THAT DARN SQUID GOD

by Nick Pollotta

  "That's done it," Mary said cheerfully, dusting off her palms. "We have about a minute before it goes, or maybe less, so let us depart."

  Tossing away the hammer, Professor Einstein grasped the handle of the emergency escape hatch and pulled, but the metal plate refused to move. Trying once more, he noticed that the rim of the doorway had been buckled, either by the squid, or by a detonating British artillery shell.

  In stuttering fury, the riveted seams in the dome popped open with a sound like machine-gun fire. The squid hooted even louder as the whine of the alien engines took on a deadly urgency.

  "We're doomed," the professor said as his shoulders slumped. "There's nothing in heaven that can possibly force that hatch!"

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  With a screech of tortured metal, the door swung aside. Lord Carstairs tossed the broken handle into a corner.

  "Then again, I could be wrong," Professor Einstein finished lamely.

  Looking through the open hatchway, the sweating people could see the writhing tentacles entwined about the rusty legs. Groaning in protest, the struts began to bend.

  "Quickly now, follow me!" Lord Carstairs said, climbing through the hatch.

  Swinging his body back and forth to gain momentum, the lord sailed through the air to grab a metal leg. Rapidly, he slid down to land atop a mottled tentacle. Scrambling past the smacking suckers of the writhing limb, Carstairs safely tumbled to the lawn of a flattened house. Looking up at his friends, the lord waved them on.

  Without hesitation, Mary dove through the crimped hatchway and clumsily repeated the movements, except that her journey ended with a gentle thump in the arms of Lord Carstairs. As they stole a brief kiss, Professor Einstein bounced to the ground at their feet.

  A shadow engulfed the three explorers, who turned to see the Squid God blocking out the sun. Shooting death rays out of its eye, the squid breathed fire from its mouth, while the writhing tentacles slapped the softening dome harder, and ever harder. Pink steam shot out of the open hatch of the engine room, just as the interior of the dome began to glow red-hot.

  Exchanging brief glances, the three explorers turned and ran for their lives.

  "Head for the river!" Professor Einstein yelled, his skinny legs pumping. "The water should offer some protection!"

  "Exemplary, sir!" Lord Carstairs shouted.

  "Shut up and run!" Mary ordered, ripping off the encumbering engineer's apron. Scandalously hitching up her skirt, the woman took off at a full sprint, in spite of the heavy cast on her leg.

  Being properly raised British gentlemen, both Einstein and Carstairs averted their gaze from her naked knees, and concentrated on heading pell-mell for the nearby Thames River.

  Out of the corner of his vision, Professor Einstein saw a team of horses pulling a fire truck along the bank of the river. Jammed in the back were a dozen soldiers holding torches and oil lanterns. Stopping for a precious second, the professor tried to wave them away, but the group was too far away to hear. With a heavy sigh, Professor Einstein turned his back to the brave soldiers and resumed his mad dash. Any second now …

  An enormous hoot split the air, and somehow Lord Carstairs got the feeling it was directed at them. Checking over a shoulder, the lord was chilled to see the Squid God coming their way with the vibrating Venusian war machine still entangled in its suckered limbs.

  With a Herculean burst of speed, Carstairs rushed forward to grab the elderly professor and the wounded Mary in his arms. Hugging them close, Lord Carstairs charged for the river, as the shadow of the giant squid cast them into darkness. His legs pounded against the hard ground, and his heart felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest from the strain. Honor demanded his all, but love asked for even more. Lord Carstairs pushed beyond the pain, forcing himself to go faster, ever faster, until the world became a blur of motion. There was no passage of time, and no sound, except for the pounding of his shoes.

  Unexpectedly there came the strong smell of gardenias from Mary's tousled hair. No, wait, the lord frowned, that was from the professor's pomade. Now that is a rather fey perfume for a proper British gentleman to be using. Rather!

  Suddenly airborne, Lord Carstairs realized he must have gone straight over the embankment. Looking down, the lord saw the shimmering expanse of the Thames River just as a blinding flash of light filled the world.

