He Loves Me Healthy, He Loves Me Not

by Renee Dyer

  We’re on our way to being us again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Nick

  There are times in your life when everything is going the way you want. Brenna gave her notice at her job. She doesn’t have another job yet, but I know she will soon. She’s a hard worker. We’ve already lined up a daycare in our neighborhood for Brady when she finds something. She’s a little stressed about not working, but the decision was hers. As much as I wanted to make it, it was something she had to come to on her own.

  Now, we’re heading for our first weekend up to my parents’ camp. Camp is a loose term—it’s a full log home. Brenna loves it because she requires a shower to function each day. We’re going to have a bonfire and teach Brady about s’mores, which I personally can’t stand, but Brenna loves them. She swears any kid of hers will too. We’ll see. He has half my DNA. I love roasting marshmallows, getting them all crispy brown on the outside and gooey sticky on the inside. Perfect. I can’t wait to see how my little man likes that.

  We were nervous about making the three hour drive with him, but we fed him lunch, played for a few minutes, and left. He should sleep for most of the ride, giving Bren and I time to chat about what we should do while we’re there. I’m excited to show her all around. I loved helping my dad build this place with my brothers. I know she’ll adore it. The view of the mountains will win her over. She may not be crazy about being blocked off from the rest of the world, but I think she’ll get used to it. It’s quiet—very quiet, but that’s one of the reasons I like it there. My brain calms and I actually relax for a while.

  I’m not used to that.

  Normally, I see something and I try to dissect it, figure out what makes it work, how it came to be, why it came into my path, how to make it work better. There’s too much for me to think about—all the time. I didn’t know how to explain that when we were building this place. I would tell Brenna how some projects would take longer because we were thinking through how to do the steps. She would blurt out what she thought was the logical way to do it, and I would want to lose it. I hate when people use that term. There’s logic and there’s guys talking things through to find the answer the group likes best. Just because I like to think, like answers, doesn’t mean I’m logical. Well, maybe it does. I don’t know. I call myself logical too sometimes, but I’ve started wondering if that’s because I got used to everyone else calling me that. I’ve started questioning everything in my life. It’s what I do, but now, I’m doing it for a different reason.

  Nothing makes sense anymore.

  It’s hard to pretend I’m the same guy, or have people come to me for help. Sometimes, I let the group decide because I get tired of people wanting me to answer. I don’t always want to be responsible for the final say. The pressure associated with that is immense and I learned the hard way that I’m not always equipped to make the correct decisions. I just want to be Joe Schmoe, average guy. That’s what this weekend is about. Hanging with my family. No tough decisions to make. Bonfire. S’mores. Amusement park. Maybe a restaurant. That’s easy stuff. It’s time to recharge my batteries.

  “You’re pinching your brows together. Do you need me to drive?”

  “Wha? Huh?” I ask, not really hearing what Brenna’s asking.

  “Do you need a break from driving?”

  “Uh, no. Why?”

  “You were pinching your face so hard, you almost gave yourself a uni-brow. You okay?”

  “Everything is great. I’m so ready for this weekend,” I answer, reaching over and taking her hand in mine.

  I can feel her smile across the SUV. She loves when I hold her hand while I’m driving. It’s something she’s not shy about telling me. I love touching her in any way I can. Something I’m not shy about telling her. I smile, thinking how the feisty woman beside me gets shy the second I tell her she’s sexy. She can’t take a compliment. Makes her even more sexy. Cocky ladies bore me, but a woman who blushes when you tell her she’s beautiful will always grab my attention.

  Nine years with her and it still feels like we just met. How is that possible?

  Sneaking a glance at her, I question, as I always do, why the hell she picked me. Geeks like me never get women like her. I’m skinny. Not at all what you’d call a tall guy. I mean, I’m barely over five and a half feet. Most women look at me and dismiss me on my height alone, but Brenna saw me across a room and our future was bright in her eyes. Dumbass that I am, I couldn’t get my tongue to move in my mouth, and almost lost out on the most precious opportunity in my life.

  “I’m sorry we’re not alone for our anniversary,” I blurt out, suddenly feeling awful again for the times I ignored her years before.

  She looks at Brady sleeping and back to me. My eyes are on the road, but I can tell what she’s doing.

