No, you don’t.
“What’s wrong, Cole?” Becky asks me.
“Nothing,” I growl.
Deke waves her off and chimes in. “He’s just pissy ’cause Austin isn’t here for him to hang all over.”
Becky looks at me for a few seconds, her crystal blue eyes watching mine, and I look away. Noticing the white walls and students walking in, I hear them talking about their nonexistent lives. I feel her eyes on me, and I look back at her. Yep. Still staring. “Do you have something you want to say?” I snap.
“Do you and Austin have plans this weekend?” she asks, ignoring my anger.
“Why would we have plans?”
“Because you guys are dating,” she says simply.
“Babe, I told you it’s not like that,” Deke says, shaking his head. Then he gets up to grab their lunches.
She leans forward, and I hold in a sigh. “I see it written all over your face.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve gone to school with you my entire life, Cole.” She lowers her voice. “I’ve seen you lose people you love.” My fists clench. “And I’ve seen how you look at her. I’ve seen a change in you.” I snort. “The other day, when she and I were standing outside the gym waiting for you guys to finish your meeting …” She looks down at the table. “I asked her how she was doing. If she was okay. I felt like something was wrong with her, but she blew me off and said she was just tired.” Her eyes meet mine. That explains why Austin jumped out of the car and tried to walk home. Becky got to her. “She lied, of course. I could ask you if you’re okay, and we both know you would lie too. But I know you better. Known you longer. I’ve watched you lately, and although I think you have hurt her, I also think you protect her.”
“Becky …”
“I see how you pull her tighter when Kellan walks into a room. And some would just chalk that up to being possessive, but I think it’s more than that.”
“Like what?” I can’t help but ask.
“Even the devil catches feelings, or he wouldn’t go into rages. Even he knows how to love.”
“Stop! I don’t love her.” What the fuck? Has Deke warped her mind?
“Maybe not love. But I see the way you kiss her in class and in the halls. How you touch her, not caring who is watching. I see the look in your eyes when she isn’t around and she consumes your thoughts. It’s written all over your face. Like right now.”
“And?” I ask, wondering what she sees. If she can read me that well.
“And you’ve always been the kind of guy who would burn this town down if given a reason.” She sits back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest. She smiles at me. “And Austin is your reason.”
AUSTIN
I lie on the couch, watching a rerun of Gilmore Girls, when I hear the front door open and shut and then Phillip’s voice. “Where is your mother?”
“How the hell should I know?”
He walks over to me and knocks my feet off the couch and plops down next to me. He leans into me, grabbing my arm.
“Don’t touch me,” I snap, yanking out of his hold.
“Come on, Austin. You’re gonna miss me. I know I’m gonna miss you.”
I roll my eyes and stand, walking to my room because I know he’s drunk. Just as I shut my door, it’s shoved open and hits the interior wall. I spin around before he throws me onto the bed. “Get off me!” I shout.
“You know you want me, baby,” he growls.
I lift my knee between us and aim right for his balls. He cries out when I make contact. “Get off me.” I shove him, and he hits the floor with a thud.
“Little bitch,” he growls.
“Honey?” I hear my mom call out to him, and the front door open and close. She enters my room seconds later. Her green eyes narrow on me and then they go to Phillip. “What happened?” She runs to him. “Did you do this to him?” she demands, helping him sit up.
I stand by my bed, my hands balled into fists and my body physically shaking.
“What did you do?” she yells at me as he gets up to his feet.
“I’m gonna teach you a lesson …” He comes for me, and I grab the lamp off my nightstand and throw it, hitting him right in the face.
My mom cries out as he hits the floor once again. “Get the fuck out and don’t come back!” she screams at me.
I grab my purse and phone, and jump out my window before it’s too late for me to get away.
That was the day before they shipped me off to Oregon. That was the most aggressive he had ever gotten with me. I’m not sure how far he would have taken it, but I didn’t wait to see.
I went out and partied all night. It wasn’t hard to do since it was New Year’s Eve. I went to a party, got wasted and smoked some weed. Then went home long enough the next afternoon to pack a couple of bags and take a cab to the airport. My mother didn’t tell me bye, and she didn’t call. Not until days later when she wanted to know if I had seen my father and could send her money.
They’ve been on my mind a lot since I walked out of the clubhouse last night. My conversation with Cole keeps playing in my mind, and it’s driving me nuts. I can’t understand for the life of me why he cares. Why he pretends. Why can’t we just decide we hate one another but want to fuck and leave it at that? I hate that he had Deke record us, but I can’t be mad for what he said. Everyone there knew what we were doing in that bathroom. And of course, I’ve done it multiple times with him since then. And let’s not forget the fact that he touches me while at school. I kiss him. Fuck, the other day I moaned while in the hallway between classes. He hasn’t forced me to do anything when it comes to sex. I’ve done all that on my own.
He’s such a mystery. And that’s what draws me to him.
To be honest, I’m comfortable with the violence. I’ve seen it all my life. My mother has dated her boyfriend for over fifteen years, but they never got married. It’s all him. She would have done it in a heartbeat. He didn’t want to be tied to someone who had a kid. Another reason I think she always tried to get rid of me.