  A rush of air slammed into the falling explorers, shoving them into the water even as a growing peal of thunder reached intolerable levels. Plunging beneath the churning surface, Einstein, Carstairs, and Einstein separated, and stroked deep into the river. Bright lights from above streamed into the murky water, closely followed by a wave of tingling warmth that spread downward only a scant few yards in their wake.

  Reaching the river bottom, the explorers headed for the rusted-out hulk of a sunken tugboat. Lying on its side, the craft offered easy access through its smoke stack. As the humans swam inside, a school of trout darted out and was decimated by a rain of debris falling from the surface. The tugboat was hit by a piece of the dome, and the wooden hull exploded into silt and splinters. Something hard bounced off the iron smokestack, and the submerged explorers covered their ears from the strident ringing. Each clang rattled their teeth, and made them shake in an unpleasant harmonic response.

  Outside the mouth of the iron tube, Professor Einstein, Lord Carstairs, and Mary Einstein watched as glowing chunks of twisted metal and semi-molten stones streaked past. Leaving contrails of bubbles in its turbulent wake, the wreckage impacted the riverbed with countless dull thuds. The meteoric strikes stirred up dark clouds of mud that eerily rose like inhuman hands, only to bend with the gentle current and stretch out of sight.

  Bizarre lights continued to play along the surface of the river. But the maelstrom of destruction soon slowed, and finally stopped completely. Their lungs were bursting at this point, but the explorers forced themselves to stay below as long as possible.

  Another minute, then two. Starting to turn slightly blue, the three nodded at each other and gamely swam for the surface. Heading for the opposite bank, they thrust only noses above the water and greedily sucked in the fresh air.

  When their hearts had stopped pounding, and the black spots had left their vision, the trio swam under the water until reaching the reeds along the opposite bank. Carefully emerging among the muddy plants, the dripping explorers saw that the far embankment was a swirling hellstorm of smoke and fire, with a mushroom-shaped cloud rising into the sky. The booming echo of the titanic blast still rumbled through London like thunder in a distant valley. Buildings had been flattened for blocks, and a dozen more structures were burning out of control. But there was no sight of the Venusian tripod, or of the Squid God.

  "Looks good. But we better check to make sure," Mary said stoically. Diving back into the water, the woman began swimming across the choppy river, leaving a milky contrail from the dissolving cast in her wake.

  "Lord, I certainly hope that it's dead," Professor Einstein muttered, starting after his niece in a stately dogpaddle.

  "Bloody well has to be," Lord Carstairs growled. "What could possibly have survived that blast, eh?"

  The statement was logical, but the professor kept a close watch for any untoward movements along the disheveled shoreline, as they got closer.

  Reaching the smashed embankment, the explorers crawled along a jagged crack and finally reached what had formerly been a street. Dripping wet, the three people clambered over heaps of rubble to reconnoiter the steaming blast zone. The smoke grew thicker as they approached, and then cleared away completely to reveal a huge crater in the ground. Bubbling molten lava filled the yawning depression.

  " Finito, " Professor Einstein sighed in relief.

  "Good show, my dear," Lord Carstairs stated, straightening his sodden necktie. "Your plan worked flawlessly."

  "Like Hell it did!" Mary cried, pointing a finger. "Look there!"

  The men turned and gasped. Only a block away was a two-foot tal
l Squid God weakly crawling along the ruined street.

  "You son of a bitch!" Professor Einstein cursed, drawing his Adams .32 pocket pistol and pulling the trigger. But the river had seeped into the cartridges, rendering them as useless as votes in a monarchy.

  With a single bound, Lord Carstairs leapt upon the monster in a rugby tackle and pinned a tentacle under his boot. More surprised than hurt, the squid thrashed about and hooted angrily. Grabbing another tentacle, the lord whirled the squid around and dashed it to the ground. Completely unharmed by the impact, the creature bounced off the cobblestones and came back to smack Carstairs right in the face. The lord staggered away with blood gushing from his broken nose.

  Landing on its eight tentacles, the squid started racing for the river. With a savage shout, Professor Einstein tackled it hard, carrying them both across the broken sidewalk and through the remains of a glass window. Rolling about on the floor of the clothing shop, Professor Einstein ignored a pair of scissors and, instead, grabbed a shard of window glass to stab the squid viciously. But only red blood flowed from his own cut hand as the makeshift dagger rebounded from the magical creature.

