Lemons Lemons Lemons Lemons Lemons

by Sam Steiner

  Silence.

  OLIVER. I love you.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah me too. I’m glad it was only one brick. Not like several bricks.

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  *

  BERNADETTE. Thirty.

  OLIVER. Two.

  BERNADETTE. Choose carefully.

  OLIVER. I apologise.

  BERNADETTE. For what? Oliver, for what?

  *

  BERNADETTE. Morning.

  OLIVER. Morning.

  BERNADETTE. How are you feeling?

  OLIVER. Okay.

  BERNADETTE. Good.

  OLIVER. We’ve done all we could.

  BERNADETTE. You have.

  OLIVER. If they’re gonna pass this fascist fest of a law now, they were always gonna pass it.

  Pause.

  You don’t think it’s fascist.

  BERNADETTE. I don’t.

  OLIVER. How can you think that?

  BERNADETTE. I’m different from you.

  Pause.

  OLIVER. You’re gonna be late to work.

  BERNADETTE. They’ve cancelled it.

  OLIVER. They’ve cancelled it?

  BERNADETTE. All the courts are shut today. For the vote.

  Pause.

  OLIVER. That makes sense. This is more important, I suppose.

  Silence.

  *

  OLIVER. Turn it on.

  BERNADETTE. Okay.

  OLIVER. Here we go.

  BERNADETTE. Here we go.

  Long silence. It should feel potentially endless.

  OLIVER. Turn it off.

  Silence.

  BERNADETTE. I’m gonna have to gag myself at night.

  OLIVER. What?

  BERNADETTE. I talk in my sleep. You said I talk in my sleep. I’m gonna have to gag myself at night with like duct tape or a sock or something. Otherwise I’m just wasting. Just being wasteful.

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. I never thought they’d actually…

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. Go through with it.

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. And how can they… how can it go through so.

  OLIVER. Soon. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. Monday.

  OLIVER. They knew it was gonna pass.

  BERNADETTE. They can’t have. It was too close.

  OLIVER. They had the votes.

  BERNADETTE. I’m sorry, Oliver.

  OLIVER. What for?

  BERNADETTE. That you didn’t win.

  Pause.

  OLIVER. We didn’t win, Bernadette.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah, I know. But I’m just sorry that you didn’t. You tried really hard.

  OLIVER. Don’t patronise me.

  BERNADETTE. I really wasn’t.

  OLIVER. I can’t tell any more.

  Pause.

  BERNADETTE. Okay. Right. So we’ve got errrm we’ve got four days, four and a bit days before you know, it kicks in. I really think it’s important that we make the most of it. We should make the most of it. Because one hundred and forty words a day isn’t a lot of words and I know I’ll have to use most of them at work and you’ll have to, yes, use some of yours as well. So it’ll be hard for us to talk and communicate. You know, like we do.

  Pause.

  But I guess it’s lucky we’ve already got each other. That we already know each other really well. Meeting someone new would / be…

  OLIVER. I need to give a speech.

  BERNADETTE. Oh / right, okay.

  OLIVER. To the, to the losers, I guess. Thanking them and… I guess encouraging them to keep going / and then I’ll come back and we’ll spend the next four days figuring this out.

  BERNADETTE. I don’t think this is something you can just get repealed.

  OLIVER. We need to figure out ways round it. Tricks and things.

  BERNADETTE. Tricks and things.

  *

  BERNADETTE. What about abbreviations?

  OLIVER. Abbreviations?

  BERNADETTE. Like can’t or don’t or wasn’t or weren’t or…

  OLIVER. What about them?

  BERNADETTE. Do they count as one or two?

  OLIVER. Oh right. Well how many do they count as one word?

  BERNADETTE. We should check.

  OLIVER. One. So you can say ‘can’t’ and still have one hundred and thirty-nine left.

  BERNADETTE. Well that’s a relief.

  OLIVER. I feel relieved.

  BERNADETTE. Like a weight’s been lifted.

  OLIVER. A little bit like a weight’s been lifted, yes.

  BERNADETTE. Like a light weight.

  OLIVER. Maybe we should like… Maybe we should just create a whole load of new abbreviations? That halves our output.

  BERNADETTE. Like a code?

  OLIVER. Yes. Sort of. So, so instead of ‘sort of’ we could just say ‘sorf’.

