How to Get Famous

by Pete Johnson

  Afterwards I wondered about my advice. I hadn't really thought what I was saying (just for a change). I merely babbled what popped into my head.

  FRIDAY APRIL 9TH

  Georgia called. 'Well, I followed your advice tonight.'

  'And what happened?' I asked very anxiously.

  'Oh Tobey, I flew for the very first time. And Giles said he always knew I had it in me and that I was "fabulous" tonight.'

  I was thrilled, of course – but every time she and I spoke I could also hear this other voice whispering away in my head: thin and bitter and so resentful that Georgia was in The Secret Garden and I wasn't. It only ever makes me feel bad. But somehow I can't switch it off.

  I'm certain Georgia doesn't suspect a thing, though. In fact, tonight, she thanked me over and over for my brilliant advice.

  It's the dress rehearsal tomorrow and I'm invited.

  SATURDAY APRIL 10TH

  This afternoon I arrived at the theatre with Georgia and her mum. You couldn't miss the huge poster outside. I was glad Georgia had top billing and there was a great photo of her too, looking all deep and thoughtful.

  'Soon,' I said, 'I shall have to get down on my knees just to talk to you, oh great actress.'

  'I so wish it was you on that poster with me,' said Georgia softly. Then she shot off to get ready.

  Inside the theatre all the family and friends took up the first two rows. I could smell paint and Georgia's mum was wearing her knock-out perfume again.

  Then a light bobbed about on stage and you heard this voice say, 'I am Mary Lennox.' Georgia's mum gave this excited little gasp which was kind of cute really and then Georgia was off.

  Now Mary's a real grotbag at the start. And Georgia carried this off superbly. She had such a poisonous expression on her face as well. I mean, it shocked me. I thought, this isn't my mate. But of course she was doing proper acting here. And then you could see Mary change. It was dead clever how Georgia did this too. It wasn't just, hey ho, I'm all nice now. No, it was much more subtle than that. And even at the end she still showed flashes of her old miserableness.

  The boy who played Dickon was pretty good too, especially when he played the flute. But the whole play was spoiled for me by the actor who was Colin.

  A terrible thing happened there.

  He was brilliant.

  It was a ghastly shock.

  Not once had Georgia hinted how superb he was. I mean, he spent most of the play just lying in bed acting bonkers. But you were still hooked by him. And when he tottered about in the garden at the end, people were sniffing and blowing into their hankies. It ruined the whole play for me, actually. You see, I knew I'd never have been as good as him.

  It was like a boy who played footie for his school, suddenly watching a Premier League player. That was the difference. He was so obnoxious too. Well, he had been on the day of the competition, swaggering about. Yet inside him was all this talent. It wasn't fair.

  In the car on the way back, after telling Georgia how sensational she was, I asked about him.

  'Yeah, I suppose he's improved a bit,' she said lightly. She was obviously still trying to spare my feelings – which somehow made me feel even worse.

  WEDNESDAY APRIL 14TH

  Georgia says that Alicia's invited tons of her media buddies to see The Secret Garden.

  'You're going to be discovered for sure,' I said. I had a horrible feeling the boy playing Colin would too.

  'I will tell them about you as well,' said Georgia. 'I promise on my life.'

  'I know you will, just don't say I'm an actor, because I really don't think acting's my speciality. Tell them I'm more of a personality, who'd make a fantastic presenter.'

  THURSDAY APRIL 15TH

  Just had a chance for a very quick chat with Georgia after her final rehearsal. She said, 'When I was playing Mary tonight, such a bizarre thing happened. I forgot everything.'

  'Now that is a problem,' I began.

  'Oh no, I didn't forget my words – I just forgot about all the stuff that's going on at school and everything else. It was as if I wasn't there any more. I'd turned into Mary Lennox.'

  'Wow, that is impressive,' I murmured, thinking how Georgia's becoming this incredibly talented actress, while I'm nowhere at all. I had a great rush of jealousy then: it shot right through me, making my heart pound furiously. And after Georgia had rung off I slumped down on my bed as if someone had let all my air out.

