Romancing the Nerd

by Leah Rae Miller

  Tommy’s last announcement breaks into my thoughts. “I’ll need volunteers for a mission tonight. Know that the mission is treacherous but the rewards are high.”

  Perfect, that’s just what I need for the XP.

  “Who will lend us their bravery?” Tommy asks, channeling Gandalf the Grey.

  I throw my fist in the air and shout, “You have my shield and ax!” But my words have an echo. I look to my left and see Dan scowling at me, his fist in the air as well.

  If I wasn’t concerned with getting a butt-ton of XP this game, I’d drop out of the mission this very instant. But I will not be cheated out of my next level-up by Dan-freaking-Garrett.

  Tommy motions for the volunteers to follow him into the kitchen, or “the war room” as he calls it.

  “Have fun, you two. Don’t kill each other,” Logan calls out as we walk behind Tommy.

  In the “war room,” it’s me, Dan, a fairy I’ve only seen a couple of times at the game, and a vampire who’s been playing for years. So, it looks like I’ll be sticking by the vampire while trying to protect the fairy who can’t possibly be advanced enough for this mission. And all the while, I’ll be trying to not punch Dan in the throat. Just another fun night of pretend life.

  While Tommy runs to his room to get reference books and stuff he’ll need to prepare for this, Dan whips out his phone. A few seconds later, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Of course Dan couldn’t wait to bitch about something to effyeahFinityGirl.

  I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but when I’m there, I almost resist the temptation to check Dan’s message. Curiosity wins out fast, though. I’ve just got to hope he’s not about to reveal something super juicy about the vampire in our group or anything. I like to think I’m good at this game but when it comes to separating things I know out of character from things I know in character, it gets tricky.

  Dantheman: Remember that girl I was talking about? The one I blew it with and now she hates me?

  Why does he want to talk about this now? Whatever, I guess I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

  Me: Vaguely, why?

  Dantheman: She’s here and she still hates me and now we have to go on a mission together.

  Chapter Seven

  Dan

  Tommy comes back with all the stuff he needs to give us our mission. Jason, a.k.a. Gregor the vampire, has been playing this game since before I ever joined, so it’s going to be tough to outdo him.

  The fairy’s name is Julie, and she’s very excited to be here. “I’ll probably die but that’s okay because just the experience is great, ya know? And I love your armor! Where did you get it? I went to a Renn fair once and there were some awesome knight guys on horses and stuff. Their armor was pretty cool, too. Have you ever been to a Renn fair? You should try it.” And on and on she goes.

  My phone dings, so I have a reason to step away from Excited Julie.

  effyeahFinityGirl: What are you going to do?

  That’s the question of the night, isn’t it? When I got here, I reminded myself that even if I saw Zelda, I wouldn’t engage. I would ignore. I would not care. Then I saw her and my normally cold, black heart rebelled. Apparently it doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that I can just forget about her, because the second she comes into view I wish she didn’t straight-up hate me. And that’s exactly the situation with her. I don’t care what Logan or Maddie say. I talked to them when I got here and saw Zelda bouncing from person to person in the backyard. The whole time she fidgeted with that helmet.

  “She really needs to just take that thing off before it causes her to fall or something,” I’d said. It was just an observation, but Maddie blew it way out of proportion.

  “Aw, you’re protective of her. You two are adorable. Go talk to her.” She shoved me surprisingly hard in the back.

  “I am not protective of her. I’m a conscientious observer. Don’t you know how clumsy she is? She basically supports the Band-Aid and ice pack industry,” I said, dodging Maddie’s attempts to get me to move in Zelda’s direction.

  In the end, Maddie pulled out a play that was hitting below the belt to get me to go talk to the girl. “So, you’re afraid of her then?” She tilted her stupid head and crossed her stupid arms.

  Logan literally gasped.

  The story of how Maddie figured out that one simple statement could get me to do anything is a long and complicated one involving a vintage Playstation 2 game and Maddie’s inhuman ability to kick everyone’s ass in it. We all have those irrational things that can really get under our skin, no matter how thick said skin is. Someone insinuating that I’m afraid is my thing.