  “We missed enough time with him. Besides, I love the idea you came up with. We’ll have us time while he’s sleeping.” She leans over the center console and kisses my cheek. “I love you, Nick.”

  “I love you, too, babe.”

  The rest of the ride goes by quickly. Brady wakes up when we have about half an hour left. He has to go to the bathroom. Brenna jokes that it’s my job to teach him how to pee in the outdoors. Her laughter fills the vehicle with a joy I can’t explain. It’s a sound I wish I could bottle up to take with me and use when I’m having bad days. Brady starts laughing, too. He doesn’t know what’s funny, but it makes me crack up. The three of us sound like hyenas over something that wasn’t that funny to begin with. It feels good to be silly with my family.

  Brenna “oohs” and “ahhs” over the cabin when we get there. I preen like a peacock showing off for his mate. I can’t help it. The men in my family worked hard to build this place and we’re proud of it. She steps out of the SUV as I’m parking it and starts gushing over the view. I knew she’d love it here. I love seeing her here.

  With her arms spread wide, she spins in a circle, a smile spreading her cheeks, her face pointed to the sky. She’s stunning to watch. Happiness exudes from her in waves and washes over me.

  Brady stands beside me, his tiny hand in mine while he watches his mom. I look down and wonder if I was looking at Brenna with the same awe he’s looking at her with now. His eyes spin with her, never losing sight of her movement. His body sways as she turns. If I wasn’t holding his hand, he would probably fall down. She’s beautiful. He’s adorable. I can’t believe this is my life. I’m a lucky man.

  “I want to dance with Mommy,” Brady squeaks, tugging on my hand.

  Brenna stops spinning, a little unsteady on her feet. I walk to her and give her my other hand, allowing her a second to regain her senses. “May we have this dance?”

  She subtly tilts her head and her lips quirk up in the sexiest way. I am so in love with this woman. In true Brenna fashion, she makes a show of throwing her arms out, telling Brady what she’s doing, and asking me if I’m listening too. I’m not. I got too lost in watching them to care about what I should be doing. Brady has to tell me to watch. I pretend to shake out the cobwebs and throw my arms out the way Mommy showed us as his laugh echoes through the air. Brenna tells us to close our eyes, turn our faces to the sun, and spin.

  Together, we dance in the driveway of my parents’ camp until we’re all dizzy and have to hold onto each other to keep from falling down. We wait for the dizziness to pass and Brady asks to do it again. Of course we do. Three more times. By then, the stomach aches start to creep in, so we decide to get the car unloaded and go check the place out.

  Brenna and Brady explore the camp, checking out every room. Brady is excited that he gets to choose a room to sleep in. He picks the room with two beds. He wants to sleep in one bed tonight and the other bed tomorrow. It means more laundry for us, but his excitement is contagious, so we agree. He grabs his stuffy and tucks him under the covers, the green bear’s ears hardly visible from beneath the blankets. While I get the grill going, the two of them put Brady’s clothes in the dresser and his toilet
ries in the bathroom. He’s all unpacked before I can even ask Brenna for help with dinner.

  She starts a cartoon for Brady, kisses his head, and walks into my arms. Her body fits perfectly with mine. I struggle to un-wrap my arms from her waist. As a teenager, I swore I would never get married. No chick would ever tie me down. I chuckle into her hair, thinking what a punk attitude I had back then. Her face tilts up and her hazel eyes pin me in place. Those eyes have been mesmerizing me for years.

  Brenna lifts up on her tiptoes and kisses me. Before I can explore the kiss, she pulls away, walks into the kitchen, and we become the cooking duo we’re used to. I grill the chicken. She cuts the cantaloupe and steams the broccoli. Always in sync.

  When dinner’s cooked, she pours the drinks while I get Brady’s plate. Her ass sways from side to side, grabbing my attention the way it always does as she walks over to wrangle our little man. They argue over who can eat their dinner faster. Brady’s eyes light up, determination flaring. He’s ready to show mommy how fast he can go. She makes everything look so easy. Working with Brady. Making dinner. Housework. Packing to come here. She’s doing a lot better, but I know she still has moments. The headaches aren’t gone. She never says a word, though. She doesn’t cry or complain.

