You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice

by The Believer

  “Holes” Thomsen

  St. Louis, MO

  Dear “Holes”:

  Bravo, sir! Yes, a steel post through the fleshy sac of your manhood looms on the horizon. But take note: your body should reflect the ideal feng shui bagua. That means: metal left earring for creativity/children, wooden right earring for family/foundation, something shoved through your nose that’s on fire for fame/reputation, and a jug of water hanging from your ball post for career/life path.

  Tom

  …

  Dear Thomas:

  Will you settle a bet between my friend and me? He says that PoMo is shorthand for postmodern. I think it’s a deli sandwich that’s sometimes served with capicola and provolone cheese. Who’s right?

  Sam Hittleman

  Traverse City, MI

  Dear Sam:

  You’re both wrong. PoMo is either Brazilian surfer slang for “a Portuguese man-of-war” or DC slang for “a poor mosh pit.” For example: “That’s a PoMo, especially for a Fugazi show.” A capicola/provolone sandwich is called a Coppola.

  Tom

  …

  Dear Thomas:

  I want to get lipo and have the fat sucked out of my fat fucking thighs. But my boyfriend says I should save the money and use it to buy more books. Isn’t he just pulling my fat leg? What is more attractive—a well-read fattie or a stick figure who can’t spell her own name?

  Confused (and fat)

  Kansas City, KS

  Dear Confused (and fat):

  Bless you for thinking that men might like a well-read woman. We’re actually attracted to both stick figures and massive hoggies, but none of us particularly care about your reading habits, unless you’re reading books about how to give better blow jobs.

  My advice is: skip the books and the lipo and invest in a good pair of Spanx panty hose. It’ll create the illusion of toned, muscular thighs.

  Cheers,

  Tom

  Al Madrigal

  Dear Al:

  I’m completely broke and considering either donating my eggs or a career as an escort. Both of these sound like a good way for a girl to get cash quickly and easily. Which do you recommend?

  Hottie with Great SAT Scores

  New York, NY

  Dear Hottie:

  Look, I loved Pretty Woman as much as any straight male possibly could, but let’s be realistic. A Richard Gere type is going to come along at best once a year. Most of your average “clients” trolling for hookers are literally guys who have to pay for sex. That means a lot of physical deformities and dickheads. So, not only are you gonna see more than your fair share of eye patches and jaw-dropping eczema, you’re gonna get slapped by a lot worse than Jason Alexander.

  By the way, a prosthetic hand hurts way worse than a real one. So let’s support the culture of life and help create it instead of almost losing it three times a day.

  Al

  …

  Dear Al:

  I hate all the chemicals they put into bug repellents. Can you recommend a natural alternative?

  Itchy in Oregon

  Dear Itchy:

  Short of buying a hundred magnifying glasses and burning every bug in sight, why don’t you shut up and embrace science, you dirty hippie? DEET, like TV and the Internet, is good. The next time you want to go Into the Wild with a bag of flaxseeds and a dream catcher to tap into your inner Earth Mother, remember we didn’t cure polio with a drum circle and some patchouli oil.

  Al

  …

  Dear Al:

  Is a homemade tie-dyed T-shirt ever a good idea for somebody who uses deodorant and doesn’t enjoy jam bands?

  Dana in Jupiter, FL

  Dear Dana:

  Yes. But be careful, a tie-dyed shirt is gateway fashion. Without the proper level of awareness, a tie-dyed shirt can lead to Teva sandals and Guatemalan print shorts.

  Al

  …

  Dear Al:

  I may be going to jail soon and I’m just curious, is it more like the TV show Oz or the TV show Hogan’s Heroes? Or does it depend on the state? I just want to know what to expect.

