overtime each day wasn’t a high price to pay to smooth things over at work. At least, until she factored in her coworkers.
“What the hell are you wearing, Logan?” The guy from two cubicles over dropped two reports into her desk tray.
“Clothes.” Cara couldn’t keep him and the other two guys from the end of the row straight. They were each a year or two younger than her, brown hair and never called people by their given names. Always last names.
“That’s a little generous. It looks like you went shopping in your grandmother’s attic.”
“Do you have something pertaining to work you need to discuss?” Cara pulled her hands off the keyboard and twisted to stare up at the man. She was not in the mood to play nice or let people push her around. Not after this last week.
Oh.
It was him.
Right before Christmas, he’d handed out cupcakes, only the frosting was shaving cream.
Cara hadn’t known.
“Chill, pigtails. Just talking.”
She pressed her lips together and stared up at him. Over the years, she’d met plenty of people like him. Pack mentality. Laugh to cover up some trauma. He wasn’t the slick, cool guy he pretended to be. Under all of that, was another person, one like her. Still struggling with himself. Only, unlike him, Cara didn’t attempt to be anything other than what she was.
Usually, she’d make nice, say some inane, silly comment, then toss in a socially acceptable joke. Typically, at her own expense. But why should she? She wasn’t there to be laughed at. Cara was doing a job, which she was good at.
It was like she’d finally leveled up. She’d finally gotten it. That lesson she’d struggled with for so long.
Cara had to think about herself first. Cara had to look out for Cara, because no one else was going to. That was what California had taught her.
“Do you want something?” She folded her hands in her lap.
“Now that you mention it, I’ve got a backlog I need some help with.”
“Then I suggest spending less time on your phone or flirting in the break room. Anything else?”
“Yeah, this pile of shit I have to do is your fault. I want you to deal with it.”
“Highly unlikely. There are twelve of us, we are each allocated two weeks of vacation a year and restricted to taking a week at a time. If I remember correctly, company policy is to divide up work between people directly involved with the accounts we handle. You and I don’t share any accounts, therefore your backlog of work cannot be my fault. I’m guessing cutting out early during the holidays and trying to flirt with the red head from across the hall has put your behind. Not that you’ve asked my advice, but again, I’ll repeat myself. Turn your phone off. Spend less time in the break room.”
Cara’s speakers chimed, signaling her OT was done.
She turned toward her computer and saved her work, all while her audience stared at her.
Her hands shook and her throat closed up.
She didn’t say the things in her head as often as she wanted to. This wasn’t like her. The old her. The pre-California her. But maybe it should be. If she’d learned anything during her week away, it was that Nate, Ellie and the rest hadn’t gotten where they were by spinning their wheels and waiting for help. Cara had allowed herself to get in this rut, and instead of trying to engineer a way out she’d put her head down and spun harder.
It was time to take control of her destiny, so to speak.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
She glanced up at the guy from two cubicles over.
Oopsie, she’d already forgotten he was there. Curious, since usually someone looming over her like he did made her anxious. Too many bad memories of guys like him being bullies.
Cara considered the question.
What had happened to her?
She’d admitted she was in love with Nate.
She’d surrounded herself with amazing, intelligent and creative people.
She’d gotten a firsthand view of what life could be like.
She’d leveled up in life. Now, she just had to allocate her new level bonuses and she knew where that first one was going.
Cara scooped up her tote and stood.
“I found my backbone.” She stared up at the guy and smiled.
This must be what it felt like to be Ellie. She took no shit from anyone and didn’t make apologies. Cara could see why the guys liked her. Hell, Cara wanted to be more like her.
By the time she grabbed her coat, her visitor was gone.
Cara didn’t wait around. She headed out to her car and cranked up the heater.
She hadn’t been kidding about the suggestion to turn off the phone. She pulled hers out, took a deep breath and powered it back on. After a full day at work spent cringing every time she received a message or waiting for one, she’d taken to leaving it off. Nothing productive happened when she was trapped in that cycle, and if she were staying here—which it seemed like the smarter choice now—she needed this job.
Numerous messages waited for her.
A handful from Nate.
A couple from Bryan and Josh.
She clicked the conversation with Ellie and skimmed her messages.
Normal stuff. Random. Comforting.
It was strange to think that Ellie was jealous of Cara. She of the awkwardness and zero social skills.
Cara fired off a reply, then shoved her phone deep into her tote for the drive home. Thanks to working late, traffic wasn’t as bad and she made it to the house in near record time. Mom’s car was gone, but Denis’ was in the garage
Cara parked at the curb, out of the way, and sprinted inside. She’d become a warm weather creature in a week. It was hard to get used to even a couple inches of snow on the ground.