  Like green coals in the dark, the two eyes of the little squid glowed with hatred. Soft beams shot out to engulf Einstein. He could feel his very life force - his soul - dwindle under the twin death rays. Dropping the glass, the professor raised a hand as a shield. The squid smashed him in the knee, the bones breaking audibly. Biting back a cry of pain, Professor Einstein fell sideways, and kicked out with his good leg to drive the beast away.

  It was a noble effort, but the furious squid snatched another shard of glass and advanced upon the helpless professor.

  Appearing through the smashed window, Lord Carstairs shoved the stainless steel barrel of the Webley .44 into the mouth of the monster and pulled the trigger. The massive handgun boomed, the blast making its eyes bulge out. But then the squid crunched on the barrel with its parrot-beak. Caught in the act of firing, the gun exploded. Carstairs was thrown backwards to land sprawling on the street, bleeding from the hand and chest.

  From out of nowhere, a decorative garden rock flew through the air to smack the Squid God directly in the head. With an inhuman burble, the stunned monster dropped and went limp.

  "Uncle, help me!" Mary cried, throwing her only other rock. The rough projectile caught the squid between the eyes and it crooned woozily in pain. Grabbing onto a tentacle, the woman tried to keep her weight on the good leg. Walking was becoming very difficult as pieces of the cast were peeling away from the soaking in the river, exposing the wooden sticks and leather straps underneath. But that was merely a framework to hold the plaster, and not designed to support her.

  As the squid started to rouse, the professor hobbled closer and grabbed another limb to spread the beast wide. Outraged over the simplistic ploy, the squid struggled wildly in their grasp.

  "Get a weapon, lad!" Einstein yelled, bracing himself with his undamaged knee. "Kill this damn thing before it escapes!"

  Rising weakly from the cobblestones, the lord looked for the previously used garden rock, but it was nowhere in sight. Stumbling along, Carstairs searched the decimated suburb for some kind of a natural weapon. Nothing made by the hand of man would do. Cobblestones were carved by hammer and chisel, bricks were baked in an oven, house timbers were cut by saws, broken glass, frying pans, forks, an axe, boot scraper, horse whip… Damn, civilization! Are there no more ordinary rocks? Is there nothing natural and not formed by the hand of Humanity that I can use? Nothing at all?

  Inside the crumbling building, Mary and the professor were starting to lose the tug-o-war with the outraged squid. The deadly beak in its belly snapped at them both, nipping cloth and skin, while the horrible eyes threw out sparks that singed painfully. It was blatantly obvious that the squid was starting to regain its strength, unlike the rapidly tiring humans.

  Oozing slime from every pore, the squid wriggled in their grasp. The suckers on its tentacles made hungry wet noises. Professor Einstein struggled to maintain his balance, but the pain of the broken joint was excruciating. Slipping on a broken roof tile, the professor lost his grip and landed sprawling on the floor. Free at last, the squid brutally smacked Mary to the ground. The breaking of her ribs made a horrible noise.

  For a precious moment, the squid looked down at its fallen adversaries, its beak snapping hungrily in triumph. Then the monster turned away to undulate toward the window and the world outside. Freedom is more important than a snack right now. Revenge will come later. Oh yes, nothing can stop it now!

  As the squid climbed over the windowsill, a bare-chested Lord Carstairs charged inside the store, brandishing a burning tree limb held in his cloth-wrapped hands. Roaring in unbridled fury, the lord rammed the jagged end of the untrimmed branch into the squid until it came out the other side.

  Skewered like a shish kebab, the dangling squid went stiff, every twitching tentacle splaying outward. Its parrot-beak emitted a keening howl of anguish. Green blood gushed from the hideous wound. The viscous fluid burst into flames as it touched the burning branch.

  Snarling grimly, Lord Carstairs held onto the branch, his grip involuntarily going weak from the mounting waves of heat that emanated from the spreading fire. Soon, the flames covered his bandaged hands. The pain was incredible, and Lord Carstairs felt the urge to retch at the smell of his own roasting flesh. But surrender was not an option for the lord. Carstairs knew that the fate of the world was being decided right here, and right now. Nothing could make him stop!

