Mine
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Rachel soaked in his words, soaked in the fact that she was actually spending uninterrupted time with her father for the first time since before high school, and felt her anger with him simply dissipate, melting away like a pat of butter on a steaming-hot roll. The lump returned, much to her chagrin, but she held it in check long enough to utter two words very clearly.
“Me, too.”
Chapter Nineteen
Rachel knew that April was a hit-or-miss month in upstate New York. You never knew what you were going to get from one day to the next. You could be plunged headlong into spring without an iota of looking back. Or you might be lassoed around the neck on your way to spring and be yanked roughly backward, back into the dark and icy cold of winter for several more weeks, Mother Nature’s last laugh of the season, big tease that she is. Many a blizzard or ice storm has been written into the weather history books in the month of April. It was a crapshoot.
This particular early-April morning was gorgeous—unusually so—and Rachel took a giant breath of the crisp, fragrant air, filling her lungs with the promise of spring and flowers that were soon to bloom. It was a little bit too soon for the smell of fresh-cut grass, but the anticipation of it was enough to bring a smile to Rachel’s face.
She folded her arms and leaned against the car, soaking in the silence as she watched Courtney from several yards away. The pleasantness of the air and the chirping of the birds helped to alleviate any discomfort Rachel was experiencing. Cemetaries were not among her top five places to visit on a Sunday morning, but as long as she didn’t concentrate too closely on the scattered headstones, she could almost pretend she was in a park.
Courtney crouched down and Rachel watched as she patted the grass, obviously testing for wetness. She shed her nylon windbreaker and laid it down, then took a seat. Though curious about what was being said or thought about, Rachel respected Courtney’s need to be alone, especially today.
April seventh.
Theresa’s birthday.
So much had transpired in the past several months…so much and hardly anything. They’d fallen in love, that was certain. Rachel had fallen harder and faster than she ever thought possible and it took her a while to simply accept it as fact. Jeff had to beat her over the head on several occasions, but she finally learned to listen to him and to relax a little bit.
“Even control freaks need a break every now and then,” he’d said, tossing a teasing wink her way.
“I’m not a control freak.” She sounded completely unconvincing and she knew it.
“Yeah. Okay. Whatever you say.”
Smiling now as she recalled the frequent conversation, she sent up a prayer of thanks for the people who loved her and looked out for her. Emily, Jeff, and now Courtney. Bless her heart, she’d never pushed, never demanded. Frankly, Courtney had issues of her own, and she told Rachel one night after they’d tiffed over Rachel’s propensity to shut down that she never wanted to be the pot calling the kettle black…that the best they could do was talk to one another and try their best to understand the other side. It wasn’t always easy, but they were managing.
The crunching of gravel under tires pulled Rachel from her ruminations and she watched as the dark Jeep coasted to a stop. Two familiar figures hopped out.
“Hey, Raich.” Mark waved in her direction, a modest boquet of flowers clutched in his other hand, and headed off toward Courtney.
Lisa crossed the distance between the cars and leaned up against the BMW next to Rachel, folding her arms and mimicking her stance. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Yep.”
“It’s kind of tough, huh?”
Rachel chewed on the inside of her cheek for several seconds, absorbing the words before giving an affirming nod. “A little.” She felt Lisa’s eyes on her, but didn’t turn to meet her gaze. Across the grass, Courtney stood and Mark wrapped her in his arms.
“I mean, here’s this person you love, who loves you, but a couple times a year, her focus goes fully and totally to some other woman.”
Rachel didn’t respond, tried not to bristle, not to let Lisa see how painful that truth sometimes felt. At the same time, she reminded herself that if anybody in the world had an accurate handle on Courtney’s feelings with regard to this subject, it was Lisa. They stood in silence, watching their respective partners visit their lost loved one. Rachel wondered what was going through Courtney’s mind, what she’d say to Theresa if Theresa could really hear her. At the same time, she wasn’t sure she really wanted to know.
After a while, Mark turned away from the headstone and headed back their way, his eyes downcast, his demeanor somber. When he reached them, he held his hand out to Lisa. “Want to get some breakfast?” he asked as she entwined their fingers.
“Love to.”
They bade Rachel their good-byes and strolled hand in hand back to Lisa’s Jeep. As Rachel followed their departure, Courtney called to her. “Sweetie? Would you come here for a minute?”
When she arrived to stand next to her, Courtney took Rachel’s hand and squeezed it. Tear tracks were visible on her cheeks and she sniffed once, quietly.
“How’re you doing?” Rachel asked, her voice low as if she was afraid of disturbing the occupants of the grounds.
“I’m good,” Courtney replied. “You?”
“I’m good, too.”
“Good. I just wanted you here with me for a bit. Is that okay?”
“That’s more than okay.”
