Hopelessly Devoted to Holden Finn

by Tilly Tennant

  ***

  ‘Hey Mum!’ Bonnie called into the hallway as she took her coat off. It had been a hectic day at work and she was ready for a quiet cup of tea and a catch-up. She could hear the radio on in the living room, but went through to find it was empty. ‘Mum?’ she shouted.

  A faint voice replied. ‘I’m up here!’

  Climbing the stairs, Bonnie could see that the loft hatch was open and the ladder down. ‘What are you doing up there?’ Bonnie called into the opening.

  Jeanie’s face appeared. ‘Grab this…’ she said, handing down a box.

  Bonnie climbed a couple of steps and took it from her. It weighed a ton. She peered inside to see that it was full of old seven inch records.

  ‘Whitesnake…’ Bonnie said, smiling to herself at the bottom of the ladder as she thumbed through them. ‘Bon Jovi, Def Leppard… wow,’ she said to Jeanie as she watched her carefully descend moments later, ‘I haven’t heard these in years.’

  ‘I know,’ Jeanie said, wiping her hands down her old track suit trousers. I’d forgotten I had them. There might be some valuable ones in there – I bought picture discs and coloured vinyl and all sorts back in the day.’

  ‘You’re not going to sell them, are you?’

  Jeanie shrugged and took the box from Bonnie. ‘I won’t be able to take them to Spain, and I don’t play them anymore. I can’t imagine you’d want them…’

  Bonnie wrinkled her nose in reply.

  ‘So,’ Jeanie laughed, ‘I might as well. If I do get a bit of cash from that secondhand record shop on the edge of town, it’ll help with the moving costs.’

  Jeanie took the box through to the kitchen and dumped it on the table.

  ‘Want me to get the kettle on?’ Bonnie asked.

  ‘Oh, yes, if you don’t mind.’ Jeanie went to the under-sink cupboard and fetched out a duster. She went back to the box and carefully removed the records, a few at a time, laying them out on the table. Grabbing the top one, she proceeded to remove the disc from its cover and gently clean it.

  ‘Have you got a date yet?’ Bonnie asked as she fetched cups from a high cupboard. ‘For moving, I mean.’

  Jeanie paused. ‘Juan says I can go and join him whenever I’m ready really. I thought I’d just get straight here, however long it takes, and then book my flights. I think about two months should do it now that I don’t have to sell the house. I suppose it would be alright to leave you my furniture too?’

  Bonnie nodded slowly. ‘Although it will mean that I’ll have some doubling up, as I have a sofa and stuff of my own. I’ll have to figure that out. But I won’t get rid of yours, even if it means renting some storage – at least, not until you know you’re settled and staying over there for good.’

  ‘I’m staying. Whatever it takes I’m making this work. I really like Juan; I think we’ll be very happy together.’

  ‘I still think you’re mad,’ Bonnie replied.

  ‘Sometimes, in life, you need to make a leap of faith,’ Jeanie said gently. ‘And that’s what I’m doing.’

  Bonnie sniffed. ‘More like a bloody suicide jump.’

  ‘Could you not just be happy for me, instead of tainting everything with your negativity?’ Jeanie frowned.

  ‘I’m just being realistic. One of us has to have some common sense.’

  ‘Like you do over your mess of a love life?’

  ‘This is not about me.’

  ‘I think it is, more than you realise.’

  Bonnie frowned. She opened her mouth to argue but then stopped herself. ‘Let’s not fall out, Mum. I’ve only got an hour or so tonight and then I’d better get back. Paige is due back from Annabel’s house and I dread to think what she’ll get up to with me not there, the mood she’s in lately.’

  ‘She’s still annoyed about Max?’

  Bonnie nodded. ‘She was even more annoyed after he called to take me out for another drink yesterday.’

  Jeanie’s eyes widened. ‘That’s keen.’

  Bonnie couldn’t fight the smile that now spread across her face. ‘I daren’t say it, but I think I like him, Mum.’

  ‘He’s a nice man.’

  ‘No… I mean I really like him.’

  ‘What about Sarah?’

  ‘He says that’s all over now.’

  ‘And you’re certain it is?’

  Bonnie shrugged slightly. ‘I have to believe him, don’t I?’

