Winter Longing

by Tricia Mills

  The dreaminess fell away. “Yeah, but I don’t think it matters.”

  “Did he say something?” Maybe this time I could punch a guy for her.

  “No. Drew did.”

  “What?”

  “I guess he noticed Caleb looking at me, so he said, ‘You don’t want to get involved with her. Her family’s messed up, poor as dirt. Dad’s a loser drunk. I’m surprised they let her work here at all—her dad got arrested here a year ago.’ ”

  A flush of anger heated my face, and my fingers curled around the edge of my textbook. “I feel the need to do bodily harm.” I realized it was one of the first times I’d felt anything but sorrow and embarrassment since before Labor Day.

  “We tried that once, remember? Didn’t seem to do any good. Do have to say it took all my self-control not to slug him, or at least pour his drink in his lap.” She shrugged. “But I need the job. And the kicker is, it was all true.”

  “Linds.”

  She met my gaze. “You know it is. And it’s getting worse. Dad is a loser. At least he used to manage to bring home a little money, now he’s just drinking it all. He came home stone-cold broke this time, even had the balls to ask Mom for money.”

  I knew from the look of disgust on her face that her mom had given it to him. “That’s why you’re working? What about Ryan and David?” I hadn’t seen her older brothers in weeks, and then only in passing at the grocery.

  “They’re working odd jobs, raising enough to head down to Dutch Harbor. Try to get on some crab boats for king crab season. Mom hates the idea of them going out, but it’s not like money’s floating down the Naknek.”

  I might not understand Anja Kusagak’s views on many things, but her fear for her sons made sense. Especially since crab fishing on the Bering Sea was the deadliest job in the world.

  Freddie McClain came in the front door, looking hungry after a day of working as the solo employee of the borough’s road department.

  Though Lindsay tried to shake off our conversation with her usual that’s-just-the-way-it-is attitude, I could tell she was bruised. Of course, losing a close friend was the worst of it, but I thought Drew’s comment in front of Caleb ranked high on the disappointment ladder. She’d become used to her dad’s behavior; so that, she could handle. But she’d hoped for a chance with Caleb.

  If Drew walked back by outside, I was so going to deck him. And with all the anger and hurt seething within me, I might not stop punching.

  I looked out toward the empty block of Town Park. Such a short time ago, my only worries had been about how to follow my dream of being a costume designer and how I was going to tell Spencer I liked him as more than a friend. How quickly things had changed.

  Now life seemed heavier, darker and overflowing with bigger concerns. Ones bigger than Alaska itself. Ones I couldn’t fix.

  I stared out the window of Chow’s as I stuffed another bite of black-pepper chicken into my mouth. Jesse Kerr and Patrice Murray stepped out of Tundra Books.

  “Since when are they customers?”

  Spencer shrugged. “Maybe he was getting her a Christmas present.”

  I snorted. “Patrice? A book?”

  “We sell things besides books, you know.”

  “Oh, yes, Jesse must have bought her a romantic coffee mug full of beans.”

  “Be nice. Jesse’s a good guy.”

  “Just hasn’t found the right girl?”

  He looked back at me. “Something like that.”

  CHAPTER 13

  I would never go to the Snow Ball.

  On a Monday morning five weeks after the crash, this realization hit me full in the face.

  Between my locker and my first-period classroom sat a table at which Patrice Murray and Skyler Thornby, both class officers, were signing up volunteers for the formal dance.

  The pain felt like a red-hot sword had been shoved through my heart and out my back. I couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard I fought to suck down air.

  God, I would never dance with Spencer. Never see him again. It hit me so strongly that it reawakened a part of me that had turned numb. I swung around and hurried in the opposite direction, trying in vain to outrun the horror of the truth. As I careened around the corner that led toward the gym, I ran into someone so hard that both of our books went flying.