  And soon that nasty, whispery voice started up in my ear again. 'Georgia's leaving you far, far behind now. Soon you'll just be this mad loser she used to hang about with.'

  Then I so wanted to let out this huge roar of frustration. But I didn't because Georgia rang me again. She was suddenly feeling very scared and very nervous about tomorrow night and needed some support. Well, I didn't let a trace of bitterness creep into my voice as I cried, 'Georgia, tomorrow night will be the greatest one of your entire life. So just enjoy the moment when you touch life's final frontier – fame.'

  Chapter Eleven

  FRIDAY APRIL 16TH

  6.25 p.m.

  Warm greetings to all my fans (I know you're out there somewhere) and anyone else who's reading this. I am writing to you tonight live from the theatre where my great pal, Georgia, is about to be discovered and yanked from a life of obscurity to one of fame and fortune.

  And I've refused to listen to any more of my petty jealous thoughts, and I'm just going to enjoy this night. The atmosphere is electric already. The ticket prices are pretty hot too. One ticket had, of course, been reserved for me. But I still had to pay the minimum price – seven pounds. Some people were actually showing off a bit and handing over much more than that. I even saw a few twenty-pound notes flying about.

  Now I've been mingling with the thronging crowds, trying to smell out media people. I reckon the theatre is teeming with them already. I even smiled in a shamelessly dazzling way at a few of them, hoping they might instantly spot my rampant star quality.

  Instead they backed hastily away from me, one or two even looking distinctly alarmed. The fools will be kicking themselves one day; there was one woman wearing acres of make-up and prancing about in an 'I'm so important' sort of way. So I beamed winningly at her. 'Excuse me,' I said, 'I'm sensing that . . . ' But I didn't want to blurt out 'you're in the media' too obviously. I wanted to be more subtle. So instead I said, 'I'm sensing that you know your way around.'

  She blinked at me in utter astonishment.

  'I mean,' I went on desperately, 'that you know the ropes.' Then, as she still looked blank, I said: 'You are in the media, aren't you?' At this she burst into peals of laughter and went off shaking her head. Then she started talking to this man in a pin-striped suit and pointing at me, while laughing again.

  I stumbled off, somewhat embarrassed and bumped into Enid Kay. You remember her, don't you? She's the little old lady who told me all about this play, the day I fell off my bike. Well, she twinkled away at me and then said, 'But I'm disappointed you're not up on that stage tonight.'

  'I know, but I'm just too magnetic, you see. The moment I pop up there I just wipe out everyone else.'

  'Ah yes, I can see that.' She laughed.

  'But when I do make my debut on stage I'll send you free tickets – for the front row as well.'

  'And don't you dare forget,' she said.

  I saw Georgia's mum bobbing about too. Her eyes looked big and hungry. She's definitely got the scent of fame in her nostrils tonight.

  Then I gave Georgia a quick call. 'So how's life in the star dressing room then?'

  'Oh, Tobey, I've just had a coughing fit. Wouldn't it be awful if I went out on stage tonight and gave this great, hacking cough?'

  'People will only think it's part of the role and applaud you all the more. Now remember what you've got to say just before you go on stage.'

  'The time for worrying is over, now I'm just going to – fly.'

  I've promised to ring her during the interval and let her know ho
w she's doing.

  8.05 p.m.

  The interval.

  And I've called Georgia already, I said: 'You were quality on that stage.'

  'You don't think I rushed my first lines?'

  'No way: and you should see your mum. I wouldn't be very surprised if she just exploded with pride soon. Just make sure you're as good in the second half. But I know you will because I've seen you do it already. So you've got absolutely nothing to worry about . . . just enjoy. Bye.'

  Immediately after making that call I hurried through the crowds of people queuing for choc ices and burst out of the theatre. I found this secluded spot round by the back and then proceeded to emit large volumes of vomit. It's glistening up at me now.

  Sorry if I've shocked you. I'm pretty surprised as well. I mean, I went into the theatre my usual hearty self and now . . . now, well I'm obviously sick with jealousy at having to watch a boy being so awesomely superb in my part. And the grisly horror of it all must have somehow inflamed my stomach.