In a way, Cole is like me. We both do what it takes to survive. We’re just fighting two completely different battles.
But Cole has taught me that I can turn that pain into power. That I have the ability to stick up for myself. Even if I fail every time I go up against him, he has a strange way of encouraging me. This is just another level of hell, and I feel like I’m doing better at it.
I lean my head back, soaking up what little sun there is. Today is the first day of my three-day suspension, and I chose to do nothing but hang out in the pool. Celeste had a date with some girlfriends and asked me to join her, but I declined, wanting to spend it alone. Even though it is a cloudy day. It’s Oregon, after all, and we’re right on the ocean. Gloomy seems to be the norm. But I like it.
I’ve got a black bikini on that has silver hoops connecting the sides on the bottoms and straps for the top. It’s going to give me terrible tan lines, but I’m not really concerned because I don’t think I’ll get much with the clouds. Plus, I’m already pretty tan.
I hear the back door open, and I sigh. “Did you bring me leftovers?” I ask Celeste as I place my hand down and run it through the water, turning around.
“I skipped lunch.”
“Cole?” I ask when I see him standing by the pool. Wearing a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, he has his hands in his front pockets. “What are you doing here?” I ask, my eyes darting to the door to see if he came alone.
He walks over to the lounge chair and sits down. He bows his head and runs his hand through his dark hair.
“Everything okay?” I ask, not expecting an answer.
He looks up at me. “I can’t … I can’t get you out of my mind,” he admits softly.
“What?”
“What you told me at the clubhouse last night. I can’t forget it.”
I sigh. “Cole, please—”
“Just hear me out,”
he interrupts me.
I get off my raft and swim over to the edge, placing my forearms on the side. His blue eyes watch every move I make, and I can’t decipher the look.
“I knew someone who was taken advantage of. She was strong, but I still saw it eat at her.” He looks away from me. “I hated not being able to help her. To save her from the memories. And the betrayal.” He swallows. “She was like you. Had no one.” His eyes come back to mine, and I try to swallow the knot in my throat. “You know I would have never let Deke touch you, right?”
I look away from him because no, I didn’t know that. That night in the cemetery and then again at the clubhouse—he never made a move to stop him.
“Kellan?” I can’t help but ask.
“I was testing him.”
“What does that mean?”
He runs a hand through his hair. “He wants you, Austin.”
“Yeah, dead like the rest of you.” I snort.
“No. He wants between your legs, sweetheart. Deke was baiting him. I had to follow through.”
My eyes drop to my hands on the wet concrete, avoiding his gaze.
He sighs heavily, and I glance up at him. He’s staring down at me. “Just know, I wouldn’t let anyone touch you, Austin. No one but me.” I’ve never seen his blue eyes so soft. And I hate that it makes me feel warm inside as if someone actually wants to protect me. It’s crazy to think of Cole that way. Maybe this is just another one of his games.
“I want you to tell me—”
“I don’t talk about it,” I interrupt him.
His jaw sharpens. “Why not?”
I laugh like that was funny. “Because no one ever cared,” I snap.
He gets up and walks over to me. Bending over, he grabs my hand and lifts it gently. I have no other choice but to climb out of the pool as he pulls me up. He cups my face and pulls my body flush to his, the water soaking his clothes instantly. “I care.”
“Why?” I ask nervously. “You’ve hurt me. I’m not gonna tell you something just for you to play some sick game with me.”
“It’s not like that,” he growls.
“Then what’s it like, Cole? Because I’m getting a headache trying to figure it out,” I snap.
He takes a step back, running his hand through his spiked hair. His white t-shirt and jeans cling to his body. “Just tell me one thing.”
“What?” I ask, rubbing my temples. Not lying about getting a headache.
“Your mother sent you here to protect you, right? So he couldn’t touch you?” His soft eyes meet mine, and I can’t make myself hurt him. Not after what he told me about the friend he couldn’t help. He didn’t have to say her name, but I know he was talking about Eli’s older sister.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Austin.” He grabs my arm and pulls me back into him. “You just lied to me.” His eyes narrow on mine.
Teeth clenching, I argue. “No, I didn’t—”
“Stop lying!” he interrupts me. “And tell me the truth, Austin!”
My anger rises that he can read me so well. And now that he knows, he’s never going to give up. Cole is relentless. He does whatever he needs to get what he wants. “The truth? The truth is that she thought I dressed too provocatively around him. She didn’t like that I wore shorts in hundred-degree weather, and that he would stare at me when I walked through a room. She didn’t like that my jeans weren’t two sizes too big. She blamed me every time he touched me.” Angry tears sting my eyes. “She blamed me when she found me cornered in the kitchen and his hand up my shirt,” I scream, shoving him away. “She blamed me when she found him passed out drunk lying in my bed while I was out with my friends.” He stares down at me, his blue eyes dark and jaw sharp. “Is that what you want?” I shout and shove him again. “You wanna know that no matter what I did to stop him, it was never enough for her?” I gasp for a breath. “She didn’t care that I didn’t come home. She didn’t want me there anyway. That’s just what she wanted my father to believe. She didn’t care that I did drugs. She was the one who gave them to me. And she didn’t fucking care one thing about me.” The first tear falls down my cheek, and his blue eyes follow it.