  “Damn it!” I dropped to the floor without even seeing who I’d plowed into. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  I looked up to find myself eye to eye with Jesse. Of all the people to hit. Why couldn’t it have been Drew Chernov? I’d have loved to have broken one of his bones in the process.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I gathered his books into a pile.

  “It’s okay, really.” He smiled, a teasing smirk. “Though I do have to wonder if I’ve done something in particular to make you keep running into me.”

  My face flushed. “I’m just clumsy. I didn’t mean to, either time.” I felt myself begin to babble, and I became more desperate to escape. I hated myself for automatically remembering the dream I’d had about him.

  Jesse placed his hand on my upper arm. “Stop apologizing. It’s no big deal.”

  I nearly choked on a gasp and quickly stood, breaking the contact with Jesse. I was losing my mind. That was the only excuse for what had felt like a zing of awareness—guygirl awareness—when he’d touched me. I couldn’t like him. I didn’t. I loved Spencer. Always had, always would.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and wondered if I could zip past him without letting him see how much his nearness unnerved me. “Nothing.”

  He sighed and leaned his forearm against the bank of lockers. “You know, I may be a jock, but I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been avoiding me for some reason, and I know something has you upset.”

  I let out a long breath and leaned back against the lockers. “I’ve just been trying to avoid things that remind me of Spencer, and it’s impossible.” I knew I sounded on the verge of tears, but I couldn’t help it. Just when I thought I might get through a day with some semblance of peace, something punched me with sorrow again.

  He waited for a moment, like he was debating saying whatever was on his mind. “What was it this time?”

  I looked up at the white ceiling tiles in an effort to stave off the coming tears. “Patrice and Skyler signing up volunteers for the Snow Ball.”

  “You and Spencer were supposed to go?”

  I nodded.

  “I know this might sound trite, but try not to think about it. A lot can happen in two months.”

  I don’t know which surprised me more, Jesse’s use of the word “trite” or what felt like a hidden meaning in his words. Against my better judgment, I looked up into his dark eyes and felt something there, just beyond the surface. I broke eye contact and glanced in the direction of Lindsay, who was standing ten yards away.

  Confusion and a touch of betrayal showed on her features. Crap, just what I needed, to put Linds and myself at odds again. Was this day cursed?

  “I gotta go. Sorry again for running you over.”

  “If you apologize again, I’m going to have to think of an appropriate punishment.”

  His teasing startled me enough that I nearly tripped over my own feet as I pushed away from the lockers. I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to.

  Lindsay stood her ground as I approached.

  “I thought you said nothing was going on between you two.”

  I stopped and gave her an exasperated look. “There’s not.” Even if there were strange currents flowing between us, ones I couldn’t attribute to him being nice to me at his parents’ suggestion. “In my apparent desire to be the clumsiest person on earth, I came around the corner and ran right into him again.”

  “And this led to a deep conversation in the hallway?”

  “Linds, I don’t know what you think is going on, but he just asked how I was doing. He was just being nice.”

&nbs
p; “Since when does Jesse Kerr give a crap?”

  “Apparently since he saw me pass out, when I heard Spencer’s body was either incinerated or eaten by a bear.” I said it too loudly. A few people nearby stopped, gasped, stared.

  A hand at my back made me jump, and for a crazy moment I thought it was Spencer coming to make peace between his two best friends. But the tall, imposing presence of Jesse stepped into the space between Linds and me and the rest of the students in the corridor. He placed a broad hand on Lindsay’s shoulder.

  “I don’t think you want to have this conversation out here,” he said. He gently guided us toward the empty gym.

  Lindsay was still so stunned by my revelation that she let him.

  Once inside, Lindsay took several unsteady breaths. Then she looked at me with haunted eyes. I could no longer hold the tears. They streaked down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “I knew . . .” She cleared her throat. “I knew they couldn’t find the body, but . . . God, Winter, it’s too awful to even think about.” She ran her fingers into her hair, pressing the heels of her hands against her temples as if she could squeeze the image out of her mind.