  Then I stood there gasping in the way you do after you've just been sick and wondering if anything else was going to tumble out of my mouth. Nothing else did. But I still felt churned up. And then I felt ashamed of feeling so ill and miserable on the occasion of Georgia's great triumph. I had no idea I was so selfish.

  If only that boy playing Colin hadn't been quite so mega-brilliant, even better in fact than he was at the dress rehearsal. But I don't want to use up any more paper on him. I suppose I ought to go and support Georgia again now. And I will.

  I just don't want to return and start exploding vomit over everyone.

  So give me another minute or two. OK?

  9.55 p.m.

  Something's happened.

  I was pacing around the back of the theatre, just about to go back when I heard . . .

  'Help.'

  It wasn't very loud, a bit muffled in fact. But it was coming from a door right in front of me. I wondered if someone had got locked in there. That's all I thought. Then I tried the door, never really expecting it to open. But it did.

  I blundered in, sending this guy who must have been standing right behind it spinning off balance. And I noticed two things about this guy as he went flying towards the wall. One, that he was wearing a balaclava: the other, that he had a gun which sprang out of his hand.

  It was a dark room, with just a desk light giving off a pretty miserable glow. Dimly I could see a woman lying tied up on the ground. And there was another person also in a balaclava, swinging towards me and that gun – which had jumped right across the room. He very nearly grabbed the gun too. Only I got to it first.

  And no, I didn't do it to be brave. It happened far too quickly for that. It was like someone throwing a ball in your direction and you catching it. You do it in a flash without thinking, don't you?

  And then I thought, this can't be real. It can't. This isn't a genuine robbery. No, I've crashed into some sort of improvisation exercise. They're always having them here, aren't they? But this looks a really tough one – things you have to go through to be an actor today. Well, just to show how versatile I am I shall snap right into my part and show I can do 'split-second' acting too.

  So I stood there waving the gun about and saying: 'Right, on the floor,' to the two men in the balaclavas. And they did what I said . . . well, of course, one of them had already been knocked onto the ground, so he just stayed where he was.

  That gun was sliding about in my hand like a slippery fish, while pure shock was tingling away in every nerve of my body. And I was waiting for someone to say, 'Wonderful improvisation, everyone. Well done.' But no one did.

  So instead I went over to the woman who was also lying on the floor. It was getting quite crowded down there actually, as it was a very small room – and I helped her scramble up and tried untying her arms. This took me longer than it should have done as I'm not very good at undoing knots. And suddenly, one of the men got up.

  'Move one more step and I'll fire this for certain!' I shouted (I suppose screamed might have been a more accurate description).

  Without a doubt, the best bit of acting I've ever done. That guy immediately slumped back again and both of them became motionless. In fact, the whole room was now very still. I carried on untying the woman, while also shaking the gun about in a wild and probably highly worrying way. And after the woman was free, she struggled to her feet. Then, eyes half-shut, she took some deep breaths before gasping, 'It's all right. I'll take the gun now.'

  Rather anxiously, because she looked as if she was about to fall over, I handed her the gun. She didn't say a word at first, just stood there holding the gun in one hand and rubbing her head with the other. Then all of a sudden her voice ripped through the room. 'Take off your balaclavas . . . ' Then she screeched, 'Now!' The two guys obeyed instantly. And they were just lads – no more than about sixteen, I'd say.

  She then took the bag of money they'd stolen and actually handed it to me for a moment. 'Nearly two thousand pounds in there,' she muttered. I thought of saying, to cheer things up a bit, 'Well, thanks for the tip, I'll be off now,' but decided against it. There are some moments which you just can't cheer up. And this was definitely one of them.

  So then I put the money on the table and she said, suddenly and eerily calm, 'Go and get help now. Sid should be close by somewhere.' That's when it finally hit me with huge force that this wasn't some wild improvisation exercise, it was REAL.