  ‘I don’t think you have to do anything, I think you want to.’

  Bonnie nodded thoughtfully. ‘Maybe I do.’

  Jeanie sat down and Bonnie put a mug of tea in front of her before taking a seat with her own.

  ‘I hope you know what you’re doing,’ Jeanie said.

  Bonnie laughed. ‘Listen to us. Eighty-odd years between us and no more clue about men than we had when we were teenagers.’

  ‘I think I was more clued up when I was in my teens. The biggest worry about a date was whether my lippy would last. Life certainly seemed a lot simpler back then.’

  ‘It did,’ Bonnie agreed. ‘But then a certain Frenchman had to turn up and turn me into a gibbering wreck.’

  ‘He’s gone now,’ Jeanie said, ‘and you finally have a new man. However things turn out with him, perhaps this is your moment to take a leap of faith?’

  Bonnie was silent for a moment. ‘Perhaps you’re right.’ She raised her mug with a wry half-smile. ‘To leaps of faith.’

  ***

  As she drove home from her mum’s, Bonnie felt more positive than she had in years. She had made up her mind. As soon as she got home she would phone Max and ask him to come and meet Paige properly, as someone that her daughter needed to accept as part of Bonnie’s life now. The more she thought about it, the more she realised she really did care for Max. Jeanie might have seemed mad for packing up and moving to Spain with Juan, but at least she was doing something that made her happy. The decision made Bonnie’s insides flutter. She didn’t know if it was the right one, but making it was more exciting than she could say.

  ***

  Bonnie opened the door of the flat, her mind still teeming with the thoughts that had raced around it on the journey home, the conversation she would have with Paige carefully constructed in her head. But then she stopped dead in the hallway. Something wasn’t right. A tatty black holdall lay abandoned on the floor a few feet away from the front door. A smell hit her, something familiar, something that she hadn’t smelt for a long time. A rush of memories overwhelmed her, the blood drained from her face and the world around her began to spin.

  Paige burst into the hallway from the living room. ‘Mum!’ she squealed in a state of manic excitement. ‘Daddy’s home!’

  Eleven

  When Bonnie opened her eyes, Paige was fanning her face frantically with a newspaper. She found herself lying on the sofa, without knowing quite why. As the room came into focus, she saw another figure standing behind her daughter. And then everything came back to her: the holdall, the smell of his aftershave, Paige running to greet her. But it couldn’t be true. For what seemed like a long time, Bonnie didn’t speak, she just stared at him as though he was a ghost.

  Finally, in a croaky voice, Bonnie said, ‘You complete bastard.’

  ‘Hello Bonnie,’ Henri replied with a wry smile, ‘ça va?’

  ‘Isn’t it brilliant?’ Paige said. ‘He’s home.’

  ‘Have you asked him where he’s been for the past two years?’ Bonnie replied, not looking at Paige but staring at Henri as though her anger alone had the power to disintegrate him.

  ‘Does it matter?’ Paige said.

  ‘Of course it bloody matters,’ Bonnie spat. ‘He abandons us and suddenly he’s back and that’s alright? What about all the nights you cried over him and blamed yourself for him leaving? Don’t they mean anything to you now, Paige? Are they all forgotten?’

  Paige’s face fell. ‘I never did those things.’

  ‘What!’ Bonnie pushed herself up. ‘Why are you protecting him? I shoul
d be the one you protect, not him!’

  ‘Bonnie…’ Henri cut in, ‘I should go and check into a hotel tonight while you discuss things with Paige…’

  ‘No way, Dad,’ Paige said firmly.

  ‘Great idea,’ Bonnie said, glaring at Paige.

  ‘Oh, you complete cow!’ Paige replied. ‘I bet this is all because of Max –’

  ‘Max?’ Henri interrupted. ‘Who is this Max?’

  ‘It has nothing to do with you,’ Bonnie shot back.

  ‘It’s her new boyfriend,’ Paige sneered.

  ‘You have a boyfriend?’ Henri shouted.

  ‘YOU LEFT US!’ Bonnie cried. She struggled to regain control of her temper but her next words were coated with ice. ‘You left us. We didn’t know if you were alive or dead. We had no idea why you went. You expected me to sit around and wait for you?’