  BERNADETTE. ‘Sorf’.

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. Or instead of ‘instead of’ we could say ‘insteaf’.

  OLIVER. Exactly.

  BERNADETTE. Or instead of ‘see you later’ we could have errr… we could say… ‘seeuoayer’.

  OLIVER. Well, I mean that one’s a bit… You could just say ‘seeya’.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah. I like that. That’s better.

  OLIVER. And instead of saying ‘how are you’ or ‘how was your day’ we could just say: ‘how?’

  BERNADETTE. But what if we’re asking a different how-related question. Like how does this microwave oven work or like how did people survive before fat-free frozen yogurt?

  OLIVER. Okay.

  BERNADETTE. Or how do you pronounce a double-L in Welsh?

  OLIVER. Okay. That one wasn’t… But I guess they’ll emerge.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah.

  OLIVER. In our daily lives.

  BERNADETTE. In our day-to-day.

  OLIVER. Yes. Good.

  BERNADETTE. Instead of ‘I love you’ we could say ‘lovou’.

  OLIVER. Yes. Definitely. Exactly.

  *

  OLIVER. Morse code! We could speak in Morse code!

  BERNADETTE. How does that work?

  OLIVER. Okay so each letter is a combination of dots and dashes.

  BERNADETTE. Right.

  OLIVER. So like an S is three dots.

  BERNADETTE. Dot dot dot. That’s three words for one letter.

  OLIVER. No, no, we’d tap it.

  OLIVER dives onto the floor and taps three times.

  BERNADETTE. Oliver.

  OLIVER. Shhh.

  BERNADETTE. Okay.

  He taps the floor three times.

  S.

  OLIVER smiles widely.

  How do you do a dash?

  OLIVER drags his finger along the floor.

  OLIVER. I’ll get you a book on it.

  BERNADETTE. Thanks.

  *

  OLIVER. Maybe we’ll just have to look into each other’s eyes more. Eye contact. You can do a lot with eye contact.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah.

  OLIVER. Like people tell whole stories with their eyes.

  BERNADETTE. Do they?

  OLIVER. I mean metaphorically.

  BERNADETTE. Right. Yes.

  OLIVER. Though I’m sure people do. Tell whole stories with their eyes. In some cultures.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah, in like tribes and stuff.

  OLIVER pauses, looks uneasy.

  OLIVER. Like a long time ago.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah.

  *

  BERNADETTE. How long have we got?

  OLIVER. About five minutes.

  BERNADETTE. And then…

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. Okay. I want to… I want to say everything then…

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. I want to just say everything, okay?

  OLIVER. Yeah.

  BERNADETTE. Everything that I’ve ever wanted to say but never been really able to for some reason or other. And everythi
ng that you, Oliver, that you’ve always wanted to say but never really been able to say for some reason or other.

  OLIVER. Yes.

  BERNADETTE. I don’t want to talk later.

  OLIVER. No. Well it’ll be difficult to talk later.

  BERNADETTE. We’d have to do it in Morse code.

  OLIVER. Yes it would be slow.

  BERNADETTE. Okay I’ll start.

  OLIVER. Right. Okay.

  BERNADETTE. I’m gonna start.

  OLIVER. Whenever you’re ready.

  BERNADETTE. You start.

  OLIVER. Okay.

  BERNADETTE. We’ll take turns or yeah just see how it goes.

  OLIVER. Right. Errrm. Okay. I love you. I do. I’m very grateful for you being with me and indulging me I guess in all my little things that I errrm… And I know I like to play the victim sometimes and I like to sulk and I like to punish you. Well I don’t like to punish you I just do sometimes – I’m not very forgiving. I know that and I’m sorry for that, I am, I am sorry for that because it, you know, probably has some repercussions on you and your state of mind and on us and…

  BERNADETTE. Cool. Cool. Yep. Keep going.

  OLIVER. And sometimes I feel that you don’t listen to what I’m saying or no you do listen, you do but you always have other cogs whirring at the same time if you know what I mean? Like if you were a laptop you’d have other tabs open. If you were an internet browser I mean. Like you’re looking at me, you’re definitely looking at me and focusing on me but but but I’m aware that at the top of the page there are, you know, other things open, other tabs. Maybe you’ve got Facebook or the news or a couple of YouTube videos about cats…

  BERNADETTE. Yep doesn’t matter, keep going.