  So, I tried to make conversation with Zelda. And it ended horribly, as all our interactions seem to. I’m not surprised at the way things went, just disappointed. Which is why I messaged FinityGirl. An outside opinion would be welcome at the moment.

  Me: What am I going to do? I have no idea.

  Zelda finally comes back from the bathroom, and something is a little off, but I can’t get a read on her. She won’t turn her face fully in my direction. Then Tommy jumps into the mission at hand and it’s time to put everything else aside. I’ll put Zelda’s loathing, along with Maddie’s ability to mind control my behavior, over on this shelf marked “deal with later.”

  We follow Tommy to the stairs that lead up as he speaks. “A pecan farm a little outside the city limits has been inexplicably turned into a labyrinth.” His British accent has gotten a million times better since the last time I was here, I’ll give him that. “The council is concerned, even though no one has been stupid enough to enter the maze and get themselves killed. Yet.” He crosses his fingers, signifying that he is talking “out of character” as he says the next bit. “You’ve probably all seen this place before. It’s a large field filled with really old pecan trees. They are planted in rows with the grass trimmed beneath them. Sometimes the owners let the cattle run free in the field, their hulking bodies snorting beneath the gigantic barken trunks, their breath visible in the dewy morning air as the sun rises over—”

  I hold my crossed fingers up and interrupt him. “Dude, can we get on with it? Your third year creative writing class is doing wonders for your descriptive prose, but I’m ready to smash some skulls.”

  It takes all I have to not squeak in shock when Zelda actually seconds my statement with a fervent nod.

  Tommy sighs and flips past one, two, three of the notecards he was reading from. The dude must really be digging those writing classes.

  “Okay, here we go. Those fields you knew so well have now changed. A heavy fog cradles the area and the trees are surrounded by a very tall stone wall.” He removes the tape and sign saying Off-limits from the posts at the bottom of the stairs. “This is the only entrance. What do you do?”

  I speak up, knowing how this stuff works. “I walk the perimeter, looking for weak spots.”

  Gregor the vamp flips his long cape, which I’m pretty sure was made out of curtains, over his shoulder. “I fly up and test the space above the wall using the ‘Danger, out thee’ power.”

  “I go through the entrance,” Excited Julie says, but before I can tell her, no no no, don’t do that, Zelda puts a hand on her shoulder.

  “Let’s wait here for them. We should explore all the possibilities and be cautious. I use my abilities of tracking in combination with heightened senses to investigate the entrance.” Zelda pulls out her character sheet from the inside of her helmet and I could kick myself. It was sitting on my head at the same time as I asked her for it.

  She shows it to Tommy and his eyes widen a little. “Wow, I didn’t realize you’d pumped this up so much. How long do you want to keep these abilities active?”

  “Until I’m down to one power point.” She grins. That little minx is a smart cookie. She’ll be able to know about anything and everything around us while we go through the maze. She’ll catch the scent of an enemy, hear the twang of a trip wire or the click of a hidden door
opening. To be honest, she just positioned herself as the most important asset to the group.

  Tommy nods and flips through his notes. “All right, Craytor, you find no weak spots. Gregor, you take two points damage when you test the space above the wall. Do you want to keep trying?”

  Gregor shakes his head then pulls out a small black velvet bag. He removes two deep red marbles from it and puts them in his pants pocket. Silly vamps, they always have to make a scene even over losing two tiny life points.

  “Bronla, you find an inscription next to the entrance of the labyrinth. It says, ‘Heed my warning, forbidden is the center. The mist is forming and the night is storming. It would be folly to enter.’ Who’s doing what now?”

  After much bickering, mostly from Gregor, who keeps trying to use all his super special powers for no reason, we all finally decide to just enter the maze. Tommy leads us up the stairs and we fight nasty creatures along the way. Everyone holds their own, except for poor Excited Julie. By the time we make it to the upper floor, she’s down to her last health potion.