  She’s the strongest person I know.

  Dinner goes by with Brady asking for a fire and s’mores. He’s disappointed when I tell him it has to wait until tomorrow night. The drive to get here was long and I’m tired. He needs a bath and I want to relax for the rest of tonight. He begs Brenna to make me change my mind. His pout comes out, his brown eyes so like mine, tearing up. Brenna pulls him into a bear hug and starts blowing raspberries on his cheeks. Giggles explode from his lips. S’mores are forgotten as he pulls up her shirt and wet raspberries fill the air.

  Brenna’s laughter goes straight to my heart. Watching her light up, happiness shining from her face—it’s an incredible sight.

  She plays with Brady until bath time, allowing me to chill out with a beer while I watch some TV. She has no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m so tired, I don’t even try to make a move on her when we go to bed. Lame, I know, but I think she appreciates it. She looks exhausted. I feel bad for not helping with Brady. I know she still gets tired easily, but I forget because she never asks for help.

  I pull her into my arms, kiss her forehead, and let the last of my energy slip away into the darkness.

  Day one of camp was blissful and I want day two to be even better, so we’re going to Santa’s Village. It’s going to be Brady’s first time at an amusement park. Brenna and I have never been here, but the reviews are great and friends have told us there are lots of rides for little guys. All Brady had to hear was Santa. He ate his breakfast so fast, I’m not sure he even chewed. He jumped around the table, asking if it was time to go while Brenna and I ate. We had to practically wrestle him into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

  In the car, Brady kicks his feet and throws his hands in the air. Brenna sings the songs on the radio. I join in on the fun, bopping my head as I drive. We have our own little party going on. A few heads turn our way as people drive by and I could care less. If they were as happy as we are, they wouldn’t be rubber-necking or making faces.

  After twenty eight minutes of being in the car, a giant Santa comes into view.

  “SANTA!” Brady screeches so loud, I’m surprised we have any windows left in the vehicle. “I want to see Santa!”

  “We’ll take you to see Santa, sweetie,” Brenna says, smiling back at him, “but first, we have to park and walk over there.”

  “Let’s walk now, Mommy!”

  We both laugh at his excitement. I’m excited too. I can’t wait to share today with my family. Brenna made me put two extra sets of batteries in my pocket. I don’t know how many pictures she thinks she’ll take, but I wasn’t about to argue. I think she’s a little excited, too.

  “Very soon, buddy,” I say.

  I park and grab Brady’s stroller while Brenna gets him from his car seat. He has a ton of energy, but we both agreed he’ll probably get sore feet. He doesn’t want to, but we talk him into the stroller. It’s easier to cross the street this way. As soon as we’re in the park and Brady sees an elf statue, he’s out of the stroller, squealing while he runs up to it. Brenna pulls out the camera and starts snapping away.

  And so it begins…

  Brady points out two more elves and starts bee-lining for one. It’s going to be fun keeping up with him. Brenna beams as she watches and my heart fills. I’m so glad I came up with this idea. Somehow, we drag Brady away from the elves and start walking up one of the paths where we come to the Elf University. Of course we go in. Our little man needs to go to school. The professors give Brady a lanyard with a Christmas tree on it. The ornaments are letters. They instruct us to stop at all the elves and get the letters punched, and after we’re done, to come back to get a diploma and prize.

  “I know my letters,” Brady shouts, smiling at the ladies.

  “You do?” one of them asks, smiling back at him.

  “Yeah,” he answers.

  “Well then, you’ll like our elves. All of them have a letter on their shirts. Do you know why?” Brady stares at her, curiosity shining in his brown eyes as he shakes his head no. “The letter on their shirt is the first letter of their names. Make sure Mommy and Daddy tell you all the elves’ names, okay?”

  She ruffles his hair and he gives her a big grin before we head out. We walk back to the three elves we saw at the beginning of the park and get his tree stamped. Now, it’s time to find some rides. Brady starts jumping around again. On our way to the first ride, we come to a giant snowman. Brenna’s mom collects snowmen, so we know we have to get pictures with it. I tell her and Brady to go sit on the snowballs next to the snowman and I take a few shots of them cuddling and acting silly.