  OLIVER. And I don’t like your brother. I think he is too dismissive of you and, yes, of me as well, and he’s too actually, you know what, and you’re going to disagree with me here, but too self-involved. I think he is so paranoid about retaining absolute control of every little thing he does that he’s actually a bit rude and also, also, very hard to buy presents for on birthdays.

  BERNADETTE. Yep, agree about the birthday thing, not the rest.

  OLIVER. Yes, well, I thought that was the point. You said you wanted us to / just say

  BERNADETTE. No no it was. That’s good, that’s so good, that’s so good. I’ll go now.

  OLIVER. Great.

  BERNADETTE. Okay. Cool. Yep. Right. Sometimes I feel like, and I know I’ve said this a million times, but that you think I’m shallow.

  OLIVER. Right. Yep. Good.

  BERNADETTE. No, I do, I do. And also bad. You make me feel like I’m bad. You’re always higher than me. For some reason, you’re always higher. It’s like when we started we decided that you were going to be the good person and I was going to be the bad person. Even though sometimes, occasionally I feel pretty strongly that I’m actually the good person and you, you’re the er… And not just in the heat of the moment, I look back on it and I think about it and I reflect and reason with myself and I still think that there, just there, not always, but just there I was the good… one.

  OLIVER. Wonderful.

  BERNADETTE. Oliver.

  OLIVER. No, no carry on. It’s good that we’re airing these while we’ve got this errr… fleeting window of opportunity.

  BERNADETTE. See there! Just there! ‘This fleeting window of opportunity.’ What is that? The way you say things. Sometimes I think you use big words to make yourself feel better and me feel worse. Is it some kind of male-dominance thing because my pay cheque is bigger than yours? Is it you saying ‘I’m doing what I love because I love it. You, you’re a sell-out, you’re driven by money and security, but me, well, if I wanted to be a sell-out, if I wanted to be successful, then I’d use all the big words in court and people would listen to me because I’m clever in an obvious way.’ A lot of what you say sounds like that sometimes. A lot of our conversations feel like that.

  OLIVER. Cool. Coool. Errr can I jump back in here or have you got more to…

  BERNADETTE. Yeah do it! Go for it!

  OLIVER. Just to say: this is great stuff. Real exorcising stuff.

  BERNADETTE. Mmm-hmm. Quickly.

  OLIVER. So I don’t like what you do. I know you think I don’t like it and I know you hate me for that and for not understanding that your mum worked in Tesco and your dad barely worked so you have this thing about achievement. And I love you for that. Obviously. And I know you think you always wanted to be a lawyer but come on, like you had passions and stuff and…

  BERNADETTE. Okay. Great. I really feel like we’re making… Like you said it’s the exorcism thing. We just say it and then puff it’s gone.

  OLIVER. Yeah, definitely. Puff.

  BERNADETTE. Is there anything else?

  OLIVER. Nope.

  BERNADETTE. Really?

  Long pause.

  OLIVER. Nope.

  BERNADETTE. Right. Okay great.

  OLIVER. Oh and I love you.

  BERNADETTE. Yep, I’ve got something else.

  OLIVER. Well we’ve barely got any time left so…

  BERNADETTE. So in bed. Sometimes, sometimes in bed. Okay I know that you… you do this whole love thing. And you’re staring in my eyes. Like right in my eyes… While you’re… you know. And it’s a bit… and I like that you’re so responsive to me and caring and intent on me, you know… And it is so nice. Boy, is it nice. Really. But sometimes I’m just a bit… I dunno… it’s hard to think of the… Now, bored isn’t the right word.

  OLIVER. Okay yep faster. Much faster now. Come on. Thirty seconds. Faster faster faster.

  BERNADETTE. And I wish you’d just stop fiddling around and worrying about… and just… let loose and really give it something, cowboy. Sometimes I want to feel sexy and powerful and like we could be in Basic Instinct or Brokeback Mountain or… I wish you’d just have at me once or twice. I don’t want to be sensitive or lovey, I don’t want to feel like your entire life had been leading up to the moment that you put your thing in my… I want you to be strong and…

  OLIVER. And wrap it up, wrap it up.

  BERNADETTE. But I like that we are, you know, making progress as a couple because what’s a relationship if it’s not moving… you know and I’m excited, I’m really excited about…

  OLIVER. Stop stop stop stop stop!