  Randell

  Lubbock, TX

  Dear Randell:

  If you’re writing in to The Believer to ask this question, I would assume you’re not prison material. In fact it’s probably a good bet that you are writing this looking through horn-rimmed glasses while wearing a pair of skinny jeans. So when it comes to prison you can hope for Hogan’s Heroes, but you need to plan for American Me. Because, while we’d all like to think that lockup involves old men tending birds, whittling, hard-boiled-egg eating contests, and converting to new and exciting religions, it’s important for you to be realistic. Know this: you’re going to be assaulted physically, verbally, and mentally twenty-four seven. Good luck, and BTW, there is no shame in suicide.

  Al

  …

  Dear Al:

  For most of my life, I solved the majority of my problems by asking, “What would Jesus do?” But now I’m stumped. What do you suppose would be Jesus’ opinion of saddlebagging?

  Frank O.

  Asheville, NC

  Dear Frank:

  I am quite proud to admit that I don’t know what saddlebagging is, and I refuse to Google it. But we can assume that any act so depraved or ridiculous that it has to be given a cute nickname is more or less disgusting. While I’m not the most religious guy, even discussing the Judeo-Christian Lord and saddlebagging at the same time makes me a little bit uncomfortable.

  Al

  Aasif Mandvi

  Dear Aasif:

  I have a problem. My boyfriend borrowed my cat for a slumber party and is now refusing to return him. It’s been over a month. I go there enough that it’s not really a big deal, but I miss owning this animal. How can I make the cat come back without having a violent domestic dispute?

  Lumpy’s owner

  Providence, RI

  Dear Lumpy’s owner:

  Why on earth would you let your boyfriend borrow your cat for a slumber party? Does this even make sense to you? I can tell you why the cat will never return to you. The cat has been exposed to homoeroticism, and having now been exposed to this lifestyle with a group of young teenage boys, he is likely unable to return to your home and live a normal life.

  The boyfriend is not keeping the cat hostage. What has happened is this cat, now addicted to the sweet nectar of homo-deviant sexual behavior, is now unable to reenter society. I would say you shouldn’t visit your cat, because it will only bring heartache. As the cat’s need for more and more stimulating sexual adventures increases, you may find that he begins to peruse gay nightclubs and bars, and soon this could lead to a life of prostitution and drugs. That’s right, drugs. You need to forget this cat and get yourself a new, wholesome cat that has not been tainted by a wild night of slumber party games that involve prepubescent boys and a stick.

  Tough break, kid. Next time someone says, “Hey, can I borrow your cat for a slumber party?” I hope you’ll think twice before ruining another feline life.

  Aasif

  …

  Dear Aasif:

  I have body issues. I think I am a skinny person, but really have gained a considerable amount of weight since 2007. I don’t want to buy new clothes and I love to eat.

  What do I do?

  Fatty Threw a Party and Now Her Jeans Hurt to Wear

  Wichita Falls, TX

  Dear Fatty:

  Nothing. If you think you are a skinny person then you are. It’s not the outside that matters; it’s the inside. How you see yourself in your mind’s eye is how others will see you in the real world. If your clothes don’t fit you anymore, just act like they do, and guess what? They will fit you! If you are fat and want to be thin, then just tell yourself that you are thin. The greatest diet in the world is the one that takes place in YOUR MIND.

  I once met a woman whose pants were so tight around her obviously overweight ass and stomach that her jeans remained compl
etely unbuttoned to the point where the mall security guard had to escort her out of the mall. Do you think this woman accepted the reality of her body? Hell no! Did this woman let the weight win and buy new pants? Hell no! Did this woman say to herself, “I shouldn’t go to the mall if I can’t button my jeans”? Hell no! Did this woman say, “I am thin and these clothes fit me just fine because reality has nothing to do with what is real”? Hell yes! This is America! Go, girl! You’ve never looked so good!

  Aasif

  …

  Dear Aasif:

  Is it fair to force my dog to be a vegetarian?