  Every room upstairs represents some scary portion of the maze, and Craytor dominates no matter what we go up against. Then Zelda does something suspicious. She takes Tommy aside and they whisper for a bit before coming back to the rest of the group.

  There is no way I’m going to let that slide, of course. “What was that all about?”

  She adjusts her helmet for the millionth time. “None of your business, imposter.”

  And there she goes with the automatic hostility again. “Well, sorry. Why do you keep calling me an imposter?”

  She lets out a frustrated sigh and follows the others to the next room/cave of death.

  I literally throw my hands up. I’m so done with this game of hers. I don’t deserve this. My cold, black heart returns to its old self.

  Zelda

  Does he really need it explained to him? Do I have to be the one to tell him that he lost his nerd cred a long time ago?

  Dan comes into the room and leans against the wall, arms crossed. Whatever, I can’t be distracted right now. The big baddie battle is next, and it’s going to be Bronla’s time to shine.

  I know that the final battle is about to happen because there’s only one room left on the second floor. The house hangout room, as the guys who live here call it, has been decorated as sinisterly as possible. Apparently, college guys think ominous equals a ton of candles, most of them scented and none of them the same scent, and red twinkle lights. It does the job.

  Tommy tugs on his earlobe, which is our agreed-upon signal, so I casually go over to talk to him. Earlier I’d asked him to tell me in private if my enhanced senses caught anything, especially a trap of any sort. The secret signal was his idea, though. He does have a flare for the dramatic.

  He whispers, “Bronla’s senses prickle and she notices a vicious-looking vine covering the wall. Your level of monster knowledge is high enough that you know it’s Thief’s Menace.”

  “Which wall?” I ask.

  “To the left of the entrance.”

  “You mean the one Craytor is leaning against right now?” I ask, not even trying to hide my excitement.

  Tommy nods. “Yes ma’am. You should probably warn him. Do you?”

  How shitty would it be of me if I didn’t warn him? One of the big things you learn when you start playing this game is that unless your fingers are crossed, your character is doing and saying whatever you’re doing or saying. Dan should know not to touch anything unless he’s completely sure it’s not dangerous. Or maybe he’s so confident in his character’s abilities that he thinks he can take on anything and he doesn’t have to be careful. Yes, that’s the vibe I’ll go with. He needs a reminder. It’ll make him a better player in the end if I don’t warn him.

  I shake my head in the negative.

  Tommy must take pity on Dan/Craytor because he asks, “Dude, are you leaning against the wall like that in character?”

  Dan shrugs. “Yeah, sure, whatever.” He pulls out his phone and taps away at it.

  I’m feeling really good about my decision to not warn Craytor about the dwarf-killing plant he’s currently snuggling against. Then my phone vibrates.

  While Tommy goes over to supervise the fight that’s about to happen between Craytor and the Thief’s Menace, I check my messages.

  I admit, it was a bit of a shock when I realized Dan had been talking about me—that I was the girl he thinks he blew it with. Okay, fine, “a bit of a shock” is an understatement. It was like watching a movie and everything is calm, the characters are having a boring conversation, then BAM: explosions, death, destruction, nothing will ever be the same again!

  It took me a while to get my breathing under control, and my brain turned to mush for a good five minutes. Hell, realizing that he even thinks about me at all was… Disturbing? Unbelievable? A revelation? Basically, I have no idea how to feel about this. And for a while at the beginning of the mission, I thought that maybe I could ease up on him. Then he started being really cocky, killing all the enemies with one swing, pretending he was our leader, and I lost all sympathy for him. And this new message doesn’t do him any favors.

  Dantheman: That’s it. I’m so done with this girl. I’ve tried being nice. I’ve tried making conversation and all she does is call me an imposter and I don’t get it.

  Being nice? Sure, he complimented my helmet, but that was canceled out by an immediate jerk maneuver. And if he thinks “making conversation” equals pushing past me to take on a fight I obviously had under control, while saying, “Let me handle this, sweetheart,” he’s horribly mistaken.

