by V. F. Mason
I walk farther into the classically designed apartment where black and white dominate the color scheme that reeks of coldness and order.
The living room has an L-shaped leather couch along with two chairs and a small table that has a laptop on it. A fluffy black rug is placed in front of the gleaming lit fireplace, creating the perfect place to lounge after a difficult day.
The panoramic view opens to the nightlife of Chicago, letting us all admire the magnificence of our hometown from skyscrapers to the sidewalks filled with curious people ready to discover all the hidden treasures.
Countless museums, artistic places, whatever your heart desires—Chicago will give it to you, and all you have to do is love it.
That’s why I’ll never move away from my hometown.
Well, that and my brother stays here.
At the thought of Octavius, my mood sours, bringing me back to the current situation.
Slipping off my shoes, I hiss when my feet touch the cold marble as I walk to the fire. Extending my hands to it, I welcome the warmth surrounding me and heating up my icy fingers.
Although an inferno burns inside me, consuming my thoughts, on the outside I’m freezing.
“Here you go.” Josephine puts a towel in my hands while holding a steaming mug in the other. She’s changed into sweats and a T-shirt. “You don’t believe in umbrellas?” She frowns. “Your driver should have had it ready for you.”
“I walked here.”
She blinks. “From home?”
“From school. Well, ran is more like it.” I dry my hair, rubbing the wet strands in the towel. “The rain had just started though, so it’s not as bad as it looks.”
“That’s a relief,” she replies with sarcasm coating her tone and snatches the towel from me once I’m done and practically shoves the mug at me. “You need dry clothes too.” She half turns, ready to get them for me, when I grab her elbow, halting her movements.
“Later. We need to talk.” I glance around and point at her couch. “Is it okay for me to sit on it in my clothes?”
She huffs in exasperation. “Okay, you need to stop saying that, because you’re freaking me out. And yes, by all means, sit on the couch and spill the beans, woman.”
I drop on it, sighing in relief while wrapping my hands around the hot mug, welcoming the sting in my palms, and take a tentative sip. The warm liquid slides down my throat, causing the heat to spread through me. “I was supposed to go on a date with Quin tonight.” So this isn’t how I planned to start this conversation, but it’s close enough.
She sits on the chair opposite me. “And it went south?” Since I still stay silent, not knowing how to reply, her eyes narrow, and her voice becomes hard. “If he did something, we’re gonna destroy him.”
“What? No!” I quickly add, and she relaxes a bit, but before either of us can say anything else, a voice calls from the hallway, freezing us both.
“Why did you leave the bed?” Rubbing her face, Morgan walks in wearing the same robe Josephine did earlier. “Come back.” She props on the chair’s arm and circles her arms around Josephine’s neck and then rests her cheek on it, only to freeze when her blue eyes land on me, and she realizes they aren’t alone.
She abruptly sits up straight when she sees me, and we both stare at each other in shock, and finally her words pierce through the stretched silence. “I had sex tonight.”
“We’re dating now,” Josephine adds, sliding her palm down Morgan’s back and then locking it around her waist.
Well, then.
No better opportunity than the present to share my little secret.
“I had sex with Ryder in the library.”
Their jaws drop at my admission; they glance at one another, and then Morgan raises her hands in defeat. “You win.” She smacks a kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek, jumps up, and sits next to me. “Girl! How the hell did this happen?”
“I have no idea,” I reply honestly, happy about my friends finally figuring out their mutual crush on each other but still so confused about my own situation.
“Didn’t you have a date with Quin?” Josephine asks in confusion and fires another question right away. “And how in the hell did he find you?”
“He wanted me to cancel my date, but I refused, so he came to the library. One thing led to another… and before I knew it, we were having sex by the Ancient Greece bookshelf in the library.” I cover my face with my hands, groaning into them as Josephine chuckles and Morgan pats my shoulder in a reassuring gesture. “I’ve crushed on him since I was fifteen,” I add lamely, as if trying to excuse my behavior.
“So when you saw he was ready to fuck you hard, you couldn’t resist?”
Leave it to Josephine to be so frank.
“Yes.” I take another sip blindly, too afraid to look up and see judgment in their eyes. “I know I’m an idiot.”
Morgan asks in confusion, “For hooking up with a professor?” I nod, and she pats my shoulder again. “What does it mean though? Was it a onetime thing, or are you guys going to do it again?”
“I ran away from him.”
“So you don’t know what this means,” Josephine concludes. “Is that why you need to talk?” She drums her fingers on her armchair. “I could pull some strings and get his number, so you can apologize for running and find out what the hell this means to him.”
I shake my head and finally open my eyes again as Josephine stares at me intently, while Morgan grips my free hand. “He wants a relationship I think. He called me his and other stuff.”
“Yay!” Morgan exclaims, squeezing my hand. “Kind of weird and stalkerish, all things considered, but so romantic.” She sighs dreamily, loving the idea of us together, but her girlfriend is way more pragmatic.
And she knows my family history, because some secrets are impossible to hide, especially in our society.