Her step-father was in the kitchen, doing the hand-wash dishes at the sink.
“Hey. How was work?” Denis smiled at her.
“Good.” She shrugged and unpacked her lunch bag.
“You got a minute?” Denis dried his hands and turned toward her.
“Uh, yeah.” Cara braced herself, stomach knotting up
“Would you…give your mom a few minutes tonight?”
“Sure?”
“I know things have been rocky, especia
lly since you moved back in, but we spent a lot of time talking while you were gone and I think your Mom has some things she’d like to say to you. If you’d give her a chance, I think you’d like what she has to say.”
Cara swallowed and nodded. Conversations with Mom weren’t exactly enjoyable experiences. She couldn’t remember the last one she’d walked away from without the urge to cry. Cara had more or less avoided time with her mother since coming back, because she knew what Mom would say, even if she tried to phrase it better.
She was a disappointment.
She’d been stupid.
She was going nowhere.
Cara didn’t need help digging her hole any deeper. She was well aware that she’d trusted Nate too much, that she should have thought through things more. Nothing was simple or uncomplicated. Especially love. And Nate…he’d kept secrets.
The utility room door opened, blasting them with more cold air.
“Honey, I’m home.” Mom stepped through, cheeks rosy and a smile on her face. Her gaze landed on Cara immediately “Hey, Cara.”
“Hey.”
Cara scooped up her tote and fled down the hall to her bedroom.
She needed a moment. To prepare. To strap on her armor, though these days it was pretty thin. California had been great and horrible for her.
The whispered voices from the kitchen twisted her anxiety tighter.
Cara squeezed her eyes shut.
In hindsight, yeah, maybe she should have used that money she spent on the trip for an apartment. Then she wouldn’t be vulnerable to moments like these.
“Cara? Honey?”
Cara blew out the breath she’d been holding and shrugged out of her coat.
“Hey, Mom. Have a good day?” She hung the coat on the back of her computer chair and turned to face her mother.
Only, instead of the Inquisitor, angry mask she normally wore when seeking out Cara, Mom’s face was softer, lines of…was that concern?
Mom took a few steps into the room, glancing at the row of pictures now laying face down on the shelf. Cara should have put them away, in the closet, something. This display invited conversation, questions, and she wasn’t ready to have that with her mother.
“Sit.” Mom gestured at the twin bed and perched on the edge
Cara turned her desk chair around and slid her hands between her thighs.
“Denis said you talked?” Mom stared at the floor.
“I guess.”
“I was wrong to be angry with you for going to California. I just…”
“It’s okay, Mom.”
“No, it’s not. Denis was right. I’m the problem. I just…I see so much of your father in you and it scares me. I worry. And…I don’t express it well.”
Cara stared at her mother. Much of what she’d said, Cara had guessed at. She’d always known it wasn’t necessarily Cara herself that was the issue, but a lifetime of not seeing the truth. Was Mom wrong, though? Was Cara more like Mom? Nate had blindsided her in a way she’d never seen coming but it was Cara who chose to leap first.
“I want you to know that…I’m happy you did something for yourself. You paid for it all on your own, on top of everything else. I’m really proud of you, and I don’t say that enough. You’ve always done what needed to be done and never complained. Not when you had to come home, not when you had to get two jobs. I’m the one who can’t let go of the past, and…it’s ruining us, isn’t it? I don’t want that, Cara. You’re my only child. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Mom.”
Cara moved from the chair to the bed and wrapped an arm around her mother’s waist. Mom hugged Cara, and they both ignored her tears. They were good at the ignoring stuff, not so much the talking about it. Or the hugging, these days. The part of Cara that had never stopped being a little girl wept inside of her. She’d missed this, actually talking to her Mom
“How was your trip? How’s Nate?” Mom stroked Cara’s back.
“Can we not talk about it?” Cara squeezed her eyes shut.
“What happened?” Mom frowned at her.
Cara bit her lip.
This was the moment of truth. Did she tell her mom everything? Did she trust that Mom meant they were going to be different?
If anyone would understand Cara’s situation, it would be Mom.
Nate paced his apartment, one eye on the timer.
Cara had said they could talk today.
They hadn’t texted or emailed in over twenty-four hours. Longer since he’d heard her voice.
It was weird.
Wrong.
He couldn’t take this. He needed Cara.
He couldn’t work. He couldn’t focus. Half his friends weren’t speaking to him. The other half, he didn’t want to speak to. Everything was shit since Cara left. And it was his fault. It was easier to be angry, to blame others, but the truth was he knew where the blame would come home to roost.