He swallows. “Austin …”
“She didn’t care, Cole.” My voice cracks. “You were right. Is that what you want to hear?” I’m shaking, hating to admit that to him. “She chose him over me.”
He steps into me and wraps his arms around my waist. I bury my head into his soaked chest and bite my bottom lip to hold in a sob. To keep my emotions in check.
His arms tighten around me. “I’m sorry.” He breathes, kissing my hair.
The sincerity in his words makes me fail miserably. Fifteen years of silence rushes out like a dam breaking. And of all people to tell, I tell the one guy who can use it against me. He didn’t deserve the truth, but a part of me wanted someone to care for so long. Someone to tell me she was in the wrong. And that I mattered.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
COLE
SHE SOBS INTO my shirt, and I just stand here, holding her. Not knowing what the fuck to do for her.
I’m at a loss for words. And I’ve never felt this way before. Just yesterday, I wanted to rip this girl to pieces. But what I didn’t realize was that she is already ruined. She just hides it much better than I ever could.
I bend down and slide an arm under her legs and pick her up. I sit down on the lounge chair, and she curls up against my chest.
I look up at the cloudy sky, and my teeth clench. I don’t like situations I can’t control. And her mother and boyfriend back in California is something I can’t do anything about. Same with Bruce. What if he decides to say fuck our deal and send her back? What the hell do I do then? I can’t let her go. Not back to those worthless pieces of shit.
She calms her breathing and shifts in my lap, sitting up. I reach up and wipe the tears away from her face. And I feel guilty that I still find her gorgeous when she cries.
“You can go,” she says, standing up and dismissing me.
I grab her arm and stand as well. Cupping her face, I stare down into her watery eyes. I hold her cheek, but she looks away from me, biting her bottom lip. You can see the shame written in her eyes. She hates that she made herself look so weak in front of me. That I got her to break so easily.
I love it. Finally something that I can use to get close to her. To make her trust me more. Need me more. No more of this back and forth shit. Even though I liked her fight, I like this more. Holding her. No one has ever needed me before other than Lilly. And that’s a different kind of need.
But as her eyes come back up to mine, I realize that Becky was right. If she asked me to, I would burn this town to the ground for her. No matter who is standing in my way.
I press my lips to hers, needing her as much as she needs someone to protect her from her mother and the boyfriend.
And you.
I’m no better. I hurt her in other ways, and no matter how much I know it’s wrong, I can’t seem to stop.
She parts her soft lips and I kiss her gently, tasting her tears once again and they make me hard. I ignore my want to throw her to the lounge chair and rip off her bikini. Instead, I want to show her that I can be better. That I can be the one to save her. Even if it’s a false sense of security. Because I’m not the one who saves. I destroy.
She pulls away from me first. My hands drop to my sides, and she wraps her arms around her waist as if she’s protecting herself from me. Her instincts tell her I’m no good. That I would be no different from any other bastard who has hurt her. “Please go,” she says, averting her eyes.
For once, I do as she asks.
_______________
Not going to lie. Wednesday sucked not having her here at school with me. I like that I can kiss her and touch her whenever I want, but I haven’t spoken to her. I still don’t know what to say. I know better than anyone that words don’t change the past or heal the scars any faster. And I’ve never been one for chitchat.
Thursday hasn’t been any different. The day has gone by agonizingly slow. It feels like six in the evening, but it’s only lunchtime.
Deke is cramming food in his mouth like usual. Becky is scrolling through her phone, and I’m just sitting here thinking about Austin. About how I could be taking advantage of her three-day suspension. I could be in bed with her right now. Naked. My hands in her hair, her lips on mine. And the thought makes me hard.
“Hey, Cole.” Kaitlin Milton plops down beside me. Head cheerleader. Also a pain in my ass.
“Excuse me?” Becky says, placing her phone down.
Kaitlin ignores her. “I was wondering if you’re free tonight,” she asks, running her fingers down my arm.
“Excuse me!” Becky slaps her hands on the table and leans over it. “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” she snaps.
Kaitlin throws her a hard look, tossing her red hair over her shoulder. “I wasn’t talking to you, bitch.”
“Oh, that’s it …” She goes to crawl across the table, but Deke finally looks up from his food and grabs her arm, pulling her back to her seat.
“Not interested,” I tell her, pulling away from her touch.
She looks back at me and giggles as if I just told a joke. “Come on, everyone knows that what’s going on between you and that Ashley girl …”
“Austin!” Becky interrupts her.
“Whatever. Anyway, everyone knows it isn’t serious.” She rolls her brown eyes. “It’s just a dare.”
I stiffen, and Deke’s eyes narrow on her. We don’t make our dares public knowledge. If we wanted them to know what we did, we would spray-paint our names after we completed each one. They know we do them, but they think it’s some little bullshit we do to pass the time.
“Austin is not a dare!” Becky snaps.
Kaitlin rolls her eyes. “That’s not the word in the halls.”
“What are they saying?” Deke asks before I can.
DARE SERIES COLLECTION Page 18