  Long silence.

  They both breathe out slowly.

  BERNADETTE. Lovou.

  OLIVER. Lovou.

  Pause.

  Bed?

  BERNADETTE smiles.

  BERNADETTE. You.

  She nods emphatically and points.

  I.

  She breathes out and pushes the palms of her hands downwards as if to say ‘I need a moment.’

  OLIVER smiles and nods.

  *

  OLIVER. I’m sorry but are you okay?

  BERNADETTE (teary). Yeah, no I’m fine. / I’m just very

  OLIVER. I’m really sorry for your loss.

  BERNADETTE. What?

  OLIVER. Dennis. I’m really sorry that you had to go through that. I was at the protest. Where he was you know… crushed. It all just got a bit out of hand, if I’m honest. Oh no, but I wasn’t / involved.

  BERNADETTE. No Dennis wasn’t my…

  OLIVER (talking over her). I tried to save Dennis but couldn’t get through the crowd fast enough. I am so sorry. Honestly. I was only there for a friend really. She’s super against the hush law, / you see so…

  BERNADETTE. No. Dennis wasn’t my cat. He was Steph’s.

  OLIVER. You’re not Steph.

  BERNADETTE. No.

  OLIVER. I just thought… because you were crying…

  BERNADETTE. I was very moved.

  OLIVER. Oh. Right.

  BERNADETTE. I thought it was a beautiful service and I was very moved.

  OLIVER. Yeah. I didn’t even know they had pet cemeteries. Eerily quiet isn’t it. So you know Steph?

  BERNADETTE. Ye
ah. You?

  OLIVER. Well I thought you were her…

  BERNADETTE. Why are you here then?

  OLIVER. Well I felt bad about the… guilty I guess for being… Oh and I know Dan who did the errr… I guess you’d call it a eulogy.

  BERNADETTE. Oh. Tell him I thought it was beautiful.

  OLIVER. He’s very good at finding things to say about cats.

  BERNADETTE. That’s quite a skill.

  OLIVER. He worked on one of my tracks.

  BERNADETTE. You’re a musician.

  OLIVER. Yeah. Well recently it’s just been jingles for adverts and…

  BERNADETTE. Anything I’d know?

  OLIVER. Probably not.

  BERNADETTE. I’m a lawyer.

  OLIVER. Oh. Right. Okay. Yeah / that’s… that’s really impressive, I guess.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah. Well I’m doing my pupillage. Training.

  OLIVER. You kind of one-upped me there.

  BERNADETTE. Yours is much cooler.

  OLIVER. Thanks.

  BERNADETTE. What’s the hush law?

  OLIVER. What?

  BERNADETTE. You were on a march or something. Where Dennis was…

  OLIVER. You don’t / know about the…

  BERNADETTE. I’m not really that politically…

  OLIVER. It was for the limit thing. The daily-word-/limit thing…

  BERNADETTE. Oh the Quietude Bill. I didn’t know / it was called that…

  OLIVER. Yeah. Yeah, it’s a nickname. My friend’s really in to it. I just go with her.

  Pause.

  What’s your name?

  BERNADETTE. Bernadette.

  OLIVER. Wow.

  BERNADETTE. What?

  OLIVER. No. It’s just that that’s not a name you hear… but, but, errr, looking at you now it’s like I can’t imagine anything else. Like you are Bernadette. Like Bernadette is just you summed up in one word.

  BERNADETTE. What’s your name?

  OLIVER. Oliver.

  BERNADETTE. Hmmmm I don’t buy it.

  OLIVER. Pardon?

  BERNADETTE. You don’t know me.

  OLIVER. Well, I’d like to.

  *

  OLIVER waves at BERNADETTE.

  She waves back.

  They speak excessively slowly and loudly (Brits-abroad style).

  BERNADETTE. How was your day?

  OLIVER. Weird.

  BERNADETTE. Weird how?

  OLIVER. Eerie.

  BERNADETTE. Yeah.

  OLIVER. Quiet.

  BERNADETTE. Kind of nice.

  OLIVER. It’s horrible. Orwellian.

  BERNADETTE. Like pet cemetery everywhere.

  OLIVER. Your day?

  BERNADETTE. How was my…?

  OLIVER. Yes.