“Octavius,” she utters. “You think he will object to the match.”
A hollow laugh escapes me. “I don’t think. I know. He flat-out forbids me dating. Can you imagine what he will do once he hears about this? He will wipe the floor with Ryder.” Although even saying it feels wrong, as there is nothing soft, gentle, or weak about Ryder.
In fact, I have a strong suspicion, if there is a man who can stand on his own against my older brother, it’s him, and he won’t drop me like a hot potato for fear of dying.
Still, there is a tiny chance of him getting hurt in the process, and I just can’t risk it.
What if they fight and hurt each other, just like what happened to Octavius all those years ago?
“Breathe, Estella, breathe,” Josephine orders, and that’s when I realize I’m holding my breath. I exhale slowly and then inhale, chasing away the panic ready to wrap tightly around me. “I have this system that allows me to choose things I truly want to do.”
The change of subject is so rapid I’m not sure what to say, so I stay silent while she explains. “Answer these few questions, and based on that, you can decide what to do next.”
“If he is interested and she likes him, what is there to think about?” Morgan asks, crossing her arms, and Josephine throws a soft smile her way.
“Patience, my love. Estella here doesn’t have an artistic soul, and she overthinks everything, so she needs our help to figure it out.”
“May I remind you, Estella is here,” I snap. They laugh, and the melodic sound of it calms some of the nerves causing a storm inside me.
At least, no matter what, I have these two best friends, and that is a win.
Josephine claps her hands together. “Okay. So you have the hots for Ryder. Correct?” I nod. “Did you enjoy having sex with him?” My cheeks heat up, but I nod once again. Morgan snatches my mug and takes a sip, swaying her head from side to side, keeping up with the conversation. “Would you like to do it again?” Nod. “And have a relationship with him in the future?”
I still as I imagine my future with him. I know so much about him already, but there are so man
y undiscovered things though.
Things that might change my mind completely. They could be hideous and horrible in their nature, scaring me for what hides behind the person he presents to the world.
My family taught me that everyone has secrets; some people are just better at hiding them.
And yet…
He makes me feel so alive when I’m in his arms that whatever his past might be, I won’t care one bit as long as we have this all-consuming connection.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“So the only thing stopping you is Octavius not approving?”
I open my mouth to agree but then hesitate, looking deep down inside my heart and finding another answer all together. “What if he changes his mind and decides he doesn’t want me after all? He’d travel to some other country again to write yet another book, and I’d be just a memory in his life.” I lean back and rest my head on the couch, studying the spotless ceiling above me. “It might not even last long enough for Octavius to know about it.”
Josephine clacks her tongue. “So it’s about your broken heart and not your brother.”
“Yes.”
“You want a guarantee in a relationship, but no one can give you one.” Morgan pinches my nose. “Be brave, babe, and embrace this new romance for whatever it is.”
“And if it goes south, you can always let Octavius beat the shit out of him,” Josephine says. She gets up and sits on the left as she leans closer to my face while I puff out air, billowing my hair back. “Seems like a win-win situation to me.”
“He’s still my professor,” I remind her, my deliberative mind already thinking a few steps ahead of how we’ll have to hide our relationship to avoid anyone judging us.
At least until we both know it’s serious and leading somewhere, rather than a phase designed to drive me mad with passion in which my sexual awakening happens.
Josephine shrugs. “Whatever. You’re not breaking any rules, so fuck what anyone says. That being said, be discreet.” She winks. “It’ll be hotter.”
“And her brother?” Morgan brings up the elephant in the room, and I sigh in resignation.
The security he has tailing me twenty-four seven, which he thinks I don’t know about, would report to him about my fling slash relationship.
Am I ready for the consequences?
“He’ll deal. Besides, he can’t cut her off financially.” Right, considering our unique situation. My mother was married twice, both times to members of the same family, so we both own almost an equal number of shares in our company. And I got access to the money when I turned eighteen. “He won’t ever cut you off emotionally either, because he loves you. They might throw some punches around to satisfy their male egos, but that will be it.” She removes the hair from my forehead as our gazes connect. “Trust me, Estella. Octavius isn’t stupid. He knows you’ll date at some point.”
I’m not sure about that though, since my brother himself doesn’t date. So who knows what he expects from me?
All my idiotic assumptions aside though…
Is it really that simple?
Just succumb to all these emotions and jump into the ocean that is my lust, letting it wash over me and change me in ways so I’ll never be able to be the old me.
However, I can discover new, exciting things, and even if it doesn’t work out, I’ll know I tried instead of running scared.
“We need to go.” Octavius laces his hand with mine and pulls me to the right, my teddy bear dropping on the floor as we race through the hallways while my heart beats so hard I feel it in my throat.
I can barely keep up with my brother. However, I push myself as hard as I can and hang on to him tight as he navigates us deeper into the mansion, seeking the secret door that will allow us to get outside and hide in our massive garden.
There, the monster that’s my father won’t be able to catch us.