  "For Queen and country!" Lord Carstairs snarled, lifting the branch higher, hoping the flames would consume the squid before destroying his hands.

  An unexpected telepathic plea for life reverberated in the lord's mind, closely followed by offers of countless riches, unlimited power, eternal life, absolute knowledge, and all the mates he could ever wish. Anything! Everything!

  In utter contempt, Lord Carstairs filled his mind with thoughts of sweet Mary and slammed the squid against a brick wall to grind the flaming branch in deeper.

  Reaching out with every tentacle, the squid pulled loose bricks from the wall and hurled them at the lord, breaking a rib and cutting open his bare shoulder. Spitting in the eye of the squid, Lord Carstairs ruthlessly moved the sharp end of the branch around inside the beast, seeking its evil heart.

  More blood gushed from the wound. Screaming and hooting, the squid again sent a telepathic plea for its life, along with a promise of eternal friendship, and then of ruling the world together! Concentrating all of the power of his Oxford-trained intellect, Lord Carstairs mentally told the beast exactly where it could jam the offer without the use of any decent lubricant.

  Growing weaker, the squid feebly beat at the lord with its tentacles. Then it insanely ripped open its own wound to squirt blood onto the branch, sending the flames back towards Carstairs. Angling the stick, the lord searched for the heart higher in the head of the horrible thing, crushing and smashing every organ he could find.

  Wildly flailing, the squid cast a miniature lightning bolt at the bleeding shoulder of the lord. Literally galvanized, Lord Carstairs hissed at the searing contact, but stood his ground as his flesh sizzled and charred.

  Suddenly, the squid turned partly invisible, then became a miniature Venusian, and next a weeping human baby!

  Ruthless as a Lord High Executioner, Carstairs slammed the squid against a nearby tree, and then against the brick wall once more. Again and again, the lord jabbed the branch into the thrashing body. With a rippling visual effect, the illusion of a baby vanished and the squid was revealed once more, blood dribbling from every orifice. Twisting the fiery branch like a drill, Lord Carstairs ignored the pain in his fingers, and stabbed once more into the beast.

  Shuddering all over, the squid violently spasmed, its eyes rolling upwards into the misshapen head. There was an incoherent telepathic scream, its tentacles flexed, and the Dutarian Squid God went completely limp.

  Yeah, right . Scr
aping the rubbery corpse off the tree limb with his boot, Lord Carstairs decided to take no chance of another trick from the clever mollusk. He proceeded to stab as many more holes as possible into the nightmarish animal lying on the sidewalk, until it started to resemble old chutney.

  Still not satisfied, the lord kept going until the jagged end of the branch splintered on the paving stones from the heavy blows.

  "W-well d-done, lad," Professor Einstein said weakly, shuffling through the open doorway of the destroyed store. "I t-think you c-can stop now."

  "We want nothing to remain of the thing!" Carstairs mumbled through his broken nose. "Can't chance another regeneration."

  "Burn…in the store," Mary panted, hobbling closer with both arms wrapped around her chest. "Accidentally blaze…natural heat…"

  "Yes!" the lord cried. Lifting the slimy corpse on the branch, Carstairs shambled inside the building.

  The endless bolts of fabric revealed that this was a dressmaker's shop. The blast from the exploding Venusian tripod had set the place ablaze. Perfect. The cloth was man-made, but the fire was accidental and should fulfill the requirements of a natural weapon.

  Finding the largest pile of flaming dresses, Lord Carstairs thankfully released the branch and let it fall into the lacy conflagration. The remains of the pulped body sizzled like rancid lard before puffing into greasy smoke.

  With a clatter of bells, a fire engine came charging round the crumbled frame of a factory down the roadway. The horses were gone, so the fire-wagon pumper was being hauled by a rag-tag crew of dirty soldiers.

  "Too late, lads," Professor Einstein panted, leaning on the doorway of the building. "It's all over."

  Shrugging off the horse harness, a filthy corporal looked at him with a puzzled expression. "What was that, sir?"