by Toni Blake
Now, here he was, walking with Holly, pushing a stroller, even thinking about buying Emily a balloon or something, and he had to admit—hell, he was having fun. His feelings about Emily had certainly changed since the moment he’d first met her, which seemed like months ago instead of just a few short days.
To his further surprise, he even found himself thinking that he might not be enjoying the zoo quite so much if he were here with Holly alone. Yeah, he knew Emily was really too young to really see the animals or to understand why they’d brought her there, but…maybe seeing the animals with Emily was helping Derek to see them, too. In a way that maybe he never really had before.
Oh, sure, he’d been to the zoo. But never with his father. Being here with Emily was helping him to see it through a child’s eyes.
In fact, he felt almost as if he were seeing it through lots of children’s eyes. They were all around him, with their families, taking in all the sights and sounds and smells of the place. And it occurred to him now that anyone who saw him with Holly and Emily would assume that they, too, were a family.
But that doesn’t change anything. He needed to stay grounded in reality, after all. And he wasn’t any more cut out for fatherhood today than he had been yesterday.
“Look! Gorillas!” Holly said, breaking into his thoughts. And glancing up, he saw that another crowd surrounded this habitat, too. He automatically reached in the stroller and lifted Emily to see.
***
Holly pulled in the driveway, anxious to get home, both to Emily and to Derek. Despite her mother’s wishes, she’d wanted to stop by the hospital today, so after they’d returned home from the zoo, she’d left the baby with Derek. Her mother had been moved out of intensive care and into a regular room, and if all continued to go well, she would be home in a few days.
On the drive back to the house, she’d stopped and picked up some steaks to cook on the grill. And she bounced merrily up on the front porch and was about to step inside when something brought her to a standstill. Was that Emily she heard giggling? The light, airy sound wafted out through the screen door, making her smile.
She didn’t exactly want to spy on Derek, but…she couldn’t help herself. She snuck up to the door and peeked in, unnoticed.
Emmy lay on the floor on her quilt and he sat beside her. He’d removed her little canvas tennis shoes and gently shook one tiny blue-sock-covered foot in the air to the beat as he sung the old dance song, “Shake Your Bootie”.
When she accidentally rustled the bag she carried, he immediately went quiet and shifted his eyes toward the door. Uh-oh, the jig was up.
She stepped inside and found his uneasy gaze resting on her.
“Sorry,” she said with a soft smile. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you guys.”
“You, uh, weren’t really supposed to see that,” he told her sheepishly.
And though she didn’t want to embarrass him, she figured it was time to come clean. “Well,” she admitted, “I’m afraid that’s not all I’ve seen.”
At which he raised his eyebrows in silent inquiry.
“I know Emmy has a snake in her sleeper, too,” Holly told him, watching his face color.
“Wow, is nothing sacred?” he finally said. “Can’t a man spend time alone with his…his…girlfriend’s baby without being spied on?”
Holly smiled. Is that all Emily is? Your girlfriend’s baby? The words were dying to come out, but she didn’t want to push it, so she held them inside. Watching him feed Emmy this morning had touched her deeply. And the trip to the zoo today had been wonderful. So maybe all of that was enough for now. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, Holly knew he was starting to care about her daughter. So instead she just said, “You really are a great guy, you know that?”
“Look,” he said, still sounding sheepish, “so I sing to the kid. No big deal. Really.”
And again, Holly wanted to say so many things. She wanted to tell him that yes, it was a big deal. She wanted to tell him how she loved nothing more than watching him with Emily, and how she suspected that Emmy was starting to become very fond of him, too.
But of course she still couldn’t say any of that without fearing his denial of it all, so this time she simply kissed him, pressed her lips warmly to his, felt his mouth ease open beneath hers, inviting her tongue inside—and she let her body fill with more of the incredible passion only Derek had been able to release in her.
When the kiss finally ended, both of them were breathless.
And he said, “Maybe I should let you watch me sing to the baby more often.”
***
Derek spent Sunday night at Holly’s house, too. What they shared in the darkness was slower, sweeter, than their previous sex, and she sensed a new tenderness in the way he touched her, in the way he moved inside her.
After, as she lay with her head on his broad chest, she whispered to him. “That wasn’t quite…the usual fare.”
He misunderstood her comment. “Was it…kind of boring?”
“No,” she replied, shaking her head vehemently as she lifted it from his chest to peer into his eyes. “It was…kinda nice.”
“Oh,” he said, a soft smile stealing over him.
When the alarm went off the next morning, she felt like some kind of dream weekend had ended. Monday felt so different from Saturday or Sunday—the work week was upon them and her hectic schedule of daycare and school and daycare again had returned. Even as she lamented the end of the lovely weekend they’d shared, she found herself pushing back the covers and rushing to begin her day. There was so much to do in an hour’s time.
After her shower, she woke Derek, who seemed surprised to see her standing over him, already dressed for work. She suspected the sensation of losing something in the end of the weekend had struck him, too.
“I’m sorry if I seem in a hurry,” she said, rushing around the room, rummaging in her jewelry box, looking for shoes in the closet. “But I’m running a little late and I haven’t even dressed Emmy yet.”