  ‘Yeah, Mum –’

  ‘Paige…’ Bonnie massaged her temples and looked at her daughter imploringly. ‘Please, just let me talk to your dad for five minutes alone.’

  Paige looked as though she would argue, but Henri gave her an encouraging nod.

  ‘We will be only five minutes,’ he agreed. ‘And then you can tell me all your news about things I have missed.’

  Reluctantly, Paige headed for her bedroom. Bonnie turned to Henri, her voice low and hard.

  ‘How could you do this to us?’

  ‘Bonnie, I am truly sorry…’

  ‘Don’t!’ Bonnie held up a hand to silence him. ‘If it’s going to be the same old crap, I don’t want to hear it.’

  ‘You know that I was ill,’ Henri said defensively.

  ‘Ok. But what is this all about now? You think it’s ok to just waltz back in? What about a phone call, some kind of warning? A request even? What made you so certain we wanted you back?’

  ‘Paige does.’

  ‘And that’s why you came back without warning when you knew she’d be here,’ Bonnie growled. ‘You knew if you got round her first the rest would be easy.’ Tears were burning her eyes, but there was no way she was going to let them fall, not for Henri, not after everything he had put them through.

  ‘I hadn’t planned to come back. I didn’t know I was coming until I was on the Eurostar. I had an urge to see you again and the next thing, I was here.’

  Bonnie stared at him. Before he had left them, he looked pale and tired. But it seemed that home had treated him well – he had put on some weight, although he was still on the slim side, he was tanned and, despite the tension in the air between them now, he looked relaxed. He watched for her reaction, his dark gaze imploring, begging for forgiveness. She was reminded, in that instant, of what she had fallen for when she first met him. Even as she told herself not to give in, she felt her resolve begin to crumble.

  ‘Where the hell were you?’

  He shrugged. ‘I needed to think.’

  ‘You needed to think? You could have nipped into the toilet to take a dump and had a think in there while you were at it, you didn’t need to go back to France.’

  He smiled ruefully. ‘Same old Bonnie.’

  ‘Don’t give me that. Where were you?’

  ‘I spent some time in Grasse, St Tropez, Cannes, Toulon… lots of places, mostly in the sun, doing odd jobs to pay my way. I travelled and saw my country a little, the same as I had always planned to before we met.’

  ‘You didn’t go back to your parents’ place at Reims?’

  ‘For a while I visited. But it became awkward.’

  ‘When I kept phoning them to find out where you were because I was frantic with worry?’ Bonnie said in a low voice.

  He shifted awkwardly. ‘Yes. They told me I had to come back and make things right with you.’

  ‘Clearly you take a lot of notice of them then.’

  ‘Don’t be angry, Bonnie, please. I don’t know what to say to you.’

  ‘How about we start with sorry?’

  Henri dropped to his knees on the floor beside her and took her hands in his. ‘You know I am.’

  Bonnie wriggled from his grip. ‘I need a drink. You can stay for an hour to talk to Paige, but then I want you to go and find a hotel.’

  ‘You don’t want me to stay?’ he asked reproachfully.

  ‘You said you would give me time to discuss things with Paige. Besides, you don’t live here anymore.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘It was never your flat,’ Bonnie said in a harder voice than she felt truly capable of. ‘But we let you live here. When you left, you forfeited any right you had to call it home.’

  ‘Very well.’ He stood up, a formal stiffness in his demeanour now. ‘Can I speak to my daughter?’

  ‘I can’t stop you,’ Bonnie said wearily. ‘But don’t go putting stupid ideas into her head, or I’ll have you out of here quicker than you can say court order.’

  Henri didn’t reply but made his way to Paige’s bedroom to find her. Bonnie lay back on the sofa and let out a deep sigh. How could this be happening? Why was her life always destined to be such a monumental disaster? As these bitter thoughts ran through her head, the mobile in her coat pocket bleeped the arrival of a text message. For a moment, Bonnie ignored it as she listened to Paige’s excited chatter through the walls, and Henri’s deeper tones every so often in answer. But then she pulled the phone from her pocket and unlocked it to make sure it wasn’t Jeanie, or more awkward still, Max on his way over for another impromptu visit.