  As I was leaving, the woman was asking the boys where they'd got their gun from and they really didn't want to tell her. But they'd already morphed from being highly menacing to sulky and frightened schoolboys.

  I sped off and found Sid fairly quickly. Would you believe? he was Moth-man from the first day of the auditions. He can move fast though, I'll give him that. When I told him what had happened he sprinted off while talking into his mobile.

  He took the gun from the woman whose name I found out is Bea. Then some other people turned up and Bea and I went into this staffroom, where she made us both a cup of tea. She told me what had happened to her.

  She'd just finished cashing up all the takings and sorting out the tickets for tomorrow's performance when these two guys in balaclavas had burst in. They grabbed the money and told her to get down on the floor. Bea called out 'Help!' once, before getting coshed on the head.

  Then I explained that I'd been hanging about outside because I felt a bit sick.

  'You were very brave coming to my rescue,' she said. I wasn't really, though, because most of the time I thought it was some crazy acting stunt – but I didn't argue with her. She went on to say I was her guardian angel, which I rather liked.

  Then the police turned up to take statements and there was this other guy there too with very piercing alert eyes. He chatted to me for ages.

  Suddenly I heard all these people traipsing out of the theatre. The Secret Garden was over. I'd sort of forgotten it was on – there'd been so much going on here. The police had finished with me then, so I rushed round to the dressing rooms.

  Georgia and her mum were being congratulated by everyone. Alicia Kay danced in and gave Georgia this massive hug. And I just stood there watching all this, kind of dazed and bewildered.

  Then Georgia and her mum asked me, almost in unison where I'd gone. 'You missed the whole of the second half,' said Georgia's mum in shocked tones. Then I told them how ill I'd been. And Georgia said that I didn't look very well now and then gently added that I had a little piece of vomit nestling on my chin.

  So all the time I'd been waving that gun about I'd had sick gleaming about my person. Some hero I am. But why didn't anyone tell me? And I don't mean the two robbers. But surely Bea could have let me know.

  Anyway, I didn't tell Georgia about my bit of action. It just didn't seem fair on her night of her triumph. Especially as she was babbling about this girl in Year Nine at her school who'd come up to congratulate her afterwards. And anyway, I felt a bit shaky. In the car on the way back I even began to s
hiver.

  'Poor boy, you're really not at all well, are you?' said Georgia.

  But actually, I was thinking about the robbers and me holding that gun. I can be a bit slow sometimes. And it was only now I fully realized what had happened tonight.

  When I got home I didn't tell my parents anything about it either. I decided that tonight's events were just a moment of sheer cosmic weirdness. And they didn't belong anywhere in my life.

  Chapter Twelve

  SATURDAY APRIL 17TH

  Woke up feeling distinctly shivery and then Mum blew in. Normally I go into town with her and Dad on Saturday morning, but I asked to be excused this weekly torture today.

  Mum was about to screech, 'Absolutely not,' and throw me out of bed. But something about my appearance must have made her stop. She actually placed a hand on my forehead. A concerned look flickered across her face.

  Then I had the bizarre experience of my mum being nice to me as she fussed around, bringing me a hot drink and a piece of toast.

  'The best thing you can do is keep warm,' she said. 'And don't get too excited.'

  Well, absolutely no chance of that happening here.

  I heard her murmuring to Dad that she thought I was sickening for one of those bugs that are going round. Then they told me to stay in bed and not answer the door – while they left for town.

  'We won't be long,' said Mum.

  'Oh, don't hurry,' I replied, with total sincerity.

  About two minutes after they'd gone, the doorbell rang. I thought, I shan't answer that. But then it rang twice more, as if it was something urgent. So I hastily threw some clothes over my rather grim pyjamas and tore downstairs as fast as my shaky legs would take me.

  I opened the door to see the guy I'd been talking to last night – the one with the very alert eyes – and a woman. He introduced himself as Fred from the local paper. 'So you're a reporter? I never suspected that.'

  'Oh sorry, I thought I'd mentioned it to you yesterday. Eunice' – he nodded at the lady with him – 'and me were wondering if we could have another little chat with you.'