He nodded from his spot in bed, but stayed silent.
“You can have the shower if you like, though,” she said hopefully. After all, he had to work, too—her life wasn’t the only one with a schedule, even if hers was more rigid.
Twenty minutes later she met up with him in the living room. He’d just emerged from the bedroom, showered and dressed, as she was dashing to Emily’s room to pack the diaper bag. She only wished she understood the strange, silent tension that she felt growing between them.
Although, deep inside, she feared that she did understand it. She feared that it was the same tension that had been present all along—they might have managed to push it aside for a while, but it hadn’t vacated the premises.
Still, she hoped against hope that she was wrong, that she was imagining it. She was rushed and he was sleepy, that was all. It didn’t mean things were changing.
“Derek,” she said when they met up and stopped, face to face, in the hallway. She knew she sounded—oddly—surprised to see him amid her own personal morning rush hour. But she didn’t know what to say. Things suddenly felt too weird.
“I’m gonna get going,” he told her. His voice sounded the same, and he looked the same. But somehow something was different.
And she had to take a chance, see where she stood. So she did the only thing she could think of—she assumed their relationship would continue on the same track that it had these past few days. “So,” she suggested tentatively, “dinner?”
And Derek answered only by glancing briefly into her eyes, then taking her hand and leading her to the couch.
Dread gathered into a tight ball in the pit of her stomach as they sat down together, as she waited for the ax to fall. No, she wasn’t imagining the tension at all—it was thick and heavy and lay over the room like a smothering blanket.
And then he lifted his fingers and gently touched her cheek. “I love you, baby, but…”
Her heart hurt. She’d known it was
too good to last, yet she supposed the past couple of days had given her a false hope she’d wanted to believe in. And she considered making it easy on him, finishing the sentence for him, yet why should she? “But what?”
“But we’re moving so damn fast here…” he told her softly.
“And?”
“And I’m not sure I can make it to the finish line.”
Holly sighed, and then—unable to fight down an instinct that leaned toward desperation—tried to be cheerful, tried to make him see things another way. “Then don’t think about the finish line. Just think about the race. We race well together, don’t you think?”
“We race together perfectly,” he told her. “But I’m…”
Holly took a deep breath. “Scared?” she offered. She knew it was a strange attribute to apply to a strong, virile man like Derek, but…
“Maybe,” he told her softly. “At any rate, I just think it might be smarter, for all our sakes, to…slow things down a little.”
“I see.” She didn’t mean to sound so cold, but she knew it had come out that way.
Because it felt like rejection—maybe not of her, but of her daughter. And hell, maybe of her, too. Moving too fast. That kind of spread the rejection around in her mind—it was a rejection of…a little bit of everything.
And what it boiled down to was that he still just didn’t feel the way she wanted him to. And she supposed that wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t hers, either.
And it hurt. Dreams for her, and for her daughter—new ones she’d built just over the last couple of days, but which felt as real and vibrant and palpable as if they’d already come into being—were crumbling almost as quickly as they’d been unwittingly formed.
“Holly,” he said, lifting her chin with his fingertips, “this doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I do. And it isn’t that I don’t…care for Emily. But…” He swallowed visibly and Holly knew he was stuck on what else to say, how to explain his feelings. One thing she could say for Derek—he’d never led her on and she knew he never would. He wasn’t the kind of man to make promises he couldn’t keep.
“It’s all right, Derek,” she told him. “I understand.”
“Do you?” he asked. “Because—”
“I do,” she promised him. She understood all too well. And she needed to end this conversation before she fell apart. “I need to go now,” she said. “I’m late dropping Emily at daycare and you probably need to get ready for work yourself.”
“Yeah,” he said, sounding sad and halfhearted—and she was glad. She hoped he was sad. She began to feel angry with him because she could almost see the truth in his heart and she knew he was simply too afraid to follow it. He loved her, and he wanted to love Emmy, too—but he was a coward.
Too afraid to love a little girl. Damn him.
He slowly rose to go, but Holly stayed on the couch. She knew she would start to cry soon, and she desperately wanted him to leave first.
“Bye,” he said quietly, nearing the door.
That was when she spotted Claws sitting across the room on a bookshelf, looking like one more knick-knack. “You forgot your cat,” she told him.
“Oh…” He walked across the room and scooped Claws up with one hand—then the two of them left.
As soon as the door shut, she let her tears leak free. Some father he’d make. He can’t even remember to take care of his cat, let alone a baby.
So it was just as well. Emily didn’t need a man who didn’t want her. And Holly didn’t need that man, either.
Then why are you sitting here crying like a little girl?
Apparently Derek Cassidy had successfully unlocked more kinds of girlish emotions than just passion. And despite herself, she still wanted him more desperately and wildly than she’d ever wanted anything in her life.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Holly sat at the faculty table in the cafeteria, absently shuffling the tater tots on her tray. It was only lunchtime and the day had already been a long one.
She tried to tell herself it was no different than any other day. After all, before last week, she hadn’t even known Derek. He’d been nothing more than her new neighbor, the guy with the loud music blaring from his truck. She’d had no idea he was someone she could fall in love with.
