My life and loves Vol. 3

by Frank Harris

  "As soon as I stand up," she replied, "I get giddy. I think I had better lie back."

  So I got her another chair and lifted up her legs onto it before covering them over with the rug.

  "What pretty legs you have," I began.

  She pulled a face at me and said, "They are like everybody else's, I suppose."

  Her gesture amused me.

  "Indeed they are not" I said; those were not the days of short dresses, but her dress was short and her legs were beautifully molded. "I believe you wear your dress short," I said, "just to show your lovely legs."

  She drew up in the chair at once and said quite angrily, "It isn't true; I hate short dresses. Aunt keeps me in them, but I know when I go back to my mother in New York I shall have long dresses. I am a woman, not a child."

  "A very young woman," I remarked to pique her.

  "That's all you know about it," she said. "What age do you think I am?"

  "About thirteen," I said.

  "Oh, you pig," she cried, "I am nearly fifteen."

  I had only said thirteen to get her contradiction and so I confessed to her, and then said, "But how long do you want your dresses to be?"

  "Down to my ankles."

  "Why don't you get long dresses?" I asked.

  "My aunt won't let me," she said. "I make her look old already; she says everybody takes her for my mother; she's my mother's younger sister. She loves me and is kind to me, but she wants to keep me in school dresses as long as possible because long dresses would make her look old. But now take your hand away."

  "My hand isn't doing any harm, is it?"

  "It is, too," she said, "It keeps me nervous, and it has gotten up above my knee.

  Now, please."

  I followed her imperative wish and took my hand away, saying, "You might let me see whether you are a woman or a child."

  "You must take my word for it," she said, laughing at me.

  "I needn't," I said, and I put my hand on her breast. It was more mature than I had thought, rounded and firm, though still small.

  "If you are rude," she said, "I shall go away."

  "You won't either," I replied, "because you and I are going to conspire to get you into long dresses."

  "Oh," she cried, sitting upright, "how will you do that?"

  "Nothing easier," I said, "if you will give me your address in Paris. I am going to the Hotel Meurice in the Rue Rivoli, and either you will come to me or I will go to you; probably it would be better for you to come to me some morning, as the Rue de la Paix is quite close to my hotel and I can take you to Worth or one of the famous dressmakers and get very pretty dresses made for you. Then we will try them on and if they are all right, you must appear in them before your aunt one day and give her no chance of refusing you. She can't put you back in short dresses afterwards."

  "Oh," cried Grace, again sitting up in her excitement, "that would be splendid; wouldn't it cost a great deal? Would you really do it?"

  "Of course I would," I said. "We will get you the prettiest dresses and hats and everything to match."

  "And a mantle," she said, "that makes one look so old. You know I am taller already than my aunt."

  "Sure," I said, "and far prettier. Do you know where you will be staying in Paris?"

  "Aunt wants me to go to school for one more term," she said, pouting, "but I don't want to go. I learn more French in one night at the theatre than in a week at school, and already I know it a great deal better than she does; in fact, they say I speak it rather well."

  "All right," I said, breaking into French, "then we will talk French and you must be like a French girl and not say 'don't' at every moment," and my hand again went under the rug.

  She wrinkled up her pretty little nose at me but didn't stop me; evidently the temptation of the dress was working, but as soon as my hand got near the danger point, she said, "Please, be kind; I want to like you, so be good."

  I said, "Just one touch and I will."

  "Oh, no, please don't," she said.

  "Just one touch to make sure you are not cheating."

  She smiled, and the next minute I had made sure. But as her face clouded and she drew back looking really hurt, I took my hand away at once and kissed my fingers and thanked her, which brought the smiles back again to her charming face.

  If I have not managed to convey the impression of her courage and charm, it is because these qualities at their finest are indescribable: they depend on the eyes and mouth as much as on the varied intonations of the voice, and even on the myriad changes of attitude.

  Needless to say, all the way to Paris I took care of the aunt and niece; I brought food and wine into the carriage at Calais and insisted that they should eat, and we all had a very pleasant meal together. The lady told me that she was going to an apartment in the Rue Copernic which I found out was near the Bois, and I arranged to call for them, a few days later, to take them to the theatre.

  I said I would find out the best play and call for them on Friday, this being Monday. We became great friends, and accordingly, when we got to Paris, I sent my baggage by a special messenger to the Hotel Meurice, while I drove the aunt and niece in a carriage to the Rue Copernic. When the aunt went in I got the opportunity of telling Grace to come to me on Tuesday or Wednesday, and she said that she would certainly come at eleven o'clock in the morning on one day or the other.

  Next morning I got a little note saying she would come on Wednesday, and on the Wednesday at eleven o'clock she came to the hotel. I had everything ready and took her at once to Worth. She had, I believe, one of the pleasantest hours of her life: the woman who fitted her complimented her on her figure, called her "Madame" to her intense delight, and told her it was ridiculous to wear short dresses with her lovely form, and measured her with the utmost particularity, showing off her hips at the same time, with a side glance at me of complete understanding. She did the same thing when she was measuring her bust and recommending a new corset-maker.

  "When should the evening dress be tried on?" I asked, for I had ordered a morning dress besides and one for the afternoon.