  I decide to not respond to his message because I don’t trust myself to not reveal my identity in some way. I mean, if I were to say what I want to say, which is, “Are you sure you’re not being a raging toolbag to this girl?” he might get suspicious.

  “Okay,” Tommy says as he positions himself in the middle of the room, “while you all were looking around the room, Craytor was captured by a Thief’s Menace. He fought it and won, but he was poisoned by the Menace’s thorns and is at a severe disadvantage.”

  I glance over my shoulder at Dan. Slowly, he holds up his crossed fingers and mouths the words, “I hate you.”

  I smile and cross my fingers, too. “Sorry. Just playing the game, dude.”

  He rolls his eyes and I turn my attention back to Tommy.

  “You’ve entered the Sphinx’s lair. The creature’s snores echo through—”

  Gregor interrupts Tommy with crossed fingers. “Don’t you mean a minotaur? There was never a sphinx in a labyrinth.”

  Tommy goes quiet and stares at the ceiling for a second. “Well, there’s a sphinx in this one, okay? Can we just get through this?”

  Gregor shrugs.

  The final battle involves a riddle, but no one knows the answer, so we just attack. Dan/Craytor is knocked unconscious pretty quickly. Gregor tries to use all his special powers, but his dice rolls are horrible so he doesn’t succeed in much. He runs out of magic juice fast. My rolls, on the other hand, are so on point, it’s ridiculous. I’m cracking this thing’s skull left and right. It’s critical hit after critical hit, and it’s glorious. I’m even distracting the thing sufficiently enough that it’s not paying attention to Julie, whose little zaps of fairy magic aren’t doing much damage at all.

  Even Dan’s stupid peanut gallery comments don’t affect me…that much. Most of it is him doing that thing where he knows that I know what I should do next, so he says it right before I do it to make it seem like he’s coaching me. So annoying.

  “Drink a health potion!” he yells.

  “I know.”

  “Aim for the gem thing on his chest!”

  “I know.”

  “Turn on your ‘Resist confound’ prowess! I bet he has some sort of confusion power!”

  “I…know.”

  Okay, that last one was sort of helpful, but I’m not going to actually tell him that.

 
; Like these things usually do, it takes a good thirty to forty-five minutes to get the sphinx down to his last bit of life. Just as I’m about to finish it off, Julie decides to do something rash.

  She steps between Tommy and me. “I’ve got this, friend.” She’s totally not trying to steal the glory/XP points. She’s just trying to participate, ya know.

  “I fly at its face and unleash a swarm of fireflies with my last few magic points.”

  I admire her bravery but this is a bad, bad idea. Her swarm just won’t do enough damage to kill the sphinx, and this move will put her in its eyesight. It’ll turn its attention to her and she’ll die a horrible, confounded death. The sphinx will swat her to the ground with its cat paw and squash her like a mosquito.

  I have a chance to save her, though. Every power takes a certain amount of game seconds to occur. I know the swarm takes ten seconds. My most powerful spell takes seven. My health is already so low that I can only take one maybe two more hits from this thing and this spell will totally deplete my magic points.

  It’s perfectly in line with my character’s levels of loyalty, bravery, and goodness that she would potentially sacrifice herself instead of letting this noob fairy die.

  “Wait! My spell will precede hers!” I yell like I’m really inside an echoing chamber with all kinds of explosions and battle sounds going on around me. “I cast ‘Straight and True’ on my hammer and throw it at the gem.”

  I hear a gasp that would normally be inaudible, but it’s as loud as a gunshot because Dan’s mouth is directly next to my ear. I jump and turn to him. His eyes are glued to my character sheet, which I’ve been holding this whole time.

  I hug it to my chest and shove him away. “Stop peeking!”

  “Are you sure you want to do that? You’ll be dead in, like, one turn if you don’t roll above a”—he looks at the ceiling and does some mental calculation—“a thirteen! That’s not lucky at all. That’s the definition of unlucky, Z.”