  Please stop ignoring me. I can’t stand it. I need you to love me like I love you.

  Bonnie let out a tiny squeal of frustration. Along with the new boyfriend and the returned deserter, she had a crazy popstar stalker to contend with. As if things weren’t complicated enough.

  Bonnie made her weary way to Paige’s room. Henri and Paige were sitting on the edge of her bed chatting animatedly as if he had never been away. Of all the scenarios Bonnie had imagined, she could never have envisaged this. Paige was always so sullen, so difficult to engage with – what did Henri have that made her so different with him, even after everything he had put her through? It was as if she had wiped every bitter memory from her head, or simply refused to acknowledge them in the presence of the dad she now seemed to idolise. Daddy’s girl syndrome, Bonnie supposed; there was no other explanation for it.

  ‘Maybe we should sit around the table and discuss this properly over a drink, all three of us together,’ Bonnie interrupted.

  ‘You’re not going to freak out again, are you, Mum?’ Paige asked warily.

  ‘No, I’m not,’ Bonnie replied coldly. ‘You have to understand, though, that seeing your dad here when I wasn’t expecting to was a shock, especially after all this time.’

  Henri nodded. ‘I understand that.’

  ‘You were just feeling guilty in case your boyfriend turned up, that’s more like it,’ Paige snapped.

  ‘Who is this boyfriend?’ Henri cut in, narrowing his eyes at Bonnie. ‘Is it serious?’

  ‘I don’t know. Does it matter?’ Bonnie stammered. She felt guilty, as though she was betraying Henri – but why? ‘It has nothing to do with you anyway,’ she said in a stronger voice, drawing herself up to her full height. ‘You left.’

  ‘I don’t like strange men around Paige.’

  ‘You’d better be joking if you’re trying to play the concerned father,’ Bonnie growled, anger rising in her. ‘It’s a bit late for you to be worried about who may or may not be around Paige.’

  ‘I never stopped being her father.’

  ‘Actually, you did. You never even sent her a birthday card!’

  Henri shot from the bed and started towards Bonnie. ‘Can’t you understand, I was depressed?’

  ‘Depressed? How do you think I felt when you deserted us? I was pretty bloody depressed!’

  ‘Now I am home again I can see why I was depressed,’ Henri shot back.

  ‘This is not your home,’ Bonnie said in a low voice. ‘This will never be your home.’

  ‘Not ou
rs soon,’ Paige cut in, leaping between them. ‘We’re getting Jeanie’s house!’

  Bonnie groaned as Henri’s eyes widened.

  ‘You’re moving into your mother’s house?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes!’ Paige said. ‘She’s moving to Spain and we’re having her house. There’ll be plenty of room for you there, Dad.’

  Henri smoothed his expression to one of amiable charm. When he spoke this time, his voice was soft and his accent seductive. Bonnie knew the voice well; it was the one he used when he wanted something. That was, after all, how he had persuaded her to move him into the flat all those years ago, a mistake that had been costing her dearly ever since. By now, she was immune to his wily charms, but that didn’t stop him from trying.

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘perhaps we should go into the kitchen and discuss what we are going to do to bring our family back together.’

  ‘We can go into the kitchen,’ Bonnie warned, ‘and we can talk all you like, but don’t think that you’re staying here tonight.’

  ‘Of course not,’ Henri replied. ‘As we agreed, I will get a hotel room.’ He looked hopefully at Bonnie. ‘Do you know somewhere locally that is not expensive?’

  Bonnie sighed… same old Henri, probably didn’t have a euro to his name. ‘If you need to borrow some cash…’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Henri said sheepishly, ‘I have spent all my money on trains. And I had thought I might be able to come home and get a job.’

  Bonnie almost laughed out loud but a glance at Paige’s eager expression stopped her. A job. That was something she would have to see to believe. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Bonnie said instead. ‘I have a little that you can borrow.’ There was no way, even if she had to spend the entire month’s electricity money, that she was letting Henri waltz back into their lives as if nothing had happened.

  ***

  Bonnie massaged her temples as she gazed miserably at Linda.

  ‘I’ll say one thing for him, his timing is amazing,’ Linda said dryly.

  ‘What am I going to do?’

  ‘About what?’