  Lucie

  Asheville, NC

  Dear Lucie:

  I would suggest that you not “force” your dog to be a vegetarian, because forcing will get you into a power struggle with an animal. And that’s always sad to see, because as humans, we have all the money and the guns and the treats. Instead, you should use well-established training methods to teach your dog about the benefits of being a vegetarian.

  The key word here is “respect.” If you don’t respect the fact that your dog comes from a long line of meat eaters, you will not earn his trust, and in the end you won’t be able to manipulate his will. Your dog, if he is like other dogs, has probably been told that eating meat is part of the culture of being a dog. This is baloney. The problem is that eating meat is where his canine identity lies, just like chewing on bones and barking and chasing the mailman. All these things are part of his Current Canine Identity (CCI). However, having written an extensive pamphlet on the subject, I can categorically tell you that what’s needed is to Reverse His Canine Identity (RHCI). It’s been well documented that vegetarian dogs are smarter, less violent, and have fresher breath than their meat-eating counterparts. So, when you catch him chewing on a bone, replace it with a stick of celery. (Paint it brown if you have to.) If he notices and refuses to touch it, just leave the celery in his bowl until it turns into a brown, moldy liquid. Eventually starvation will kick in and voilà, you and your dog will be working together toward a mutual goal. If he barks, let loose a roar that is louder and more intimidating than anything he’s ever heard. In my case, with my dachshund, I purchased a cassette tape of a lion roaring from the National Geographic audio library, and I let it play at full volume, sometimes in the middle of the night, very close to his ears while he’s sleeping. It creates a nightmare association that’s quite effective.

  Once these few lessons have been learned, you’ll be on your way to having an obedient dog. Because of this method, I have a well-behaved and mostly mute celery-eating dog who whimpers whenever the mailman comes around. Good luck to you, Lucie. For more information and questions you can purchase my pamphlet at veggiedog.co.uk.org/whimper.

  Aasif

  Marc Maron

  Dear Marc:

  My mother-in-law hates me, but that’s not really my problem. I think I’m developing a crush on her boyfriend. Is that too weird? How soon should I tell my wife about these feelings, if at all? And is there a chance this has something to do with why my mother-in-law hates my guts?

  Giles Russo

  Durham, NC

  Dear Giles:

  You’ve got a lot of things going on here, on a lot of levels. Generally, when family is involved and there is so much unsaid, it is best just to come out with it abruptly and without provocation in the middle of a holiday dinner. It might even be good to offer to say a prayer before the meal and do a gratitude/confessional thing. The worst that can happen is that the meal turns into a mess of emotional chaos and everyone, for their own reasons, leaves the table and you are left alone eating your last supper as the man you were and your first supper of your new life with the muted sounds of crying and yelling drifting in from other rooms.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  My wife left me for a woman, and though I think I should feel terrible about this, my friends tell me that I shouldn’t take it personally. She isn’t rejecting me; she’s rejecting all men. I suppose they have a point, but am I wrong to think that I was dumped for reasons that have nothing to do with my penis?

  H. V. Bewley

  New York, NY

  Dear H. V.:

  The sad truth is that she was probably gay going in and you seemed like enough of a lesbian for her to try to snap out of what she hoped was a phase. I say get rid of the penis and try to get her back. You can do that now. I saw it in a special on HBO.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  I’ve been thinking about leaving the country ever since Bush was reelected, but I can’t decide on the right place to go. Canada is too cold, Mexico is too dangerous, nobody likes Americans (even expats) in France, and Britain seems as oppressive and fascistic as home. I’m out of ideas! Any suggestions?

  Sandy P.

  Somewhere in Iowa

  Dear Sandy:

  Don’t be a coward. Fight for your beliefs and your country. If you are that fed up with America, start your own country. If you have a little property and a vision, all you need is a constitution. Write it up, make yourself president, head of the military, chief legislator, and Supreme Court justice. Then create some uniforms that you can wear for each role. Build a Sandyland MySpace page and reach out to like-minded people who might want to become citizens. This is the DIY age, Sandy. Make technology work for you. Oh, and write a snappy national anthem and decide on a few regional tourist attractions to bring in some money. If you have a dog, there’s the Sandyland National Zoological Park. You get the idea.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  My boyfriend makes me talk dirty to him during sex, but I can’t think of anything to say that isn’t a cliché or doesn’t make me sound like a porn star. Can you suggest some conversational topics for sex that are both clever and filthy?