The loud footsteps continue to trail after us, his disgusting slurs echoing off the walls. “You little bastards, come back here.” Something crashes in the distance, and the sounds of gunshots make me gasp in fear as I squeeze Octavius’s hand hard. “Come back or I’ll kill you both so your whore of a mother can be sorry for what she has done to me.”
Octavius grabs my shoulders and then pushes me forward in front of him, blocking me from any danger that might come from behind us, and shouts, “Run, Estella.” I speed up, my bare feet soundless on the carpeted floor. More bullets ring out, and something crashes again, sinking fear into me, causing tears to form in my eyes. I look ahead, concentrating on the small opening in the wall that will save us from this madness once again.
Until the next time. Our mother hides in her room, pretending nothing is going on—like she always does—because he never harms a hair on her body.
That’s why she readily sacrifices her children to his rage.
Lately, it has become so frequent I don’t know how to sleep at night unless Octavius is next to me, protecting and watching over me.
When we finally come to the secret door, another bullet along with his loud roar reverberates around the walls, and I whisper, “Octavius.”
He palms my head. “It’s okay, Estella. Go inside now and run. Run until you reach the greenhouse and stay there. Do not come back home until someone comes to get you.” At my nod, he removes the painting and motions for me to go in before closing it again so my father will never find out about it.
My brother found and explored it with Florian, his best friend, two years ago, and since then, it has been our saving grace.
At least he’s gotten fewer bruises on his skin when we’ve managed to escape in time.
Florian even got us blankets, food, and a few lamps to put there so we’d be more comfortable. He also bought a music player for me so I could put on headphones and block away everything while trying to fall asleep. A first aid kit is there too, because who knows what wounds we might end up with on our feet while running away.
Despite our wealth, which is our given right, my father never allows any money to be spent on Octavius unless it’s to buy him clothes for school, so no one knows about his hideous deeds. He loves to use it against him too, sometimes withholding food for days in the house so Octavius will come and beg him for it.
My brother never does though, which only angers my father.
Florian pretty much pays for all the things Octavius needs and gets him food to eat at school or sneaks some sandwiches inside the house with take-out bags. It makes my father livid, and he barely resists snatching them away.
However, the monster might be cruel, but he is not stupid.
Plus, you’d have to be an idiot to go against Jacob Price’s son in this town, because Florian’s dad would bury you alive if you dared.
Not to mention that the godfather of said son is even more powerful than Uncle Jacob.
The two men ask my brother questions time and time again, waiting for him to tell them about the crimes happening behind these walls, but he never does. So instead, they give him whatever he needs, protecting and showing him love in the only way they can. Or rather in the only way my brother allows them to.
In the greenhouse, there is a small phone too. Florian told us to call him in an emergency, but my brother never used it despite me begging him to do it.
What has to happen for him to finally admit we need help?
And then my brother screams, snapping me from my thoughts. “I’m here!” And I hear him rushing away, taking the monster’s attention from me as I crawl through the narrow passageway until I get out and then run to the greenhouse.
I rock back and forth as tears stream down my cheeks, but I don’t dare make a sound for fear of someone finding me without Octavius to protect me.
Because no one else ever goes against the monster’s orders.
The next morning, our family butler, Antonio, finds me and takes me back home where everything is put back in its place with no signs of bullet holes while everyone acts normally.
Only my brother stays locked in his room for two weeks straight—punishment for his disobedience—and when he emerges from it, on top of old scars, he has new ones marring his skin, although he gives me careless smiles as if it’s no big deal.
As if I don’t hear his screams of pain hidden behind the thick walls.
As if I don’t know what my father does to him.
As if I don’t know that the only reason the monster even threatens my safety is so that Octavius will protect me and give him another reason to hurt him.
Then it repeats all over again.
While all I do every single time is run and run.
I’m no longer a scared five-year-old child though, and the monster who ate at my flesh died a long time ago.
So why do I continue to run without stopping to enjoy life, instead passing it by, hoping no one will ever hurt me again?
Even my brother has moved on in a way by thriving in business and creating that brotherhood of his, where they cause chaos wherever they go.
Most of the things they engage in are illegal and dangerous as they walk the narrow line between sane and insane, but nevertheless, they live each day to the fullest.
Yet I’m standing still, and when Ryder showed up to shake the snow globe that is my life… I ran once again.
I stand up abruptly when this realization hits me, startling my friends, who jump up right along with me. “Enough. I don’t want to run anymore.” I stroll forward and put on my shoes, determined to go back to the library to get my bag and find Ryder’s phone number so I can call him while my courage lasts and before the doubts assail me again.
He’s the fresh air my existence needs, and I intend to inhale as much air as humanly possible.
“Atta girl!” Morgan raises her fist up.
“You need a ride?” Josephine asks. “I can call my driver.”
“No. I just need to go.” I rush to the door and then stop, spinning around and bump into the girls, who have concern written all over the features. They probably have whiplash from all my mood swings. “Thank you, girls. Love you both,” I say, opening my arms and squeezing them while they lock their arms around me too in a massive group hug. “And I’m really happy about you two.” I lean back and grin. “You can tell me all the details tomorrow during lunch.”