Fortunately, though, she went through the motions easily enough. After all, she was used to hiding her feelings at school. She never let on to missing Emmy as much as she really did—it would be unfair to her students. But today she missed more than just Emmy. She missed Derek, too. Even though he would still be next door to her tonight, she felt as if he’d suddenly moved much farther away.
“Holly, are you all right?”
She looked up to find the principal, Mrs. Harrington, a stout woman in her fifties with tidy hair and impeccable taste in suits. She tried to smile. “Oh, I’m fine, Mrs. Harrington,” she said. “Thanks for asking.”
The woman reached down to pat Holly’s hand, then moved on. The entire staff, of course, knew about Bill’s death and they never pressed her for answers when she seemed a little down. How surprised they’d be to know that today’s depression had absolutely nothing to do with Bill whatsoever. Today’s emotions were caused by someone new in her life, someone totally unexpected. And yet, it felt like he’d been in her life, in their lives, forever.
Three hours later, she stood outside watching the students run for the big yellow buses that lined the school parking lot. She thought of Emmy, of the fact that one day, probably before Holly knew it, her daughter would be one of those children, out in the world, facing school, friends, recess, bus rides, and everything else that came with growing up in this life. And it saddened her to think that Emmy would do all that without a father. Having had her own father leave when she was ten, Holly’s fondest hope for Emily had been a solid family to depend upon. But…no father at all was better than one who didn’t love her.
When Holly and Emily returned home that afternoon, Holly was quick to rush inside. Derek’s truck wasn’t home yet, but she didn’t want to bump into him. In fact, she suddenly wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. She’d gotten the message this morning, after all. And as the day had worn on, the more it had hurt and angered her.
“We don’t need him,” she told Emmy as she unhooked the car seat and lifted the baby into her arms. They’d done just fine by themselves before he’d come along, and they’d continue doing fine. They were both better off without him.
***
Derek sent his men home at the regular time, but he decided to stay on the job site a little late. After all, there was nothing to go home to, he thought as he hammered a nail into a two-by-four. Well, there was Claws, but frankly, he was a poor substitute for the strawberry blonde next door.
He’d spent the whole day wondering just exactly what had happened between them this morning. One minute they’d been snuggled in each other’s arms and the next, he’d started feeling weird, she’d started acting weird, and everything had fallen apart.
Grabbing another nail from the pouch at his hip, he tried to refocus on work.
He couldn’t make sense of it, but it had been like waking from a great dream only to be delivered to the blandness of reality. Maybe he’d felt a little abandoned to roll over in bed and find Holly gone. Maybe returning to the real world of work and alarm clocks and other commitments had disillusioned him. Things had suddenly seemed surreal enough that he’d felt the need to get back into his own surroundings. Like it might be better to slow down, safer to put some distance between his life and Holly’s. Like maybe he had some thinking to do.
“Damn it,” he muttered, smashing his thumb with the hammer. How long had he been doing this kind of work, and still he couldn’t manage not to hurt himself? So much for refocusing on it. This was all her fault. He’d spent all damn day being distracted by her.
“Aw hell,” he grumbled, “may as well go home.” If he was going to be plagued by
thoughts of Holly, he could do it just as well there. And possibly without inflicting injury upon himself.
When he pulled his truck into his driveway a little while later, he quickly perused the surroundings. Holly’s car was home, but he saw no sign of her or Emily outside. Which was best.
He hadn’t expected her to react so coldly to his refusal this morning. And was it even that, a refusal? No, not really. She’d blown everything out of proportion. He understood that she had to be protective of her and Emmy’s interests, but just because he didn’t want to have dinner didn’t mean he was calling things off. Why did women have to make everything so dramatic?
Turning the key in the lock, he stepped in the front door to see certain kitten come trotting around the corner to greet him. “Hey, Claws,” he said easily. “At least I know where I stand with you, pal.”
He reached down and scooped the white cat up into his hand and used the other to stroke his furry little throat. He guessed he’d gotten pretty attached to old Claws in a short time.
Of course, the same could be said for Holly, and even Emily. But that was different.
After all, Claws was a pretty self-sufficient guy. He didn’t require that much care.
He lowered the cat to the floor, but the little furball proceeded to climb up his leg, hooking his claws into Derek’s old blue jeans. “You’re a little clingy, a little needy,” he told the cat in retrospect. “And you definitely live up to your name. But other than that, you’re okay to have around.”
Derek changed clothes, fed the cat, made himself a sandwich, and checked the mail. Life seemed normal for the first time in a week.
Normal…and a little dull.
“What did I do for fun before Holly and Emily?” he asked Claws, who had shadowed his every movement since he’d come home.
“Meow.”
Oh sure, he did things. He met his friends at baseball games or got together with them to shoot a few hoops. He sometimes stopped in at the neighborhood bar near his old apartment to drink a beer with the regulars. He dated girls who were often pretty and showy and whom he seldom cared anything about. And more recently, he’d spent time dealing with Aunt Marie’s estate, then doing work around the house after moving back in. But the work was mostly done now and the estate was settled. And as for those previous activities, something about them suddenly sounded meaningless.