  Our first ride is the Reindeer Carousel. Merry-go-Rounds are boring, but it’s a ride Brenna can go on, so I’m happy to start here. A lot of today she’ll be standing around, watching Brady and I. Dr. Wendell told her she can’t go on most rides because she can’t have her head and neck jerked around. It sucks. Brenna and I used to go to amusement parks for fun dates. She always hated roller coasters and Ferris wheels because she’s afraid of heights, but she went on just about any other ride—even when she didn’t want to. She would white knuckle it and try to cover up her nerves, but I saw it and would squeeze her thigh or kiss her cheek. Whatever it took to calm her.

  Those days are over.

  On the Reindeer Carousel, Brenna and I take turns passing the camera between us so we can both get pictures with our son. He hams it up. I love this age.

  Before the line gets too long, we go to Santa’s home for a visit. Brady starts vibrating with energy the closer we get to Santa’s room. The walls are lined with pictures of his reindeer and we read all their names. We start to hear Santa talking and Brady squeals. “That’s Santa. I hear him.” Other kids are squealing too, and parents smile all around me. A few don’t, and to me, those are the parents who need to adjust their attitudes. Your kids are only small for a short period of time. Enjoy every minute. I’d tell them that if it didn’t take away from my kid.

  Mrs. Claus welcomes us to her home and walks Brady over to Santa. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him smile so big. His hair is out of control today, his light brown curls sticking out everywhere. When Santa offers to lift him into his lap, Brady jumps up there, earning a loud, “Ho, ho, ho,” from Santa. Brady glances at us, awe all over his face. Brenna’s face is buried behind the camera, catching every moment. Thank God for this woman. I would have never thought to take pictures of all that.

  There are a couple elves helping out the Claus’s. One hands the kids a candy cane while the other takes pictures. Brady gets his picture taken and then says he wants one with Mommy and Daddy. I see Brenna’s heart melt at his words. We each step to a side of Santa’s chair and say. “Cookies!” when prompted. The photographer elf hands us a
card as we walk by, explaining that we can go see the pictures in the lobby.

  Of course we bought some. Magnets and keychains, too. They saw sucker written on our foreheads and showed us the biggest package first.

  There were lots of rides Brady could go on and he loved every one. We managed to get him to ride in the stroller in between which was a good thing. The park was bigger than we thought. It’s not huge, but for a two-year-old, it’s a lot to walk the whole thing. There were a few rides Brenna could go on. I tried hiding my smile every time she was able to go on something, but she caught me. Every damn time. Before today, if she didn’t know I’m head over heels for her, then she sure as hell has it figured out now.

  A few times, Brady asked why I was having more fun with him than Mommy. She laughed and told him I’m a big kid and she doesn’t like to see me pout. He thought it was funny to call me little boy every time I got on a ride the rest of the day. Three quarters of the way through the day, Brenna got really excited when she saw the Himalaya ride, and my heart broke. This was her favorite ride at all the other parks, though it’s normally called the Matterhorn everywhere else I’ve ever seen it. I’m not sure why she even likes it so much, but she always has to ride it.

  She surprised me when she tapped me on the shoulder, said, “We’re breaking a rule today,” and handed me the camera. She grabbed Brady’s hand and got in line with him. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I only need one: priceless. Nothing anyone could ever give or pay me could mean more than this moment. Seeing Brenna on the Himalaya with Brady, watching her laugh and trying not to squish him, hearing Brady squeal and Brenna laugh as the cars flew by me—it was the best. Every time they came back around, it was a reminder.

  She came back to me.

  I’ll never take life or her for granted again.

  We finish the day off riding the Skyway Sleigh. Of course, there’s a photo op on this ride too, and yes, we bought pictures here too. We did everywhere we had the chance. The Great Humbug Adventure, which I totally kicked ass at, and the Yule Log Flume, were a couple more picture money suckers. It sucked that Brenna wasn’t in that picture with us for the log ride, but she got some great shots of us and her gorgeous face was waiting for us when we got to the end. A couple new ornaments will go on our Christmas tree this year, courtesy of Santa’s Village. Brenna likes the snowflake one. I’m partial to the one resembling an ornament. She joked it’s because I’m boring, and I chased her around the Reindeer Swings while Brady rode them.