  I sank onto an old, scarred bleacher, too tired to stand anymore. I glanced over and noticed Jesse standing by the door like a sentinel.

  Lindsay looked at him, and he met her gaze. “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “It’s okay. I know it’s tough.” He glanced at me before returning his attention to the hallway outside the door, letting Lindsay and me work this out between us.

  The bleachers squeaked as Lindsay sank down beside me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  I caught her hand in mine. “A lot has happened lately. None of it’s fair.” I swiped the tears off one of my cheeks. “Linds, I need you right now, and I know you don’t like to admit you need anyone, but I think you need me, too. I don’t want to fight anymore or to defend myself. I need to be able to say and do whatever I have to in order to get through this, even though most days that seems impossible. And I want you to be able to talk to me about whatever.” I paused, considering my next words, wondering if I should say them. “Talk to me, not accuse me.”

  She bristled, but then I saw her force herself to relax before she nodded. “I can’t get the image out of my head.”

  “I know. I keep having nightmares about it.” I exhaled slowly. “I wish I hadn’t said that. You shouldn’t have to live with the image, too.”

  Lindsay glanced past me to where Jesse was doing a good job of pretending he wasn’t there.

  “Why was he there when you fainted?”

  “He came with his parents. The Kerrs were talking to Mom and Dad when I woke up. They all thought I was still asleep. But when I heard Dad talk about what he and the rescue crew found, the whole world spun and went black.” I considered telling her about how Jesse had carried me to bed, but despite my assertion that we needed to be honest with each other, I didn’t think now was the best time to bring it up.

  Lindsay shook her head. “Seems like nothing makes sense anymore.”

  I knew how she felt.

  The warning bell for first period rang. Lindsay stood. “I’ve got a test. Can’t be late.”

  I could almost see the shutting-down part of herself so she could do what had to be done. She’d deal with the new knowledge about Spencer. I wished I could compartmentalize like that. That image, the continued expectation that I’d see Spencer around every corner, my too-heavy heart—these things followed me around every minute of every day.

  Lindsay nodded at Jesse as she left the gym. Not wanting to draw any more attention to myself by being late to class, I followed. But when I came up next to Jesse, I stopped. I looked up at him, tried to figure out this guy I thought I’d had pegged years ago.

  “Thank you.”

  He smiled, and I had to admit that he had a beautiful smile, one that made me want to believe, suddenly, that things would be okay. “Anytime.”

  That single word followed me all the way to class.

  “Dang, it’s cold!” I grabbed another blanket off the back of the couch, trying to ignore the wicked sound of the wind whistling around our house. Outside, winter was in full force. I might be Alaskan, but even I got bone cold sometimes.

  “Come here, wuss,” Spencer said as he pulled me close to him.

  It wasn’t anything abnormal for us to cuddle up on the couch. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and returned his attention to the movie. I stared at the screen, but nothing registered beyond my desire to wrap my arms around Spencer and confess all of my hidden feelings.

  CHAPTER 14

  “How did the test go?” I asked as Lindsay got into the lunch line behind me. I wanted to avoid heavy conversation, so I’d been focusing on surface topics.

  “Fine, I think. But when I’ll ever use physics, I have no idea.”

  “Precisely why I didn’t take it.”

  “It was that or choir, and you know I don’t sing.”

  “Not without making dogs howl, anyway.”

  She smacked me on the shoulder, and for a moment, it felt like old times. But Spencer’s gaping absence kept the spurts of normalcy to a minimum.

  Lindsay cursed as she searched her purse.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “My wallet isn’t in here. Crap, I think I left it on the bed this morning.”

  I opened my mouth to say I’d buy her lunch and she could pay me back, but I didn’t get the chance.

  “I’ve got it.” Caleb Moore extended a five-dollar bill past us to Cheryl Sturgeon, the cashier.

  Already, Lindsay was shaking her head. “I can’t let you do that.”