They stood holding hands in silence in front of a large, glossy, charcoal-colored headstone. Rachel read the words that were carved artistically into the granite.
Theresa Maria Josephina Benetti
April 7, 1971—January 18, 2004
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Partner, Friend
“She was lucky to have you.” Rachel’s tone was certain.
Courtney seemed to soak in the words. “I was lucky to have her.”
“You were.”
“And now I’m lucky to have you.” She leaned against Rachel, holding her arm tightly and laying her head against Rachel’s shoulder. “I can’t believe she’s been gone for more than three years.” She blew out a heavy breath and was silent for several long moments. Finally, she spoke again, softly. “Thank you, Rachel.”
“For what?”
“For being here. For being patient. For being you.”
Rachel kissed the top of her head. “You’re welcome.”
“I get it. You know that, right?”
Rachel turned and looked at her. “Get what?”
“That it’s hard for you. That it’s unfair to you.” Courtney cleared her throat, her focus on the headstone as she spoke. “That you sometimes feel like you have to share me with a ghost. That it makes you feel helpless because when I travel down Memory Lane, willingly or unwillingly, there isn’t much you can do or say to bring me back to you until I’m ready. That you spend so much time waiting me out.”
Rachel swallowed and looked off into the trees. Maybe Courtney did know how hard the waiting was for her, how difficult it was to just be patient.
“It sucks and I don’t like that I do it,” Courtney went on. “But Theresa was and always will be a part of me. And you know that and you do your best to accept it. And you have to know that I love you even more for your willingness to accept it. I just want you to know I’m so grateful that you do what you can to understand.”
“Understanding doesn’t always make it easier.” Rachel’s voice was low, barely above a whisper.
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
Rachel turned toward Courtney and when their eyes met, she spoke. “Do you know that I…that despite how hard it can be, I would never want to take her from you? That…I know you had some of the best years of your life with Theresa, that I know you loved her with all your heart?” She smiled. “Am I a little jealous about that? Of course I am. I’m human. But I’d never want to take it from you, that time, that lo
ve. Never.”
“You wouldn’t?” Courtney’s voice was small. “I guess I just always figured it would make life so much easier on you if my relationship with Theresa had never existed, you know?”
“It doesn’t mean that’s what I’d choose.”
“You wouldn’t? How come?”
Rachel’s voice cracked slightly as she responded. “Because I love you so much. Dummy.”
A laugh burst from Courtney even as tears coursed down her cheeks. “I love you, too.” Then she repeated her earlier line, sounding even more certain than before. “I am lucky to have you, Rachel. You’re a keeper.”
“Yeah, well.” Rachel made a face. “Sometimes I’m a keeper. Sometimes, I’m just annoying.”
They stood in the quiet, their arms around one another. After a few minutes, Courtney brought her fingers to her lips, kissed them, then pressed them to the top of the headstone. Turning to Rachel, she asked, “You ready to go?” She picked her jacket up off the ground and wiped the stray blades of grass from it.
Rachel remembered their next stop and growled low in her throat, which made Courtney laugh. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Just concentrate on the Bloody Marys, baby, and you’ll be fine. You’ve been doing great. I’m proud of you.”
This would be the third Sunday brunch in the past two months that they’d enjoyed with Ted Hart and his girlfriend, Marie. As far as Ted and Rachel making amends, it was slow, achingly slow, progress, but it was progress nevertheless. Courtney and Marie had hit it off immediately, and Rachel suspected they did a lot of patting one another on the back after each successful get-together.
Rachel felt a satisfied glow wash over her as they sauntered back to the BMW, Courtney’s pride warming her from the inside. “Marie does make a kick-ass Bloody Mary, that’s for sure.”
They piled into the car and Rachel turned over the engine. As Courtney buckled her seat belt, she asked with a mischievous grin, “Can I have your celery stick?”
Rachel smiled at her, feeling such a profound sense of love that it almost brought tears to her eyes. She reached across the center console to touch Courtney’s face and stroked her thumb over her cheek. “You can have anything of mine you want, Courtney. Anything at all.”
About the Author
Born and raised in upstate New York, so close to the border she's practically Candian, Georgia Beers has been writing since she was old enough to hold a pen. Her first romance novel, Turning the Page, was published in the year 2000. Since then, she's written four more and has no intention of stopping anytime soon. Her fourth novel, Fresh Tracks, was presented the Lambda Literary Award, as well as a Golden Crown Literary Society Award, for Best Lesbian Romance of 2006.
She lives with Bonnie, her partner of thirteen years, and their two dogs. The eldest of five daughters, she has a slew of nieces and nephews to keep her on her toes. She is currently hard at work on her sixth novel, Finding Home, to be published by Bold Strokes Books in 2008.
You can visit her on the Web at www.georgiabeers.com.
Table of Contents
Synopsis
By the Author
Acknowledgments
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
About the Author