His phone rang. He practically tripped over his feet getting to the kitchen island, only it wasn’t Cara’s lop-sided grin and crooked glasses staring back at him.
It was Ellie.
The second person on his Do Not Want To Speak To list.
How was it Cara wouldn’t talk to him, but she’d talk to Ellie? Cara hadn’t known Ellie until a week ago. How did she rate higher than Nate, who’d known her for most of their lives?
Still, Cara was talking to Ellie, which meant he needed to be talking to Ellie, too.
Nate jabbed the green button.
“What?” He wasn’t in the mood to play nice or be Ellie’s shoulder.
“Okay, then. Hello to you, too.”
“Hi, Ellie.”
“First, I have the production schedule from Josh and there’s a few things I need to go over with you so we have all our bases covered. Second, how are you?”
“Shitty. So Josh isn’t talking to me now, either?”
“He had some family stuff come up.”
“Is Ruth okay?” Nate gripped the counter, his stomach clenching. He couldn’t take any more bad news.
“I don’t think it has to do with his sister. He didn’t say much, and he didn’t sound worried, just busy.”
Nate grunted and turned toward his laptop. They were all still friends, and Josh’s family had treated Nate like one of their own. He’d have to check up on them.
“Now—how are you? Really?” Ellie asked.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s a woman ‘fine’ if I ever heard one.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ellie.”
“Okay. Fine. I get it. If you don’t want to talk about this with me, talk to Samir or someone else. Talked to Cara?”
“I’m supposed to, tonight.”
“Then a friendly suggestion? Call Samir’s ass right now and talk to him. Or yell at me.”
“Why the fuck do you care?”
“Because Cara’s had a rollercoaster kind of day.”
“How the fuck do you know?”
“We texted.”
Nate shook his head. This was a special kind of fucked up.
“You still there?” Ellie asked.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Why are you pissed at me? Because I took her to the airport? Because I’m talking to Cara and you aren’t?”
“Yeah. That’s exactly it. Cara’s pissed at me because of you, but she’ll talk to you all day long.”
“Do you hear yourself? I mean, have you really listened? Because that’s pathetic reasoning and you know it. Pull your head out of your ass, Nate, and take some ownership here.”
“I know I’m to blame, Ellie. You think I don’t know that? Why couldn’t you have left us alone? Just for a few days?”
“You think this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been friendly to your girlfriend?”
“I’d have had time to talk to her.”
“Dude, I hate to break it to you, but this was going to happen. You chose, of your own free will, to not
tell her about you or I. I am as much to blame as you are, but you don’t see me pointing fingers at you, do you?”
“No.”
“Okay. Good. Then why’s Cara not talking to you? The real reason?”
“You’re the one that’s talking to her. What the hell is it?”
“You’re the Cara expert. You tell me. I’ve known her for all of a week and I totally get why she’s hurt.”
“What the fuck do you know?” Nate paced his apartment, hand curled into a fist.
“Oh my God, I’m going to have to spell it out for you, aren’t I?”
Nate grit his teeth together.
“Why did Cara’s dad leave?” Ellie asked.
Nate stopped in front of the windows and stared out at the sunset.
“Because…he’d dug them all into a financial hole with his gambling addiction.” Nate rolled that knowledge around. Why would that have anything to do with him and Cara?
“Cara’s dad kept a fucking huge secret from her and her mom. We kept a huge secret from her. You know, I used to be so jealous of her I pretty much hated her? Now…I fucking get it, Nate.”
“I was going to tell her if I’d just been given time.” Eventually. Nate would have done it at some point.
“Yeah, well, that’s not how it happened, and it’s not even the point. The instant you decided to put off telling her set the groundwork for this to happen. All I’m saying is, I get it. Think about it, okay?”
The timer went off.
“Yeah.” Nate jabbed at the button and hung up on Ellie.
He wasn’t anything like Cara’s father. He hadn’t done anything to Cara. He’d just…
Damn it.
Ellie was right.
Nate kept staring out at the sunset, mulling that comparison over.
Cara’s dad had been pretty damn awesome. Always full of laughter and fun. Nate and the guys used to love going over there to listen to him. As an adult, Nate could see how he used humor to hide his problems.
Nate would apologize. Again. Like he had every damn time Cara had allowed him to breathe in her direction.
Five days since he’d seen her last. Since the parking lot. Two days since they’d spoken for a couple minutes while she was eating lunch.
Nate wanted Cara back. The easy friendship. The freedom to love her. Things had been going right for them both. And then it all went to shit.