  Andrea Gordon

  Provo, UT

  Dear Andrea:

  Talk to him like you’re fifteen and having a fight with your father.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  My wife is pregnant, and though I love her and everything, she’s been kind of an asshole lately. I know it’s really because of the hormones, but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. How can I tell her to fuck off in the most polite, I-still-love-you-because-you’re-the-mother-of-my-child-but-c’mon-you’re-being-a-cunt kinda way?

  Jack Caldwell

  Chicago, IL

  Dear Jack:

  Just know that any missteps on your part during this harrowing period of pregnancy will be held against you for the rest of your life. Any action you take along the lines that you are thinking will be seen as selfish, immature, insensitive, and perhaps unforgivable. Be politically minded here. Have a little vision. Think about the future. Your wife feels fat, farty, unattractive, and uncomfortable. Do whatever she wants you to do and make her feel loved and sexy. Meanwhile, nourish your resentment of her. Store it and mold it into an emotional disposition that will make your new child love you more than its mother.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  I have a weird feeling that Bob Dylan’s “Tangled Up in Blue” was written about me. I’ve never dated, been married to, or even met Mr. Dylan, but some of the details in his song are just too eerily similar to my own life. I’ve worked in a topless bar for most of my adult life, and I’m fond of reading Italian poetry (yes, from the eighteenth century) to my boyfriend. Also, I don’t care for either homemade bread or small bank accounts. Am I just being paranoid, or is Dylan trying to get my attention?

  Anjanette H.

  San Francisco, CA

  Dear Anjanette:

  There is no doubt in my mind that you are absolutely correct about your feelings. To get some real clarity, begin a daily crystal meth regimen. Start out slow but do it until hallucinations induced by sleep deprivation become your guide. I think it will be clear that you need to follow Dylan—he’s always on t
he road—and when the time is right, corner him and tell him everything you are thinking. Try to maintain some charm through this process. If your hair and teeth start falling out, you’ve waited too long to make your move.

  Marc

  …

  Dear Marc:

  After twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly announced that she wants an open relationship. At first, it felt like I’d won the lottery. But lately it’s occurred to me that I’m a fortysomething man with a paunch, and she’s a trim hottie in her sexual prime. Am I setting myself up for disaster?

  Stephen Goldstone

  Jacksonville, FL

  Dear Stephen:

  It doesn’t sound like you have much of a choice. You only have a few options. I don’t know how you are set up financially, but you might want to get some Viagra and put an image together that would make younger women think that you are well-off and virile and dupe them into sex that way. Or you could level the playing field by finding a woman your own age, telling her what you’ve been through, and actually having an age-appropriate relationship. My fear is that you will be left no choice but to unintentionally reveal your fear and desperation to your current wife and tell her she can do whatever she wants as long as you are part of it somehow. Then you spend the rest of your life quietly masturbating in a closet while she fucks a seemingly never-ending parade of men in your bed. The only way this scenario can end is, a day comes when you wrap your lips around the end of a shotgun. On that sad day, I would make sure you are in the closet and she is in the middle of a particularly heated fuck session when that hammer comes down.

  Come on, Stephen. Open relationship? Are you out of your fucking mind? Lose her.

  Marc

  Adam McKay

  Dear Adam:

  I’ve heard that you can legally buy marijuana if you have glaucoma. I’d like to avoid optic nerve damage, as anything on or around my eyes kinda creeps me out. Are there non-eyeball diseases that would allow me to smoke government-sanctioned weed?