  "They will all be ready this week; if Madame comes on Thursday morning," she said, "I can deliver them by Friday evening; but Madame will have to get the new corsets at once."

  Needless to say, I took her round to the corset-maker, but alas! she was not nearly so complacent. She took Grace into a private room to undress her and I was not allowed in until the corset was fitted, fortunately for Grace, unfortunately for me; but the model of the corset was becoming and Grace was enraptured at the idea of going to the theatre in full dress as a woman and not as a child. When I got into the cab to take her home, she kissed me of her own accord very willingly, and when my hand got naughty again she didn't say anything and left her lips on mine.

  "You have closed drawers," I said, "you cheat."

  She burst out laughing: "I wouldn't have let you put your hand up if I hadn't known that."

  Well," I said, "at any rate, when the new dress comes home, you must wear the other sort of drawers. You never heard my joke about them?"

  "A joke?" she repeated. "No!"

  "The English," I said, "talk a great deal about free trade and the freedom of trade with every country in the world, whereas the Americans believe in protection and protective tariffs to favor their own manufacturers."

  "I have heard that," she said, "but I don't understand very well what it means.

  I hate politics!"

  "There was once a young fellow in London," I went on, "who made money by selling photographs which showed a good deal of the girls' figures, and so I proposed to him to make two photographs in one and sell them together as Tree Trade' and 'Protection,' the Free Trade girl with drawers on that were open; the girl labeled Protection had closed drawers such as you wear. The jest caught on and he made a fortune out of it and gave me a thousand pounds for the idea. He sold over a million postcards in a month. Tree Trade' and 'Protection,' you see."

  Grac
e laughed with all her heart and kissed me.

  We parted having arranged that I should come early to take them to the theatre, because we intended to dine before the theatre; Grace assured me she would be ready when I called.

  I went to the Rue Copernic about six o'clock, and when I went up to the second floor, Grace admitted me herself in full rig, looking ravishingly pretty.

  When we went into the sitting-room, the moment the door was closed my right hand went up her clothes to convince myself, and I found that she had adopted Free Trade and was indeed a woman, passionate as well as very pretty. In a minute or two she asked me to stop, but when she kissed me with hot lips I felt able to ask her to come again to the Hotel Meurice next morning; my sitting-room was on the ground floor just by the door on the left and she could come in without being noticed and I would meet her. She promised to come.

  We had a great night at the theatre; I took them to see Rejane and they both fell in love with her. The aunt told me when I asked them to supper that I had done quite enough. "I am sure the long dress was your idea," she said. I took all the blame of it and said that they looked like sisters now, which won the aunt's heart.

  Next morning Grace came to my hotel.

  How am I to describe it, those first hours spent with Grace? When she came into my room, I began to take off her cloak while she laid her hat aside, but when I wanted to undo her dress she resisted. In vain I begged and begged: evidently she had made up her mind before coming in, so at length I gave in and kissed her, saying, "I wanted to see your breasts: I know they are lovely and you won't let me."

  "It wouldn't do you any good to see them," she said smiling. "What nice rooms you have here."

  "I always have the same," I said, "but never before such a lovely visitor." Then I opened the door into the bedroom and drew her in. As she looked around curiously, I put my arms round her legs and, lifting her up, carried her to the bed. The next moment I had thrown up her clothes and buried my face between her thighs.

  "What are you doing?" she cried, but as I began kissing love's sweet home and the little red button, involuntarily she opened her thighs and gave herself to the new sensations. As I felt her responding, I drew her nearer to me a little roughly and opened her thighs fully. There never was a more lovely sex, and already the smaller inside lips were all flushed with feeling, while soon pearling love-drops oozed down on my lips.

  I kept on, knowing that such a first experience is unforgettable and soon she abandoned herself recklessly, and her hand came down on my head and directed me now higher, now lower, according to her desire.

  When the love-play had gone on four or five times and I stood up to rest, she said gravely: "You are a dear and gave me great pleasure, but do you like it?"

  "Of course," I said. "Even old Montaigne knew that the pleasure we give the loved one is more than that we get,"

  "Oh, that's my feeling," she said, "but how am I to give you pleasure?" In answer, I took out my sex. She touched it curiously, drawing back the skin and pushing it forward: "Does that give you pleasure?"

  I nodded. "But this," and I put my hand on her sex, "could give me much more; but I don't want to hurt you."

  "Why not?" she asked. "I'm not afraid and I'd love to give you pleasure."

  "It's only the first time that hurts," I said, "after that we both have the pleasure without pain."

  "Is there no danger of a child?" she asked. "I'm ashamed to say that it would not stop me, but I'd like to know."

  "No danger," I said, "if I take care."

  "I trust you," she said, "my darling," and she gave me her lips.

  "Undress," I said, "dear heart; I want to see all your loveliness unveiled, and I'll undress too."

  Grace rose without a word and was undressed to her chemise and stockings by the time I had thrown off my clothes. "This naughty chemise," I cried, lifting it up and feasting my eyes on one of the loveliest figures I had ever seen-with small child breasts and great swell of hips and thighs and bottom set off by the smallest waist and perfect small sex-half-fledged-a creature made for love!