  He smiled wide, one of those smiles that stops females of all ages in their tracks, stunning them into blabbering idiocy. “I already did.”

  Caleb winked at Linds, and for a moment, I thought she might melt.

  “I’ll pay you back tomorrow.”

  “No need. Not every day I get to buy a pretty girl lunch.”

  Oh, he was smooth. I eyed him, trying to figure out if it was genuine. I glanced past him to Drew Chernov, and red flags went up. The company Caleb was continuing to keep was less than ideal.

  Drew narrowed his eyes at me. “Hurry up. Some of us are hungry.”

  Jackass. “Bite me,” I said.

  Okay, that felt normal, too. Weird. As I grabbed my tray and led Lindsay away before she started drooling on herself, I realized that Drew was the first person who’d treated me carelessly since Spencer’s crash. Well, there’d been that less-than-happy look from Patrice the day she’d seen Jesse and I talking in the hall, but Drew was the first one to open his piehole and be an all-out jerk. In a very odd way, I was glad. Still didn’t mean I liked him. They’d be wearing bikinis in January in Fairbanks before that happened.

  I’d noticed Linds stealing glances at Caleb every day, but I’d chosen to ignore it. Partly because I hadn’t had much to give in the past few weeks, and partly because he hadn’t stood up for her when Drew had opened his fat, idiotic mouth.

  When we slid into chairs at our usual table, I saw her looking back toward where Caleb was taking a seat with Drew and some of the other charter members of the popular crowd.

  “The crush isn’t going away, is it?”

  She sighed and shoved her lima beans around on her plate. “No. I wish it would. But every time I see him, my heart rate doubles and I get all jittery.”

  I knew that feeling well. I rode out a familiar wave of pain before I spoke again.

  “Can’t say I like some of his crowd, but he seems nice.” I hoped anyway. Maybe if Linds found someone, at least she could start to heal from our loss. “Maybe just talk to him, act like the scene with Drew never happened.”

  “Yeah, because that’s all kinds of easy.”

  I shrugged, because I didn’t have a better solution or, honestly, any energy for matchmaking. Lindsay deserved to be happy, and if Caleb Moore cou
ld make her happy, I was all for it. But our short conversation about him was about all I could stand without memories of Spencer rendering me useless.

  The need to strike out still roiled inside of me. I wanted someone to pay for something. The bark of Drew’s laughter across the cafeteria gave me the perfect target. When Lindsay glanced away, I closed my milk carton and slid it into a side pocket of my bag.

  “I’ve got to run to the restroom. See you later.” I stood with my tray.

  “Okay. See you in history.”

  I forced myself to maintain a casual demeanor as I dumped my tray and left the room. I walked down the hall and turned the corner that led to Drew’s locker. A quick scan in each direction revealed I was alone, so I retrieved the milk and poured it through the slats in the top of the locker. I hoped he wouldn’t visit it until the milk got nice and stinky.

  For the first time in weeks, I really smiled.

  “I see your mom decided to increase the number of love quotes this year,” I said as I stepped inside Tundra Books. Quotes hung from or were tacked to every available surface.

  “She swore it increased sales last February,” Spencer replied. “What do you think? Will this make people buy more romance and relationship books?” He extended a piece of white paste-board toward me.

  I took it and read the quote:

  “Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much a heart can hold.—Zelda Fitzgerald”

  I looked up at him and said, “Quotes do help people say what they can’t themselves.”

  CHAPTER 15

  “Name the three groups of Southeastern Coastal Indians,” I said from my spot in the worn, red corner booth at Oregano’s.

  Lindsay didn’t pause as she refilled the Parmesan containers on the tables. “Tlingit, Haida, and Tsimshian.”

  I consulted my study notes as we prepared for the next day’s test in Alaskan history and culture. “Who founded the first permanent Russian settlement on Kodiak Island?”

  “Grigory Shelikhov.” She snapped the Parmesan container closed. “Murdering bastard.”