  I put her on the side of the bed and tried to enter; she was tiny: I could only put in my first finger with difficulty, and even that brought some blood; but by this time my desire was rampant, and she met me by putting up her legs and giving me every opportunity. Soon the head of my sex was in her.

  "Does it hurt?" I asked, and Grace's answer was to put arms about my body and legs about my hips and strain me nearer to her.

  "One body," she said, "and one soul." The next moment we were coming together and thrilling.

  A little pause and I lifted her up and taught her the use of the syringe with warm water, which almost avoids all danger. When I had explained it, she laughed delightedly. After two or three more embraces, she cried that it was getting late and she must get back. As she put on her new corset and the long dress, she exclaimed roguishly: "I deserve the long dress now, don't you think?"

  "A dozen of them, you darling," was all I could find to answer. We were in each other's arms all the way to the Rue Copernic. As we entered the house, she turned to me gravely. "An unforgettable afternoon: you are a dear lover and I am proud of having won you."

  "And I," I exclaimed, "am humble for the first time in my life-humble with the sense of a greater sweetness than I have deserved. Goodbye, darling, till tomorrow."

  "You don't want to see my aunt?"

  "No, no!" I said. "I want to keep the memory of you alone and relive every golden moment." Her eyes dwelt on me and she was gone, leaving with me deathless memories and pictures of exquisite loveliness that can never fade.

  Why am I able to picture her now after thirty years? I forget nine out of every ten girls I have had in my life: why do I remember the tenth? For something extraordinary either in body or spirit, and Grace is memorable for both-the exquisite girlish figure, the bold self-abandonment, and the divine words of passionate affection! She taught me never to generalize Tennyson's statement in Locksley Hall: … All her passions matched with mine Are as moonlight unto sunlight, and as water unto wine.

  I don't need to tell in detail how I came to know Grace's aunt, Mrs. Sterling, more intimately. It began with her asking me to come to dinner with them and go afterwards to the Theatre Francais. We dined at the Grand Hotel and went on to the theatre, and they were both amazed that I was able to go behind the scenes and visit the green room.

  I held forth about Nice and its beauties till Mrs. Sterling said she would like to spend a month there, if I would play guide to them. I declared honestly enough that nothing would give me greater pleasure, and so a couple of days later we were all quartered in the Hotel d'Angleterre, which has since become the Hotel Ruhl, at Nice.

  I managed that all our rooms should be communicating and I took the middle room, as I said, to protect them. About one o'clock the first night I entered the side-room where Grace was sleeping. I turned up the light, pulled down the bed-clothes and lifted up her chemise: she was ideally beautiful, and the little silky triangle in front deserved all my attention. Scarcely had I begun to kiss her when she awoke:

  "Frank," she whispered, "I was dreaming of you." In five minutes I had brought her to spasms of pleasure and as her lips were all creaming I threw off my pyjamas and went into her arms. I don't know why, but I never had more poignant sensations; already Grace was an incomparable mistress, taking delight in every movement that could increase the pleasure, and not afraid to take the initiative.

  I studied her sex afterwards to find out if possible how she managed to give the ultimate pang of pleasure. Her sex was very small and well-made; the inner lips especially were tiny and used to glow very red with the excitement, but the magic lay in the passionate nature of the girl and her intense desire to do whatever I wished.

  Next day I took them to Monte Carlo and showed them the casino and the gambling, but they both disliked the vice for very different reasons. "Greedy old women and nasty old men," said Grace, whereas the aunt noticed t
he favoritism of the croupiers and the chefs de partie. We drove home by La Turbie and the Upper Corniche, the famous road made by Augustus Caesar.

  At dinner that night Mrs. Sterling let her foot rest against mine. Of course, I had already seen that she was pretty and well-made and still fresh; but forty never appealed to me like fourteen, and I had no wish to change Grace for her aunt. But what was I to do? That night, as I was getting into bed, Mrs.

  Sterling knocked lightly on my door. I put out the light and crept into bed and pretended to be sleeping. Again the tap, tap! I jumped out of bed. "Who's there?" I cried, while bolting the door into Grace's room, and then went over and half-opened the door into Mrs. Sterling's. She was standing with a dressing-gown about her, halfway between the door and her bed.

  "Is there anything the matter?" I said.

  "There are such strange noises in this hotel," she said. "Some one knocked at my door and I was scared and knocked at yours."

  "First-rate!" I cried, putting my arms round her and kissing her. "You want me?" and I drew her to the bed. She shed her cloak and in a trice I had lifted up her nightie and put her on the bed. She had taken care of herself and had not let herself get too fat, but her figure was nothing like so lovely as that of Grace. Still I had to win her, so I stooped at once to conquer and began kissing her sex. In two minutes she had come three or four times with a hundred "ohs" and "ahs" and sobbing exclamations. "Did your husband ever kiss you there?" I asked.

  "Never, never," she said. "He used to have me, but he had always finished before I really began to feel: now you excite me dreadfully and give me intense pleasure besides. Was he right, I wonder-my husband, I mean. He used to say that tall women were so much better than short ones because they were smaller there; do you think it true?"